Why is it? | Autism PDD
Congratulations!!!
I am really happy for you! I just adore babies. Do you know what gender OR pick out any names, yet? How very exciting this must be for you and your family. Did you use any type of "extra" help to quit smoking? (gum, patch, etc..)? Since i have started taking Lexapro, I have been smoking more, too. Any tips???
I hear you big time. My dh soon to be ex has now decided he wants to come back. I'm considering it only because of the kids but I wonder if I can cope with the criticism and sighing etc. He helps with some of the housework etc as he is retired but I find his attitude difficult to take. I realise that he is in the spectrum too (according to the psych) but very hfa. This of course means that he has no perception of my feelings or the children's. We have had so many situations where he has trampled on our feelings and his only response would be "Well I don't like that or I don't want to".I think if we state what we want them to do and have no expectations about them offering help or emotional support then it can be easier. It just seems sad that we have to manage them as well as the children and they can't be equal partners in what is going on.
Gregsmom - OMG! You mean to tell me that your HUSBAND has a girlfriend and he's still alive to tell about it?!? Why does it take 3 months for his sorry butt to hit the road!? I am SO sorry! I can't even imagine being in your shoes...you must be so strong.
It makes me so sad to read all these posts about what you brave women are going through with NO help from the men in your lives. It just breaks my heart that their on children don't even come first. Where are the strong, loving, committed Dad's out there?
I want yall to know that life ain't peaches-n-cream all the time at my house by any means. Of course we're stressed out more lately and we do seem to argue and blow up at each other more quickly than we used to - but we settle things and move on. We've BOTH sacrificed and given up alot to take care of Ansley the best we can. Trust me, my DH isn't perfect either but then again neither am I! We've both had to deal with this tragedy and it's stressful sometimes - actually alot of times!! But I do have to say I have even more respect for him after hearing what some men out there are like...
It has not been easy overall for our relationship either; last November, when Nicky was diagnosed, my partner told me it was up to me to take care of him as he (Nicky) was my idea after all! Since then, I had (and still have) to literally beg him to take care of his son once in a while.
I am having a real hard time getting over that rejection and I do not think it worthwhile to continue working at this relationship; my energies need to be spent on Nicky and his well-being. We should be moving out this Spring, to give us some time to organize and put some money aside. To be honest, I feel like my workload will be cut in half.
Take care,
Jo.
I hear you. My DH is still in denial, as I have said prev, DH has a girlfriend with 3 NT kids, FT job, nice house and car waiting in the wings. He plans on leaving in December.
Amyleigh I am so envious of you! Your life sounds like the one I dream of every night.
I'm feeling pretty lucky after reading some of these posts because my husband really helps me out alot - but then again he did that even before Ansley came along. Sure, we have our arguments and ridiculous petty little fights, but we always get over it really quickly. I guess communication is the key (I know how cliche that sounds, but it's true!) It really helps because we talk to each other about our feelings and what we're dealing with. In our situation (I'm a stay at home mom) I have alot of added stress in my life since Ansley's dx, therapists, schedules, making sure big sis still gets enough of mom's time, etc. But hubby is dealing with everything at home AND the extra pressure of being the breadwinner - especially with the enormous expense of raising a kid with ASD. I've found that when I need his help, I have to ask him to help and tell him exactly what I need from him. This works so much better than just pouting around waiting for him to jump in and offer to help. I know we females think they should just KNOW intuitively what we need - but in my experience this rarely happens! When I tell him what I need he is usually very happy to help me out.
Also, don't underestimate ALONE time together. I'm fortunate that both his family and my family live nearby, but do whatever it takes to get a date night in now and then - or even better a night away! My mom (wise woman that she is!) insisted that we take some "couple" time together so DH and I reluctantly went to the mountains for 2 nights for our 10 year anniv. while she came to stay with the girls. It worked wonders for our relationship and our mental health! It was SO awesome to be free of responsibility for 2 days with nothing to do but entertain each other!!
