Can Autistic children be bossy? | Autism PDD

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It sounds pretty typical of an Asperger's child, They play, but it as to be their way or the highway. When my son plays it has to be on his terms, his rules, his game. See the pattern of rigidity and control or as Teacher thinks bossiness.  And if it is not his way he does not play. I don't think the Teacher knows the Aspergers part of the spectrum very well, and I have never heard of anyone saying 5% of the spectrum or very little?? What does that mean? This to me does not make sense. The principal at my sons elementary school had a Master of Spec. Education as well, and taught for 20 years and then became Principal, but was clueless on Asperger Syndrome. I would recommend the book (Parenting Your Asperger Child) by Alan Sohn and Cathy Grayson. It has a good look at the  different subtitles of Aspergers syndrome. And a Teachers unit. 

Kid

It depends on the kid! my son is 8 i have a 19 and 16 yr he is absolutly the boss of them. she may just be trying to help she may think they dont know how to play with the toys. my son's teacher has told me that he likes to help his class and cries when he cant. so it depends. OH AND I DONT CARE IF SHE HAS A MASTERS IN SPECIAL ED AND 25 years she cant make a diagnosis without having PHD added to her credientials.

A little background

My dd has an IEP plan goes to a special ed preschool that has 2 peer models per class. She is diagnosed with Aspergers and we thought she had a delay in her social skills.  THOUGHT? Ms. Superior lol

I just had a parent teacher conference and found out she is quite bossy ok really bossy to the other kids.. Telling them what to do, how to do it , what order to do it in, plops toys in there laps tells them what to play and when. She has taken the alpha role in her class she is only 3yrs old. I am very surprised by that shes always kinda been the doormat for other kids well prior to starting school. Its only been 2 mons and I see a vast improvement in other areas also.

Also her teacher whom has a masters in Special ed and early childhood and been teaching for 25yrs told me if she is on the spectrum its like 5% (or very little).

But she doesnt make eye contact if she does its very brief so she still has some issues we need to work out. And other issues too.

So can autistic kids be bossy? Is it not in there nature to be so.  Or is it a sign things are improving over here and one step in the right direction?

kid-dynamite39389.9454513889It really depends on how the scenarios are playing out with the other kids.
First, to answer your question, kids with autism can be extremely bossy.
Part of this stems from their need to control things and in some cases
rigidity and inflexibility. If your daughter is allowing the kids she is
interacting with to have some say in the pretend play and is open to new
ideas/suggestions from them as well as being flexible in how the play
progresses, then this is probably a good thing. Conversely, if she is hell
bent on things going exactly her way, gets upset if one of the kids tries to
change things, and for the most part dominates every aspect of the play,
then this is a problem.

Good social interactions require give and take. NT kids start to
understand this early on. Kids with ASD don't necessarily pick on up
these social dynamics. They need to be taught "how" to play properly
with other children. shenom39390.3397569444Well... Of course I am a guy and so things are a bit different for me compaired to DD. I must say that when I was little and growing up I was extremly bossy. At school, not so much, however the neghboorhood kids, imparticular the few closest by geographically to my house I was absolutly bossy with. Indeed, I could be quite harsh, yet always seemed to be the one to come up with ideas for things to do, and how to do them. As a result I took on a status that they would follow (for a while anyways, as we grew up this changed against me). Often I would have plans to build a fort, or go cart, or where to go exploring since the development was new and their was lots of space. I even had the older one following my instructions, I seemed to have the natural ability to organize and plan, we built good forts, most of the construction and everything going into it, even the coordination had to go according to my plans.

This obviously does not work forever, kids grow up, people change, and as we aged no longer would they wanna build my forts and go carts or go along with what I wanted, as time past, more altercations arose because I was so poor at actually being a friend and basicly using them, for lack of a better term to perform labor on projects that would suit me, not so much for the group.

We all aged, I still wanted to do what we had always done, now they wanted to make new friends, hang out more, prepair for learning to drive and stuff high school kids do, while I was still behaving that way.

This gets real rough, I had many fights, things did not go my way, id freak, they would fight back, and eventually stop hangin out with me. This was my longest, most horrible social nightmare that took years to experience the aftermath, and to this day I dont talk to my childhood friends really, I have new friends, learned what not to do, and I think alot of the errors I made during this time taught me a great deal about social success, indeed, I faired much better, made friends the right way (tho unequely enough) and to this day still maintain some of those friendships.

Indeed, I learned the hard way, it was painful, and i realized what I had done, and always carryed that as one of the biggest regrets of my life. As an adult I am far different in many ways then I was back then...

I second what shenom wrote, and Woodsman also gives you a good real-life example.

My son isn't necessarily bossy, but he has some behaviors/difficulties than could be considered bossy.

1)  He can be a "rule police" -- try to control or intervene when other kids break rules, because rules are very important to him. 

