I just wanted to say welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with such a painful dilemma.
I agree, don't feel guilty. But I do recommend, if you haven't already done so, condsidering having your son see a therapsist to help work through his emotions.
We have a similar situation in my family. My sister married a wonderful man 4 years ago who has full custody of his now 13 year old son, M. M's mother is an addict who flakes in and out of the picture unpredictably. When M was younger, he used to get upset ("sad" upset) when his mom wasn't around for key events, holidays, etc. When my sister joined the family, they all (her, her dh and new stepson) all attended some family therapy together to help M make the adjustment. Things went really well and they started going with decreasing frequency to the point where they were eventually just checking in every few months. However the therapist predicted that in a few years, when M became 12-13, to not be suprised that they would be back as M started to deal with different emotions around his mother. The therpist was absolutely right. About a year ago, M stopped by "sad upset" that his mother wasn't around and started being "angry resentful upset" that his mother wasn't around. As M matured, his emotions matured, and very strong feelings of anger started to emerge. They've been working through it with their family therapist but it's long journey.
Your son did the right thing to protect himself. Be proud of him
I hope you can help me with some advice on a rather sensitive subject.
I have a 12 year old son who has autism, though he is considered to be high functioning becausee of his intelligence and photographic memory, he also has a severe anxiety disorder and OCD. -
My son's father has not visited him in almost 4 years and has not had any contact what-so-ever with him by any means (phone, letters, email etc) in nearly 18 months.
Out of the blue, for my son's birthday, his father sent a typed letter that said simply he was sorry he had not been in contact for quite some time and that he would try to change that in the future. For now he asked my son to email him and claimed he would email my son back. (been there, tried that, didn't last)
My son became very upset over this contact. Typically in the past something like this would cause my son extreme distress, he wouldn't be able to sleep, would wet his pants, and would refuse to leave my side. It also hurt him because he is quite literal and believes what he is told, and his father would tell him to never forget he loves him., and my son would think *this* was a father's love. (His father left when he was 4.)
After the recent contact, my son had a meltdown of sorts and then he just *snapped* He asked to email his father (which I have never denied him any contact with him) and he typed an email saying he never wants anything to do with him ever again, to leave him alone, and it would be the last email he ever sent. I asked my son several times if he was sure he felt this way. If he was sure he really wanted to send this email. If he wanted to save the email to let himself calm down and see if he still felt this way later in the evening or in a few days from now before sending the email. My son insisted he wanted to send the email and that this was his honest feelings. He then clicked "SEND"
In some ways I feel this was good for my son to stand up and state his feelings. In other ways I am concerned about him having done so.
Have any of you delt with a situation like this with your ASD child where a parent has not had contact with the child for extended periods of time and then tried to resurface? How do you help your child handle it? Should I encourage my son to try to repair the relationship with his father? or stay out of it? or back him on his feelings?
BTW His father was well aware of his diagnosis when he decided to leave. He was informed by my son's therapist of the need for predictability and consistency to which he ignored. The father has not participated in therapy of any kind nor has he participated in any school meetings or evals. Though I have given him plenty of notice aboutthem and opportunity to do so. The father was also court ordered to meet certain minimal contact requirements to which he has not followed in 4 years.
Additionally, my 2 girls (one who was adopted by my son's father) did not receive any letter from their father. (though the letter was sent for my son's birthday)
Any comments / support / advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance
I have no empathy or respect for a man who completely abandons hisI am kind of going thru the same thing my self right now. I am 25 years old and my father walked out of my life when I was 14. When he did this he moved from Connecticut to Arizona. He was never much of a father so at the time I let my hate and anger get me thru it. I have never wanted anything to do with him after he left. I never talked to him (even though he tried to talk to me) I wouldn't see him, I basically acted as if he didn't exist.
About two weeks ago I found his e-mail and sent him a thank you note. He had sent my son a card and birthday present and my wife and I a house warming card. I was just trying to be polite but now we have been e-mailing each other almost every day. We still havent talked about why he left but I'm sure I can figure it out. I am still mad at him and will never forget the hurt that he caused.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is good that your son is showing his emotions. Don't push him into doing something that he doesn't want to do, but you must let his father know how much he hurt his son by walking out on him and that maybe in time your sons heartbreak will heal enough to allow them to have some what of a relationship.
Your son is old enough and high functioning enough to benefit from "talk therapy" with a counselor. This situations, no matter what you decide or what his father does, is going to be hard on him. Not because of autism (tho that certainly complicates matters) but because he understands that part of him is his father. That is a fact that cannot be changed. And the more his father is not nice, the worse it feels to have a biological connection with him. However, that connection is here to stay, so your son needs help in dealing with it. Simply forbidding contact exacerbates the problem because the more your son sees his father as "bad," the more he will worry about that "badness" being a part of him, too. Even if he can't articulate this, it's something that worries most kids whose fathers are not living with them. I'd suggest you get him to a counselor to sort this out. If you must make a decision before he can get counseling, I'd err on the side of allowing him to see his father. The last thing you want to emphasize is how bad his father is. That will only make him think worse of himself over time. He's a bright boy. His not a baby anymore. With counseling, contact with his father will allow him to come to HIS terms about this. Even if he doesn't want to see his father now, you should allow and encourage some sort of contact so that your son will eventually be able to be at peace about his father.Thank you for the warm welcome and the replies.
I have had my son as well as my girls in therapy for several years.
My oldest daughter (whom my ex adopted) has had nothing to do with him for several years and my ex has tried to rub it in her face by excluding her from going out of state on a visit rather than asking her if she wanted to go.
My youngest daughter I just wanted to clarify is his biological child as well. She was just a year old when he left.
Once again, Thank You
Welcme to the board.
My husband has been a teacher and a coach for many years( both on the high school and college level) . One of the things that has alarmed me has been the number of students that he has come into contact with who have had a parent abandon them. I don't think the abandoning parents have any clue as to how this affects their child growing up. It is really sad.
I think your son did the right thing.
This would be painful stuff for any kid. My parents divorced when I wasI've had this issue with my children. One of my ex's only recently came back into his child's life after a decade hiatus, another is in contact with her half-sibs from his first marriage but not with her, and has sent her the "my little angel, etc., etc." letter last year, but has had no contact before or since in her 9 years of life - he abandoned us shortly before she was born.
Each developmental phase brings changes in how they cope with the anger and grief. As they've gotten older, it's something we've had to revisit several times, and I've allowed them to express it however they feel helps. I've periodically sought counseling or play therapy to help them express their feelings and get through them. The stance I've maintained throughout it all was that their father's behavior was and is NOT in any way their fault, nor does it have anything to do with who they are. Their fathers made their own choices for their own reasons, with little thought to it's impact on anyone else, including their children. My comment to them is that their fathers love them, but not necessarily in the way that they need it, and that is not on them...it's on their dads.