I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore
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| I haven't had my kids and have been contemplating my life a lot today.
I feel like I am sort of a "shell" of a person - like whoever the "real me" is has been lost in therapy sessions, diapers, IEPs, school drop offs, textbooks, getting dinner on the table, wondering around the grocery store and pushing my cart around like cattle in a line. I am feeling very empty all of sudden. I feel like a "caregiver" instead of a woman. I have been raising my kids since I was 19 years old. All of a sudden I feel like I am waking up and I don't know who the "adult me" is supposed to be? I don't try any new fashion things because I can't afford to. I can't really afford music I want to buy or to go see concerts (no one comes to Nebraska anyway). I don't like to drink (see my other post about how much "fun" I have when drinking  ).
I know I am a mother and I clean the house and I teach my kids all kinds of things. But I have no idea who I am. It is a very weird and empty feeling. Do you guys know how this feels? I don't want to get my "groove" back because the old me was a drinking, drugging, pot smoking emotional wreck. But I don't know who the "new me" is!((HUGS)) Is there any way you can get someone to watch your kids one night a week? I would recommend taking a night class at a community school. What you take doesn't matter just something you're interested in, cooking photography, ceramics, etc. I've taken sign language, sewing, belly dance and I'm going to take guitar in the upcoming term. They're not expensive and the classes aren't graded so there's no pressure there. It's a great way to get out of the house for a couple of hours and mingle with other adults in a non-club/bar situation and forget about being a mom for a few hours. I totally recommend belly dance, it saved my sanity and I've been hooked for a very long time now. 
Hope, you have mommy syndrome! I think it's even harder when you
started having kids as a teenager. Just so you know, I'm going through somethng similar and I'm 39! I think after the divorce, moving, changing my career, becoming a mother, living alone---I'm trying to figure out how I want to live my life all over again. I agree with taking a "fun" class. Think of something fun you always wanted to try, and just spending 1 or two days a week with other people doing the same thing can be fun, social in a mellow way, and really relaxing for your spirit. The more recreational and fun, the better! good luck! Also, i don't know if you are interested to hear about what astrology has to say about being 27, but it's been crazy accurate for all the women I know--and I'm not a big believer in astrology! I'll write more later if you're curious! I totally agree. Take a fun class girl. I'm thinking about going back to school for my masters, but before I jump off into that with both feet, I've decided to take some photography courses. The first one is basic black and white photography. I will get to learn how to set up a darkroom. I even have a little shed behind the house that I can use if I want to set one up at home. In the shed, the boys won't be able to get into the chemicals. I also love B&W photographs. It's something frivilous and fun I want to do. We've all been though it a time or two hope...and I hope the feeling of emptyness gets filled up with something you enjoy soon. You sound like you are at a major crossroad in your life. Have you considered that maybe God is trying to get hold of your heart? I have been there Hope. I had my first two children at 21 and 23....we waited tweleve years and had the second "set". Those in between years were very difficult. I felt like I never truly lived. I made stupid decisions and choices. I often say that my husband (7 years my Senior) helped raise me. Looking back, I am a completely different person. Not a bad different either. May you be blessed during this time with luck, guidance & Peace. |
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