Is your child deeply attached to a parent | Autism PDD
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Is your ASD child strongly attached to a parent? and demonstrates it through crying protensting when you/other parent leaves the room , shows a lot of affection etc
Its always fascinating to me how our spectrum kids are so differnnt form each other and I was just curious
R is considered Classically ASD ( his psychologist even said moderate to severe ASD and the childbrain says moderate PDD- so we are definitely smack dab in the middle of the spectrum )
but he has and always has had strong separation anxiety - if he had his way - I would have in my lap all day - he is also very demonstrative and will kiss me a million times a day ( but not strangers - he is loving but has clear preferences between differnet family members - almost a ranking order )
T is to us both, but ooooh, that DAAAAAAADDY!
Yes, KajoliT, if J had his druthers, he would have spent his entire first 3.5
years in my lap.
He separates very easily from me now, in familiar settings. But he is fisrt
and foremost a total mama's boy! Loves his Dad, but clings to me.
My youngest was a total momma's boy. We joked that if he had his way, he would crawl back inside me so we would never be apart. Between the ages of 4 and 5, this diminished. He's still very loving and affectionate with me, but he won't chase my car down the driveway in tears if I try to leave without him.
My oldest was attached pretty equally to DH and I. When he was young, I had a private sitter whom he loved. His attachment was never as extreme as my youngest son's.
My son spends his life in my lap, especially when he's sick. i only know if he's feeling better when he gets off my lap.
My daughter spent a long tiime seemingly not to care, she loves to spend time alone with either one of us but not both of us at the same time.
Parker loves us both, but he is definately a Daddy's boy! I'm home with him all day and dh works a lot. When dh is home he plays with Parker and does things with him. He tickles him and wrestles him and takes him in his car. Parker just loves that. When he's hurt or sick, he mostly wants me. Daddy is still his favorite, and I don't blame him. Daddy is the best at tickling and loves watching sports. My dd is pretty attached to him too, but likes to do more girl stuff and crafts with me. Can't beat that fun Daddy!In fact some say None - that is some are just not able to demonstrate affection because of sensory/communication issues but are totally capable of love ( greenspan in one of his podcasts said spectrum folks are more loving than NT's )
It amazes me that that is still the stereotype
Though I have a friend who says her ASD child would not notice if she went awayHi,My son wasn't clearly attached to anyone particular when he was little. We could have left him with anyone and I don't think he would have noticed.
Just recently he has become very clingy to me, and always wants to be kissed on the cheek. He will actually pull my face to his cheek
. If my husband asks for a kiss, he will not give him one, no matter what!!I'm kind of enjoying this attention
nakama
My son is and has always been very affectionate. He went through a phase
at 3.5 where he seemed more attached to me than dp but it has been
pretty even most of the time.
However he never went through stranger anxiety or seperation anxiety.
We went to playgroups and preschool and he always just took of to play
and never looked back or hung onto me. He never cried and hid when a
stranger talked to him. He is seven now and he will still go up to anyone
and touch them and try and sit on their lap. He is a favorite of his
grandparents because he will right away snuggle up to them. They'll say
"He really remembers me, I love how affectionate he is" And I have to
bite my tongue not to say "Actually he might not remember you, he gets
on everyone's lap and strokes their hair". Better to let them believe that it
is about them. Most kids just make people close to them feel special, my
son makes anyone feel special.
While I believe his affection is genuine ( it is sensory based but also
about affection), his ability to attach is 'not typical'.
Neither one of my kids have had separation anxiety. They've always had a nanny during the day and spend equal time with dh and I when we're home. They're good in unfamilar places, and if there are other kids and or toys around they run off with barely a goodbye to me.
However, R, my NT son, went through a "I want mommy to do it" phase when he was ages 3 - 4. C, my ASD son, is in a "I want mommy to do it" phase now. It's not extreme though, and he accepts without protest daddy as a substitute most of the time. Thankfully, they are going through the "mommy phase" at different times!
Mason is all about me. This has progressively gotten worse as he has gotten older. When he was younger he didn't really show any preference for me or his dad, but now it is definitely me.
He always wants to be hugging and kissing me...sitting on my lap. I have made a rule for him that he is allowed to kiss and hug me one at a time...before this it would be this fast constant kissing thing...and when he wants to sit on my lap I tell him 1 minute and then he can sit next to me...We have progressively getting lower with our time he can sit on my lap and he seems to be taking to it fine.
He is 6 now, so I'm hoping I can get this under control pretty quickly. But it's rough because for so long he didn't really seem to show any emotion, so this love he wants to show me, I hate to say no to it...but at the same time I don't want it to become a huge problem either.
