I have this awful guilty feeling…. | Autism PDD
That I may have contributed to my son’s ASD dx. You see, when Christian was about 2 weeks old, I dropped him on the floor. Yep! Cold, hard, tiled floor. It was a horrible accident that I have never told my husband or family about. I was leaving the house and put him in the car seat but forgot the strap him in and when I picked up the car seat he slid out and dropped about 3 feet to the ground. He was crying and didn’t lose consciousness or anything like. I took him to the doctor immediately and they said he was fine. He was also a preemie and weighed about 5lbs.
Since then, he’s had many head bumps and bruises. He’s fallen off the bed, climbed and fell out of the crib, all manner of falls. He even used to bang his head (hard) on the wall and the floor when he was frustrated at the age of 3/4 (one of the first red flags I remember).
Sometimes when he’s sleeping I look and him and just start crying, I tell him I’m sorry and ask for his forgiveness.
I’m a really good mum but this guilty feeling is eating me up. I can never tell my husband as he will probably blame me, even though he knows that some of my cousins also have children with ASD’s and it’s most likely heredity.
He had an MRI of the brain recently and it was normal, so I know it doesn’t show any signs of trauma but still can’t shake the feeling.
Has anyone heard of a brain injury causing Autism?
Please don't feel this way. I think it's a part of the process us Mom's go through to deal with what happened to our children. I know because Mason was a preemie I felt guilty all the time. I was convinced that it was something I did during my pregnancy. But in time I learned that I can't blame myself if I want to be strong for Mason. I really believe that with time these feelings will get easier for you. HUGS!! This was not your fault, please beleive that!That did NOT cause this problem...trust me...the MRI would've shown it if that did anything. They're built to take a lickin' and keep in tickin'
You did not do this to your child. Let go of the guilt. He had a normal MRI. If we wanted we could all find something to blame the autism on. No one lives in a glass bubble.
edited to say I don't know why I said "glass" bubble. I ment just bubble.
their heads at some point. (I now have a very low one) Please do not beat
yourself up about this. My girlfriends liitle brother actually fell out of a
moving car because he was not buckled in properly. I can go on and on
about these stories. These falls did not cause your sons autism.
Oh sweety you are having feelings I think probably most of us have had. You didn't cause your child to have autism ... you really, really didn't.
My middle son fell down a concrete set of steps when he was 2 .... there were about 6 steps and he literally bounced off every one of them. He had a bump on his head the size of a grapefruit (ok - I am exaggerating a little bit.) If falling on your head caused autism, then he would definitely be autistic!
My son also fell off bed onto his head, and my daugher went down 4 steps inside front door in her walker. These things happen and we can't blame ourselves No i haven't heard of brain injury from a fall like that could cause autism .This should make you feel better...When my daughter(NT) was about 11 months old, I went to visit my in-laws. On my return home, I was at the check in line at the airport. My mil was holding my daughter, and all of a sudden, I heard "KLUNK", and a shriek of pain. She dropped my daughter right on her head!! Poor baby was literally climbing up my side while I was holding her because she was in so much pain.
I called her pediatrician from the airport, and he told me to go ahead and board the plane, but watch for vomiting, loss of consciousness, dizziness, etc. She was sleepy after she settled down, and slept through the flight, but I was able to wake her. She was also very pale after the accident.
Anyway, today is her 18th birthday, and she is just fine!! I remember how worried I was. It was a fall from 5 and a half feet to a concrete floor. I remember it like yesterday
.Don't blame yourself. Kids are always falling and bumping their heads!!
nakama
Gosh dont worry about it ONE bit
I find new ways to blame myself too
I agree with all the posters...try to lose that memory if you can. It in no way caused this. They are so many things as parents to feel is the blame for our kids having autism and it just keeps increasing everyday with new theories..
I would list all of them but they serve no purpose other than making us feel responsible and guilty which neither serve to help our kids at all. I go over the "what if's" sometimes but learned to cast the thoughts away. Concentrate on the beautiful child you have..here and now and dont look back:)
(((HUGS!)))
I think it's genetic. It seems to be in my family. I blame my family for not pre-warning until after I had kids!You think that is bad. J was 8 months to 1 1/2 yrs. Can't exactly remember the age. I remember it being during the summer. I had my bed next to my fish tank bench. J jumped off the bed and hit the wooden stand. I couldn't move fast enough to catch her. She looked like a bridge. Her head on the stand and her legs on the bed. It left A 1/2 dent on her skull. You can't see it but you can still feel it. She has always been hyper and already had sensory signs from birth.
