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Hi there, I too am new to the forum, and am very glad to be here. My name is Tamara, and my 3 year old son, Max was diagnosed with Autism September 2006. Last year was such a hard year for me and my husband, as I knew there was something wrong with Max. He wasn't talking at all, he made next to no eye contact, he was spinning toys and most anything, he would take off on me at the park to run the perimiter of the parks fence. That was all he liked to do, he would never willingly go on any of the equipment. At first, I knew this was strange, but really didn't know what to make of it, as we never had known a thing about Autism. I contacted the local children's hospital's speech therapy department who recommended I have him assessed for Autism. I tell you, I cried and cried! I don't recall anything else in my life being that devistating. My gut told me that something was wrong, and that is probably my best advice to anyone who feels that there may be something wrong with their child...To follow that gut. I think I was in a depression for all of 2006, but knew that I had to get over myself and move on to find help for Max. So, just before his diagnoses, we hired a Speech Therapist, who worked with him once a week. I went to biomedical meetings and learned a lot! Other parents have been the biggest support for me, and I am ever so greatful for them and for what they have taught me. I was just shocked at how much these parents knew! The one thing that they warned me about is...DO YOUR HOMEWORK! Read everything and assess what's best for your child. I never thought that I would have to do that, and it just seemed strange to me that I couldn't walk into the doctors office and just say...My son has Autism...What next? I thought they would tell me what to do and how to do it. I was totally overwhelmed at first and very scared. I thought, boy this is more than I can handle, but really...Once all of this sunk in, I felt that I really did know best. I was never one to do research or show a huge interest in anything medically, but I look back and think...This is the best thing that happened to me. I do think i'm a better and more interesting person for learning all I can. Max is now in Pre-school and he has come such a long way in a year. He is trying to say everything, but is not really talking yet. He will repeat when asked, but that is it for now. He is just our little champion, I am so proud of him. I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and he was given to us for a reason, and I am so grateful for that. I know that my husband and I had to moarn the loss of the son we thought we were going to have, but that just seems so far in the past. We are having so much fun with him now. He is interacting more, his eye contact is amayzing and his "stimming" has decreased so much. Max loves school, and is happy to be around other children. We are now wondering if we should have another child? My husband and I are in our late 30's early 40's. So there is a risk, but we've always wanted 2 children. Do we go for it? Or do we just do all we can for our son? Hard question, and I've been doing a lot of soul searching on that one. If anyone is in a similar boat, or have had other...Please reply, as I'm always interested in hearing another similar story. Tamara
Tamara, welcome to the Board. Me and my wife are entering the 40's. We had our 2 boys when we were in our mid 30's. The eldest Daniel is 8 yrs and autistic while Jordan is 6 yrs and normal (NT). We never had your situation where we knew the diagnosis of our older boy and having to deliberate on having a 2nd one, knowing the risks involved. Jordan was conceived after we had the diagnosis for Daniel. BUT after all these years so far... I must say that IT IS WORTH IT !!! Having a sibling for Daniel is really helpful in drawing him out from his own world. Jordan would always treat the brother like any other kid... talking to him, persuading him to play etc... In fact, Jordan understands Daniel better than Daniel's friends in school. At times, they can even conduct a short conversation which no other kid can do with Daniel. YET, in retrospect too, the early years were TOUGH !!! Having to care for a baby and having an autistic toddler was a handful... especially when the tantrums kick in. The situation will get even more demanding when we have TWO autistics... a situation that is higher in probability when we already have a 1st child who is autistic. SO, at the end of the day... it's the PROS and CONS that you and your hubby have to weigh