what do you doI also have no advice to give. I am the oldest child, i have several siblings some step some half one that is actually my sister with the same 2 parents. While my sister and I are like night and day, I was the "Bad" apple of the bunch and got into alot of trouble including having my oldest 2 daughters before I was 18. I did graduate a year early with Honors and was 9months pregnant when I walked across the stage. My sister is the picture perfect child! We both grew up with crappy lives and our Mother wasnt around until one day when she ripped us from our dad. My dad remarried and my sister and I didnt matter anymore. My sister and I hated each other my grandmother has told me that I would cry and tell her that my dad only loved my sister. Now that we are adults we are close and both of us disapprove of our parents and the way they behave even to this date. I hated being the oldest it seemed like my parent relied on me to be the Maid and babied my younger siblings. I was never a child even when I was a child I was an adult. Now that my sister and I are adults we get along great and have even applogized to each other about the past. My 8yr NT daughter was told by her step mother that ASD ment that they were Mentally retarded. I called her and flipped out. I told her that my children are not retarded and are prob smarter than she is. I made sure to explain that Autism is like being trapped inside your head and not being able to get everything out. That yes they are delayed in areas and tend to have melt downs. My NT daughter was caught choking her younger brother at her dads house. They tried to say she learned it from my ASD daughter who has never choked anyone and prob. wouldnt know how. I feel bad that I put more time into the younger two children and their needs. I do try to make up for it by spending time with each child doing something even if its just playing a game or reading a book. I love all my kids the same and they are all completely different. My oldest has asked why i spend more time with the younger two I explained it to her and she understood. She treats her ASD siblings like her NT sibling. Now that our ASD daughter was DX with ADHD on top she feels more of a connection to her because she is ADHD also. I agree that you should go see your grandchild and bite your tounge when it comes to Justin. If the subject is brought up by your son tell him you are not there to discuss it that you want to enjoy your visit with your grandchild and him. Your house being a mess is a cop-out I am sorry but thats just an excuse. Jealousy is a funny thing and it makes people hostile. I hope that your son recieves a wake up call and makes amends with his brother. Good Luck and enjoy your holiday Thank you all for the support. I will go to his house to see my grand daughter and for sure bite my tongue in regards to Justin. I guess it is a cop out about my house, I was taken aback by that comment, and hurt, but now I can see it is just an excuse. Jealousy is something I did not think about, but I can see where that may come into play.Jared has alot of growing up to do still..the thing is by the time he does it I will be gone. This whole thing brought memories back, as my own mother and siblings do not talk,it has been years, as Justin was one of the causes.I am not blaming him, it just is what it is..I guess I wanted some love and appreciation from my son, and did not get it. But I will hold my head up and put on a smile, I can stay there for only a short time as I do have to cook a Christmas dinner for Justin and Kyle(his brother who takes care of him)..Justin may not understand the concept of Christmas but he know it is something special. Merry Christmas..I do not have enough words to thank you ladies for the support,, I have no advice but just wanted to say im so sorry! (((hugs)))) Sounds like the older kids need to work thru thier own issues about thier feelings towards thier brother. That makes me so sad and upset to hear but in a weird way i understand a little since my sister is mentally ill and i cannot say there were times i did not behave in a bad way toward her because of how tired of all the stuff we have had to go thru. Id imagine they would feel more compassion but maybe they harbor resentment towards him for some reason even tho they totally shouldnt. In any event they need to work thru it themselves its NOT urs or justins fault at all! But ill just shutup! IM so sorry
