A boy and his Wendy doll, part 2 | Autism PDD
It is not at all about it being a girl thing. She is limited to the house and is put away when we have guests. I am in no way trying to limit him because of this. We went round about this on here this summer - I think it is a good thing that he is trying to do a nurturing thing and always "rescue" her or comfort her - that is how he plays with her. He is her protector (for the most part). I think her silky dress is somewhat of a tactile comfort too.
He woke up at 4:30 a.m. this morning so we are in for a rocky day. I am not going to take him to sunday school this morning - probably not church either.
I like the idea of a shadow box - not sure if he would like it though. He might think she is "trapped" and needs to get out. But, if he were involved in it - it might be different. It might be comforting that he knows we're going to keep her in this box and not sell her. We've had garage sales, so this is a fear of his - that we will sell something he is very fond of. Even though I've assured him we will not do that over and over. I do understand that fear - I had it as a child as well.
This doll was originally his sister's. I didn't buy it for him - but ended up buying another one for my dd as she finally gave him hers as he played with her all the time. He KNOWS it is girly - which I believe is partly why he is having such a time deciding to give her up. He doesn't UNDERSTAND why it's girly - as he sees himself as some "Knight in shining armor" who constantly rescues Wendy. But, the twins down the street have told him it's girly - although they weren't mean about it at all. They are his best friends, so I think he is wanting to get rid of her for them, but doesn't totally want to. I have told him that as long as he just has her at night, I think he should wait until he is ready to give her up. I think he is almost there - as someone said.
Well, gotta get ready for church - THIS should be a fun day!
Maybe display Wendy in a shadow box, and have him draw a background, put in props, etc. Then he knows where Wendy is, but doesn't touch her. Don't hang it in his room, though.
Is Wendy a tactile comfort for him? e.g. soft clothes, hair? Can you find a replacement for that?
Actually, I have to say that as CRAZY as this makes you--you're son is
working this out in a healthy way (albeit repetetive and autistic-like...
)
I think your goal here is to find a way to end the crazy making night-time
routine--can you come up with some firm rules about the doll? Don't
make it about wendy, just make it about how he can't change his mind
over and over and over again.
Sounds to me like he's almost ready to give her up, but not quite. On the
plus side, totally NT kids go through the same type of imaginary push
and pull as your son is displaying (walk the plank, or snuggle) That's
exactly how younger NT kids work out their emotional issues in play
therapy. so, I actually say, COOL! and good-going kiddo!
But, yeah, the night time routine has GOTTA go!
(before someone
gets hurt
)I don't have any suggestions, snoopy, but I think you're on the right track. Sorry I don't have any helpful advice...
It's not petty...it seems like a pretty big deal to your son, after all.
Hmmm ....iffen it were me in your shoes, I would get rid of the doll!!! Does he KNOW the Peter Pan story??? Tell him Wendy flew off with Peter Pan to Never, Never Land!
Do this NOW, and stop going round and circles about it!! Just put Wendy UP somewhere for a looooooooooonG spell.
A therapist from CARD told me to stay away from AnyThing and EVERYTHING that is girly as our kiddos might not KNOW what is "appropriate" for boys vs. girls.
Be STRONG, Snoopy!!! Haaaaaang Haaaaaaang Hang ON Snoopy HANG ON!!!
ScReEcH
My son used to love dolls. I let him play with them and would now if he wanted to. He is now into all things boy and will fling his sister dolls around with a look on his face of "whats that thing?" I would say not to make it a big issue. He will work it through soon enough. It seems like he wants to be rid of it but is afraid at the same time as it was a comfort object for so long. Maybe he is going through some sort of grieving process.My son didi this with us too about vertain items. Drove us batty. We did thesame as you...took said item away and didn't give in. He quickly learned
that this game won't work with us.
However, perhaps a Peter Pan rook would be a suitable substitute?
Good luck!
Some of you may remember my saga a few months back where my ds has this "Wendy" doll (from Peter Pan) that he is very attached to. We have completely succeeded in having her relegated to being at home only - not even in the car. This is probably due to peer pressure from the twins down the street.
However, as a result - he now has a love/hate relationship with this doll. When he comes home from school, sometimes he wants to throw her across the room several times and "make her walk the plank!" Other times, he wants to snuggle with her for a bit.
At bedtime, this has become a nightly drama. He wants her near him, he doesn't want her near him. I spend some time in his room at bedtime talking with him and this last week, each night has ended in me getting so frustrated over this topic that I walk out. I do NOT like doing this and I don't like what it's doing to our nightly bedtime routine.
Tonight, I brought her up the stairs as he had left her downstairs. He immediately told me he did not want her in his room. Okay, I left her right by his door. He got ready for bed and then we talked. As I"m getting ready to leave, he wants to talk about Wendy and whether or not he should have her in his room. I told him (as I frequently do) that I don't care - it is up to him. He asks if he can get out of bed to get her - I say sure. So, he goes and gets her and hands her to me and says, "I don't want her." We have been imposing a rule that if he starts saying mean things about her, saying he doesn't want her anymore or trying to do mean things to her - that we take her for a week. We give him one warning (which has worked all week long - he immediately retracts what he says as he wants to keep her, but he is torn about it). Tonight I warned him - he handed her to me again and said, "You take her - I REALLY don't want her!" So, I took her and walked out.
