I’ve had it with my Asperger’s hubby!!
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As some of you might remember I posted about getting divorced and I truly believed that was the answer. However, I realized that financially and without a car I wasn't sure I could pull it off. So, I tried to make due with my situation and it's only gone from bad to worse. The biggest problem is his drinking habit, second would be his disrespect for me and disregard for the children. He has said many times "Only I matter and whatever I say goes, if you don't like it get the H*** out!!". Well, that would be acceptable if he was a loving husband, a good provider, and a caring father!! He possesses none of those qualities, in fact he finds it funny to torture me and the kids daily with sarcasm and cruelty. There is no physical abuse, and at one point he was on medication, but he fell off the wagon and turned to booze instead of focusing on what was important. I have tried to be very patient with him, but honestly I don't think he has the capacity to be in a family enviroment. I'm just at my witts end and I just wanted to vent and get it off my chest before I stroke out here. Both Saturday and Sunday he ditched out, while I'm taking the kids to the park, out to eat, shopping, playing frisbee, riding bikes, etc. He comes home to complain on how the house isn't spotless enough or how dinner wasn't on the table. Well, sorry, but if you can't even answer your cellphone after I called 5 times I wasn't gonna care about your empty belly. Our cat pooped in the laundry room last nite and I was busy with my younger one, I was changing his pull-up and trying to get him ready for bed. I told him that it needed to be cleaned and I couldn't go do that right now. What did he do?? He passed out in my son's bed and took a NAP!! I was so frustruated I had a spray bottle of water and threatened to squirt him if he didn't help( I was trying to make light of an already stressful situation). He decides to get a can of Oust and spray me with it. He then went back to his nap. My son was playing on his computer at the time and he was wabbling his chair since he has trouble sitting still. My husband starts to throw pillows at him telling him to "shut up" and "stop that c***". This is just one day in our life. Everyday he has some form of arrogance or meaness imposed upon us and I literally don't know what to do. If i file for divorce I have no transportation, no where else to go, and no money to support me and the kids. My family can't really be bothered, like I said I've stated the many reasons before, but this is not fair that I'm trying so desperately to give my kids a good life and he instead chooses to destroy it. I know some of you are thinking "well, it's his asperger's or bipolar disorder", but if he cared he would want help wouldn't he? I know if i was making my families life unhappy I would do whatever it took to try to make things work. Ok, I'm done, sorry if I offended anyone by my context. I just needed to talk about it somewhere. HUGS LISA!! Keeping a family running is HARD WORK! & w/o support from your partner....EVEN HARDER! My Motto: SHAPE UP or SHIP OUT! I know...Not much compasion here! Sorry... It seems to me like,he wants to call all the shots,but he acts like one of the kids. BE STRONG! HANG IN THERE! Know that you cannot change him. Moving out will give him a wake up call and I would do that if you can. Let him know that you want him to get help and you support him and love him and want more than anything to be a family. Then leave. Not forever, but for a while if you can swing it. That would be my advice but I don't know if that is feasible. Julie, I've been married 10 yrs, and in that time I've left 5 times, been to numerous therapists, psychologists, I've even worked with a DV shelter. They are all stumped with what I can do. I can't list how many loving and patient things I have tried to make him realize I just want us to try to work it out. It's like he has no heart or feelings. He is totally unphased, and no matter what I do or say he just ignores my pleas. Everytime I've left in the past I've had to return because I couldn't make it on my own with the boys. I'm sure it's possible, but I need even just a lil outside support. but fortunately not lately... not since we decided he has ADHD. Realizing this has made a huge difference in his self-esteem, and has helped me through the few times since then, when he's had a difficult moment. There is a message board for spouses of adults with ADHD that I think you would really appreciate. I'll find it. ~here~ http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_topics.asp?FID=13 I honestly don't think his issues are entirely Asperger's related. Self centered (to a point) yes, but the verbal and emotional abuse can't be blamed on Asperger's. My DH is most likely an Aspie, and while he has a lot of social issues, he treats us with the utmost love and respect. It sounds to me like your man needs some serious counseling. No one should be treated the way your family has. If I were you, I would look into getting some legal advice on your rights, and how to support your family without him. Me again, and I don't think it's Asperger's, either. I really think it isADHD! The site in my last post is for YOU, not him.  I really encourage
you to consider this, and try to treat it, as a last chance. Counseling won't work if it's ADHD, until you are treating the ADHD. Look up "diet ADHD" etc. and see what foods you might try to eliminate/encourage. Call around and find a psychologist/psychiatrist who is familiar with ADHD in adults, and make an appointment!!! You have to be the adult here, and you might just be his saving grace. Don't ~accept~ the ADHD (or whatever it is), but acknowledge it and fight it. There is a little screening test for adults to see if they might have ADHD. If you can't get your dh to do it, do it for him. ... I know that the night I realized that this was ADHD and not just psycho-hubby, I was so relieved, and kept hugging him and telling him I loved him, LOL, and that I was SO GLAD he was ADHD! Love the man, not the disorder. I will be praying
