Toddler Constantly Saying NO..help!!!
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Ok....here is my latest dilemma....I'm open for any and all advice. My dd will be 3 next month and just recently started going through the "NO" phase. This is how she replies to everything and anything I ask of her. At first it was not a big deal, but now it is downright irritating. She is not just politely saying no, she is strongly saying it- almost like she is testing me. She is my first child and she has mild ASD, so on top of me being new to the world of discipline, I'm unsure of how to approach the situation since she is on the spectrum. Can anyone help me to know how to react to these "NO's" all the time. I hate feeling like a mom who just sits there and lets her kid be a brat. Not to sound harsh, but the way she is speaking to me really does sound so rude...I dont want my sweet little girl to think it's ok to talk to me that way. Thanks very much for your help. Maybe phrase questions a different way so it's not a yes/no question. ex.Do you want to eat your hamburger or your carrots. My son wouldn't say yes at 3 at all so we taught him using popsicles, his favorite thing at the time. We would as if he wanted a popsicle and he would say want a popsicle and we would prompt him to say yes and didn't give it to him until he did, then we went crazy reinforcing "good saying yes!!!" etc. Also, of course if she says no redirect to say no thanks. i am sooooooooo there with you. my son started this last month or two and it doesnt matter how he phrases it. he phrases several ways. no, no i will not, no i wont, no no no no no (insert scream here!) i helped raise an ex bfs nt child and we went through the nos, but this is different. its no and he wont budge. and although no thank you would be more 'polite' he still come out sounding just as mean. he is currently not doing it as much but some might not like how i handled it. my son if high functioning intellectually but very impulsive and set in his ways. as for the no's, its simple. im your mom, if i tell you to do something, i expect you to do it. no is not an option, and saying no is not a good choice. at the third no, its time out. (for him time out is going in his bedroom, which is gated, and playing with his cars or animals, etc., basically chill out time to forget what he was so heck bent on) its seems to be helping. I agree with you, this is a very frustrating stage. You might try giving choices. They are bursting for some independance at this age, so making her feel like she can make up her own mind usually does wonders. If it is time to clean up, ask her "do you want to use the pink washcloth or the blue one to wash?" "Do you want to put the shampoo on your hair or do you want me to do it?" This works GREAT w/ my 6 yo ASD son. If they refuse and say "I dont want to wash my hair!" you can firmly say"Im sorry sweetie, that wasnt one of the choices. Do you want to put the shampoo in your hair or do you want me to." Repeat, repeat, repeat until she complies. I hope this is helpful for you I had three daughters prior to raising my son, and "no" is typical of toddlers, whether NT or not. It's part of their development as an individual - learning and testing the available limits and choices around them. That's not to say that expressing "no" in an ugly and rude manner is acceptable. Given that I had daughters prior to my son, one of my main concerns was teaching them that they DID have the right to say "no" - to be blanketly taught that "no" is not acceptable to an adult is to deprive them of the ability of self-protection, and in a world where we are putting our children in daycare beginning at 6 weeks of life with caregivers that we know very little about, I felt that any self-protection they could have was important. What I did teach them was that there was an appropriate way to disagree, and an inappropriate way to do so. That simply takes time and patience. They also had to learn there were times in which parental authority did overrule their right to express their feelings. With Mr. B., I've taken the same approach, albeit with a little more baby-steps method. He will now say "no, thank you" rather than "NO!" and he has been taught to use "stop that, please" when he wants his sisters to quit teasing or whatever it is that's irritating him. Any rudeness in how he asks is usually ignored, and his politeness is rewarded. Granted, it's hard to be consistent, but it does work. I can't say it's all politeness and light in my household - after all, I'm living with a pre-teen and teenaged girls, but for the most part we manage to maintain some civility. Here it's do this or else. Daniel's 11 so he get's harder every year. He is worst with me. With school work it's a smiley or a sad face which he dislikes. I do insentives which work well with Daniel. The braum's for reading 6 books he got right on in 1 day. He loves to get stuff so this works for him. Well, the good news is this is an appropriate developmental stage, nomatter how much it makes you want to throw yourself out the window. 
The trick is to not ask any yes or no questions. That won't entirely stop the NOs or the control issues, but it will cut down on them. As mentioned above, choices are key: Do you want the blue shirt or the orange shirt? Do you want milk or water? If you give your kiddo lots of choices throughout the day for little things, they tend to feel more in control since they picked it. Also when my son was 2.5, I bought him a red t-shirt that merely said, NO. In big white letters. Parents laughed wherever we went--reminds you you're not alone, and brings back your sense of humor about it! you can get your's at www.babywit.com 
and don't worry, soon this will pass--only to eventually be replaced by an even more annoying phase.  That was J favorite word. I remember J would be doing something wrong and I would say NO and she would just keep on doing it saying NO! Another thing J would do. She would be running towards the light switch. I would say NO and she would run EVEN FASTER saying NO and turning it off and on. I think most kids go through the NO phase.T does not say NO word. I don't punish him with NO-word because it upset sets him so badly. That he has to be held after wards bec he makes breathing noises and shakes. Oh, amber waves, I am laughing my tail off empathetically. It took us awhile, but I didn't want to deprive ds of asserting himself. I love giving him choices, but when he felt like no was the only way to answer, we required no thanks. He has turned it into no please, which is super cute, if I say so myself. Now I just have to figure out how to not go crazy listening to Korban script an entire episode of bob the builder. I swear, if I hear "Can we build it..." one more time.... I heard no whenever I asked a question, even "Do you want ice cream?" I finally taught my son to say "yes" when he was around 3-1/2. I pointed out kids at preschool saying "yes" when the teacher asked them if they wanted something (like ice cream), so he started out saying the word in an exagerrated voice, but he said it! There are a lot of reasons for saying no. Maybe your daughter doesn't know how to say yes, like my son. Maybe she doesn't always catch the question, and thinks its safest to say no. Maybe it's genuine noncompliance. Consistently model what you want her to say and the proper tone of voice. Everything was a struggle when my son was 3-4 years old -- he didn't want his teeth brushed, clothes changed, you name it. It was exhausting, but it did get better over time. Looking back, I see that sensory issues were behind much of his noncompliance. Here's a checklist to help you identify any sensory issues that your daughter might be struggling with: http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processin g-disorder-checklist.html Good luck with everything.
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