Of course, he starts screaming that he wants Wendy over and over. I refuse to go back in (I am tired to death of this - it has been going on for over 3 months). Dh ends up going in and making sure he is all right - which, I'm pretty sure, just made things go on longer. I did not go in again and - an hour and a quarter after I initially tucked him in - he fell asleep.
I just feel like I can't give in on this - we have before because we know what a comfort she is to him. But, I honestly think he just can't make the decision to let her go and actually WANTS us to take her.
I think I'm going to hold tight to the "one week break" rule and see how it goes. I know he will be very upset, but this is just driving me crazy! I honestly don't care if he plays with her - but this going back and forth is making me batty. I have acknowledged that it's a hard decision when you think you might be ready to give something up. And, I have told him that if he wants me to just keep her for him, I would be happy to - I will not throw her out or sell her (which I know he is worried about).
Anyway, this is kind of a vent, but if anyone has any suggestions - I"m more than happy to hear them. I feel like I'm being harsh but I have given in so many times on this (because he just begs and begs for her back and I know she is a comfort object for him) that I feel like this time - enough is enough.
Sigh. I wish this were easier. It may seem petty to some of you - but this has been SUCH a bone of contention these last few months that I assure you - it is not a minor issue to us!
This kind of reminds me of Dooder. He is sometimes stuck between doing what his heart desires and what he thinks the rules are. For example, the other day was bear day at kdg. He took his beloved bear (we'd been talking up bear day since kdg started to get past having to take Teddy every day to kdg). When I picked him up, no Teddy! Well, apparantly, they didn't finish their bear activities and Teddy had to stay the night at Kdg. Well, he's had Teddy EVERY night since 6 mos. I asked him over and over and over again if he wanted to go to his class and get Teddy and bring him back the next day. He refused to get him, but it was a sad, sad night. I think he just didn't want to break the teacher's "rules", even though I'm sure his teacher didn't care.
My point is.... I think sometimes our kids are torn between what their hearts want and what they think is expected of them and it's hard for them to realize that it's not all black and white... that compromises can be made. Good luck! I think you are doing fine!
OH - that is so sad about his teddy! I think I would have gone in and asked his teacher to explain that he didn't need to leave Teddy overnight.
See, my daughter has a bunny that she HAS to sleep with every night. I mean, I would probably drive a long distance to get that bunny if we left him somewhere. We have back-ups that look identical (well, they used to - she won't use them so they look newer) - but she always knew the difference.
So, I guess I see this as going through a stage of development where he's not quite sure he wants to give her up or not. I remember going through a similar phase with giving up my blanket and sucking my thumb (I gave it up somewhere between age 4 and 5 my parents told me - but then I moved on to stuffed animals I slept with).
fred,
I guess we went one up on what you suggested. If he starts this debate - we just take her for the night and no debate. I guess that is getting "involved" but we won't go back in or give in for the night. That's what we ended up doing Saturday night and now, ds knows we will do that if need be.
Haven't had a problem the last two nights - knock on wood!
The twins didn't tease him about it - but they did ask him why he was playing with a doll because "dolls are for girls". That is when this whole debate started happening (a few months ago). We have talked about the whole "dolls/girls" thing and that some people feel dolls are just for girls, but I don't believe that. I personally really am happy to see this nurturing side in him come out! And, it's only with her - he doesn't play with dolls otherwise. And my daughter has several - so he has opportunity! It's that Wendy is from the movie Peter Pan and he sees himself as her "hero" and rescues her from the mean Captain Hook and is her protector.
You're right though - I probably need to completely dissociate from the whole thing if he starts trying to involve me in the debate again. Although, I think my just taking her has gotten the point across for now!
I would have talked to her if I could - but she was gone for the day.
Truth be told, I was pretty angry at the time. I'm sure Dooder isn't the only 5yr old in her class that was sad that night without their bear!
I think it's a tough age for kids - being torn between being little kids and being forced to grow up so fast! Good luck!
No time to read the intial posts or followups carefully, so forgive me if this is off target.
Snoop, I wouldn't let him jerk you guys around at night, but I'd leave it up to him as to whether or not he wants the thing at night - let him bring her to bed or shove her out the door as he sees fit - doesn't need to involve you guys. Evie does this all the time. She has several stuffed animals that she sleeps with, and sometimes, for whatever reason, she'll decide that she doesn't want one of the other with her in bed, or wants a new one, etc. She used to scream for us to help her figure out how to arrange anything. We just took a cold-harded supernanny approach to the behavior - had her arrange her own bed - and now, whatever she does, we're not involved and there's not this whole, elaborate ritual we're supposed to perform and we don't get caught up in her whole act. I can hear her up there getting out of bed, opening her door, walking around, etc - but it only lasts for a few minutes before she's satisfied.
