roommate abuse RAs have very little authority at most schools and are only a year or two older than the students they're supposed to have authority over - not a good situation.  You need to go over her head. Honestly, I'd step in.  College kids are still kids, and there's nothing wrong with helping them make the transition to adulthood.  It sounds like it's time to talk to someone about a different roomate or a private room.  Leaving your daughter in that room with that roommate sounds like a recipe for disaster.  Is your daughter registered with the disabilities office on campus?  They may be able to help advocate for a private room or some other solution.  They may need documentation showing that it's necessary, but the paperwork is worth it to get the extra help. If it helps, this is something that plenty of NT students deal with every year too.  I've taught at several colleges and the one universal truth seems to be that dorms are hard to live in.  This isn't isolated to a student w/HFA, though I'm sure the problems are magnified by it.  Good luck!  I hope things straighten out soon. My daughter is a  college student (big public) and is documented as a student with disabilities because of her high functional autism .  My D has been under extreme stress because of the bad relationship with her roommate.  I have urged my D to solve this by herself, and D has contacted the Room Assistant couple of times , but she hasn�ft been able to make any headway.  In short, the roommate is repeatedly waking my D up at night and claiming that D is snoring(her roommate snores as well), so D cannot get a complete night�fs sleep.  The roommate also does not allow D to close and lock the door while D is in the room which I think could be a problem of safety.(D's I pod was stolen due to this. Listening to music conforts her a lot)  The roommate has also tells D  that she "stinks" and sprays her while she is sleeping or awake with deodorant.  She also talks to her friends on the phone about D while D is in the room and does not filter what she says.   This mental cruelty has become worse and I am worried about D.   I don't want to be a helicopter parent but..... If the RA cannot help, she needs to go higher up. For morale, she can go to myveryworstroommate.com and see what other people have gone through. Thank you for your advice.  My wife who is more reluctant to intervene the situation did wrote a letter to the person who was above RA but nothing has happened so far.   My D has other problem There has been a terrible misunderstanding in one of her classes,  Teacher, of that class thinks that my D cheated on a test.  I received the following E-mail from my D:   "My  teacher thinks I cheated on the test when she noticed me writing small  sentences on the desk board. I was actually just copying down the sentences that were on the test on the desk so I could rewrite them again on a piece of paper and go over with you and mom on whether I did the noun qualifiers correctly. I sent a letter to the teacher on the misunderstanding by email, but I am very, VERY upset because I did nothing wrong and now I will be punished for it. I don't want to be punished!!! I have too much stress already. I'm so sorry."   My wife  and I have been trying to help D and, in fact, we spent a couple of hours helping her study.  D was trying to remember the sentences from the test so she could go over them with us later and ultimately understand the concepts better.   I imagine that this looked very suspicious to the teacher, but D was not trying to cheat.  She was just trying to understand the material better.   I think that D�fs  autism makes it hard for her to judge how her actions appear to others. D told  me that she had E-mailed her teacher in order to explain her actions.  I worry, however, that the teacher won�ft understand D�fs unusual behavior.    Thank you. This is her second year. First year's roommate was nice and actually she suggested my D to live with her. My D misunderstood her suggestion and denied it. She is majoring in psychology and her statistics was a disaster. She got panicked before the mid-term and couldn't go through. We encouraged her to talk to the teacher,though. This ia a large public college and I just wonder teachers have enough attention on her. About talking to al the teachers, I am dying to do that, however, after all she is 20 years old and University expects her to react not from her parents. and she just doesn't move forward. I guess there is a fear factor to communicate. Sorry to hear your dd is having a rough time. Is this her first year?   I have taught a few classes part time at a local college (small private) so I thought I would offer some feedback from both the parent and professor aspects.   First, has your daughter told the teachers she has a documented disability? I had a student in one of my classes that had a documented disability, but I did not know about it until half way through the semester. In his case, it was fine motor control, and my policy was that as long as I can read homework and tests, it did not matter if handwriting was messy, so he did not have any reason to tell me but, my point is, there was no policy in place for me to know if I was not told by the student.   Second, if I understand you correctly regarding the test, I would have thought she was cheating too. I think she needs to go talk to all her teachers. She could prepare a little handout that indicates the main accommodations she needs (depending on what the university has agreed to allow her in terms of accommodations). If she wanted test questions, she should have asked the teacher in advance if there was a problem with her having an extra copy of the exam. In some cases, the teacher may be planning to give the same exam to another class, and she would need to wait until the test was graded and returned.   I encouraged my students to work together on homework as long as they handed in their own work, but I am not sure how I would respond to having a parent help with homework at the college level. If she needs your help with the actual academic work (I am not talking about organizing and planning, but about the actual work), I don�t know that I would mention that to the professors.   