for you, to have wisdom and clear direction. I totally appreciate the advice, in fact I welcome it, but what I'm trying to say is that he is refusing all help. He doesn't want to goto counseling or see why he's behaving this way. He instead blames me saying that if this or that was done more perfect or if he could go out drinking all the time and live like a teenager then and only then would things be "ok" in his book. I can't force him to go, I've already been to court once over certain things to make him get help and it backfired on me. He bluffed out of the class for a year, did whatever they told him and as soon as he was done he was back to drinking. I wish there was a way to reach him, but even his dr's said my only option right now is to leave. This is so not fair to the boys. I agree with Amie, Shape up or dont let the door hit ya! I have a great husband-BUT at least once every 2 months I think he loses his darn mind! He needs a dx maybe we can call it(LHM=lost his marbles) You are not alone I promise!! I often have to put "the Law" down on him cause he gets lazy and stupid!!! I think it is healthy to put a little fire underneath his you know what every once in a while!! I told him once in a calm manner that his kids would see him more if he we were divorced and he had them every other week visitation! Well his ears must have been working that time-he hustled!! Just remember that nothing is worth being mistreated for-let him know your expectations of him and if he fails you then there will be consequences! I have been in too many horrible relationships and this marriage is serious buisness. I will not except anything less and either should you! Hope it gets better for you. Demand respect!Very tough decision! What did he do the last 5 times you left him? Perhaps you didn't stay away looooooonG enough?? He could just believe you will take the kids for a bit and come back every time. Surely there must be some kind of programs out there to help you and your children. You said you have worked with a DV shelter...is that something like a woman's shelter? You two need to sit down and discuss this...let him KNOW that IF you leave THIS time, you and the children are NOT coming back, EVER! I sure hope things work out for you! I don't exactly know how to word this but It is one thing to say that a behavior is caused by "insert name of disorder here" but that doesn't mean that he is allowed to treat you or the children in that manner. There are acceptable ways - even for those with Autism, Aspergers, and PDD and everything else to act and behave. That is what we call functional. Functional people follow the basic rules of society. If he can't even make an attempt to work toward being functional around you and the kids, then he just simply can't be in the family in the standard way. He will always be their Father, but to be a "Dad" he has to be able to conduct himself as a "Dad" at least a good portion of the time. I hope that makes sense. It has to be REALLY hard on the kids psyche (yours too) to be trapped with that kind of behavior constantly. Allowing it to continue is not only harmful to you, it is harming the kids. I really do sympathize about the finances, but there are ways to work it out. What you need is some good advice about programs available in your area to help women coming from abusive homes gain independence. My advice would be to check with the women's shelters etc. I agree with NerdyMom check into a womans shelter, they can help you find a job, daycare and possibly a place to stay. I have a friend that had to do that and she has 5 kids, she left and took them to a shelter and they helped her find a job and a place to live. I know it is scary and the money situation is an issue, but abuse of any kind cant be tolerated in MHO, even if they have a disorder, people wont change unless they want too, right now you have no control over others, only yourself and your actions, your hubby needs to figure that out and get help, but if he wants to be the way he is, no amount of pushing from you will make a difference until he is ready himself to get help. Only you know in your heart what is right, and you want the best for your kids, having them in that situation IMHO is not what is best for them right now, I hope you don't take this wrong and think that I think your a bad Mom, I don't think that and I know from personal experience helping my friend out that sometimes getting over our fears of leaving a negative situation takes some time. I hope all works out for you and your family, try to hang in there.I completely agree with Candy and Nerdy. The situation is "docile" now but I would hate it to get worse. Please see your legal options, women's shelters, etc. I really fear that it might escalate. I personally had an instance with DH that it almost escalated to a level I never thought it would but it woke him up and it has never happened again, my situation was different but I would never want to got hrough it again, I would not wish that you would go through what we almost went through. My prayers and hopes are with you and your boys. Remember, at this time, you and they are the most important thing. If youf hubby is not willing to help himself, you cannot do it for him.It is hard to make a marriage work, you have to look at everything, are you better off with or without him, if he does not change, will kids benefit from him. Sayng you can't make it without him financially is not true, it would be hard but you can make it. their are a lot of helpful places that will give aid, going to shelter or getting him leave is another problem. If you leave, and fear losing everything, it can all be replaced, can you continue to take the abuse, does it benefit the kids. it is hard to keep a marriage, but it also takes 2 to make a marriage, if only one is trying, and the other is abusive, alcoholic, it is not worth it. You cant keep it if it is already lost. As i told son the other day his autism is reason for his problems, it is not an excuse. You can make it on your own, and it sounds like except for money you are already doing it all alone. Wow, so many questions to answer Well, first of all the 5 times I left , I did not return on my own accord. A few times I tried staying with my parents and my Mother couldn't handle my youngest one around with all of his quirks and behaviors. I tried