which would you rather..
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I attend a special needs playgroup each week(2-3 yr olds) and this morning I was looking at another child who is so clearly more social and ahead of mine. I briefly thought, wow, wouldn't I love to have just a pinch of his social skills. Then I watched him throw a fit and realize that he has alot more behavior problems than my son. So, I considered this, would I trade my mild mannered easy going guy who is pretty much oblivious to others for a wild one who seeks alot of attention and seems to have a better grip on language(atleast understanding). I really couldn't answer because I would never dream of trading the way he is, however I was just curious as to what everyone thought. More skills-bad behavior issues? Less skills-no behavior issues? Well, you must be talking about my son!! I had mentioned this awhile ago about I would rather have a child that was more severe (less skills)----people got upset. Truthfully---I'm not sure. It seemed it would be easier to not have to handle the tantrums and behavioral issues. But my son is totally "normal" appearing----he talks, reads, has friends, etc. His issues are behavioral, can't handle frustrations or disappointments. Dh took him to his first Cub Scout meeting on Monday. He said he did great for about 30 min. It was disorganized and boys running around. Another boy took Jacob's seat. Jacob asked politely To think about how is now--I wouldn't trade him for someone with less skills. But at 2-6y-----yep! His behavior was so bad he was dx'd bipolar first before HFA. Physically injuring everyone---the psych, siblings, schoolmates, teachers, ME--while driving on freeways, etc. Very dangerous! He still has his langauge delays in expressive and social language---but everyone who meets him loves him!! (when he's having a good day). The bad behavior is extremely difficult to deal with at times but i wouldn't trade the skills for anything. I have to say though I'm not crazy about this type of mind provoking question. No offense sometimes i think its unfair to our children to question or compare their strenghts and weaknesses to other children. Carol We can all say that our lifes could be worse--or better if we had a different child, different car, different house, different hubby, etc. We all love our children completely!! No matter what skills our children have or don't have-----there are downfalls in both---skills or behavior, or langauge, whatever. If we think one would be better then the other---we know we are all kidding ourself! A child with less skills---would need more appts, therapies, etc. A child with more behavioral issues may need meds to function and lots of behavioral inventions/therapy. They are ALL a challenge and God only gives us what we can handle. I'm at check out with J., a lady has 3 monster kids, all around the same age. One is screaming bec. it didn't get this , 1 is climbing out of the cart and the other is climbing out the other side of the cart on to the grocery belt . The mother is screaming. She made me shake!! J is getting scared. The cashier and I are just looking at each with total shock. As I walk out the cashier ask if she could watch her kids better. Cashier said they made her nervice. Sarah has always been passive and hypo active so dealing with the other would be very hard for me..I am old and pretty passive and hypo active myself:) I have seen the opposite and would love to blend the two types somehow:P
What if your child has less skills and major behavior problems? Zachary has severe autism and has major behavior issues. Unfortunately they sometimes go together. I know many children with severe autism that have huge behavior issues, but I only know one child with severe autism that has no behavior problems. My ds is extremely hyperactive, is a runner, headbangs, hits, major meltdowns, to name a few issues. He is now 7 yrs old and none of his behaviors have decreased. Fortunately it's not a choice we will ever get to make. Although, the hardest thing is watching a NT child, especially those much younger, and seeing just how afflicted Zachary is.
Sometimes I think a mind provoking question makes you realize that you wouldn't trade your child and that the judgements/comparisons are really useless. I have five kids and I would be a huge liar if I didn't compare them to other kids once in a while. Its just honest human nature. What you do with that internal information is the test. My intention probably wasn't to get a clear and literal answer, more like realizing 'the grass in always greener'. I think I'm being punished now for the things I thought when he was younger. I use to think that I just wished he would act more autistic in school so they could see the side of him that we see. What is the saying, be careful what you wish for? It's been such a rough journey, but others would look at him and wish their child had the skills he has. I do think it's ok to say these things outloud because then you can get other perspectives. I remember the first time I said what I use to think, people thought I was horrible for wishing my child was worse than he was. I've come to realize from talking and thinking a lot about this, that what I really wished was not that he "acted more autistic" at school but that they would have the knowledge to deal with the needs he has. Its not so much the question , i guess i just feel guilty or like i'm doing my child a diservice to think about what i'd rather he be. Dpes this make sense??? [QUOTE=carolc8632]Its not so much the question , i guess i just feel guilty or like i'm doing my child a diservice to think about what i'd rather he be. Dpes this make sense??? [/QUOTE] It makes perfect sense, because I have felt those feelings a thousand times. I don't feel guilty wanting things to be different for my child. I think that 'wanting more' in general is what drives us to do more for our kids. It is the catalyst for the motivation to help them. Things change also. The way my son was when he was little is quite different then now. I could not take him anywhere for a few years. He was that child screaming on the ground because I didn't get him something, and he was that child who had to touch everything----hand touching all the products on the shelves and people---as he walked! He was that child who would beat the crap out of me in the store at 3 yo! I got the looks and even comments. At that time--I had no "autism" excuse---because we didn't know until later. Now---at 7.5y---he is the boy who gets compliments on being so helpful and kind. Especially polite. Every teacher and helper who know him, think he is awesome! I guess his good behavior shines over the bad. He is still the boy who acts very immature and has his hands down the pants and talks about poopy/potty stuff all the time. Haven't CUOP but I wanted to reply to the original question. 1. Obviously, we can't trade and none of us really wants to trade. 2. A thought on social skills/behavior. My son is a teen, so I've been observing this for a while. The kids I know who seem to want/need less social interaction seem to have fewer meltdowns/behavioral issues. The kids who crave social interaction seem to have more. My opinion on this is that kids on the spectrum who WANT to interact socially become immensely frustrated with their inability to actually GET it (whereas kids who don't crave social interaction are not living with continual frustration, so they are calmer). The social cravings of the kids who WANT social interaction are never or rarely satisfied. They don't quite understand why they can't get what they want, socially. The frustration builds up and they act out. In fact, I think that they live their lives with heightened frustration every minute, so any additional frustration (change in routine, mom saying no, etc.) just automatically pushes them over the edge. However, the desire to interact socially is what can bring our kids into the mainstream more fully. Still, negative behaviors can get them excluded. It's certainly a dilemma. We parents don't get to pick. However, both profiles present problems down the line. Lack of interest in socially interacting causes self-imposed exclusion. Alternatively, frustration with not getting desired social interaction, resulting in negative behaviors, causes exclusion by others. Clearly, getting social skills help (in each of these cases, the child needs different intervention) is key to becoming accepted in society. But the bottom line for ALL our kids is bringing them out into society and continually giving them practice with interacting socially, and feedback on how to be socially successful. Poor social skills, of either type, will keep our kids in the world of autism and exclude them from the larger society. |
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for him to move because that was HIS seat. The boy said "no" and that was the end of his involvement. Threw a fit and sat under Dh's chair and did not participate the rest of the time and never going again! (I did talk him into trying one more). If things don't go like they should (the rules)----(Jacob's rules)----he loses it. 