Unfortunately, I don�t have much inside knowledge of the roommate issue, but as a parent, I would get involved with that. The situation sounds totally unacceptable and potentially very dangerous for your daughter. I would call the university until I found the adult (not the college student) in charge of room assignments and explain the situation and ask what can be done. Make sure you find the right person before you tell the whole story. Unfortunately, if rooms are hard to get, it could be very difficult to change in the middle of the semester.   Boy, I can relate somewhat. I was not physically assaulted (which is honestly what I would call happening to your daughter). I just had problem roommates, once of which was assigned to me after I had been guaranteed a private room  (I was a senior, age 21). I show up on move in day to find someone already in there....a 17-year-old freshman! I was livid but was told there was nothing I could do, that last minute applicants were placed where there was availability, and if I wanted to, I could move to a different room. I had already arranged for phone service in my name for the room and all that, plus I really wanted to be on this floor, so I decided I was going to have to make the best of it. The girl was gone until the day before school started when I finally got to meet her. She seemed OK, but it became pretty apparent she was NOT ready to be away from mom and dad and her 17-year-old boyfriend. She began running up my phone bill and only made one payment on it. The final straw came when the 17-year-old boyfriend drove in after skipping school to spend the day with her in the room, not telling me about it, and when I got back after a long, hard day of advanced classes and working I was locked out of the room. Furious, I laid into her later on and made her life enough of a living he** to get her to move out. Unfortunately she stuck me with a ridiculous phone bill and when I tried to call her parents to have it resolved I got an earful from her mom about what a terrible person I was. I kept my mouth shut about boyfriend doing the deed with daughter when he should have been in high school. Anyway, when there were issues, I took it up with the Residence Director who is a grad student and in charge of the building and all the RA's., who would then call a meeting to try and mediate. After that, you have to go to the director of Residence Life for the whole campus which is a paid adult with probably some kind of psychology degree or administration degree. But, in teh end, they would probably remove your daughter to a new room as opposed to kicking out the roommate. Now, about private rooms. At my college, these were reserved for those with medical issues. One friend of mine suffered from migraines and had the medical documentation to back it up. The private room was a 1/2 size room in the dorm and there was one on each floor. Another friend had visual impairment and a guide dog and she got a private single room as well. I have to believe as long as your daughter has a documented disability, they have to make the accommodation for her. "Documented disability" I have found, works very well at changing attitudes where my young son is concerned. When your daughter is older, she may have more ops to get a regular room alone without the disability. In my final year, a dorm was changed to "over 21." It was suite style and you were guaranteed your own room in the suite. It was "sweet," until one friend ruined it all by bringing a new boyfriend into the suite who had been convicted of drug possession. Me and the other friend never felt comfortable with this guy around and it crated a lot of stress until the end of the year. At least she and I could retreat to our rooms and close the door when he was around. Anyway, as for professors, I think there is more awareness for people with disabilities of all kinds today, so professors should not be surprised when someone is in their class and needs certain accommodations. I agree your daughter needs to talk with her teachers, and ask her advisor to help talk with them if they are not taking her seriously. She should also contact the office on campus that deals with disability issues and see what help they can offer. There is also probably free or sliding scale fee counseling that it may help for her to talk to a professional to help ease her stress. I sought them out when the stress I put on myself to succeed got the best of me. Good luck! There was a lot about college that I loved, but the dorm life was always a sore point until the issues were resolved. After that 17 year-old moved out, I had the best time in that dorm! (she ended up dropping out of school altogether less than a month after she moved out of the room). With her professor, all she can do is discuss what happened with him/her. It may be a good idea from now on to have a discussion with each professor when the semester begins just to let them know what is going on. Professors are more understanding if they know about issues ahead of time rather than bringing it up after an something like this has happened. Unfortunately, what she did does look really suspicious. College campuses usually offer free tutoring to students with disabilities and often to all students. She should check with them about it. If she is stressed, a lot of campuses offer free counseling as well. I agree with the other posters that suggested talking to the office for persons with disabilities, and ask for their help.  It may also help for your dd to talk to a therapist at the campus health center, they can often do more than the disabilities office can. Your dd can request that a parent get further involved, and attend appts at the health center or office of disabilities with her, or have a conference call, if it means she can better communicate what is wrong. I have two dd's at a large public university, one of whom is registered with a disability due to really bad anxiety, she also has adhd, but the office won't recognize it, even though it was dx at the health center on campus.  When she requests it they do send letters to her professors, which allows her to take longer on tests. Even though it's important to allow your dd to try to work through problems on her own, it's also important to step in and help, when the stress becomes overwhelming.  