staying with one of my friends years ago and she had a one bdrm apartment and she was single. Eventually my lifestyle was way different from hers and we both agreed it wasn't working out. A few times I also had to bring in the police and had restraining orders where he was removed. Believe it or not, justice is not always on your side. The house is in HIS name and so the judge basically allowed him to return with a contingent order of protection. He violated the order quite a few times, but he would threaten or blackmail me by saying he'd shut off the electricity, or wouldn't get things the kids needed when they were sick or if we needed diapers, etc. I am in a few online support groups and it's not as easy as you think it is to pick up and leave. Three years ago he stopped supporting the kids, so I filed for SSI and foodstamps. I didn't receive much because he still lives here. The counselors I spoke to at the DV shelter thought it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kids to the shelter for quite a few reasons. The lifestyle there is very different from what they are accustom to and you are responsible for doing chores around the shelter, and leaving the child in the facility daycare (as well as sharing a room with other victims and their children). The director basically told me they aren't equipped to handle special needs children. There is alot of noise and activity there and in the best interest of the children they were against it. So, they gave me leads to transitional housing. I called each one and there are waiting lists till 2010!! I am not giving all these details to make excuses, but more to show you I'm not a quitter and I by no means am idlely sitting by just taking what he dishes out. I am a very protective mother. When things get escalated I divert my kids somewhere else. It's exhausting at times, but I do whatever I have to do to keep the kids on an even keel. I know this is a touchy subject and it does bring on some strong emotions, but keep in mind that there are many circumstances involved in a situation like this. I also have had quite a few health problems that have made it difficult for me to just be superwoman. I have fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, pcos, and osteorarthritis in my spine. This has definitely taken a toll. Lisa, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes I feel like I cant take anymore just dealing with my ds & autism. I know your going through alot right now, you are a very STRONG person & I pray that things work out for you very soon. You deserve soooo much more than your getting right now. Remember that we are here for you when you need someone to lean on. Im not sure where you live & how things are, but where I live the autism services stink but the welfare, food stamps , HUD housing& free aparments depending on income is pretty good, which could help you to get out on your own. Have you looked into anything like that?Thank you, I needed to read that right now In my last post Cameronsmom I mentioned that I tried to get some help from public assistance. I'm in IL and I receive some foodstamps and all housing is full at the moment, but I continueally keep checking. I appreciate all the warm thoughts and advice. God bless and Goodnite everyone ah that is so rough. I know it isn't easy to just pick up and leave and I bet you just feel so desperate right now. How terrible that you have found the courage to pick up the phone and ask for help, but nobody has been able to give it to you. Can I ask if you are connected to a Church at all? I'm not asking so much because I care that you have religion, but because I know that our Church frequently finds a way to help out families in a crises situation. Where do the kids go to school? Do you have the phone number of a Social Worker there that might know of some reliable avenues? Well, today is already going off like a hitch. My son is home today with bowel problems. He woke up bent over with gas pains because as most austic children, he holds his bowels for several days. I wasn't sure if it was stomach flu because he vomitted a very small amount. I called his peds and she told me to give him some Miralax. Well, we have been changing pull-ups here non-stop! To answer your questions Nerdymom, I am catholic but the children attend public school. My older son is in a typical class room, while my younger one is bused to an MIE program in the next town. I have explained my situation to his teacher somewhat. I feel that certain things should be kept separate from school business because every little problem your child has is often dismissed to the family enviroment as it is. I have attempted going to my church, but they are not very understanding, and since I don't feel comfortable even doing that I surely don't feel comfortable sharing my personal life with them either. I need to find some type of support group where my situation is not foreign or strange. Despite much searching I haven't had much luck. Lisa, I really do not know what else to say except I am praying that you get the answers that you need. I wish there was more Ic ould do or say, I would even offer my home and my assistance but I am a ways away from IL and I would hate to put you in that predicament. I will look around for any resources I can think will help you. If worse comes to worse, contact legal aide, sometimes they might have some resources. I wish you nothing but the best, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Good luck my dear. |
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I tried to talk to him tonight and just like any discussion we have it's all me talking and him just staring at his computer. I ask him very sincere questions and all he says is "I don't know". I feel like I'm talking to my children when I try to have an adult convo with him. I finally started crying and gave him an ultimatum. I told him he has one week to start showing he cares, to be more involved with his children and to show me more respect as well. Of course he starts with the inappropriate grin and then I said "do you want me to leave, to take the kids and just go?" and he only said "no", along with the same grin. So, I'm tired and stressed so for now that's all I'm gonna do for tonight.