Socially odd behavior -do you coach ? | Autism PDD

By the way there is a reason that I was usually averse to the "Here's what people might think of you doing that" routine, but I'm not sure that I know how to explain it.

I viewed it as one of those things that adults used to soften the blow that I'd done something wrong again. Even though I was often unable to understand the explanations I was given, I had long since come to recognize the increasing hesitance that came when people were trying to tiptoe around me being in trouble rather than just saying it. It wasn't that rare that I would therefore start freaking out the moment I heard the first word, regardless of what that word was.

Plus the explanations rarely made enough sense to me for me to be able to apply them in any way, so if I learned anything it was that I was doing things wrong but I wasn't sure what or how to avoid them or even why they were wrong, and the explanations were beyond my comprehension level at the time.

gtto --

I think my son probably reacts in a similar way. Sometimes he'll go up to a classmate, and after the interaction I'll say he "should have" this or that, and it seems to really come out of the blue for him and burst his bubble. I mean, he's probably feeling good about interacting with his classmates, and then I come along and say he missed some social cue and make him feel all insecure about how he experienced the interaction.

I'm learning to be more careful about what I say, and when.

FYI: There's a book we're using for coaching called, "The Social Skills Picture
Book." It has little thought bubbles so kids can *see* the situation and learn
what someone may be thinking but leaves unspoken. Interesting book.

Personally, he sounded very mature. I would be proud of him.

I feel for you, those types of situations can leave an uneasy feeling in you. I'm also finding that just about everything regarding social behavior needs to be taught, Its tough because you run into situations which you never would have thought needed coaching or modeling such as yours.

This is a touch one because his response was so specific but i would start by explaining its not always appropriate or never appropriate ( if thats your opinion) to discuss your inner feeling to a stranger in a store or otherwise. And also its not really appropriate to talk about money with strangers.

I may be offbase but just my opinion.

I don't know how I got this on the wrong thread, this board is very confusing, edit to remove

tsnw39358.775

I LOVED his comments, too! But ... maybe they were a bit too frank and precocious?

I agree about getting social skills into his IEP -- our school's program is working wonders on my daughter. I cannot believe how resposnive she is to a bit of coaching, in fact!

heh, funny, sounds like he was more advanced then me at that age! Ya, thats a rough 1, Once when I was 12-13 somethin like that me and my dad were at the a hair cut appointment and while I was waiting for him to get done I made comments similar to your sons, telling the lady cutting the hair that I wish I had that $$ she had in a galss jar on the counter, apparently a tip jar?! And that perhapse she had to much makeup on. Of course im sure my dad was embarrassed, but could say nothing at the time. Once we had left he yelled at me, telling me that was wayyyyy inappropriate.

I must say it did not happen to often by then, on occasion, a little worse at a smaller age, id work with your son a little bit, i bet in a few short years itll hardly be an issue.Although I agree with what your son said, you are right, It will not be cute at 13. My son is 14 and is still having trouble with speaking his mind when he should just 'think it in his head.'Thank you for the replies. I know that this was not a 'big' issues but
sometimes I know less what to do with the grey areas than what to do
with the things that are much more obviously inappropriate or safety
issues.
There is one important think I realized reading your replies: My ds is very
social and always approaches people and kids. Just not in socially
appropriate ways. This was his version of small talk. He will also go up to
kids he does not know and give them money or tell them the squareroot
of 144. He will go up to anyone anywhere. I have been working with him
not to approach adults he does not know but he really really wants to and
gets very anxious - I think he orients himself by talking. So what we really
need to practise is how to make 'small talk' with people we don't know.
Maybe we can start out with some standard phrases he can use. Wow - what a great, expressive child. I would probably coach after the fact, but I would first bring up that I was proud of him for trying to stand up for others and himself. Because he was upset that other people couldn't afford things in that store - which is awesome when you think about it - he is definitly able to take on some people's perspectives (just not the store clerk's). Then you could talk about how it is not the store clerk who sets the prices and the place probably isn't meant for people who can't afford those things. But that its' a shame that it isn't. And then talk about how we can't always say everything we think - and also go with the talk to you first before deciding if he should say something.

I could see my son thinking and expressing similar thoughts, but I don't think he'd know to ask for the manager in charge.

If this happened to me, I probably would have said something like "maybe she can just mention it to the manager for you later, honey", said goodbye to the clerk and left the store. I would definitely have talked to my son about his thoughts and feelings, and give perspective. I might also hint at how others might view him, but I'd have to watch my step.

Whenever I try to point out how others might view him, my son gets angry or hurt. He often reacts full of principles like "it shouldn't matter" (for example, it shouldn't matter to his classmates that he has some breakfast on his face because he didn't wash). I feel like I really have to pick the right moment to talk to him about stuff like that. He is seldom open to hearing it, so I have to do it at the right time and in the right way, or it just makes him upset without actually teaching him anything.

The thing I would focus on is that if he has a problem with something, he should talk to me first (or whichever grown-up is in charge of him at the time, for example a babysitter or teacher) then we decide together what to do about it. Problems with another kid he can try to handle directly first, and come to the grown-up if he needs to.

Just my thoughts.

I went with my ds to a museum exhibit today (and he was not as
interested as I had hoped).
We checked out the museum's store as we left and my ds walked up to
the counter and asked for "The manager in charge". The lady said 'Well,
what do you need?' and he said very seriously: "I just wanted to let you
know that this is a very nice place but you do not have many things
people can afford. The store also gives me a really sad feeling in my heart
and I do not want to buy anything here."
They looked half puzzled and half amused and looked at me for a
reaction.
I am never sure what to do. Never mind what people think but should I
use these opportunities to talk with my son about why people might feel
this was odd? Should I just let it go because this is who he is and he was
not inappropriate and being odd is not a crime after all. My fear is that he
is seven and people still think it is cute but once he is thirteen I have a
feeling people will be mostly put off.
By the way this story makes him sound much more precocious and
composed then he usually is - usually I worry about him hugging
strangers. But in situations like this do you do some coaching or do you
just let them be?My first thought was "My sentiments exactly!" He took the words right out of my mouth! However, I do know that it must have been awkward for you and not knowing what to say to him. Honestly, maybe just letting him know that it is not always appropriate to speak our minds. It is okay to feel those things but it is not okay to say them. (If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all). I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I believe that is how I would handle it, and I wouldn't even make a big talk out of it either, I would just interject it and use it consistently everytime he has an inappropriate social occurrence.I'd agree with the coaching! I know from reading your posts that you have had plenty on your plate with the whole school issue but hopefully if you don't already have some solid social skills goals written into your child's IEP you can get them listed there. Then work with your SLP or Sped teacher on social skills strategies that can be used at school and reinforced at home. People like Carol Gray, Jed Baker and Michelle Garcia Winner have some materials you might be interested in. If your child is smart enough to articulate what he did he can probably do a good job learning better social skills. I think you are smart to think about this right now and not wait until it becomes more problematic for him later. Good luck!That is tough -but yes, I'd try to coach him. I think what rubyruby said above was spot on...

He sounds very verbal and connected - which is, of course, wonderful (though, I imagine it doesn't always feel that way, LOL).