Yes even at 6. When he goes to therapy and even sometimes at school, he takes a photo of me and says he will miss me. Dad is the bank and the bearer of great toys but I'm the parent he is most attached to. Most family members think I baby him but he is very emotional and he sits on my lap alot too. I enjoy cuddleing w/ him and smelling him and we rub noses alot! Chrisitan cried every single day for his whole Kindergarten year. He was on the brink of tears this morning, first day back but dad was there and he held it in.
[QUOTE=mollyalexis]Parker loves us both, but he is definately a Daddy's boy! I'm home with him all day and dh works a lot. When dh is home he plays with Parker and does things with him. He tickles him and wrestles him and takes him in his car. Parker just loves that. When he's hurt or sick, he mostly wants me. Daddy is still his favorite, and I don't blame him. Daddy is the best at tickling and loves watching sports. !
This is my son and his dad to a T!
The boys are borderline, Andrew right under and Nikolas right over, and they have both showed a preference for me over DH since birth. I thought cause I did 90% of the care for them. When the baby was born Andrew transferred that to DH since I always had a baby on my lap, but since moving here a year ago DH is always working or gone so that has come back to me. THey don't care where DH goes, but let me go to the bathroom and I have 3 little fists banging on the door. Nikolas isn't as obvious about it, but he would still prefer mommy to anyone else. He will spend more time on his own though.heh, when I was little I was attatched to mommy. My dad always worked and mom was a stay at home mome (because of me actually, i was a handful).I remember going thru a phase where (and I love daddy too) but he was a little more rougher with me, i beleive he has AS, and so, he would come home, and want quiet, he was quick to temper, and if i was playing in the tv room and was interupting him or maby being rough with my sister, he would punish me, tell me to sit on the chair. Well... I told him "im telling mommy on you" and ran up to the bathroom where mom as walking a shower, i yelled thru the door, but dad got me by then, mom did not come to my rescue and i did my time on the chair. Hehe.
Mom was always the one I would go to if I had a problem, or tell her my day after school, or want her to play with me. As I got older, me and my dad would do stuff, i have a feeling sometimes that he knew I was a bit different when little, and perhapse was waiting till I got older so perhapse we would shair a common interest, he had a hard time interacting with me because I did not want to be touched, somewhere, their is a picture of me trying to escape while he was trying to get me to sit on him lap, when piggy back riding I would scream to be let off
. Later in life me and my dad built and raced R/C cars, and we work together to fix/upgrade my place.
Sorry for the post that got long and off topic, i get into it sometimes. Currently, i have never had such an open, honest and close relationship with my parents, it just took 24 years and me moving out, plus a little coming to terms with myself a bit, thankx to being on here, heh.
Woodsman- thats how hayden is with his dad. When I read about you trying to escape and screaming when your dad tried to put you on his lap or piggy back ride you thats how my son acts!
Hayden is sooo attached to me that only in the past 1 1/2 to 2 months has he been even acknowledging his dad. He never liked giving his dad kisses, never wanted to be held by him. Never wanted his dad to get or do anything for him. Would even hate if he looked at him sometimes and seiously seemed like he would be ok if his father didnt even exist! Hes like this with alot of people some times more than others but it was sooo strange to see him act like this toward his dad. Of course my husband would get sooo hurt the way he acted toward him. Hed also scream even if he picked him up and tried playing with him and I wasnt exactly sure what to tell him why he was acting like that. I didnt know that lots of asd kids are like that since hes only been dxed since june. Not sure but I think he was alittle extreme in that area!
But lately hes been going and sitting on his lap, he has to sleep next to him (middle so he was near both of us), kissing and hugging him and gets distraught if he leaves back to work after lunch without a hug AND kiss otherwise my husband will have to turn around and give him one. He wants to call him on the phone when hes at work, talk to him, begs his dad to play with him when he gets home from work, lets him get his drink/snacks- everything! Its amazing because its like hes experiencing a connection extremely late! He made 4 in june, but better late then never! Its funny because just the other day my son actually reached for my husbands elbow to stim and started his ritual of terrorizingthe elbow (rubbing it real fast and hard to comfort himself). My husband was so happy! lol Of course he still does have his moments/days where he dosnt want anything to do with his dad/others but hes come a long way recently!
Woodsman- thats how hayden is with his dad. When I read about you trying to escape and screaming when your dad tried to put you on his lap or piggy back ride you thats how my son acts!