Our kids have a hard enough time in the world already - do everything you can to stick together!!! I really thought I was the only who felt this way. Dhs favorite thing to do is second guess everything I do. He sometimes treats me like I am stupid. I admit I am not doing real good right now. I was diagnosised with major depression before Tj was diagnosised, and now my dr thinks I may be mildly bi-polar. So I do forget alot of things and he likes to remind me. He has finally started interacting some with TJ - he used to scream for me to take him whenever Tj got too close. I am not saying he is accepting the diagnosis-I think the IEP meeting and the 2 times he has been hospitalized this year opened his eyes. Somedays he is good but most of the time I am alone dealing with everything myself. I have a difficult time getting him to take me where we have to go- I havent drove in 3 years, Part of the whole depression thing. I have come to the conclusion that I would not know what to do if ANYONE would help with TJ anytime. Now that he started school I am with you screech, I have time to clean up the house before he gets in. I do have to give cresit to my oldest ds. She is 16 and will most days help out even if it is just swinging TJ. I just feel so alone.. Kathy With my husband not only does he do all of that but then he also has the nerve to sit back and give opinions about what we (meaning I) should be doing with our son. Or to ask if I've done this, this, or that (meaning therapy, vitamins, chelation, and whatever else he can think of that should be done with him on a daily basis) with Matthew while he sits there and watches tv or plays games on the computer on his days off from work. Don't get me wrong I know I am lucky in that my dh isn't in denial as alot are or that he is even still around as alot aren't. But as he sits there "making sure I do everything that needs to be done" I just want to hurl something at him. Ruth The divorce rate of parents with special needs kids is between 80% to 85% from everything I've read. Jean, I had been with my husband for 19 years before we had Paul. Things realy were never the same. As it became clear that he had a problem, which was around 18 months, Paul came first, period! We divorced when Paul was 5. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom but it is difficult. If I had it to do again I'd seek counseling for us to deal with our grief. Everyone has different problems around this, but for us it was that we held our grief separately. I poured it into Paul and my xdh kept us at arms length. Good luck. I believe in marriage. I believe that can be kept together. But I think they need extra care just as our children do. And if you think marriage is tough with autistic children you don't want to try dating!! Oy! pat I hear you loud and clear my dh goes through stages,sometimes he seems to be coping and trying to help a little and at other times to be quite blunt he sticks his head up his behind and pretends all is well.Doesn't help that he works permanent nights so if jack is up all night partying it still falls on me the next day to care for him because dh needs to sleep ready for work (during a really rough sleep patch i made a point of calling him every hour during the night to say guess what we are still awake too and when your sleeping tomorrow we will still be awake then!!he got the point fairly quickly)Don't get me wrong when he trys he really does try but since he has alot of ASD traits himself i don't think he gets it.Things are really rough at the minute the 6 week school break has been a total nightmare and i have to be honest and say i have seriously considered leaving him,since seeing him sat at computor while i'm trying cook,entertain kids and do a million other things drives me nuts if i wasn't here i wouldn't have that.I can understand how the divorce rate is so highat times i feel incredibly bitter towards dh that he gets to sit back and watch me run round like a chicken with its head cut off and then ask me why i'm pissed with him.So yes as you see from the ramble screech i understand completly where your coming from Dee Same here, the majority falls on me. I know there are many parents here who are single handedly raising their special needs child / children and their childrens other parent is not at all involved. I also do know that the divorce rate among parents of special needs children is much higher than parents without special needs kids. I can share your anger, frustration, disbeleif (sometimes all at the same time), of feeling that you must shoulder the majority of the efforts needed. My DH once told me, after he had slept 8 hours a night for 5 nights in a row, that he 'needed' to sleep in on weekends in order to catch up and be refreshed for th enext week. I will not share what I said to him, but lets just say that from that point on, if DS is up on weekends, and I am lacking in sleep, it is sh's TURN to stay up and run the dance party and let me sleep. It was a dramatic change in our lives WITHOUT DS having special needs. We had been married for 26 years, DINKs (double income no kids) and we did what we wanted when we wanted....It took DH much longer than I to see that that life no longer exists and will never come back, we have a child and he must come first (Irregardless of the 'experts' that tell us to always put our marraige first Hope some of this rambling makes sense..... Hi Why is it the "Mother" takes the brunt of it ALL?~!~why is it hubby can't see what this ALL does to me? Is this being selfish on my part 'cuz I would like to sleep OR watch TV at times? When HE is tired OR don't feel very well, I allow him to sleep as I want him to FEEL better. However, when it comes to me, pfffffffff I STILL hafta do a LOT of things! I don't EVEN want to get up in the mornings! It REALLY sux to be a neat freak! When I don't hafta "run" around chasing after AJ, I FEEL rather relaxed. I KNOW that sounds selfish and all, but I can't HELP it! When AJ goes to school for 3 hours, that is MY time to either clean quickly OR get a nap in. I don't even know if this makes sense to "anybody" Thanks for hearing me vent! Psssssssst I am staring to grind my teeth a LOT Jean, just read your first link and OMG!!! no wonder I feel like I've aged 10 years in 6 months!
Now we have something else to worry about - short telomeres!!!
I think I just shortened some chromosomes by stressing out over that new info! When I read about this study in our local paper, it listed Mothers of ASD children. It is very scary! While we all know we need to take care of ourselves, it is often very, very difficult to do it. Big Hugs to you all!!!!! http://stress.about.com/od/medicalconditions/a/telomeres.htm Nineteen of the 58 women in the study were mothers of healthy children; the other 39 participants were parents of chronically ill children. The participants answered questionnaires about their stress levels and provided blood samples for the analysis of telomere length. The telomeres of the women suffering from severe stress (those caring for a chronically ill child) had undergone shortening equivalent to about 10 years of additional aging when compared with those of less-stressed women. mumof3 it's like talking to a wall right? Is it that he doesn't get it or refuses to accept? As someone said to me. to man it is "the death of a dream". Very hard for men to accept of thier son. Seems like alot of us are all in the same boat. Wish could all be neighbors! Can you imagine a neighborhood full of ASD kids. Those non supportive hubby's would run for thier lives!
Screech- I quit cold turkey and kept it in my head that i was done smoking! After the first 2 days i really didnt want them anymore! It is just getting past those first 2 days! I think the fact they made me feel sicker than i already feel helped alot! The stress of every day dealing with an autistic child makes it hard to quit! You just have to keep your mind set that you dont want a cig! Well I do feel like i am 10 years older! Sad but true! That is crazy about the telo.. I think Men add to the every day stress too I feel so much better after reading everyones notes. My husband is horrible... He doesn't think that anything is wrong with his son.. He thinks that it's all everyone elses problem. I try to explain.. But, sometimes i think that he just doesn't get it. I attened all the meeting and doctor's appt's. I know that he really doesn't understand.. I really thought I was the only one with this going on in there life... It's nice to know that there are others....
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