Being on a large campus, can be stressful for a NT student, but add a disability and life can become impossible.  Good luck. Thank you so much for your response. About roommate issue, disability supporting center of her college will help her to solve the problem after the finals.(hoping my D will get new roommate or private room). About talking to the teachers. The disabillty supporting center assumed my D was able to do it by herself and not realizing her shyness etc. This is my D got from the center. Quote: Hi xxxxx. I just got a call from the AAA. I thought you had already gone to see them this quarter and gotten letters and everything you needed to take exams there, and just needed a new exam authorization form. Sorry about the confusion. Because you didn�ft go already this quarter, it is too late ..... Do you think I should contact teachers? Or it is too late or teachers think I am a helicopter parent? I second SaKa. If she can't communicate her needs to the professors, she can ask a representative to go with her. Or she can write a list of what she needs to say so she can remember easier if she feels overwhelmed.  Ask your dd if she is willing to go to an appt with a therapist at the health center, and would she like you to attend.  It would be best if she could make the appt herself. If anxiety is crippling her at this point call them yourself, and explain the situation, and that you're extremely concerned.  They will not give you any information, but will follow up with your daughter. Is your dd on meds for anxiety? (dont have to answer that).  Meds don't solve everything but if she's struggling so much, it may be something she should be discussing with a therapist. Quote: Is your dd on meds for anxiety? Yes, anti depression medicine etc This area is still new and quite frankly some of the doctors are experimenting. Which is rather scary.   I really think your dd needs to be the one to talk with the teachers, if that doesn�t work out, I would suggest you contact the disability office and see if someone from there can go to the teacher with your dd. If there are serious issues, and your dd can�t deal with them, I would say contact the specific teacher with which there is specific problem.   I advise you to tread carefully when it comes to dealing directly with the professors. Work with the established programs first (disability office, etc.) and only cross the line of talking to the professors directly if you feel it is absolutely necessary.   I say this for two reasons, one is that your daughter really needs to learn to advocate for herself within the university system, and the other is that the professors are going to be expecting her to be self-sufficient (disability or not). By this point in her life, my professor side would expect that she is aware of her disability and would be able to get what she needs from the disability office to be successful at the school. It won�t reflect well on her if mom and dad get involved directly with them. They will expect this kind of info to come from dd and the disability office.   Just my opinion � ultimately you need to do what you feel is right for your dd and don�t let me persuade you otherwise if you feel it is best to talk directly with her professors. I have to agree that it would be best not to talk to the professors.  The unfortunate reality is that the average person just does not understand disability, even in its mildest form.  That's why the office of disabilities can be your best resource. Another thing to consider in the long term, is it possible for your dd to transfer to a smaller campus?  Maybe fewer students may make it less intimidating and overwhelming and give your dd a better chance of finishing school. the problem is every time I ask disability center, the person of the center asks my D to come to see her to discuss issues. D just doesn't go there. maybe due to everyday stress or fear of meeting her I don't know. When my D got accepted, she and I met the head of the dept and he was very nice and supportive . Six months later, he assilgned a person to take care of my D. I had kept telling my D to see her. But it took more than six months to see her.     Thank you again all the suggestions. One other issue. because of stress from study,roommate abuse,and anti- depressant, my dd gained weight beyond dangerous level. I don't know how to stop her gaining weight. Her twin sister who is in one of the top Ivies is bulimic which is also a major problem. Well, my dd's twin sister "E" who studies at other university screamed out of anger at her dorm bathroom when she heard her sister's story.   When "E" visited her dorm, I was afraid that she might become violent against my dd's roommate out of anger. [QUOTE=Happytom] My daughter is a  college student (big public) and is documented as a student with disabilities because of her high functional autism .  My D has been under extreme stress because of the bad relationship with her roommate.  I have urged my D to solve this by herself, and D has contacted the Room Assistant couple of times , but she hasn�ft been able to make any headway.  In short, the roommate is repeatedly waking my D up at night and claiming that D is snoring(her roommate snores as well), so D cannot get a complete night�fs sleep.  The roommate also does not allow D to close and lock the door while D is in the room which I think could be a problem of safety.(D's I pod was stolen due to this. Listening to music conforts her a lot)  The roommate has also tells D  that she "stinks" and sprays her while she is sleeping or awake with deodorant.  She also talks to her friends on the phone about D while D is in the room and does not filter what she says.   This mental cruelty has become worse and I am worried about D.   I don't want to be a helicopter parent but..... [/QUOTE] do they have a bullying policy i feel like this roommate is harrisng her an thinks she can gdet away with it. eather your d can maybe get a new room mate or is there a conncouler she can talk to maybe this girl needs a wake up call about harrisng a person with a dissbilty an the conqusinces she can face if it dosnt stop. also your dd if she can needs to telll her room mate when she talking about her that she not deaf she being rude an inmuture
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