I miss the old me! | Autism PDD
i hear you loud and clear!!
i'm not even sure who i am most days i'm just Jacks mum/Dans mum/Katies mum/simons wife i lost me along time ago and more than once someone has been shouting my names and i have to think duh thats me.I gave up work 3 years ago and even though i only worked part time i miss it not only for the challenges but for the adult company and the distraction it gave me.I have been desperate for the last few weeks for school to start and now it has i'm lost i don't know what to do with myself.I think i have forgot how to do fun things just for myself
Amy,Absolutely! I used to Jazzercise 3 days a week, go shopping without worry about expense (well, within reason), and although I didn't do a lot of female 'frou-frou' type things, I used to feel good most of the time and not worry about anything. Now I worry often, gone are the days of Jazzercise and shopping (can't afford it with ABA to begin), and I have very little free time be/c almost everyday is spent carting Luke and our newborn to Luke's therapies. I miss feeling so confident that our little boy was going to be the head of his class, breezing through school without a care, being much more popular with friends than I ever was ... maybe even being a jock in addition to all that! Now I worry that Luke will ever learn how to make friends and talk, much less about how he'll do in school. I miss being happy and optimistic. I wasn't so much self-indulgent as completely and utterly secure in life. That's gone for good.
What I really miss was just thinking about anything without having this black cloud in my mind "my kid has Autism". I would wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and everywhere in between. It wasn't till three or four years after the first dx that I actually had ten minutes where it wasn't in my mind.
It has been 11 years now and it has become such a part of me that I don't remember how it was to not be worried about my two with Autism. I have time now to do some of those "for me" things as the kids are all in school and finished full on intervention, but of course not much money to spend.
I was never really into a lot of the shopping etc but I miss the me inside. When the school rings I automatically assume there is a problem to the point they usually say "David's ok just called to ....". I wonder how long it takes to get back yourself.
Amyleigh,
I can totally relate......I definetly miss the old me. Somedays I wish I could just go off and do whatever I want to do for myself after work. I can't remember the last time I bought nice new clothes for myself....It's usually whatever I can find that's cheap. Someday I will have beatiful clothes......... I do envy one of my single coworkers who has no kids. Every time she says "you get to go home early...you're so lucky" I say to her "Yeah...I do get to leave early but I can't just go and do whatever I want like you can....like going shopping for myself or out with friends or anything else I would like to do without hearing Mommy....can we go now?"
I went to KMArt this weekend and bought myself 3 'new' outfits, total cost.......18.00 and I really couldnt afford that. I miss movies and dinner out, sleeping in, reading, crocheting, shaving, having 10 minutes to blow dry my hair. All of that is gone and I do mourn it. I also can soooooooooo relate to all my hopes and dreams shattered for my son. He was going to do, be and hae all the things I never got to have, do and be. Now I have fear that when I die he will have to go to a home or school. I try really hard to stay positive, but sometimes it is sooooooooooo hard! I feel like I am always 'on'.............Always having to argue over this and fuss over that and all the time keeping the strange hours we keep, with 'dance parties' at all hours of the day and night. Money worries, we MISS my paycheck and all the copays and other things DS needs, it can seem overwhelming at times. Thats why I am so greastful for my online support groups...you guys KNOW just what I mean.........
WOW, have I been thinking this for a while now LOL...
I use to be able to get up early and just throw my sneakers and sweats and go out for my run, then come home chat w/ dh over coffee, go to work in my nice chic little outfits I'd spend hours looking for at tjmaxx and marshalls (I've always loved bargains LOL) ...not a care in the world it seemed...
Now...I usually am going to bed around the time I use to get up due to Mr. Nicholas' Nightime follies (though much better than before!), running? well that's what I try to do once in a blue moon while pushing my 41lb son in his jogger loaded w/ every snack, toy and gadget I may need to get through the run...coffee is something I gulp down to get me reved up because of lack of sleep and conversations w/ dh are "elevated in volume" due to we can not talk quietly over ELMO or Sponge BOB. Work cloths are whatever I have left that fits my out of shape bod, and I'm able to throw on as I'm trying to feed, washup and dress Nicholas so he and I can get out the door and to school/work...ugh!
worries plague me all day, I think if it were not for my family (dh, my mom and sister and mil) and you all I would just feel like the world was closing in...I miss the old me too, I'm trying to get her back...dh and I both have decided that he will watch nicholas for one hour a day where he will throw me out of the house so I can exercise...we will leave Nick for one night a month w/ my mil or mother and do a date night AND for my bday which is coming up in Oct. he told me he's getting me a gift cert to my two fav stores and I can go w/out Nicholas to browse...can I say HIGH FIVE TO DADDY!!! lol, of course, we'll see what really happens, as my dad use to say, the road to heaven is paved w/ good intentions LOL...still its really nice he offered and I can dream can't I LOL
love to all people out there we use to be and are now!
hugs!
