HELP! Abuse or Something Else?-WWYD? Long My autistic child used to pretty much love school. He loved the bus, loved to hear me repeat a social story every night saying the names of his teachers and different school activities, and was overall pretty well adjusted as far as school was concerned. Last November, he developed a staph infection (cellulitis). I kept him home for over two weeks until there was no appearance of cellulitis on his legs. The next month, he developed a rash towards the bottom of his legs that I would put ointment on. My child would scratch at these and they were taking a very long time to heal. I took him to both a hospital and a Dr.'s office the next week, and though his rash marks were still visible, I was told that he was NOT contagious and each time the doctor told us to return him to the school environment. This was enough for my husband. I would have preferred to keep him at home, but we were also getting calls from the Vice Principal about his attendance and possibly having to appear before an attendance board. We sent him to school with detailed notes and each of the Dr.'s notes releasing him for school. I look back on this now as the worst decision I ever let my husband make for our family. His para-aide immediately called and asked so many questions about his legs that I felt she was trying to let me know as much as possible that she did not want him there at the school. The para decided to bring him to the nurse's office every day or call the nurse (and a substitute nurse) into the classroom and STRIP him down and examine him and the ONLY reason I know this is because the nurse let it slip out in one of our many phone conversations. The nurse called and sounded very nervous and told me that she knew that he was fine and not contagious and communicated this clearly to his para and teachers but that things at school were getting extremely tense (how am I supposed to read into this?). She then told me that SHE (she emphasized I) was trying to advocate for Nathan's best interest and whispered that maybe I should send him to a dermatologist to try to get his rash marks cleared up more quickly (cellulitis rash takes years and may never completely fade away). This is the background. Ever since then, my child has been increasingly withdrawn at home. He gets of the bus and when we get inside he hits me repeatedly and almost gives me a look as though I have betrayed him. When I give him social stories about school, he gets very angry and starts hitting me. He doesn't repeat the words to me like he used to. In the mornings, when we wake him up for school, he screams and cries the entire time we are getting him ready. He tries to pull his clothes off before the bus comes. He sits on the couch and we have to physically struggle with him to get off of it to go on the bus. When the bus used to come, he was always pulling us to the door or wanting to wait outside. He was always extremely happy and riding the bus was his FAVORITE thing. Now he avoids all of it and cries. We have worked for his entire life to instill a sense of humor in him and amazingly managed to produce a profoundly autistic boy with a WONDERFUL sense of humor! You could hear his laughter down the street. Now he is angry and withdrawn.   A couple of weeks ago i was giving him a bath and he reached out and pinched my arm very hard and TWISTED. I screamed out and told him that he hurt momma, and he said, "Pinch". This is from a boy who speaks about ten words. We have NEVER pinched him or used that word in our lives, and the only other place he goes is to school. He has never pinched before this time, and now he does it daily. He also hits. I have been sending emails to the teacher about my concerns that he is showing increasingly distressing behavior and that I feel it is school related. At first I was more polite about it, then less polite, then today went so far as to ask directly if she remains in the classroom for most every day or if she does something else which causes her to leave the classroom, and if so who is in the room with my child? I told her point blank that I do not want to accuse anyone of anything, but I think something is going on at the school to cause these behaviors. She took a long time to respond to my email, and now has suggested a meeting for next week between myself and the principal and two paraprofessionals without responding to my questions in the email. I accepted. The last two times I have had to come get him from school, his teacher is not there for the day. I know she is pursuing a Master's degree full time as well as teaching school and suspect that the school may be allowing her to leave the classroom on certain days to attend college (I'm surprised if this is the case. That seems like something she should do on her own time). I know his para had all kinds of problems with him being there last year and was ugly about it not to us, but apparently very ugly behind the scenes. Every mommy alarm that I have is going off wildly, and my intuition is telling me that something is VERY wrong. He has never had any of these reactions. In my mind, they all point to something bad going on up at the school which is traumatizing him. Did I mention he regressed in ALL of his skills, including losing all potty training skills? The loss of skills coincide with the time frame of everything else.   ANY words of support, advice or ideas are greatly appreciated!!! Even being forced to strip down daily is enough I think!  That's terrible.  Definately address it, go there and observe as often as a you can, if you  can. Observation is hard for me, as my son is extremely attached to me and won't behave when I'm there.  