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Explaining that a Grandparent DiedAfter over two months of hospitalization (out of state), my dad passed away today. We have not yet told the boys, particularly since the day after tomorrow is our youngest son's 6th birthday party. Funeral arrangements haven't been made yet, and I do not want to miss my son's party - will probably fly up that night. On Monday and Tuesday, however, both boys are in Mardi Gras Balls at school. They have to dress up very, very fancy, and Cole was chosen as his second grade class' "Duke" - that means as royalty, he goes up on stage with a crown and everyone bows to him. I may just entirely skip the funeral, as I don't know how it would make Cole feel to have me miss his first ever election as Duke. It is EXTREMELY rare for a special needs to child to be chosen, and it may never happen again. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for over two months and am NOT thinking clearly. Any thoughts for what I should do? I DID go fly there to see my dad and family last month, while he was still conscious, so if I chose to skip it, well....maybe they would forgive me. Ugh. wow that hard i dont know what i doSorry to hear about your dad. I remember you saying that he was sick and you went out of town to see him a few weeks ago. Is there any way that the funeral could be delayed until after the Mardi Gras ceremony? I think that it's just as important that you attend Cole's Mardi Gras ceremony as it is that you attend the funeral. You can't be in two places at once, and can't change the Mardi Gras ceremony, but the funeral could be changed so that you can attend. I don't know how understanding the rest of your family is, but hopefully they would help so that you can attend both. Oh LeAnne, I'm sorry. Hugs So sorry for your loss! I agree with Lynny that it would be better if they could delay the funeral for a day, if they are understanding. What a terrible situation for you. Again, I'm sorry. Hugs to you.I am so sorry for your loss ,and the terrible decision you need to make,do you think your family will Understand?,If so ,I would send Flowers,and stay home. Im sure your Dad would have wanted you to be with your son,try not to worry about what every one else thinks.I think Its better to Remember your dad as you last seen him. God bless Linda Leanne,I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I won't even presume to give any advice - but I hope that your family will be understanding of your difficult decision... Funerals are to serve the living, and respect the dead. That is always the case and in this case you count as one family member. You could try and convince the other members of your family to delay the funeral to allow your prior commitments, or you could stay home. And given what you have said about the family relationship over time, coupled with the fact that you were just with your Dad, I am sure that nobody would feel bad, or that you were being disrespectful to your Dad by taking care of your children first. On the subject of what to tell your kids, when my father-in-law died 2 years ago, we told T.J. that, "Pap Pap is in Heaven with God and the Angels". This seemed to suffice after he cried for about 30 minutes upon seeing Fred in the casket. But he was all right from that point forward. Good Luck LeAnne, and our sympathies for the loss of your Dad. Oh LeAnne I'm sorry you have to make this decision and I am sorry for your loss. You're asking for opinions so I'm giving. If they can't delay the funeral, I would skip it for Cole's election. The relationship with your father and his family has been strained regardless. LeAnne, I went through this last summer. My mom passed away and I had to tell my kids ... the only funeral service we ended up havign was put on by the nursing home staff, and I planned ot attend but my youngest spiked a fever, my husband had NO sick leave (from falling ill same time as my Mom), so ... I missed it. I was very close to her -- I know you were not so close to your Dad -- I lived (and fought!) w/ her for over 30 years, etc. I think there are times when concern for the living must take precedence over "appearances," or even a sense of closure over a death. Can you plan to do something on your own, like a trip to his gravesite, later on, to give yourself a sense of completion or closure, over his life?
LeAnne - I am so very sorry. I remember your posts about going to see your Dad a while back and I remember you said it was not a close relationship. With that in mind, I think it would be ok if you felt the need to be home with the boys. You have to do what is right for you and your family and not be overly concerned with the extended family's opinions or wants. I was going to suggest exactly what Foxl had suggested. Perhaps you could plan a visit later next week, maybe even take the boys for your own memorial. Or maybe you could go, be with the family and come home Sunday night. Even if you miss the actual funeral, you could be with the family initially. I am so sorry you are faced not only with your father's passing, but the emotional conflict that has come along with it. Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right decision. My condolences and best wishes. LeAnne, Sorry to hear about your dad. Even when relationships are difficult, losing someone is never easy. As a daughter, you should have some say in the timing of the arrangements. I'd try to move them if you can. If not, you need to go with your gut girlfriend. Use what I call the regret test. Picture yourself 20 years from now looking back on this. What would you regret more, missing the funeral or missing Cole's moment in the spotlight? Only you can decide. When my brother died, we told the boys that he was up in heaven with Jesus and that he'd be watching over us. R wanted to know if Uncle Jim would share a room with Jesus. C wanted to know if we could see heaven from the airplane. So be prepared for any manner of questions. Also be on the lookout for reactions that may be disproportionate with the relationship. If a child gets over the top upset over the death of a relative, it's sometimes because the death of someone in the family gets the thought into the child's head along the lines of "and that means mommy and daddy could die too and then who will take care of us." That happend to a friend of mine who couldn't figure out why his daughter was inconsolable over the death of an aunt she only saw infrequently over the years. So if the boys do get really upset, make sure you gently probe to find out what exactly is causing the upsetment because it may not be what you think. I don't recall what your religious views are, but you could simply take the boys into any big cathedral in New Orleans and have them each light a candle and say a prayer for Grandpa as a little mini memorial. The little bit of ceremony might provide some closure. Again, so sorry for your loss and I don't envy you the tough decision. But you'll do the right thing, you always do. :) First off I am really sorry to hear about you dad! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I would try to go to the funeral. A friend of mine had a father passs away and didnt go and she regrets it every day! I would definatly wait until after your sons birthday to tell him but they do need to know. I have no advice or help to offer unless you try to tell him a social story about it. Good luck. Again i am sorry to her about your dad!I'm sorry to hear about your loss. If it was anyone other than a parent or sibling who died, the decision would be easier. If you decide to go to the funeral, have someone videotape the Mardi Gras event for you and make an event of watching it with your boys. I know you've seen this before, but here's the link to my collection of resources for explaining death/dying to kids with autism. http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27023&am p;KW=death
Many thanks to all of you for your incredible compassion and really helpful insights. The way things turned out is that I would have been able to get back and view Cole in his "elected royalty" position, however, because of other family being unwilling to wait an extra day, the service now conflicts with Jack's birthday. If there is one thing that is most important, it is my son's 6th birthday celebration. It is a huge deal to him. So I will be missing the viewing and service. The boys are out of school all week next week for Mardi Gras, so we are going to do a little family memorial here. They do understand about Heaven and God, having two grandparents that are already deceased. Again, I thank each of you and cherish our friendship. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I think a memorial at your place sounds like a good idea. My thoughts and prayers are with you. |
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