through... What you mentioned about "doesn't give us more than we can handle" also rings true if your faith is in Him. If you trust Him enough as we do, then I'm sure you will be able to make the right decision. I'm sure many others can chip in with their own experiences. There have been several posts on this - you might want to search for something like "having another child". We also did not know ds' diagnosis before having our NT daughter. She has made the world of difference for our son and he has learned tons of social skills FROM HER. She has picked up some behaviors from him that I'm not thrilled about - but since he is in school all day now, I am working with her on more appropriate behaviors. It is a very personal decision and there is a greater likelihood that any future children could be on the spectrum and/or have other issues like learning disabilities. Having another child also forced me to not focus so much on everything my ds does and let a lot go. I think that has been very helpful for him not to be the total focus of my attention! And he is very protective of his little sis - and she is of him as well! That doesn't always happen, even with NT sibs, but we lucked out and I would not trade either of my kids for the whole world! Welcome to the board!There was a lot in your post I could relate to , the 'having to get over yourself' and the that whole steep learning curve you have in the beginning. Getting an autism dx did not chance the view on my son as much as my whole view of the world. And in my case too doctors in general have been less than helpful and 99% of what I learned has come from other parents. As far as having another kid - that is a frequent hot topic on this board. I am one of the parents who had two more kids before my son got diagnosed and they are NT. They are the best therapy for my son and they help putting my world and parenting skills (or lack thereof) into perspective. Had they not been NT - I would love them the same, I'd be happy to have siblings but I would probably also be a lot more broke and out of energy. And I believe statistically there is at least a 20% chance for subsequent children to be on the spectrum or have something like ocd or adhd. So whatever you decide depends on what you feel your family could deal with. There are a number of parents on this board who have 2 or 3 and one even 5 kids on the spectrum and all of them love their kids like crazy and find a way to manage. If it helps any. I am the oldest of 8 children. That's right eight and the only one on the autism spectrum. Welcome to the boards. I'm a mother of two very wonderful little boys, both on the spectrum. You have to ask yourself this question. Can you handle it if your second child is also on the spectrum? I know the percentages are something like 13% for a second child if the first is on the spectrum and 50% for a third if the first two are on the spectrum. Those are the correct percentages I think, but if I'm wrong, someone correct me. Sure 13% is a low number, but remember this...it affects your life 100% so are you prepared for a second diagnosis if it should come to that?Welcome to the board we are glad to have you here. I like alot of people on this board have two boys both of whom are on the spectrum. We didn't find out my first had autism until my youngest was a month old. I would say it has been a blessing having both children and I wouldn't trade either one. For us we were told our rates of having a second autistic child were high and if we had choosen to have anymore it would have been almost 100% because of genetics. I say if you are comfortable with it I would definelty have more. It all takes work whether they are NT, or ASD. Good luck to you and glad to have you here again. Hi,Just Wanted to say WELCOME,Glad you found this board ,It is the BEST!! About the wanting another child ,I have been there ,I made the choice to have more children,(With my first two, our first had spina bifida and we took the chance with our second) Best choice Ever Then Quickly got my tubes tide, Worst choice ever We adopted ds and then ds2 They are 6 and2.9,we are 45--50. Good luck with your decision ,Linda
Welcome! Your feelings and experiences with diagnosis and treatment etc are not uncommon here. You are in good company. Don't have to say much to get understood There is no right or wrong answer regarding more children. I can tell you what i would do--be open to receiving any little person God wants to send me. But I understand people who choose differently. May He bless you with wisdom as you make this decision!
