How can I help myself deal?I love that micki - and I do the same thing. At the end of the day, I just love him. Period. I'd love him if he were NT. I'd love him if he was worse, better, up, down, here or there (I feel like reciting Green Eggs and Ham now - LOL). At first when my son was diagnosed -and before that because both he and I know that something was 'wrong'- I would walk around dazed.I swear there were times when I was at the grocery store and the worker at the bread-counter would ask me if I needed something and all I could do was stare at her and say "Autism". So don't beat yourself up. It is hard to wrap your mind around the fact your kid is on a different path than you had thought. I agree with NYMommy3 -get a diagnosis and figure outwhat your son needs today. It will give you direction and over time it will give you acceptance. I had to learn not to think about the future. It does not help neithet him nor you and there is no way to tell. Three years ago I could have never predicted where my son is now and I have no way to predict where he will be at 18 -all I can do is focus on today and the next few month. The other thing I learned is how much I am like my son in many ways. Though I don't think I'd qualify for a diagnosis I also have a hard time with not knowing what comes next and I am a pretty concret thinker. You might share some traits with your child as well. I found that it has really helped for my son and me to form a close bond -we understand each other. My last advice comes from my neighbour . After I had an especially hard day, I sat at her table sobbing and saying 'what am I going to do? And she said 'Just love him. And on bad days I come back to that . If you have a bad day try to shake it out of your headf and focus on your heart. Just be with your son. Hold him or read to him and just focus on the love you feel for him. It will get better. And you will be your son's greatest advocate. First off, you need to get your guy properly diagnosed and into the right therapies that will help. If he is "just a little different" - with some intense treatment now, he may have all the challenges of any other NT kid. I absolutely recommend a support group. I facilitate 3 in surrounding counties here in NY. You could call your local mental health clinic, or the special education director and find out who to call to tell you where the groups are. Medication can be a great help too. There is no shame in getting your own counseling and getting some medication help. Initially after my son was diagnosed, I was very sad and was crying every night. I went to my doctor and got some help. After a few months I found I didn't need it anymore as I had accepted what was and just dealt with it from that point on. As far as his future, I think every parent worries about their kids future. Heck, I worry more about my bratty 14 year old right now then I worry about my little guy.
I can say what I did, but what works for you might be different. Some grieve for the child that might have been and go through "Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance". I once read an essay "Don't mourn for us" and decided that it is OK for a time, but it was time to get to know my sons (both on the spectrum). We have had some trouble with the district and so I have kept busy nights reading about advocacy and law as well as treatment methods. That kept me busy for a while, but there is only so much that you can read before stuff starts coming out of your ears. So my conclusion is that while it is good to be informed you also need to stay a whole person. This is a long haul and going nuts before it is done does not do anyone any good. So I would look for a hobby you like that is consistent with the new realities of how much time you have. Support groups are good. Look for outings with families from the support groups. The is nothing like being able to share watching children with folks who understand. I liked a support group for learning about IEP meetings. And there is nothing like learning enough to be able to help out. If you want to do something good for everyone, take your child out and play with him for a while doing something he likes. I don't think that there is enough of that these days. Oh yes, do look into getting a diagnosis. Not that the words will change who your child is. But they will allow you to seek out the proper therapies should any be needed. I'm hoping someone might be able to point me in a good direction. My son and I are 2 years into thinking something might be different about him. We have received all sorts of (sometimes conflicting) information. My issue is me. I can't seem to deal with this situation. He is high functioning, whatever his case may be, but that almost makes it worse for me (I hope that doesn't sound wrong to the parents of more severe children - I am very lucky that I can do so much with my son) I guess what I mean is that it makes things hard for me to accept and start moving forward. Sometime he seems "just a little different - to his own drum" other days, his challenges are much more pronounced and I find myself unable to function because I'm so paralyzed about his future - so it's constantly up and down, and I never really know what the truth is. I know many of us are going through something like this. Anyway, this has been affecting me, but after 2 years of intense ups and downs, I'm wearing down emotionally, etc. - my wife is very concerned about me, I'm usually just barely holding it together emotionally (I find myself sneaking off during work to go cry in the bathroom, and I had always been a stoic guy beforehand), I beat myself up about why he is like this, what I haven't done for him, so on and so; I think about my son and what therapies/things I can/should do for him CONSTANTLY (and I mean ALL DAY LONG). I live with a mix of guilt/desperation/gloom which is only makes me feel worse because I hate that my beautiful son, who taught me what love means, is wrapped up in all this negativity, in some way, that I have created. I know being this way is no good for anyone - my son, my wife, me... Do any of you guys recommend counseling, support groups, medication? I think I need some help but don't really know how to start. Thank you for anything you can suggest. Best