Ali
I am not sure even i remember what I miss anymore..........I know i do miss the days of sending my child to school without having to stay at constant attention to make sure an IEP is followed .....or the days of just going to the store without having to plan hours in advance to keep a meltdown from occuring because i have to run to the store.........but by the same token........in those days I didn't have a little man who showered me with hugs and kisses , who loves my cooking and the smell of my hair............who very properly will look at me and say how was work? or my most favorite I didn't have a my little man to tuck in at nite..........so I guess for me it is an even trade.........he gives me such joy...........I would most definately miss him if I ddin't have him.HUGS Browneyes! You are 1 zillion % right! I'd die w/out my little love bug!
Its more than even, its better!
hugs again for making me smile! and miss my guy even more!
Ali
I wouldn't trade anything in the world for my angel baby either - she has definitely brightened our world. And most days I would tell you that I wouldn't go back to that old me even if I could. I'm sure all of us have grown and become better people for having these precious little ones in our life!! I guess this morning I was just missing the old days because things seemed so EASY compared to now (and I was a SAH mom then too!) Like I said before, I was just having a good old fashioned pity party!!! There are so many special blessings in my life that I'm forever grateful for!!
It's so therapeutic just to be able to share these thoughts (even the petty ones) with all of you guys cause I know if anybody in the world can relate - y'all can!! Hugs to all of you!!!
I wouldn't give up ds for anything either. And I wouldn't change a thing about him. I dont really think any of us would trade our children for shaved legs, a haircut and manicure, but their is definitly aBIG change when ya have kiddos; thats why I love the support boards. I can vent and you all KNOW what I mean. Great thread!!! I feel better than I did earlier today. After reading your posts, I felt better. After our son's IEP, I felt great. I then talked to my hubby about wanting to do something, anything for myself. He was supportive and I feel good about talking to him and being honest with myself. Tomorrow I am going to start dieting and I am going to bring my exercise bike into the house. I am going to get up an hour earlier so I can find time to put on make-up. Then I am going to give my little man a HUGE hug and teach him how to make cookies(and try not to ruin the new diet)!!! It may not be a huge change but it's a start. Thank you everyone for your inspiration!!!!!! ~Brooke~ Noahsmom, you cracked me up with the hooker-hair comment!!! ROTFL
nene and kaviar, Two weeks after dd was dx'd, I had a big time health scare after a regular check-up. Looking back, I know it was God that got me through that horrible time..........I cried constantly - my whole world was falling apart. As it turned out, the labs screwed up the stinking tests and there was nothing wrong the whole time!!! GGGRRRRR!!! I was SO mad....but ya know, as I'm writing this and looking back over nene's post, maybe that was God's way of putting things into perspective for me. Autism, though it seemed like it at first, is not the end of the world! It's just a name for something we deal with, part of our life, part of this great journey, I guess you could say a "calling" - and isn't that life still beautiful and worth living to the fullest of every moment even if it's different from everyone else's? OMG!!!! Ya know, this is better than therapy!!! And I've been so depressed today, too.............. When I joined this forum it was to get helpful tips and such, I never dreamed that it would actually help me to cope. Thank you so much you guys - y'all are all such an inspiration to me everyday..............
Does anyone else out there ever have days like this? OMG!! And here I have been thinking that I was the only one who feels this way!!! I miss shaving both legs on the same day and wearing make-up on a daily basis, having my hair done, ect. The hard thing is we just moved to Tacoma and my husband goes off to work and I stay home. I have no friends here and husband works really long hours so it's just me and Jr. Now our son starts school next week. I wouldn't change my son but some days I feel like I have been lost in the shuffle between ASD and spouses career. I want to thank you all for sharing your feelings to. I don't feel so alone today!! ~Brooke~ I am there with all of you! The good news is that for you with little ones, they do grow up and it does get better! My daughter started sleeping through the night at age 4 and she isn't nearly the same human tornado. Both of my kids are in school all day, but I confess that I let myself go (entropy) for so long that I have a hard time finding myself again. One thing brought things into sharp focus for me. I went in for my annual female exam about 3 weeks ago and the Dr. found a lump (rather large) in my breast. Why I didn't find it, I don't know. Anyway there is breast cancer in my family and I was terrified. The army healthcare is amazingly efficient and I had to wait 3 weeks for a mammogram and ultrasound (I now know that everything is o.k.);however, that 3 weeks made me realize that I didn't like the direction my life was taking. Life is too short, fragile and precious. I don't have a lot of control in my life, but those things that I can control, I am taking charge of. I put everyone else first for so long, that I forgot what I liked. So i have signed myself up for 3 different dance classes (free through parks and rec). I went out and bought a few cute clothes in the size that I am now (rather than wishing I were a size smaller-hopefully I will fit in my smaller clothes again someday..but I am working with what I have at hand
Aloha, Renee
My goodness, what a horrible thing to have to go through! I thank
God that you're okay. The week that I got pregnant with Luke, the
doctor found a lump in my breast as well ... and after a few weeks it
turned out to be nothing (thank goodness), but I know what you went
through in waiting. My mother, grandmother and great-grandmother
all had breast cancer. My mom had it at the age of 33. I was
34 when they found the lump. It scared the be-jeesus out of
me. Good for you getting your life back into focus and for
allowing yourself to indulge a little in the things you enjoy. 
Kellie
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