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Never mind venting, I just need to b*tchokay..... I'm going to be small, petty, whiny, b*tchy...I know, I know.....I just need to get it out and this seemed like the best place. My sister is moving to another state ( has professional movers packing her house & belongings) & my BIL has to work long hours so she is home alone with 3 kids under the age of 6.....yes....she is busy....yes it is a lot.....BUT it is FOR ONE WEEK !!! If I have to hear my mom say one more time how hard it is for her " she wakes up and he is at work already, she feeds the kids dinner alone, puts them to bed all by herself...baths and all !!"....I might SCREAM....I've been doing this ALONE for SIX YEARS..... SIX YEARS !! and 2 kids with special needs/daily medical needs !! I feel like being in those V-8 commericals where they get thunked on the head..... No one knows how hard it is daily.......I'm just speechless on how to respond to my mom....I think I'm just not the right audience....anyone else would probably respond with an appropriate pep talk.....me....I'm gonna thunk her like the V-8 commerical !! thanks for letting me have MY meltdown !! I listened! KWYM -- people always distort their own hardships don't they? Your situation is SO NOT FAIR. You need to tell your mother so, too. Before it eats you alive. U have every right to B^%&^&* - yes and your sisters' problems are hardly problems in the face of yours - heck, infact, no one with so called 'normal' lives should complain.. EVER.. Now the truth.......the fact is that everyone's problems however miniscule they may sound (compared to some others) are GRAVE to them.. and yes u r perhaps not the right audience for this but sometimes maybe this level of 'noemalcy' IS what we need...otherwise we would e starpped by these soul crushing days everytime we see normal kids with normal lives! I tell you I didn't think so till one day a friend (and bless her heart) said to me "i know ur dd has austim but right now, the fact that I can't get into my size 4 dress is a bigger issue".... She had me laugh with tears in my eyes!!!! :O) And that's the best part of it... Ofcourse she knows that her problem is hardly anything compared to mine bey hey - we acan all complain! Having said that - U still deserve MORE understanding.. moving is not such a big deal :) We are with you :) Make sure she is not telling your sister the same stuff about you to her. This has happened in my family, my wonderful parents tell siblings how hard the other ones have it ,and then we (the siblings think they only feel sorry for the other ones.) KWIM You might want to talk to your sister about it? That is what I did, and now we joke about what my parents say to us. We are sure our parents have no clue how they come off when talking to us. But if you are sure about what is going on and talk to your mom, tell her how it makes you feel, she might not realize what she is doing. This kinda stuff can drive a person nuts and sometimes animosity between siblings. Good Luck however you decide to handle it or not. thank you guys for letting me get it out....I feel better..... and I do know moving is one of the most stressful things a person can go through....and I would always offer to help watch kids, etc..... To me it was just my mom repeating in awe over and over how she is alone with the kids when they wake up, alone all day and alone at night.....that "got" me.....and no.....I would say nothing to my sis.....SHE isn't the one complaining !! I just feel better doing this little shout here...thanks for letting me. And Loki....yes you are correct....I said to my BIL...."so I hear your boss is being a jerk and really taking advantage of your last days"....and he had no idea what I meant....so I said "I heard you have to work 8 am to 8 PM" and he said that was just once or twice...... I'm glad that you are feeling better....I'm a single mom too. Nobody in my family doesw that, probably because I only have one sibling who doesn't have any children. I did used to have an aquaintance that would complain to me about how hard it was for her that her husband worked a partime job on the weekends. She stopped after I pointed out to her that I'm alone with Q all day on the weekends when he is home and that her hub is home with them most of the day. This sort of thing occurs in most families, mine included. My sister had 3 healthy children, now all grown. She definitely was left alone a lot due to my BIL's work and graduate school responsibilities. I used to live 5 hours away from my family and my sister's house and would come home to visit every couple of months. After driving up 5 hours on a Fri. nite after a long week of work (I was single at the time), my mother had me drive with her another 45 minutes up to my sister's house and told me I had to clean the house for my sister because she had had a hard week with 3 kids. Of course, working a full-time job and going to graduate school at night and driving 5 hours was nothing, right? Fastforward 10 years. I marry and have an ASD son. My mother and father were old and frail and now lived with my sister. She got every dime of income they had