Hayden is sooo attached to me that only in the past 1 1/2 to 2 months has he been even acknowledging his dad. He never liked giving his dad kisses, never wanted to be held by him. Never wanted his dad to get or do anything for him. Would even hate if he looked at him sometimes and seiously seemed like he would be ok if his father didnt even exist! Hes like this with alot of people some times more than others but it was sooo strange to see him act like this toward his dad. Of course my husband would get sooo hurt the way he acted toward him. Hed also scream even if he picked him up and tried playing with him and I wasnt exactly sure what to tell him why he was acting like that. I didnt know that lots of asd kids are like that since hes only been dxed since june. Not sure but I think he was alittle extreme in that area!
But lately hes been going and sitting on his lap, he has to sleep next to him (middle so he was near both of us), kissing and hugging him and gets distraught if he leaves back to work after lunch without a hug AND kiss otherwise my husband will have to turn around and give him one. He wants to call him on the phone when hes at work, talk to him, begs his dad to play with him when he gets home from work, lets him get his drink/snacks- everything! Its amazing because its like hes experiencing a connection extremely late! He made 4 in june, but better late then never! Its funny because just the other day my son actually reached for my husbands elbow to stim and started his ritual of terrorizingthe elbow (rubbing it real fast and hard to comfort himself). My husband was so happy! lol Of course he still does have his moments/days where he dosnt want anything to do with his dad/others but hes come a long way recently!
[/QUOTE]im glad to hear his relationship with his dad improved. Yes, this sounds common, not sure if its an ASD thing or other kids do it. I took phycology in collage and from what I read on here (i wont get into freudian BS) but seems like many boys are attatched to their mothers. I feel bad for the dads, must be hurtful, and wether everykid does it or if it is indeed an ASD thing it still must be hard on daddy. I know i feel bad now thinking about it, sometimes i would run from him and to mom. But we had our fun, he would mess with me b4 bed, throw koosh balls at me and id hacve to dodge them.
I think it has to do with mommy being more suitible for nurturing, she seems to be their more, where (and i guess im generalizing here, using my father and compairing him to others, dispite the fact he may have AS) that he was more distant, more serious. He was the one who would do the more serious punishments, he was the one who would want to be left alone sometimes, it seemed more like he was to support the family by going to work and have mom take care of the kids, kinda a primitive was of living if u ask me (like back in anchient times, dads would hunt, moms would take care of the kids.
Im sure many fathers here, nowdays are different then my dad, but kids (AS or not) pick up on the fact that mom is more of a nurturer, dads are 'supposed' to be the tough ones, and wont cuddle and do all that.
I know everyone is different, and i know nobody is like my dad, who I love dearly. I think their were many factors, at least in my situation, that caused me to seek mommy cause she could confort me, where as dad would be more unwilling, not being good with emotions, he probably wanted me to 'be tough.' I wonder if thats normal, and it seems like it is.
hope i did not offend anybody, my circumstances im sure are different then yours, but lets face it, fathers are more 'tough' and want their kids to be, mothers, are more nurturing and want to compfort them, by opinion only.
That makes alot of sense woodman. I am a stay at home mom and my husband supports the family (were a cavemen family
I also figured since my husband (who I think is ASD too) lots of times spaces out by himself or when were talking to him, i figured thats why hayden wasnt attached to him as well because he wasnt attached himself. Know what I mean? But still my husband would want to comfort him if he had a booboo or play with him and hed get shunned so probably they both kinda were detached??? But hayden was definately extreme!
My son is attached to both mommmy and daddy. He will sit and twirl my hair forever and sit on daddy's lap while he is working on the computer for hours. Always a hugger and very affectionate.
Its very interesting to see so many kids who are so affectionate and demontrate it to their parentsIn one of the Greenspan books - I think Child with Special Needs he had talked about the core deficit of ASD being an inability to relate - ( not to be confused wth any inability to feel love)
My dd used to be upset when I left when she was little. She is 5 now and more independent. She is affectionate, but she just doesn't get upset if I leave like when little.
We are delaing with HUGE separation anxiety at the moment. It is beyond ridiculous, my son wants me to be around at all times. Earlier this year, I used to stay with him at kindie and gradually started leaving him for a few minutes building up to the whole session of 2.5 hours. He was fine, especially when I had the baby and was in the hospital, his dad would drop him off and he would wave him goodbye and ran off happily. I don't know maybe something happened at the kinder (????? ref. my earlier post about a boy refusing to sit next to him) that he can't explain but all of a sudden he refused to be left behind. His ECI teacher feels that it might be due to the new baby and also because he is talking so much more, and understanding even more that now he is truly going through the separation thing. Let's hope we can deal with this soon. Its sooo hard.
Oh and he is mama's boy all the way.