I am apologizing before I write this as it is a vent, I am crying as I write this so I hope it makes sense.I have 4 children Justin is the youngest, and one of my oldest made me a grandmother. I just got off the phone with him, and had confirmed what I have known for awhile. He does not care for Justin,it hurts.. he,Jared is basing it on one night that happened years ago..when Justin was in the group home where he was abused phyiscally and pretty sure sexually. He had been saying for awhile "no home" but I ignored him, as I had just had surgery and thought it was just because he wanted to stay with me. Come to find out it was because of what was being done to him, That night his brother took him back, Justin beacme aggressive to him and refused to go into the home..Jared told me " Justin should be strapped to a bed in a psych ward where I had no say so." God how that hurt, I raised 4 children two of which do not accept their brother or love him. Where did I go wrong? I had thought that my children would accept the disabled because of their brother. It is the opposite. I am to go to his house to see my grand daughter because of Justin and because my house his dirty. I never thought that it was. It is not spic ans span but it is not dirty. How do I get past the fact that his two older sibilings want nothing to do with him? All those years I was in an abusive marriage , alll those years I fought for my oldest, times he does not even know about, what do I do. I know I spend alot of time with Justin and because of Justin, but if I do not who will????? Please tell me what to do? (((hugs)))) I don't have any advice, but I can tell you, it isn't your fault. No matter what we do sometimes, kids can go completely against all we taught them or brought them up believing. I was one of those children--my grandmother, strict but caring as my parent for most of my life, and me, a rebel. It took a long time before I saw the errors and my ways and, thankfully, have done different with my children because of how I was as a child. Yet, I have a son that I can't seem to please. NT, and I swear, he was a Kennedy and switched at birth. :) He is selfish, hurtful and gets into trouble (although, as of late, no issues for a while with the law). He is jealous of his twin brother with mild cp because he gets services and brings this up in a hurtful way, many times. Nothing is "fair" to him and, he wants and wants, but I can't give (and probably wouldnt, even if I could...he is materialistic, through and through). Yet, I have brought him up the same as all my other kids. Sometimes, kids just turn, or have that rebel streak in them like I did. I had the "poor me" syndrome. My son seems to have the same thing..it hurts, and many nights I am in tears--especially when I am working 3 jobs, and, he compares our house to everyone else's house--of course, much bigger, nicer and newer than ours by material standards. You can do only what you can do. I learned that a long time ago, trying to be in 5 places--one place for 5 kids, but couldn't. I felt the feelings of failure--could have built an olympic swimming pool on my tears. And, yes...i still have those moments--yet, when I look back I realize, there is nothing else I can do. And, there really isn't anything else you can do, either. You can try family counseling--that didn't work with me because, behind the scenes my son would tell one story, and change it completely when we were all together==if I wasnt lying, the counselor was. He was the only one right. Yet, it works for many families. Maybe it can work with yours. My son is so jealous of my youngest two that, he tormented them to the point where, taylor actually won't go near him--she wants nothing to do wit him, even though he slowly gets better as time goes on. Although it is only one that doesn't want anything to do with his younger two siblings with asd (Sean is is twin so, he does have that bond of closeness, even though he can be pretty rough with him at the same time), I wondered, for a long time, where I went wrong. Then, I look at myself and think, "Gee, my grandmother did everything, including give up her own time of freedom from raising children, to bring up another one..and I was a terrible child until I hit my 20's". it wasn't her fault..as it isn't your fault or my fault. Unfortunately, nothing sometimes makes sense in our world. Just know that, if you need a shoulder, you have one. I wish I could be of more help but I do care.