But luckily I have a very open teacher, who may not be the best with autism, but she had a heart for my son, and that I appreciate.  Get that nurse on your side too, she sounds on the level. Is it possible for you to go to school with your child? I think if I were in your situation, I would either pull my kid out until the situation was resolved, or start attending daily. When my son was younger and non-verbal, I went to the school frequently unannounced to see how things were going. Sometimes I looked in the partially opened classroom doors without being observed by the teachers. If they don’t want you observing, something is probably very wrong. From what you have said, it sounds like some of the adults know something isn’t right, but aren’t willing/able to change it. As the previous poster stated, get that nurse involved in helping you. It sounds like she has tried, but did not get the support she needed.   The whole pinching thing sounds to me like he is getting pinched (regularly), and it may even be from another student. I was recently told by a parent that her dd was pinched by an older child on the school bus. Whoever is doing it, you need to find out what is going on and get it stopped.   And, if the questions is, are you overreacting, I say unequivocally NO!   Now some advice, don’t blame yourself and don’t blame your husband. You both made the decision you thought was best at the time. Try to move forward and do what is best for your son. If he finds out that your son is being mistreated, he will likely feel horrible, and he will just feel worse if you shame or guilt him about it. Try to find a way to connect with him and move forward. Work out a path where you can work together to keep this from happening in the future, try not to beat each other (or yourself) up for the past. Here in north Texas, entry to the schools is a crazy thing. There are two sets of doors, and you must check in with your drivers license and the secretary lets you into the next set of doors. Aside from a few days allowed eating with your child every year (they discourage too much of that), you have to be either an approved volunteer or have an appt. for a meeting. Rarely do they let parents past the double doors, usually having meetings or bringing the child to you instead of letting you go to the classroom. The autism classroom door has a narrow vertical window running along one side of the door on the top half, and half of that is obscured by stickers. I think that they will arrange for a parent to observe a class for a day if a written request is provided and approved, but I can't think that I would be witnessing an accurate representation of what actually goes on there on a  normal day (when I am not there watching). I hope and pray that they are not treating your son badly at school, but it doesnt sound like that is the case.  If your mommy alarms are going off then it is good for you to follow your instinct.  Too often you hear of students being mistreated by the teachers and it really makes my blood boil.  I know that some teachers are overstressed and over worked but that is no excuse to mistreat our kids!  They chose this profession, unfortunately we are not always able to choose who works with our kids. I would be tempted to keep him out of school until you have your meeting. Please keep us updated. I know that some schools are that way (lock down). Can you get appropriate clearances and permissions to actually be in the school? I agree that one day is not enough, they will be on their best behavior. Can you request/insist on some kind of video monitoring? I don’t know the rules on this, but I have heard some facilities have such things. Do you know the parents of other kids in the class? Does this para only have a problem with you child, or have you heard rumors of the para having problems with others too? Are there other school options for your child?   The whole thing does not sound right to me. Somehow you need to find out what is going on and/or get your kid out of there. First of all, if your instincts are screaming that something is wrong and your child's behavior has changed in such a dramatic fashion, trust it.  There is something going on your child can't explain to you, but he's trying every way he can to tell you.  Behavior is communication. Second, get your ducks in a row.  Get all your documentation on emailing the teacher with questions regarding the problems together chronologically, along with any responses - and document any LACK of responses.  Pull together any notes you made from your conversation with the school nurse, any emails you have on it from her, and the doctors' notes indicating that your son was cleared to return to school as well as the diagnoses of what caused the rashes, etc. Put together a chronology of the changes in his behavior, beginning with when he began to become withdrawn, not wanting to go to school, and when he started pinching.  Take a look at those dates as compared to his medical records and the documentation from school about the rashes, etc.  You'll start to get a clearer picture of why your son's behavior changed. You need to request, in writing, a complete copy of your son's school file.  Given their behavior and the consistent stripping him down, you should find documentation there regarding those actions.  If he was taken to the nurse daily, there should be an incident report from the nurse daily.  If you don't, you need to know why.  You may find something in there they don't want you to know regarding their consistent over-reaction to the rashes.  Much less, the LACK of documentation if taken to the nurse daily will speak volumes.  Our schools are on lock down too.  But they have to let you observe.
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