Really Trying to not get madMy DS is 5 years old, but is large and tall enough to be considered about 8 or 9 if you looked at him. He has a new teacher this year. Everyone raves about how good she is, which I don't doubt because my DS has learned a lot. At his parent teacher conference a few weeks ago she said that she knows my DS can do the work, but he's just lazy. Okay let's stop here. He's had issues with his behavior and is taking medication. She just told me last week that he went from being the worst behaved to being the best behaved child in the class. Everyone has their days. I just got this letter today. I am going to type it exactly as it reads. Dear Mrs. (myself), J***** has been exhibiting unusual behavior the past two or three days. He's been especially wild, noisy, loud, and silly. We we wondering if he hadn't had his meds or if they were losing their effect. He certainly hasn't returned to that really awful behavior, but this is unusual. Thanks, Mrs. H*** Ummm, can you say rude. If my child didn't have ASD I wouldn't even call any child wild, noisy, loud, and silly. How would she feel if someone said those things about her child. And besides he DOES have ASD. This is not the first time this incident has happened with her choice of words. If I worked at a prison with prisoners then I would expect certain things to happen. (used to work at one) So if you teach children with different special needs then you should be prepared for some characteristics of those special needs. I am so hot right now.  Last year I never had this problem with his teacher. By the way he is taking his meds, which I have to make adjustments to depending on certain factors. Enough already.  [QUOTE=nunna3rd]Can I get a little understanding please? Tell me if I am over reacting because I can take constructive criticism. My DS is 5 years old, but is large and tall enough to be considered about 8 or 9 if you looked at him. He has a new teacher this year. Everyone raves about how good she is, which I don't doubt because my DS has learned a lot. At his parent teacher conference a few weeks ago she said that she knows my DS can do the work, but he's just lazy. Okay let's stop here. He's had issues with his behavior and is taking medication. She just told me last week that he went from being the worst behaved to being the best behaved child in the class. Everyone has their days. I just got this letter today. I am going to type it exactly as it reads. Dear Mrs. (myself), ugggggggggggggg i hate teacher who dont get it .i bet he not the only child to have those days but becuse he has autism the teacher watching him under a micrcope .it annoys me that there 2 sets of rules one of us an one for nts .you need to tell her that he a child first an not every singel thing he dose is becuse he has autism sometime it just being a kid an dose she use those wiords to talk about other kids in the class who may act out .being silly not a crime .oh man dont get me statrd .i have autism an these things make me crazy .they want the kids on druigs so they dont have to do there job .i saty something to her she being rude J***** has been exhibiting unusual behavior the past two or three days. He's been especially wild, noisy, loud, and silly. We we wondering if he hadn't had his meds or if they were losing their effect. He certainly hasn't returned to that really awful behavior, but this is unusual. Thanks, Mrs. H*** Ummm, can you say rude. If my child didn't have ASD I wouldn't even call any child wild, noisy, loud, and silly. How would she feel if someone said those things about her child. And besides he DOES have ASD. This is not the first time this incident has happened with her choice of words. If I worked at a prison with prisoners then I would expect certain things to happen. (used to work at one) So if you teach children with different special needs then you should be prepared for some characteristics of those special needs. I am so hot right now. Last year I never had this problem with his teacher. By the way he is taking his meds, which I have to make adjustments to depending on certain factors. Enough already. [/QUOTE] I was thinking the same thing. It just hurt me so bad. I have two DS's with ASD. I love them both so much. Just to think of any of them being described this way from someone who you think would at least understand hurts so bad. I would write her I am so confused letter asking her to describe the behaviour what the antecedents were to the behaviour etc and I certainly would not answer if he is on meds or not. That is none of her business. I can also see why you would be hurt, but please think long about how you respond- at least your teacher is communicating the issues with you. We have a very hard time getting information from my son's teachers and I dont think they will share anything negative because they are afraid it will raised at an IEP meeting as a way to get more services. So, while his teacher maybe blunt (and rude) at least you have a good picture of how his day wentI think the teacher would have been more helpful had she said what her son was doing rather than call him lazy and his behavior horrible. I have no problems with a teacher telling me that my son was bouncing around in his seat or being distracting. If