Did I over react to my Ex-BIL comments?
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This past Saturday I attended my niece’s pool party. My dx son Christian (6 y/o) wanted to go into the pool but did not want to wear his swimming trunks. He hates when they get wet and heavy and stick to him so he started to take them off saying he just wanted to wear his briefs. He hates the inside lining that swimming trunks have so I cut them out and let him wear his brief. He was crying and carrying on because it was not my house and I just couldn’t let him wear his briefs only. The girls were in their bikinis and he said that they are wearing “their” briefs. He didn’t not understand that it wasn’t their underwear and he continued to whine. My sisters, nieces, even my daughter tried to coax him in the pool with his brief and trunks but he was still trying to take the trunks off and then my ex-brother-in-law asked me if I wanted him to go and get the belt and to see if he doesn’t keep it on after a beating. I couldn’t believe my ears. I just blew my fuse and asked him if he wasn’t aware of Christians issues and he dismissed me with an “oh please” and I told him that I did not expect that kind of talk from him. Well I just burst out crying and starting yelling “that’s why I don’t take my son anywhere and that people don’t understand that this is what I have to go through every single day with my son, and that he can’t help it’ and I started packing up our stuff to leave and then everyone was telling me to take things easy. Then my sister starts crying b/c she was upset that her ex- upset me and then Christian thought I was crying because he thought he’d done something wrong and he kept saying he was sorry. I ended up staying only because of my sisters and my niece. One of my other sisters was telling me that I need to learn to brush things off and that I can’t keep Christian at home all the time. Thank goodness my dad didn’t hear as he would have raised hell as well. Did I over react to my ex-BIL comments? I will never take him to pool party where I know he’s going to be. One of my nieces eventually coaxed Christian to go sit with her on the pool step and then he was okay after that and he quite enjoyed himself. Why are some people so arrogant and believe that a whipping is the answer. P*ssed me off royally! I felt really awful that Christian thought (and still does) that it was his fault I was crying even though I lied and told him I had a very bad tummy ache why I was crying. I do not think you over-reacted AT ALL! That guy sounds like a jerk and your sister sounds like she is better off that she is not married to him anymore! I probably would have gone off on him even more than you did. That is so sad about your son thinking it is his fault. He also sounds pretty intuitive to know that you were lying about your tummy ache? I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds like a few of your family members are more understanding - so I'm glad you have at least a little support. I hope today is a better day! Sending big hugs your way! I wish I could give you a hug. Not only was your ex-bil out of line, but he was suggesting child abuse. I think he should be ashamed and embarrassed, not you. I took my son out regardless of what others might have thought, but if my own family became abusive, and they did, we no longer saw them. It's sad that we can't always get our family to understand, but my son came first. I may have used my own belt on your ex b-i-l if it had been me...lol. You were human for defending your child. As for crying and "losing it," that also proves you are a human being and a loving mother. You handled it better than I would have lol. I would have packed up and left. I hate family members who don't understand and then try to give you "help". Spankings are not the answer.NO, you did not over react! No one has the right to threaten your child. It is good that you showed your son that you will take up for him. Even if someone does not understand our children's needs, even if they think they are "just being bad", they still have NO RIGHT TO THREATEN VIOLENCE! Your bil was being disrespectful of your son and you.  . Since you can't change his perspective of things, just enjoy your son, and who cares what he says or thinks!!nakama I say you did not overreact. Has he always been a jerk? If he is a jerk about other things, I guess one would expect he would be a jerk about autism. Too bad in real life we don't have the "Ignore Feature"... Is there any particular reason your son couldn't simply wear his briefs? He is only 6 years old... Peace.
No, you didn't overreact. Ex-BIL is obviously a complete idiot. Unfortunately, there are people like that out there. However, it's not the majority of people. You do need to keep taking your son out into real world situations. The majority of people you encounter will be nice, but some won't. I think you were right to stay and not let this jerk force you to cut short your time with your family. For future thought, I think it's that you should be pretty upfront with your sister that you are not comfortable bringing your son to events were ex-BIL will be in attendance. I think you handled it really well. You did not overreact. Just for your own sanity it might help to grow athicker skin. You ex BIL sound pretty ignorant and full of himself, maybe it would help to have a 'script' to say to people like that, something like "If you don't have anything nice to say, it's best to say nothing at all' One thing I have been thinking about as my son gets older is that he needs to learn to advocate for himself. What are the words I can give him to tell people and what do I need to model for him. Forget the stupid Bil but maybe you could sit down with your son and explain to him that he is okay the way he is and that you were not mad at him but that you were mad and upset with your Bil because he does not understand and respect that everyone is different. You want your son to walk away from this with an understanding that it was not him who caused a problem.First about the brief thing. How about going european or lets say swimmer mode and have him wear speedo briefs. They fit snug and they are what swimmers wear. About the belt thing, your brother in law is a jerk! Any grown man who makes a comment like that in public has some anger issues. If he ever makes a comment like that again, tell him that you will have to report him for making a threat against a minor. Tell him that there are a lot of cases where children with disabilities have been abused. Tell him that you are extra vigilant and that his behavior was not appropriate. You said ex brother-in-law. Thank god for that. At least your sister is no longer married to that jerk. Oooh I loved KayhyK's suggestion I also think that you did not overreact at all - as I would have been forced to take a belt to the EX- BIL - now Sorry that happened to you, and if you ask me, he was asking for it. I feel bad for your son, though. I would've let him swim in his underwear. (Sometimes you have to choose your battles.) Aww, Sharon No way. You did not over-react. Nothing wrong at all with biting back at little bit, its the only way some people get the idea to leave you alone. I say next time, bite HARDER. . How about BIL gets beat with the belt and see how it feels. BIL is sick, picking on a child. KathyK, You didn't do anything wrong. I'm glade I was not in your situation for your BIL sake.