Thank you all so much for your wonderful responses, and for the warm welcome. It is so nice to see that others are in the same boat, as at times I feel so alone. I can see that your children made you better people, as I think Max has done for me. I will take all your advice and concerns and weigh them even more, but the soul searching is the biggest thing I have to do. My husband is o.k. with just one, but is open for another one (he has his son.) I will check out the other threads on having more children after a diagnoses, as that may help my decision further. Thank you all so much for your kind words and support Tamara Hi and Welcome. As everyone said, the early years are difficult. Just educate yourself and you'll see the potential in your child is so great! Lots of hugs sent your way! Tamara I enjoyed your post and totally related as I am sure all of us here did when we first heard our child had autism..it is a profoundly life changing journey but full of miracles and joys you never dreamed of...our dd was 3 and nonverbal and no eye contact..no awareness of people...just content all by herself. She had 3 years of intense 1:1 VB/ABA and speech and just good ol common sense in her face using whatever tools, toys, gimmicks and tricks we could come up with to engage her and she is doing excellent in mainstream first grade with no supports and pretty indistinguishable amoung her peers. I would love another child but I just turned 44 and too old:P I see many parents have more kids and they become just a blessing for not only the child with autism but more kind and compassionate with other kids. Follow your dreams and have no regrets. I expect my child to have a wonderful life and yours will too!  You sound like a lovely person with alot of love to give - so I say go with your gut instinct on this. Hi there,
Thank you all for your kind words of support. I'm so glad I found this forum, as at times I feel so alone. You are all amayzing people, that give so much of yourself to your children and to others. I will go with my gut on having another child...I am a huge worrier, but know that what ever the decision is, it's the right one. I really see hope in this forum too. I see that so many of these children are still coping with issues, but are incorporated into the world just beautifully. GoJo 68, your little girl gives us all hope, as I too see my son mainstream one day. I also have very much embraced his differences. I like the fact that he is different. MiMom3 Thanks for your kind words as well. You both have beautiful children.Hi and welcome! I'm going to chime in on this thread, because I've never jumped into the "have another child" threads, since Don's adopted. My dh and I have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years, and are just now getting down to business with fertility investigations and treatments (the problems are on my end). I expect I'll get pregnant around Christmas, and so have a baby next September/October (geez, sounds lots more real when I attach a date to it!). It was a big decision for me to decide to go ahead and plan for a baby. Initially, we wanted a baby when we got married, had Don fall into our lives, and held off until things were stable with him. The most important factor for me in deciding I could go ahead with a baby was knowing that I can handle if I have a child with a disability, on top of Donny. I will be quite suprised if my child doesn't wind up somewhere on the spectrum - all the groundwork is there. LONG history of "quirkiness", "eccentricity", autoimmune problems, and bipolar disorder in my family. I fulfilled all the criteria for Aspergers as a kid, but have developed enough coping skills that I wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis now (although I'd no doubt get an ADHD diagnosis if I was evaluated). Looking at my family and extended family, I can't help but think that ONE of us is bound to have an ASD child, and, since I've got the most traits, it will likely be me... Anyway, I know that I can handle a second ASD child, and I really want a second child regardless. If my kiddo turns out to not have any disabilities, well, that's just a bonus Welcome Tamara! I enjoyed reading your story as I can relate to the hardships of getting the dx. We frequently talk on this board about the decision to have or not to have more children. I can't answer that for you but wish you well with your decision. I have 3 boys with my middle boy being on the spectrum. We didn't know about Anthony when I became pregnant with #3. DH and I would have had more children if we were younger even with Anthony's dx. Welcome to the forum! I was borderline depressed myself, the first year after our oldest boy was diagnosed, but luckily we already had our youngest and didn't have to consider autism when making our decision to have another child. In a way, risk statistics can be misleading, because if it happens to you, it happens to you 100% -- ie hits you with 100% of its impact on your lifestyle, finances, energy, etc. Lisa Jo Rudy of www.autism.about.com was lucky enough to get a personal interview with the Cold Spring Harbor researcher, Jonathan Sebat. Sebat said that the average risk for child number two having autism is 10%, but the risk is lower if it's the result of a spontaneous mutation rather than heredity/family history. If you have two kids with autism, the risk is up to 50% for male third-borns. Anyhow, anyone interested in reading more can go to: www.autism.about.com (Part 1) http://autism.about.com/od/causesofautism/a/newmutations.htm (Part 2) I also recently ran across a relevant study by Dr. Landa at Kennedy Krieger. That study investigated very early diagnosis (14 months), but you can also draw conclusions about risks because the study involved baby siblings of autistics. Thirty of the 107 baby siblings ended up with an autism label, either at 14 months or later at age 3. That is 28% -- which seems significantly higher than 10%. Problem is, we don't know if any of these baby sibs came from families that already had more than one child diagnosed. You can read Newsweek's report on that study here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19588967/site/newsweek/page/0/ Good luck with everything, whatever you decide. P.S. Here are two topics on our forum where this question was asked in the past. http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=19546&am p;am p;KW=Newsweek&PN=0&TPN=1 http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20680&am p;KW=newsweek&TPN=2 |
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.My oldest son passed away.and I was obsessed with having another child.(at 35).