I know the problem, we can work on it. But an adult should not call a child names and her tone would make me defensive which isn't helpful when there is an issue that needs to be solved. I agree the information needs to be concrete and focus on the actions like bouncing in his seat,poking classmates with a pencil etc. Words like lazy and horrible are value judgments, not helpful and serve no purpose. I am a teacher and I would say that teacher needs to back up her statements rather than just using a lot of adjectives. I don't like the lazy comment at all. As for "wild", that translates to the teacher saying she can't control him. I would write back: Dear Ms._________ Thank you for your email. Would you please give me examples of how my child's behavior is "wild, noisy...?" This is information that I will share with his physician so he/she can determine the best medical treatment plan and classroom accommodations to request at the CSE. That way, you have made her accountable for providing you with specific information without calling her out in a confrontational manner. It also lets her know that other professionals will be seeing her emails or at least hearing about her comments, so she might make her correspondence more informative, objective and anecdotal.Yes, it's VERY rude..... But.... J has 2 similar teachers....they will send me emails using very creative adjectives that I might find offensive. However, at the end of the day, I find their comments very helpful when I call J's DP to address his behavioral issues. It's much easier for us to address his actual issues when his teachers aren't trying to be subtle and kind about his actions. Yes, it's jerky, but focusing on their unsubtle comments really help us to decide on his behavioral plan. HUGS...no one wants top hear their child called "problematic, hyperactive, and a barrier to the other students' learning" (yes, that was MY email).....but at the end of the day, it helps me and my child. Still jerky, but try to look at the silver lining...no matter how thin it is.... Maybe I'm just odd, but I don't think the teacher is being rude, but rather just telling you she's seeing your ds behave in a way she hasn't seen before. My ds has days like that...and I have no problem warning the teacher that he's in a silly, wild mood. It's his most difficult mood...he is very difficult on those days, and everyone is well aware of it. He is unable to connect with any one, does not follow directions, loses eye contact (which is normally really good)...and can destroy everything in sight...all while being very silly and happy. Maybe she was wondering if you were also seeing the unusual behavior at home, and could maybe offer some insight. It sounds like the teacher was just trying to figure out your ds, and I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Good luck. Wow, rudeness. I would write to her and at the end ask that in the future she describe the behavior and not use such rude descriptive terms to describe your son. I have mixed feelings on it. I work with kids with special needs - albeit very young ones in ECSE - but we use terms like silly all the time. Maybe it's more apropros for the really young ones, but the child in question here is only 5. We use noisy, loud and wild too. And trust me, our kids are some of the most-loved kids in the whole school and I don't feel we are disrespectful to the parents at all. Our teacher acts goofy all the time and the kids will tell him that HE is silly too! However, the tone of the e-mail was a little off in my opinion. The whole "returning to that really awful behavior" was what did it for me, I guess. She could definitely have worded that differently! But also, I agree that parents need to know exactly how their child is behaving. One thing I was always taught was to counter every negative with at least 2-3 positive things to say. I think that is why the e-mail seems off to me. It is all negative in its tone. Now, sometimes it is VERY difficult to think of the positive if a child has had a particularly rough day - but so far, we've always been able to do it. I guess it is all in how you interpret it and how it is communicated. When our teacher says so and so was being silly - he says it in a goofy, teasing voice. And I think the parents take that just fine in the way he says it. Calling your child lazy though - that's going a little far. A teacher can word that a different way - for instance, J can do the work - but seems to need more motivation to do it. Some people aren't good about finessing with words - I'm not perfect, but have learned a few things over the years! I don't want to sugar-coat either - so I have to be careful. If we have a parent who is just hearing the positive and choosing not to hear the negative (I am NOT saying that you are doing this in any way, shape or form!) - we have to be more blunt. Good luck with this - sorry if I've muddied the waters here and made the issue more confusing but I wanted to provide an alternate point of view... I didn't think her adjectives were rude, but that being said, her saying your son is lazy shows she is indeed clueless. Kids aren't usually lazy in school, the issue might appear on the outside to be laziness but it probably isn't! She should know better.
