My DS has his own rules that we are all supposed to follow. They are becoming more problematic as he gets older. Most of the time we know nothing about the "rule" until he starts into meltdown mode. An example....yesterday my DD's school had Muffin Morning with Family from 7-8 am. My DD, myself and my DS went. DS was growing more and more anxious as the sun started coming up and we were not ready to go. Getting into the van 10 min. later he went into full meltdown mode because it wasnt totally dark outside still and it HAD to be dark outside.
After the meltdown was over I asked him why it had to be dark to go and he said "it just does." No explaination, and he will never talk about his feelings. On ocassion he will explain why he is upset. I am blue in the face trying to explain why we have house rules that everyone follows, but other than that I am the mommy and I get to make other "rules" as to what we do, where we are going etc. I also explained when I make a "rule", (like we are going to the store, then check the mail, then home), I TELL him what we are doing. If he wants to make a rule he must tell me and we will discuss if it is possible to do.
This has had no effect, I dont think he gets it, no matter how often I explain it. This is becoming a huge issue in our home and my DH is not as sensitive to DS struggle w/ this. He thinks I just need to be harder on him, punish him or send him to his room.
Any suggestions? Comments?
How about using a different word like your "plans"? You have your house rules that don't change but you also have plans to go to the store etc?
I'm going to take a guess as to why it had to be dark, I bet someone at school said it was going to be very, very early when they had their muffins and he has equated that to being dark. He probably figures that by the time it is light there will be no muffins left or it will be over.
Jacob likes his rules too. But over time he has learned that we can't all follow his rules and he needs to tell me what his plan is before hand. I also go over the details of when we are leaving and when we will get there and what is going to be happening when we get there. Exhausting, I know but that is what he needs. God forbid I sleep in or we get delayed but he needs to know the time we are leaving. So now if we are delayed I give him an exact time that we are going and move my butt to get ready. lol
Have you thought about using a transition book and a visual schedule to help know what you are doing? It sounds like he is on a very set schedule and even little deviations set him off. It also seems like even if you tell him you are going to do something that he is not getting it and wants to be in charge of what is going on. I don't think punishment is going to help in this situation. Good luck. If he can understand this. I would be firm. I am the the adult ,you are the child and you will obey the rules of the house and school. You do not make your own rules up because you are a child. I've had to do the to J. (I don't want her making up rules and them getting in my way and taking up more energy.) This has worked being firm and putting a stop to it before things get out of hand. Good luck
Amber, I see in your signature they both have SID, what is that, I can't find it in the abbreviation list.
tiredASMom, SID is Sensory Integration Disorder.
T sets up arbitrary rules, too. Yes be firm ... but do not expect him to "get it," either. I think it is kinda obsessional ... you have to balance the firmness I think with some empathy. I always tell T I am sorry that that is not the way things work, even though SHE expects it to ... and explain why not. (Not convenient to family members, etc. and I try to keep things somewhat centered on potential negative consequences of following her rules, for HER) ... I treat it as a cognitive or perceptual problem more than a discipline problem.
Ah !!! Rigid rules... Rigid and Repetitive rules... How we as adults just want to take control of things and want things to be the way we want it to be...
BUT it is worth it??? To be firm... and to NOT FOLLOW their rules??? And bear with the MELTDOWNS and TANTRUMS that come with it...???
I couldn't stand it... so I actually gave in to my boy's "demands"...followed his rules... just doing it so that we can enjoy a peaceful ride in the car, or peaceful day in the house.
That happened from the time he was 5 yrs old. Among his rules would be a certain set journey over a few road humps (well, many road humps) before reaching home. That would mean an EXTENDED journey of 45 mins rather than the quick 15 min ride home. Add 20 mins for a busy day and travelling would more than TRIPLE !!! We would do that, and occasionally if I missed a turn, it would be back to the beginning of the journey and start all over again. TERRIBLE EARLY YEARS !!!
But as the years moved on, with Intervention programmes... with language and verbal abilities... with openness to change (in unforceseen circumstance)... THAT RIDE IS NO LONGER A RULE. We were able to CHOP OFF LITERALLY ALL HIS OLD RULES with regards to "going on that particular route" thing. The verbal exchange is still there... I still engage certain repetitive dialogue over certain parts of our present route... BUT NO MORE LONG RIDES !!!
Somebody mentioned about autistics being in their own world... so we may need to enter their world before we can extract them out of it. IT TOOK US 3 YEARS to get out of this habit... Good thing!!! Now that price of gas is shooting up !!!
Sarah is just now getting into this pretty bad~wants all of us to follow her rules no questions asked....I want it nixed asap so I am really firm and lay down the rule that things dont always go the way she wants and try to explain why..if she gets obsessional about it I warn her she will get a time out or take away a highly rewarded item/TV/computer..ect ..
....she may not get it but she stops the fussing (most of time;P) It concerns me me that she wants to control us talking, what we watch on tv..where we go..
I dont think for her a schedule would help her much..it isnt anxiety at all~she just wants to control everything on her terms which isnt realistic. My mama was better at "because I said so" rule but I am trying:)
Best of luck to you..it drives me crazy too..you are not alone:)
Sorry no advice but the visual scedule seems like a good idea. Maybe on the schedule you could have a pec with a picture of the sun as well so he knows when hes has to leave?
My son is the same way and one of our new dilemas is that I cant even go thru our new drivethru starbucks without him freaking out in the background because he wants me to go to the one in our safeway, which is the old one. So as you can imagine its pretty hard to order with a kid screaming in the background but hopefully hel get over it cuz im way to lazy most days to walk in and order especially when we have a new drive thru one!
His 'rules' get ALOT worse when hes anxious or upset about something. For example I cant even exit the parkinglot without him totally loosing it if i didnt go out the 'right' way.
Sorry hope you figure something out that helps i know how frustrating it can be!