vcuddy, big hugs going your way ((((( vcuddy ))))) I come from a large family (I am the youngest of 9 children) and although we were all raised by the same parents, in the same house, under the exact same rules and circumstances, not two of us have the same perspective of how things went. My parents have been gone for a few years now and whenever my sliblings and I get together now, the discussion eventually goes towards our childhood and how we were raised ... and usually ends up with a huge argument as we can't seem to agree (I think a stranger listening in on our discussions would never guess we were all raised together!!) I am not sure exactly what makes one person choose to see things one way or another, prefering to stay positive throughout life's experiences instead of resenting others ... I am not sure why people choose to hate or dislike each other so intently when the same blood flows in their veins ... I am not sure why some children "turn" nasty or to a life of criminal ways (my husband is a lawyer and he is surprised by some very nice families showing up in his office with a young offender performing the most awful acts of violence) ... one thing I am sure though, is that this is NOT the fault of the well-meaning parents who have done absolutely everything in their power, sometimes well past the limits of human strength. It is NOT your fault, vcuddy. You and I have talked before and you are one of the most caring moms I know! ALL your children are so blessed to have you as a mom ... and to have each other to lean on ... maybe they do not see this right now, but in time, they might change their views on life and soften their hearts. Life experiences have a way of changing how one sees things. Praying that as your son matures, he will see how wonderful his brother truly is. I too, would choose to visit my new grandchild, hold my head up high, discuss everything but "sore issues" and leave with a real Christmas feeling in my heart. As for the messy house ... I had to smile at that one ... a friend of mine used to comment at how messy my house was when she came for visits ... until she too, had 4 children and I couldn't find the floor in her house!! I had a good chuckle about it when she apologized for being so ignorant about it (on her own). Hang in there, vcuddy. Holidays are never easy for us parents of ASD children, but celebrate this new life in your family and enjoy it together as a family. We show such patience to our ASD children, day in and day out ... same patience must also be shown with our other children ... just in different ways, no matter what their issues are. Hugs to you ... you're a fabulous mom! (and now grandma too!) Claire xxx P.S. YepperBepper, I love that sign!! I am so sorry, WHen will the tears stop. Do I go over there on Christmas knowing how he feel s for his brother? I am trying to understand but I cannot, I only feel so much guilt and sadness, because of all of Justins behavior he is and can be the most loving person and goofy, for that there is also sadness because his brother and sister will never know that. Thabks for the replies, it is so nice to know that I am not alone. Hey there lady. You raised your children as best you can. From your post it sounds as if you have one supportive child. Cherish it. If it were me...I would go to my son's house. I would have a good time. I would enjoy my grandchild. I would not talk about Justin. I would talk about Obama, the Big Three bailout, your favorite Christmas, your happiest memories with your son. I would be as accomodating as possible. Leave with smile and a big Merry Christmas. But...I would NOT continue making excuses for what you did, how you raised your children or Justin's problems. Your life is your life...and you need not have approval for it, especially from your child. I would just love your other son for who he is...quirks and all...just as it is clear you love Justin. Your son may eventually come around. Or mybe he won't. I don't think YOU can make it happen. Only your NT son can. And he may someday. Until then....sit back and enjoy him...enjoy your grandbaby...and of course...Justin. I know it sounds like I am attempting to simplify a lifetime of emotions and feelings and experiences. But what Jared feels is his perspective...different from yours. I notice my Mom has similar feeling about her two brothers who are both severely mentally retarded and blind. She still harbors some resentment about her childhhod...40 years later. I find it difficult to understaand, as my experiences with my uncles were always pleasant. Hers were not. Sometimes, but often not. And Kelly4Jesus....I have a tapestry that says the follwing: If you are lucky enough to live here...you are lucky enough. That will hang here....in our too small humble row home...that will hang in my home if we end up in a housing project...or in a million dollar mansion. Whenever I hear complaints...I point the kiddos to the sign. VCuddy....Merry Christmas...Happy Hannukah...Happy New Year. Peace
I think as parents, most of us convince ourselves that our kids won't turn out different then they were raised to be. But, we all know deep down, that isn't true. They grow up and become their own person and that's that. All you can do is love them both the best you can. Like the others have said, go to your son's house and enjoy the time with them. Chances are, he is not just being hateful. Everyone will have a different perspective of the same situation, and there is just no real way to truly understand why one person would feel so differently then another. I know this may be opening a whole other can of worms here, but it may be possible that your son's wife is in on this. If he has resentment towards his brother, then most likely, she has heard the bad more than the good. She also, may very well be misinformed about many things. As a result, I could imagine that her "mother bear" instinct would come out and she would not want her newborn baby around someone who she feels isn't safe to be around. You may see the reason behind why Justin became aggressive, but it may have truly scared Jared. Combine that, with the fact that he had some need to be in a home in the first place - and you get a mom that may be scared for the safety of her baby. In all total honesty, I can't blame her on that one. Do not talk about Justin at this visit. It's not about hiding him away, but about beginning to repair whatever is going on w/ Jared. Hopefully, you can eventually start to work towards helping Jared and his wife understand things better and build a relationship w/ Justin from there. For the time being, though, just go and enjoy your grandbaby and know that, by doing so, you are laying the foundation for better relationships in the future. That's a good point ershost made. No one knows what it feels like to be a parent until they are one. Period. Maybe as he grows as a father, he will start to see your side of things more. I am just so sorry. I have heard that, over and over again, from my parents about my nephew, from people I worked with about other kids. It is sometimes their way of saying, "WE need your attention, not 'THAT person.'" It is also their way of saying, "We see you are working hard, for (what appears to them to be) little emotional return, and we are sorry for that. We feel guilty that we do not do more, so why don't you do less?" You will have the satisfaction of knowing you have done the right thing. They will not. It's your call, and in truth, NOT theirs. Hugs, I am sorry he hurt you like that! I love this place! You are all so loving! Happy holidays!