2)  He wants to play on his terms.  When he wants to play with someone, it's hard to accept when the other person isn't in the mood (for example when his little brother would rather keep sitting at the computer than play with big brother). 

3)  He also wants to play his way.  He chooses to be alone rather than to follow the other kids' ideas if he's not interested or it seems to complicated for him.  So in a way it's "my way or the highway".

Here are the social milestones for age 36 months and 48 months, taken from the CDC's/American Academy of Pediatrics excellent milestone lists:

36 months:

48 months: 

Good luck with everything.

Ya know, looking back that whole social issue with being the boss was an interesting feeling. Obviously its hard for me (back then) and your kids (now) to be able to see the world thru others eyes, so its impossible to understand why this is unacceptible and why they wont win any popularity contests as a result. The problem is that because their is no empathy, and because at least I did not care about the end result of my behavior, i only wanted ----- done NOW! I had always assumed I was being followed because I was the 1 in charge, I knew better then everybody else and because I did not understand that others have their own seperate feelings, emotions I can tell them what to do and they would respond like robots, doing whatever I told them, interestingly enough this often worked, so I kept doing it, I lead, they followed, im sure it also helped that I had grown and was almost the size of the oldest in our group, who would also follow my instructions for whatever reason. I was commanding and dominate, eather they liked what my idea was and were happy to be a part or were afriad of my reaction which was anger and physical force ususally .

Ya, unfortunatly I cant really relate so well as your kids are younger by a little bit then I was when I moved, and I did not play with kids much at school, i did my own thing, so I cant recall trying to control at school play much.

I have no idea how this can be prevented, in order to make your kids understand, they need to be able to understand how they will be seen by others in the group, and understand (and at this age i know it woulda been impossible to explain this to me and have me understand) that others have their own feelings and if you can figure out how to show your child how others see them, then this bahvaior can be avoided IMO.

I know I assumed the kids in my neghboorhood were put their only to be workers for my projects, i never tryed to be a friend, only their leader, dont get me wrong, we had good times, and my projects usually turned out pretty good (i was real good at engineering the forts and go carts, measuring, knowing what materials to use and the process, sometimes thru trial and error) and was lucky they stuck by that long, but the result will probably be similar for your children that they were for me, ostrisizm, another sad, horrible truth for a high functioning autistic as they get older, tho when one door is shut, another opens, you learn (the hard way) and adapt.  environment yes but not like for ex. not treat people like servants that's a different disorder.
 
 I do know that Aspergers can lead.l I remember J leading kids from up 4 to 8 years old and she was 2 1/2 yrs! She had escaped out of the babysitter door and she was the leader, all the other kids followed her. I remember she would do something bad and the whole daycare class would copy her! haha amberwaves39426.3927546296hmmm... you guys actually said it pretty well, I told my story and kind of my reasoning for why I treated the other kids that way, never really thinking so much I was trying to control the environment as much as I wanted control over them, i suppose its pretty much the same thing, but I liked the way you guys worded it. Indeed, having a stable, predictable environment was crutial, but I often found I could not manipulate my imediate surroundings the way I could manipulate my childhood friends, in the end both would achive the same thing, by having control one can predict what should occure next. I (and anyone else on the spectum) certainly hate chaos, or an environment constantly changing, the most aspects of that environment under out (or my) control the better we feel.

Its just sad really, this does not work, I got away with it for years, but I really wish their was some way I coulda understood that this was bad and that the end result would be horrible ostrisization, unfortunatly I doubt you will be able to teach this, you kids may learn on their own the hard way, i suppose hindsight is 20/20 and had I known what I know now, I woulda changed, but I certainly could not.

Ostrisizm is real painful, to be ditched is not cool at all, but I bet in the future if/when this happens it will open the door for your kids to learn better social behavior, establish new friends and start all over, this time doing better, and learning to deal without being the boss all the time, its a hard but nessissary lesson. It may be hard for you parents to watch your child be sad or angry because his buddys ditched him later in life, be sure to try and direct them towards new friendships, and help them understand how they messed up, with this bad can result good, for those of us ASD'ers who want social interaction when we get older it may be an important step I almost wonder, and really wish information was avalible on this subject, instead all I can give you is my story and suggestions, and read what others write.

good luck!YES! At least my son is! Hes like a dictator lol He likes us to read him stories but yet he has to control exactly how it goes (and its the same thing every night!) Hes bossy to other kids, trying to get them to play or do what he wants even if they dont want to, like demanding them to keep jumping on the bed [QUOTE=Chaos] Yes.  Especially considering bossy is a way of acting that is not normally socially acceptable, then yes, I think it could easily fall right in as a possible symtpom.  An ASD kid might not realize that others are offended by their bossiness, since they would be likely to lack the ability to see their behavior's affect on others.[/QUOTE]

Absolutly, I spent years bossing my buddies around in my neghboorhood, from day one of moving in at age 8 and this went on until about age 14 I would say, often they would follow. On top of needing to control everything I never could see why this was a bad thing till high school when socialization became much more improved finally after years of screwin up. I only understood how I felt about stuff, never understood the others feelings, I felt force was the only way, I knew what was best and they were simply their to follow my instructions, jeeze... looking back sometimes I even used them as kinda forced labor almost cause I expected them to build our forts and go carts according to my instuctions, only I was to approve ideas or discard them. I feel terrible about the way I treated them back then and really wish I could go back and certainly one of the many things I would change would be the way I treated my childhood friends, many fights would have been avoided as we got older. It is soooooo hard when you simply cannot understand that others have feelings too and just as I could see them they could see me and at that time unfortunatly only my feelings mattered.