advice anyone can give to a parent of a special needs child - Just love them, unconditionally. These kids are truly under God's gracious wing. Trust in the Lord, he will give you amazing strength and patience to walk this unknown road step by step. And there is nothing wrong with getting medical help and intervention - He created that too!!!Furrowed, I think most of us can relate to your experience. I went through three months of horrible anxiety before diagnosis, and have regular, though thankfully not frequent, anxiety and crying episodes related to my son's PDD-NOS diagnosis and extremely slow progress despite intensive therapy. At these moments, every choice we made or are making seems wrong. However, I know that we are doing all we can for our boy and give him the unconditional love which other posters mentioned. That really was the key for us, to judge him on his own terms, not in comparison to other kids, and to celebrate every little accomplishment and every little step in the right direction. There's not a lot, but every evening after he goes to sleep we talk to each other, finding good things little M. did that day. Some days there is nothing, at which times we fall back to "He's so cute" or "He's such a good boy" or if things went really badly that day, even "He's such a good boy overall" works. Those minutes we take at the end of each day have done wonders for our acceptance of little M.'s disability - and for our marriage, too. A couple of years before my son was born, I went through a horrible six months where I lost three loved ones one after another. To say I was depressed is to say nothing. A very wise friend suggested I practice gratitude. Every night, I was supposed to say "I am thankful for...". I went home that day, thinking that the stupidest most contrived idea ever, but I was willing to give it a try. I found out that even though I was still reeling from my loved ones' deaths, I was thankful for their presence in my life. I still am. Practicing gratitude is important, especially when you are this depressed. Take a moment to be thankful for your wife and child. A family is a greatest treasure a person can have. I hope you find the strength and grace to carry you through these difficult times. Hugs, Rose There are a lot of people who read your post who understand. Not sure I can offer much advice, I am in the same boat for three hours out of every six. Sometimes, though, he will smile and laugh and everything will seem OK. My hope is for you to have more of those days, and fewer of the bad ones. I try to take comfort in the knowledge that everything has a meaning. I don't know if everything has a purpose, because that depends on your religion, but everything has a meaning no matter what. Since you are breaking down at work I think you should talk to your Doctor about what is going on. Medication can help tremendously with anxiety, depression, worry. Make appt. and go, even if you are feeling a little better on that day. Counseling is also a good option that your Doctor will probably talk to you about. Both might be in order to get you and your family through this. Also a good therapist might have some resources for getting your child some more help. Remember you are only human, you need to forgive yourself for not being able to fix something that you have no control over. Get rid of the guilt, its worthless.( REALLY) It will only get in your way of helping yourself and family. You are not to blame!! Life is something that happens when were not looking. It will get better but, you will have to stop blaming yourself for things that you cannot change or fix. For now only think about today and what you need to do to get through today. (try not to worry about the future right now, you can do that when your feeling better) I am sorry if this sound very blunt, your post hits very close to home. I just wanted to thank everyone for their input. I found something to help me in all of your replies. I do have a lot of 'gratitude' that I have been able to find this board and all the helps its afforded me. :) thanks again, everyone. One thing that had brough my wife and I great comfort, is that every person treating him so far have commented how happy our child is. They are of course bound to be nice, but one went as far as to say it's because we're good parents and so attentive and observant, that our child is happy as he is despite communication problems.
Sounds as though you are in a similar situation, with your son actually doing quite well.
I have the attitude, that as far as I'm concerned, my son is going to Harvard until he gets a rejection letter from them! I'm not naive of the challenges ahead, but neither am I tearing myself up and stressing out about the future.
My son is happy, healthy (physically and most of the way mentally!) and we've done everything that's in our power to help him with what challenges he has.
What more can we do? And more importantly, what more can our son expect of us?
It sounds as though you've done everything you can do at this point also. Easier said than done, but give yourself a break  I think you should look at counselling, meds or whatever you think you need. I've found insight and some alternative perspective s from the www.disabilityisnatural.com site. Another good one is the Etiology of Childhood :a humorous parody of pathology Two Days We Should Not Worry There are two days in every week, about which we should not worry, One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares, Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed; The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow Tomorrow's sun will rise, This leaves only one day, Today. It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, Let us, therefore, I would say this is clinical depresssion and it is not going to be cured by changing your point of view. That is for if you are having a bad day. This sounds like more than a bad day. Go to your doctor and get some meds to help you get stable. You may not need them for very long. But definitely do some therapy too. Don't delay. You shouldn't have to suffer even one more day than neccessary. |
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and the lens we and others can often view our kids. And this poem has helped me too...