Mary
My 16.5 yo has ALWAYS been way overattached to me. But it makes sense. I have been a SAHM, I have been his teacher, playmate, "sibling" and translator. He has no inablity to feel or understand emotions or relate emotionally (hence, his PDD-NOS status, not classic autism) but he has always DEPENDED on me more. Of course, so has my husband. Who else can tell him where the extra light bulbs are? (OF course, they've been stored in the same place for the 19 years of our marriage).
Anyway, we have worked VERY hard on getting over the separation anxiety, but it was not until this past year, when both DS and DH were forced to live without me all day each and every Saturday (due to my advocacy classes) that they both became far more independent of me. Phew! However, sometimes when I walk back into the livingroom after having taken a short bathroom break, my son will STILL look up with joy on his fact and say, "Mommy, you're back -- I MISSED you!"
Adam has never shown affection. Except to let me give him him a kiss on top of the head only, and hug before he goes to bed. I think he thinks that is what you are "supossed" to do.
My husband was his primary caregiver until he was in school, but he could leave the room and he wouldn't care at all. He would rather be alone anyday then with anyone; even us. Now that he is 12.5 he really has almost no relationship with his dad at all. He prefers not even to talk to him although he is home all day with him during the summer. My DH always says as far as Adam is concerned he really doesn't exist.
My son either wants to be right next to me/ on my lap or by himself in his room. One extreme to another. He won't allow anyone to touch him except me or my daughter. He does not like men. My dd is phobic around people (strangers) and at that point defi. seems clingy and attached to me.. but we could be at my inlaws and she copuld care less if Ileft/arrived/cried/laughed!He is very reserved, and only a small number of people have a card in his VIP club. However, I have seen him experience happiness, anger, fright and sometimes sheer joy. To date, however, I have yet to see empathy. I am hoping that comes with language development.
Sharlet isn't very attached to either of us. She still usually doesn't notice if we come and go. I still must turn her face in my direction and tell her I am leaving. I'd say Donny is attached to his Dad and I. He's attachment disorderedAND autistic, so it doesn't look like typical attachment. He's not overly
affectionate or typically affectionate, but that said...
Don is just so sweet. When he's feeling affectionate, he will come up to
his Dad or I (most often me, as he's a bit of a momma's boy) and tickle
us, smiling into our face and making eye contact. If you tickle him back,
he'll laugh and tickle again, but what he really wants is hugs, and kissing,
and to be told that you love him :) I would say he shows affection like
this about once a day. He gets snuggly once a week or so. Pretty nice for
a 10 year old ;)
Don doesn't have seperation anxiety, although he does ask "Where's
mom/dad" quite frequently when one of us is out. I think that's more out
of hoping that we're out buying him something, or wishing he could be at
a fun place with us, than out of missing us though. That said, he does
have a hard time if we go away overnight - he gets quite upset, cries
easily, and then "punishes" us when we get back....I hope that one day
he'll trust completely that we're coming back and so won't need to be
upset that way.
I read a really interesting book a few years ago called "Raising Boys" and it talks about how boys go through 3 phases of attachment identity.
Birth - Age 6 or so: It's all about mommy. Not that they don't love both parents, but when a boy under 6 gets hurt, 99% of the time they scream for mommy.
Age 6 - 13 or so: It's all about daddy. At this age boys start following daddy around and imitating him and learning how to be a man. Per the book, these are the most important years for fathers to be hands on and involved as this is the time when a boy really needs the male role model to emulate.
Age 13 - 18: Kids don't want to listen to either parent. This is when it's important to assure that your son has other positive role models (coaches, teachers, extended family) because during the teen years, advice given to a boy by someone he respects, that isn't his parents, is most likely to have a lasting impression.
It's just one book, one person's opinion, but I found it interesting and thought I'd share it.
momma s boy for sure. Always, "mommy almost done computer?" he wants me all to himself.Sarah didnt get attached to me till her language came in..the more it came the more she could express she wanted me. She had a little boy in her ABA playgroup that was mod-severe ASD and he wanted his mommy from beginning of session to te end (she would drop him off) ..he would state over and over "where is mommy" "I want mommy" nonstop for weeks:)The girls aren't very affectionate nor are they attached (the opposite, actually - the are far too independent). They know how to 'ham it up' when they want something, but true, no-strings-attached affection is pretty rare in our household. My son is 10X more affectionate then the girls.Adam is not very affectionate either...I mean he has his moments for sure ..like out of the blue he can say , "I love you Mom." But it's not every day. Sometimes he actually will reject me if I try and hug him so that's really hard. I am not a huggie person with other adults other than my spouse, but I am with my kids so it's hard for me but I do understand.
Karrie
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