I wish I knew what to say to you. Your message made me cry. My oldest son has autism and it is pretty severe. I have a younger daughter and am now 7 ½ months pregnant with a boy. I do worry how all my children will be towards Jake (my son with ASD) as they grow and get older. All I can say is that you have tried your best. No one knows what sacrifices you have made but you. Your oldest son is still young and probably does not get it! Maybe one day he will. I know it hurts.. my husband has a hard time dealing with the autism and so a lot of things have been placed on my shoulders. I still everyday struggle with how to get through to my husband about understanding our son and really supporting and loving him. Do not feel guilty for the time and energy you have had to put into your son with special needs. He needed and needs you. Maybe as your oldest son’s child grows he will understand that and get it. He sounds angry at you right now but in time he will grow up and see what parenthood is like. Keep your chin up. Keep loving your kids the best you can. You sound like a very great mom. Don’t let your oldest son tear you down either. You are and will ALWAYS be his mother. (((HUGS))) Again thanks to all of you for making me feel as if meant something. I love Justin, as all my kids, but with Justin it is different. He did not ask for the life he was given, the struggle to "fit" into a world that does not make it easy to fit in. That was one of the things Jared said "he does not fit in, so he should be put some place where it odes not matter." I want so much for him to be ok, but as I write this he is going into a full meltdown and I am tired. Anyway thank you Please keep Justin and his brother in your thoughts...I will go to see my grand daughter, and smile and say nothing about Justin. [QUOTE=vcuddy]that crapy an imature .i cant understand them feeling this way it not there brother fault .what if his baby has autism ,is he going to put the child in a phic ward .i would be so mad i proubly wount go over to see the new babyI am apologizing before I write this as it is a vent, I am crying as I write this so I hope it makes sense.I have 4 children Justin is the youngest, and one of my oldest made me a grandmother. I just got off the phone with him, and had confirmed what I have known for awhile. He does not care for Justin,it hurts.. he,Jared is basing it on one night that happened years ago..when Justin was in the group home where he was abused phyiscally and pretty sure sexually. He had been saying for awhile "no home" but I ignored him, as I had just had surgery and thought it was just because he wanted to stay with me. Come to find out it was because of what was being done to him, That night his brother took him back, Justin beacme aggressive to him and refused to go into the home..Jared told me " Justin should be strapped to a bed in a psych ward where I had no say so." God how that hurt, I raised 4 children two of which do not accept their brother or love him. Where did I go wrong? I had thought that my children would accept the disabled because of their brother. It is the opposite. I am to go to his house to see my grand daughter because of Justin and because my house his dirty. I never thought that it was. It is not spic ans span but it is not dirty. How do I get past the fact that his two older sibilings want nothing to do with him? All those years I was in an abusive marriage , alll those years I fought for my oldest, times he does not even know about, what do I do. I know I spend alot of time with Justin and because of Justin, but if I do not who will????? Please tell me what to do? vc--never worry about venting. Honestly, no one in real life (outside of this mb) knows how I feel about anything. I have been called happy go lucky, with a great attitude, devoted, etc...yet, I have turned into rock due to how everyone hates to listen, unless they, too have a challenged child. Whenever I tried to explain, I either got pity (which I don't need) or, totally the opposite--the subject is changed or someone has to get up and "do something", mid conversation. I live in a cave--I type