It feels terrible to think you've hurt your baby. My baby rocked herself and the carrier right off the counter top and fell to the floor. She was OK. I was scared.
Mom,
The pediatrition told you your baby was fine, and even if he was wrong, the MRI was normal-many bumps and bruises later. Your child did not have a brain injury from the fall.
You did not cause your childs autism. It is not your fault. Its OK to let that go now.
I used to feel the same way for a different reason--when pregnant with my first I drank wine before I knew I was pregnant and blamed myself for the autism.
When I was pregnant with my second I didn't even look at alcohol during the entire pregnany and guess what--he's on the spectrum anyway! At least I don't blame myself anymore and you should definitely not blame yourself!
Well let's see...was he a vaginal delivery or a c section? If he was vaginal, I'm sure he suffered worse trauma at birth than this. Head the size of a canteloupe....opening the size of a lemon.
You quit beating yourself up like that. It's spilled milk and all that. IF there were any damage from that it would have shown on the test. Stressing over things we cannot change doesn't help any at all. We have enough on our plates to stress us out to be beating ourselves up over something we can't change.
My favorite prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Please don't feel this way. Babies fall all the time with no permanent damage to their brains. This is NOT what caused his Autism.
Karrie
NOPE. NO WAY, NO HOW. Autism involves too many regions of the brain for that to happen. If you have a closed-skull trauma it would be more isolated to one area of the head!
I cannot count the number of times DS fell outta bed on his head -- and never stopped to look back!
But this reminds me ... in the movie Goonies, there is a joke about this, with one character. My daughter has picked it up and run with it and it just makes me sick every time she brings it up!
There is no way a fall would have caused Autism....if that were the case.....it wouldn't be a mystery where Autism comes from, would it ?
Furthermore, I encourage you to confide your fears in your DH.....divorce rate among couples with a child with special needs is sky-high.....and a lot comes from feelings, emotions etc that are not shared. TELL HIM....give him the chance to comfort you....because THAT is what you really need....not us typing comfort to you !
HUGE hugs.....let go of the guilt and work on advocating for him and communicating openly with your dh....even on things that seem trivial....
Well, your secret is safe with us. I'm so sorry to hear of your marriage troubles. Marriages are hard enough without the added stress.
When Dooder was tiny, my dh laid him on our bed and then sat down right next to him. Well, dh is a big guy, so therefore the mattress sinks when he sits on it - so Dooder rolled right down with the mattress and ended up on our hardwood floor. He was fine.
Don't worry your heart about it. You didn't cause this.
Science knows that autism is genetic, even if they're unable to pinpoint specific genes at this point. You know that autism is genetic, because there are other cases in your extended family (mine, too, although we didn't know it until after our son was diagnosed).
Hopefully, the answers you've gotten here will help you move on. You deserve to feel that your conscience is clear. You are a great mom.
Heartfelt best wishes from Norway Mom.
Thank you so much for responding to my post and sharing some of your own scary experiences. Thank goodness all our children are fine. I am somewhat relieved but will always have this in the back of my mind. He was such a tiny little thing at 2 weeks old and I was surely neglectful and I could have killed him.
I cannot confide in my husband as he is very intimidating. Actually, we barely talk these days and will more than likely dissolve our marriage in the near future. I think Chris' dx and his need for his parents is why we haven't gone our separate ways.
Maybe I am still adjusting to the dx, it's only been 6 months. It's such a horrible experience when your worst fears are confrmed. Perhaps there is a cycle of disbelief, guilt, understanding and acceptance one has to go through when Autism enters your life.
I am definitely still too emotional and it's situations like the belt incident with my brother-in-law last weekend that keeps me from moving on. I have been accused to babying and spoiling him and contributing to his developmental delay. Surely if they caught wind of this incident what would people say then?
Have a wonderful weekend!
I go through this phase at least 8 times a year LOL for the last five years. It's real fun
Thankfully I'm not a drunk because of it (yet! Just jokin )
I have multiple things that i blame myself about. One biggie is that when my son was a baby, I would often have him sleep with me. We had these really hard floors - they were like cement covered with thin scratchy carpet! I cannot believe we lived in that apartment! The floors were so bad that after we moved i notice my feet didn't ache at night anymore!