I think peer pressure will eventually convince him to give up the doll. He's still so young, I wouldn't expect that anyone his age will tease him about it, and by the time they are, he might decide himself that it's time to move on from Wendy.
I think you BOTH handled that very well. I think that it is great that he has something that brings him so much comfort.
I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your son have the doll. It makes him happy, it gives him comfort, that's all that is important.
Thanks everyone!
I'm probably going to get crucified for this, but he has it back now. He woke up at 4:30 am on Sunday morning and was just crying to himself for his Wendy. We still have a monitor in his room which is the only way we heard it. I still didn't give in. But then when it was 6 a.m. (time to get up), ds came out of his room all dressed and ready for church. He very maturely said to me that he felt that he had thought it over and he still needs his Wendy for now. He might be ready to give her up soon, but just not now. He said he had a very hard time sleeping without her. He didn't whine, he didn't act mean - he stated it very nicely and (I thought) maturely. He said he didn't think he would sleep much at all the next week if his Wendy wasn't there.
Well, given that I don't think it's healthy for him to miss out on a minimum of 3 hours of sleep every night and that he is already experiencing a lot of anxiety at all-day kindergarten (he turned 6 in June, but we held him out a year from kindergarten last year) - well, I just didn't feel like we should add to that at this point. Not to mention that if he gets up at 4:30 all week we all would be very grumpy! I can obviously turn the monitor off (which I have done in the past) but just him missing so much sleep would have been very wearing on all of us.
So, for now - he has her back. I thought he was going to do the debate thing again last night - but I just gave him ONE look (a "Do you REALLY want to go there?" look) and he immediately stopped. The rule now is that if he starts the debate thing at bedtime then she goes away for the night. If he does it two nights in a row, it is 3 nights gone.
Other things he is into include pirates - Captain Hook, in particular. Which is where the Wendy obsession has come from. I don't find it unacceptable that he plays with her - although I have limited him to having her only in his room and not out at all when we have guests over. I also don't want to discourage him from working this issue through - but I can only take so much!
I think this is a big step for him to give her up. I should add that he has only had her since April - although it seems like a lifetime as of right now! One other thing he likes to do is have me "make her talk" at bedtime and he tells her a lot about his day. I've tried to transition him to talking to his Captain Hook doll about his day, which he has done - but he prefers to do it with Wendy. At least most of the time...
Anyway, I'm sure people are going to let me have it for letting him have it back and going against my word. How I phrased it to him was that sometimes mommies and daddies "over-react" (we have talked about this before) and daddy and I decided that one night was enough for him to make a decision about what he wants to do - so we decided that he could have her back. I did use her as a power card for Sunday School and church though (we DID end up going and he did awesome!) - if he was good in both, he could have her back right after. If not, he would not be able to get her back until bedtime and that wasn't guaranteed.
All right, let me have it people!
YOu did the right thing. It is a wonderful gift to give our kids (specturm or not) that it is okay for parents/adults to change thier minds after really thinking something over. Good luck I hope that he is able to resolve this soon even if it means he isn't ready to give her up.BTW I taught preschool for years and I have had many boys who like to play in the dress-up area. I am one who always encourage them to. One little boy loved our red slippers and pretended to be Dortothy from Wizard of Oz almost the whole year when he was 3.
i love hearing about this wendy saga, our copy of peter pan was scratched up at the babysitter's house, now i don't know what to do.
for this wendy problem, could you make her a bed out of a shoebox, maybe one of those nice new shoeboxes with a hole in it? then wendy can sleep in the box when he doesn't want her and sleep in his bed when he wants her.
seems like he is using wendy as an excuse to drive you nuts and get attention. maybe you could sleep easier if his attention is focused on putting wendy in and out of the box.
my son was having fun putting nemo, a chinese torture device made to look like the disney character nemo, in and out of a box for bed. by having nemo go to bed, my son had to turn off his noisemaker, which is an extremely loud song, probably wouldn't be legal for sale in the USA, but who wants to hear all this...
good luck with wendy. maybe you can buy her a dolls bed and blanket too.
I went in this evening after he fell asleep (I had a meeting and I always go in to check on the kids when I don't get to put them to bed). He was on his side with his blanket wrapped around his Wendy and he was holding her close to his chest. He is not ready to give her up and I am glad I made the decision I did.
I taught pre-school the year before my ds was born and there was one little boy who LOVED playing dress-up as well. He was from a different culture and I thought it was very cool that he liked doing that and I immediately quelled any of the little girls who tried to tell him that the dress-up stuff was "for girls". Interestingly none of the boys did that!
The odd thing is that when ds was a baby, I did buy him a doll and he had no interest whatsoever. This is not about her being a doll though - it is totally about her character in the movie.
I do like the idea of a shoebox - gotta find one big enough - she's pretty long. I think ds might like the idea as well. It won't hurt to give it a try at least!
Copyright Autism-PDD.net