I think that her choice of language wasn't the best, but I would imagine that she was just trying to help you by letting you know what is going on. As a teacher, I think it's helpful to chart when behaviors are better and worse so that parents can compare that with things that are going on at home such as medication or dietary changes or streesful events at home. Sorry you were offended...I can see how it would be hurtful to have your child described that way. Nicole I agree with Smith 100% and I don't find the teacher's note rude...perhaps the one mistake was to use the word wild but it is not a big deal...I think she is just looking for a way to support your child and yes sometimes the medications are not as effective as when they were first started. I would just leave this be and not comment to the teacher about it statements rather than just using a lot of adjectives. I don't like the lazy comment at all. As for "wild", that translates to the teacher saying she can't control him. I would write back: Dear Ms._________ Thank you for your email. Would you please give me examples of how my child's behavior is "wild, noisy...?" This is information that I will share with his physician so he/she can determine the best medical treatment plan and classroom accommodations to request at the CSE. That way, you have made her accountable for providing you with specific information without calling her out in a confrontational manner. It also lets her know that other professionals will be seeing her emails or at least hearing about her comments, so she might make her correspondence more informative, objective and anecdotal.[/QUOTE] I am so glad that you said that. That's exactly what I did the same day I got the letter. First I had to calm down. I was mad, but mostly hurt at the tone of her words. The reason I said the tone of her words is that she has used strong words like this in about 4 other conversations. Yesterday I stopped by her class to observe him. First I stood outside of the window for a while without him knowing that I was there. I think she now knows that her tone in the letter was in appropriate. She replied back. This was here response. Hi, I am trying to think of how to better describe his behavior. He laughs continually at nothing, runs aimlessly around the room, hums and sings loudly, stops and yells "No" when he is asked to do something, is again repeating things that he has heard others say, (nothing bad like before) and is starting to act sort of like he did when we had all of the problems before. However, he is not cursing and will stay in time out to calm down which he would not do before. The thing that is so strange about this is that he was fine one day and started all of this behavior the next day. He is not really disrupting the class, but is disrupting his own instruction. I don't expect perfect behavior from anyone one believe me. I've had a number of far worse children over the years, but I know he can do better. One thing that is very strange is that we've noticed that when his behavior gets worse his talking gets better. Don't worry about this. I thought maybe it was lack of medication since it was so sudden. He and I do well together now and I can get him stopped, but I wish we had the "old" well behaving J***** back. Thanks, Teacher's name Okay I typed it word for word. Repeating things, (echolalia). Not sure I spelled that right. He does do that from time to time. Laughing at nothing, he does do that at times. Heck I do that at times also. Sometimes I think of something funny that I remember and have to chuckles. My son loves to dance and loves music. At times out of nowhere he just starts to hum one of the songs from a kids show that he remembers. It doesn't bother me and I think it's a good thing. I understand that at times this can disrupt his instruction period, but it will happen at times. I've found that each child on the spectrum is quite different in their own way. DS1 is very different from DS2, however they have just a few similarities in behavior. This is not the first time I've visited her classroom. It's just something that I do with all of my children. Since school started in August this is my 4th visit. I know many people have said that the words she used in her previously letter did not seem rude. To each their own I say. As a parent of a child with a disability you go through different trials a long with them. I have always been a person to choose my words wisely to not make others feel uncomfortable. Thanks for all of the support and the feedback from EVERYONE!  I value this forum, because it's a place for support and sometimes venting.  |
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