here because, I can't say things. My heart comes out on this board only. So, please...vent away. Just so you know, my son came home from his overnight--I got him stuff off of ebay--well, he is a CHANGED child--he hugged me, thanked me--no problems AT ALL that it came from ebay--and even went out..all the 5 kids and bought each other gifts with the little money I gave them. My daughter got a gift card from her GM back home, and spent it on all of US--not a cent for herself. So, yep--things can change--there are just lots of tears a long the way. It's a long road but, we are here to walk up it with you. Many hugs! Thank you Kelly..I am starting to stress over tomorrow, the tension will be in the house, and if I am not careful it will go bad. I am determined to focus on my grand daughter for the feww hours I will be there, and then it is back home to prepare a dinner my other two sons deserve and can enjoy. I also feel bad about venting on here, but it is the only place I sem to be able to go where I can be understood. Merry Christmas victoria I'm so sorry Jared feels that way. I hope over time he can realize that Justin had no other way to communicate what was happening to him. I agree with Kelly that a lot of times children rebel against the way their parents live, but most of them eventually mellow out. ((hugs))vcuddy, do NOT feel bad about venting here with us-- we are the ones who truly understand what you are describing, and many of us feel your hurt. For those who do not have a child with ASD--they may try their best to understand, but it just isn't the same unless it is your own child and you live the life with autism. ((hugs)) to you. And I wish you a peaceful and Merry Christmas! Revy vcuddy... Bear hugs to you... How did your trip over to Jared's house on Christmas go ? I hope things went well for you and did not flare up... Anyway, a Belated BLESSED CHRISTMAS to you... with a prayer on a wing... Well I went to Jared's and my grand daughter was very tired and cried alot..she ended up in a nap, but I kissed her and said I would see her again, As for Jared..he said my house was dirty, (that was a reason why he did not come over)..his house would not win any award from good housekeeping..but I kept my mouth shut..I stayed for 2 hours and then had to go. I had 2 other sons waiting for Christmas dinner. As I left I kissed him and said I loved him, Merry Christmas, and I was proud of him. His wife kissed me said it was good to see me, and "give Justin a hug from me"...I let it go.. The whole thing was ok..but strange in a way.I was not sure where I fit if at all..I was determined not to bring up anything in regards to Justin, Jared has issues, and he needs to work them out before he comes over here. Justin will know if someone does not like him. We had a good dinner here Justin ate alot..and so did Kyle. The hurt is still here, but I am trying to push it down,and move on. I want to wish everyone here a Good Christmas and a hope that the year coming will be alittle eaisier. victoria Well Victoria... glad to hear that there were no unnecessary fireworks... Look forward to the new year... and unravelling of special unexpected moments of joy with Justin. BLESSED CHRISTMAS and a BETTER NEW YEAR AHEAD !! From
Yeah the older his daughter gets, the more apt he is to understand your feelings as a parent. And you did great keeping things gracious! In MY family, people stop talking -- once my brother quit talking to my mom for a year. NO progress is possible when something like that happens! I think you did a great job at Jareds house! He will come around oneday and like someone said he will experience being a parent as his daughter grows and will come to understand your feelings more. Your views change sometimes dramatically when you have kids of your own. Just keep loving them all like you are. Ill keep you in prayers. vcuddy, it sounds as if you handled a very ackward and potentially explosive situation with dignity and class. I just wanted to applaud you for handling this situation the way you did, without adding more to it. |
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