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I am still upset and my eyes still well up with tears as I remember this incident. Yes my sister is long out of that marriage thank goodness. My sisters are very supportive and one of them went online and ordered 2 of the Speedo type trunks for my son as soon as she got home. I have looked for them in stores locally but couldn’t find any. I cannot understand my BIL’s mentality when he/ my sister’s daughter was born with a very rare congenital spine disorder. It was her 14th Birthday party. She was born with normal sized limbs but a very short trunk and neck so she looks different. It’s a type of dwarfism and shame on him for not being tolerant. He is and has always been an arrogant SOB. Best I just keep out of everyone’s way and not torture my son. I’ll never forgive him for making my son feel like he caused me so much distress. I have never cried like that in front of Christian or anyone for that matter. He was quite frightened by the whole thing and I am sure he didn’t buy my tummy ache excuse at all. Even this morning he asked me if I’m mad with him. I haven’t explained to Christian about him being autistic why he has certain issues and go to ESE etc. I’m not ready for that conversation yet and I don’t think he is either but I know I will have to soon. Certainly, before he goes to 2nd grade. If I was at home, my son could have and does go in the pool with his briefs but people like my BIL think it is not appropriate and not publicly acceptable. He is only 6, what harm could it have possibly caused? The kids in the pool didn’t care and they have all been in my pool with Christian in his briefs. He is the baby of them all and they have all diapered him at some point or another. I also know I need to grow a thicker skin. I can’t help being defensive and ultra sensitive, especially when it comes to my kids and my parents. There is another pool party this weekend at the same home; my 13 y/o daughter can go with her cousins. I’ll stay home with Christian as I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut and then it will be war! Sadly, people like my husband, BIL, even other male relatives think a good hiding from a belt is what has kept them out of trouble. It is used rampantly in our culture but I have never been spanked by my parents and will not take a belt to mine. Yes, I’m a spare the rod mom, though I know I’ll regret it when he’s older. Best you to all… There was a thread recently on spanking and I don't want to start a flame war here. But, depending on your child - spanking doesn't usually work on our kids. They just don't get the connection between you hitting them and what they did. Some people use it if their child is doing something dangerous - like running into the street - to stop them from doing that. That being said - what your BIL suggested was not spanking. Like another poster said - it is child abuse. Why is no one else speaking up to him? GRRRR - I'm glad I'm not there. He would get a huge piece of my mind! I also agree with another poster that you should sit Christian down and let him know that HE did not make you cry - it was your BIL (and the fact that your tummy hurt - probably gotta continue that lie) who did. Make sure he understands as best he can that it was NOT his fault. He did nothing wrong. I'm sending more big hugs your way! show me were spanking teaches problem solveing/acconutability skills anyhow. To me it just teachs the eye for and eye approach. Rachael[QUOTE=snoopywoman]There was a thread recently on spanking and I don't want to start a flame war here. But, depending on your child - spanking doesn't usually work on our kids. They just don't get the connection between you hitting them and what they did. Some people use it if their child is doing something dangerous - like running into the street - to stop them from doing that. That being said - what your BIL suggested was not spanking. Like another poster said - it is child abuse. Why is no one else speaking up to him? GRRRR - I'm glad I'm not there. He would get a huge piece of my mind! I also agree with another poster that you should sit Christian down and let him know that HE did not make you cry - it was your BIL (and the fact that your tummy hurt - probably gotta continue that lie) who did. Make sure he understands as best he can that it was NOT his fault. He did nothing wrong. I'm sending more big hugs your way! [/QUOTE] Hopefully he was being more smaRT@$$ than anything ... but that was a very insulting remark. I do not think you were overeacting at all. You had every right to be angry, upset and offended. That remark was disgusting regardless of a childs level of ability. Hitting any one with a belt is abuse. LizThe guy is an ass. Next time ask if maybe you ought to use YOUR belt on HIM to see if he couldn't summon some better manners. Turn it around on him...my son's got autism and is SIX years old! What's your excuse for acting like a jerk? No you didnt overreact, I think its great you told that DA a thing or two, he is the one that needs the Belt. Glas your son ended up having a good time!!I can't believe your BIL would even care what your son was wearing in the pool. I mean he was still going to be covered up? Some people really have little in their lives for this to be an issue. The belt comment - totally inappropriate and No I dont think you over reacted. If we feel safe anywhere it should be with family.
Your sister's ex was so far out of line he wasn't even on the same planet. Sometimes it seems like nobody understands. On the one hand, there are the people who think parents like us don't set enough limits, and our kids only need a good spanking. On the other hand, there are the people who think we set too many limits, and our kids only need to get out in the world. Well, we know best what we can tolerate of stress and challenges, and what our kids can tolerate. I actually had to go through a class/support group for parents of special needs children before I could shrug off the feeling of being on stage all the time for people to judge. It was hard emotional work, but I eventually learned to feel confident in my own abilities as a parent, and just go into "professional autism mom" mode during escalation/meltdown. Hope things go better next time.
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