and also inherited their entire estate when they died. I did not complain because she had been able to take them in. However, before my mother died we learned of my son's disability and she knew. I thought that, for once, I'd get some sympathy and understanding. Do you know what she said? "It's OK, TZoya, you always handle everything fine and come out on top." I will NEVER forget that sentence. Of course, I was broken-hearted and stunned. But this sort of thing goes back to Biblical times. Ever read the parable of the Prodigal Son? Parents help the child whom they perceive NEEDS the most help and sometimes entirely ignore the child who appears the most competent. We probably do the same, ourselves, with our kids. I know it doesn't make the competent child feel all that loved -- I felt actually punished for my competence -- but I guess it's natural for parents to want to help the one they see as NEEDING the most help, even if that perception is not at all based in reality. What I have realized is that everyone has a threshold for stress - and once you have reached it, it doesn't matter how little/much you have - you are at the breaking point. Lots of you on the board have an extremely high threshold and you amaze me. I have a lot going on and feel stressed - but it seems like nothing when I come on here. I am glad though to be able to go to "Hang out with friends" and vent - even if it seems miniscule. And allisa, this is NOT miniscule. I would definitely talk with your mom and tell her how it makes you feel when she does things like this. Perhaps she is trying to give you some perspective - but I think you already have it and don't need her to tell you how hard other people have it. You already know how hard you have it and she is devaluing how you feel by telling you how hard others have it. Hugs to you - and hang in there! [QUOTE=tzoya] I thought that, for once, I'd get some sympathy and understanding. Do you know what she said? "It's OK, TZoya, you always handle everything fine and come out on top." I will NEVER forget that sentence. Of course, I was broken-hearted and stunned. But this sort of thing goes back to Biblical times. Ever read the parable of the Prodigal Son? Parents help the child whom they perceive NEEDS the most help and sometimes entirely ignore the child who appears the most competent. We probably do the same, ourselves, with our kids. I know it doesn't make the competent child feel all that loved -- I felt actually punished for my competence -- but I guess it's natural for parents to want to help the one they see as NEEDING the most help, even if that perception is not at all based in reality. [/QUOTE] Wow, Tzoya. It so helped me to read this. This is EXACTLY what I go through with my parents and my oh-so-needy sister who at the age of 35 has to be supported through everything. My house and family is falling apart, I'm sick for a year and a half now, filing for disability, can't take care of my two kids with disabilities, we're financially almost in ruins but my parents attitude is that I have always taken care of myself and my kids and my poor, poor sister has "problems" and they must look after her kids! Because I've managed to turn my childrens disabilities almost completely around, then I must be capable of anything- including curing myself, healing my husbands heart disease, finding enough money to remediate the mold out of my home and fix my leaky roof AND support my mother who is living with me for free while she's throwing all her savings at my sister who can't pay her bills or feed her kids because she can't break her Starbucks and prescription pain pill addiction! Everybody is so focused on taking care of my sisters kids (who are completely normal!!)- well, what about mine? Who have legitimate problems? HELLO!!! It sure is painful being the Prodigal Daughter!
Allisa, I'm glad you came here to vent. We all need to cry and scream it out sometimes...from personal experience though (if you read my above post you'll see I'm going through pretty much the same thing right now... my poor, poor sister lol) I recommend you NOT hash it out with your mom. I've been trying to do that, and talk about a really fast way to ruin a relationship. She simply can't see past the fact that I am capable and my sister is not. Period. And she doesn't understand anything else. Things are going downhill fast and now that I've opened this can of worms, she won't let me close it back up. I hope your sisters week is up soon and things go back to normal for you between you and your mom. In the meantime, go get yourself a box of Godiva and your alcoholic poison of choice and have a little happy hour after your kids are in bed! This is the exact reason that my immediate family is it for right now. My mom actually went off on my 12 year old daughter about how she "doesn't owe anyone any explanations about what she does". When dd asked her how come she always was busy with my niece when she called her for something.It really is too bad that we all can't have someone take our shoes for the day. Some people really have no clue how the world works. |
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HUGS to you.....