I grew outa this, as an adult now I feel I have plenty of empathy.

My daughter is 5, and she is DEFINITIVELY bossy with her little sister (aged 2), FWIW.

Yes.  Especially considering bossy is a way of acting that is not normally socially acceptable, then yes, I think it could easily fall right in as a possible symtpom.  An ASD kid might not realize that others are offended by their bossiness, since they would be likely to lack the ability to see their behavior's affect on others.

Maybe I should add this along in the 2 mons or so shes been in school her pretend/imagination is skyrocketed. Before she had none to very little now its everything she does so i am happy about that this way she will be more playful with other kids.. She sets her dolls up on the couch on a pillow so they will be able top sit and she plays her teacher sings songs to them, has them raise there little arms and says Ok you.. I love to watch this..

As for Empathy shes always had a strong sense of empathy, she will cry right along with any baby and say "whats wrong baby?" is the saddest little voice.

I guess I will ask how bossy she is.. i know they correct her on the spot so i dont think she has an meltdowns over anything at school..

She also has no eye contact, even since she was a young tot. But never for one moment did i think it was autism.. Its not like shes in a different world when you want to talk to her, its more like the world is going so fast through her eyes she has no time to look at you.. She is a very busy child, or on the go. I dont know how to explain her... this could be her missing disgnosis.. Someone enlighten me.

She is 3 and can read- YES read she sounds out the letters and puts them together herself (tested at a 7-8yr old level) , knows her numbers up to 50 which yes could be aspergers. But what i've read doesnt fit her. The Ped Neuro. hasnt completely given her a diagnosis said she was to young and didnt have alot of the symptoms so we are on the wait and watch plan.. But has ASD on her file so who knows.

 

I can tell you that Mason is very bossy.  He likes to be in control of everything.  I don't think it's because he is trying to be naughty or bossy, but when he feels he has control over things, he feels more comfortable.  More willing to try new things if he thinks he is controlling it.  We have to use a lot of choices with Mason.  I pick out 2 shirts and ask him which one he wants to wear.  If I just chose which shirt it would cause a huge meltdown, even if deep down he wanted to wear the shirt I chose, just because he didn't feel he was the one choosing.  It seems more a safeness or comfort thing for him, not that he wants to be ordering people around or controlling others, he just wants to be in control of anything that involves him.

Hi-

I am very new but it seems to me that so many posts are very similar to what "normal" kids do at certain ages.  Some normal kids even stim?  It appears that sometimes every single behavior is put into the autism spectrum book of behaviors?  Am I way off base?  How do you distinguish between them.  Especially at very early ages 3?

My son does not have a diagnosis.  I know that he has features and is behind socially.  I also know that his play his not like normal kids.  He follows other kids leads sometimes but not others?  Is that normal?  Most kids will follow other kids leads if they are interested and not others? 
My question is how do you keep your children interested in some play activities.  My son is obsessed with being a kitty cat or a caterpillar.  He is obsessed with a blanket that we have and wants to make it whatever he is trying to be at the time.  Such as food for the kitty, a cacoon for the caterpillar ect.  He wants to be whatever he sees.  If he sees spider man he acts it out.  If he sees a cat, he acts it out, if he sees a dinasaur he acts it out.  Most kids do act out spiderman and dinasaurs.  But not kitties and caterpillars?  So what is the difference???
I am very confused.

He has had his second assessment by a developmental pediatrician.  The Dr. said the first time that he does not meet criteria.  This time, he said obviously nothing serious is going on but he does not want to sit and gets fixated on things like cats.? 

Any help with the play is appreciated.

Diane

It really sounds like to me she is trying to order and control her environment.  My oldest will go so far as to tell people how to answer his questions and he is VERY bossy.  Orders classmates around, won't let them put toys away cuz they don't do it right etc. etc.

 

 

[QUOTE=Loki] It sounds pretty typical of an Asperger's child, They play, but it as to be their way or the highway.
[/QUOTE]

QFE.

This pretty much sums it up.Daniel is very bossy also but he is 11.

Wow -- a new one on me ... T's nickname was always "The Bossy Moo," in preschool and somehow it NEVER OCCURED TO ME that it was specifically a symptom.

Clearly it would be ... she is also quite big on RULES!
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