Anyway, I know he rolled off the bed quite a few times in the night. I would here a big crack and he would scream & cry. The first time it happened I took him to the ER, he appeared to be fine. Then, being the really brilliant 19 year old that I was back then, I continued to have him sleep in the bed! He continued to tumble of every now & then, and scream. He never lost consciousness or anything, I always kept an eye on him afterward. He had a normal MRI by 2. I know he was born with Autism, because he started stimming very very very young. I have pics by 9 months, or even earlier. But I still wish I could take it all back and put a few rugs all wround the bed and line the bed with pillows. I honestly can't remember how many times it happened, I want to say about 5 or 6 times though
he was just so active all the time, even then, he would roll all around and manage to make it off the side of the bed. He didn't ALWAYS sleep in bed with me, usually just when he woke up crying in the night and wouldn't go back to sleep after feeding.
He also took a tumble out of his high chair, which I took him to ER for. I think this stuff happens a lot more, but no one tells anyone. I honestly didn't realize how hard the floor was until we moved out. It did have carpeting, but it was just a really thin layer.
I will always be going Coulda Shoulda Woulda, What did I do? I dont know if that ever goes away. Its been almost 5 years since diagnosis of Autism, nearly 6 since his Developmental Delay diagnosis, and I still do it. It doesn't do any good at all.I think we have all experienced this more often than we would like to admit. I was sure that I caused my oldest ds autism because I couldn't get a dr. in the world to refer me to a specialist (my ds had severe apnea and never did breath right from the time he was born. He would have apneic episodes for 30-90 sec.) I say don't beat up on yourself, you didn't cause this. Things happen it doesn't always mean that just because something else in the future happens that it was caused by you. We were given our children because they knew we could handle the miracle we were intended for. You have to understand that there is nothing you could have done any different that would have changed the outcome or the diagnosis of your child. I think in my experience the reason I was given my ds was to learn patiencee. He has taught me alot more than I ever thought. Just take one day at a time and enjoy the time you have together.Go onto a general parenting site and ask how many have dropped their children, or how many of their children have fallen down stairs, bashed into door frames, done triple somersaults off coffee tables etc etc. It's going to be an awful lot.I agree with everyone else here-it is not your fault, nor your child's fault that autism is a part of your life! When our son had his tubes put into his ears they said his recovery should take about a half hour. Several hours later his oxygen count had still not come up and we were taken by ambulance to the Children's Hospital. I have asked our neurologist if that might be the cause of our son's seizures or autism. His answer is that we will never know the cause. I have learned to accept this as being the way our son was beautifully created. Is your child very young? Although it can be difficult at times, find the precious moments to share with your child.
[/QUOTE]My son likes to bang his head on our bed's headboard. At first we were concerned but he smiled and did it some more. Now days I worry about his breaking the bed.
because of my high triglycerides I took massive amounts of fish oil during my pregnancy. I didn't know you had to check the label to see if it was mercury free.
I can NOT stop thinking about that.
Is it a coincidence that with my second son I didn't take any fish oil and he is NT?
I know it's not helpful to obsess about it, but it's always in the back of my mind.
It's normal for mom's to feel responsible for EVERYTHING when it comes to their children.
In your case, the MRI would have shown any brain injury, and you did that test and it was normal. That should give you some peace of mind that it was not due to the fall.
Can we ever really know? And if we could- would it change the dx ?
We need to look forward
You are the best mom for your child, just as he is- and just as YOU are
Before I got to the part about you telling us about your marriage - I was going to tell you NOT to tell your dh either. Unless your dh is a very understanding person, that would stick with most people and eventually eat away at them. Unfortunately, it is doing that to you right now!
You did NOT cause your child's autism. I think you are probably going to have to say that to yourself 50 times a day for the next year in order to even start to believe it - but do that if that's what you need to do to get it out of your head! The MRI was fine - anything would have shown up on that if the fall had caused brain damage. So, try SUPER hard not to blame yourself - okay?
I'm sorry about your marriage. Absolutely do NOT tell your husband for sure! You don't want him having any ammo against you in a divorce.
I think it might be a good idea to get individual counseling for yourself if you can. Even if it's only a few sessions - you need to work this through and I strongly suspect that will only be accomplished by someone else repeatedly telling you it was NOT your fault! Although, I think we've all been doing a pretty good job of that as well!
Again, YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR SON'S AUTISM. Repeat again - 50 times a day! Or until you believe it!
Big hugs to you!
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