What do women want? | Autism PDD

My husband is an excellent - father and husband - he is very good with our son and is a SAHD- I work full time! - I really appreciate him and all that he does for us
Having said that if I could wish for more - I would wish for

more hours playing with R
sharing in more of the chores around the house -- I sometimes feel like I just work work work all day

Well, when there is a stay at home mother, many times the men come
home after a hard day at work and don't want to help out because
"They've been working all day" guess what, SO HAS YOUR WIFE! give
each other a little break, take turns sleeping in on weekends etc.---but
guys-you have a job at home now too. your days of kicking it in front of
the TV are over now. Sorry.

Personally I hated being the only one doing all the research, reading,
preparing for IEPs---I never signed up to do that job alone. Dads
shouldn't rely on the moms to get all the info. Doing it together and
discussing all things related to your child's medical needs, educational
needs, and interventions is IMPORTANT. Your spouse will feel alone,
overwhelmed, and
possibly very resentful if you do not get on board.

Being a good provider is WONDERFUL. But don't neglect other aspects of
family life. Be emotionally present. Make autism a FAMILY issue.!

Oh yeah, don't feel alienated for being one of the only Dads at all the
meetings! You are a stand up guy and a model for all dads to aspire to!!
Keep showing up!!!! Think of your feelings of "not fitting in" as an
opportunity to grow more empathetic to your child with an ASD.

We definitely don't need the dads looking at us like we're crazy and overprotective. We get enough of that from everyone else.

Of all people they should believe us and know to trust our "gut instinct"!!

Get on the same page as your wife and support her....ACTIVELY!

Hi, Max's dad here. I am about to launch my website and one of the pages is the husband's/father's club. The aim is to get father's more involved in their wives and children's lives. What I would love, is to get some feedback from all the women on this site. I have to be honest, sometimes I feel alienated in the autism community because I am a man. Autism has become the mommies crusade. I know first hand, how difficult it is when one parent ends up doing most of the work. I want to open the lines of communication and get the men more involved. But, I need your help. What are your men lacking in? What would make your lives more bearable?

Sincerely,

Daniel

Hmmm...Max's Dad...interesting question. I really can't complain either. My DH wakes both of my younger ones every morning by 7...feeds them...dresses them...makes sure the older ones catch the bus.....drops Liam off at school....picks him up three hours later....comes home...feeds little ones lunch....gets a shower and goes to work. I get home two hours later (Grandma babysits). He also does deep pressure massage twice daily as well as brush therapy (he began doing these for the two year old as well due to jealousy). He usually finds time for flashcards and a story, as well. He calls me everyday while I'm at work and he puts the kids on speaker phone. It always sounds like Daddy Daycare.

BUT...he never met a load of wash he likes, rarely notices dust and somtimes is not aware if my 14 year old is home or at his buddy's house two doors down.

So, in a nutshell, I can't complain. In fact...due to your post, I realize (and have not for a while), what a great man he is.

Thanks.

OOOH dont get me started! JK:)

I felt very alone in all of Sarah's therapies, research and even in raising her and engaging her. He never wanted to read, hear or play with her. I am only assuming it is because he didnt know how to engage a child that wouldnt acknowlege him or look at him at all...as a mom I played with her anyway and it didnt keep me from her~quite the opposite:)

His life carried on normal with concerts with his brother and b/friend...happy hours and company parties while my job ended (nurse) and spent over 30 hours a week of ABA and speech therapy for her and online more hours than I can count looking for answers and help for her...

I also never felt appreciated for all the hard work & sacrifices made for trying to help her and maintain the house, laundry, cooking, groceries and caring for a child that needed total care. Each room in home became a therapy room and I lived and breathed autism and defienetely needed a break or even a pat on the back but it actually made us more distance from each other to where we could no longer talk on the same page about nothing. Plus he has an ocd thing to control everything regarding money and the home..my opinions..ect..so we are divorcing...nothing to do with dd having autism...been coming on for 10 years.

I think a little respect & just listening sometimes, pat on the back and appreciation would of went a long way for me...I just never could get it.

I wish my husband was more supportive and involved with whats going on with his son. He dosnt really listen to me when I talk about things that have to do with our son especialy concerning autism and it drives me nuts! He also dosnt do anything around the house altho If I tell him hel take out the trash but mostly hel put it off or totally forget (he has a really bad memory). I also would like him to be on our side and not against as I feel alot of times he is or he just thinks im over-reacting or my son is just being dramatic but yet theres times he asks me why does he have to act like this? It pisses me off! I would like him to play with him son more and have quality time together WITHOUT me once in a while and appreciate when my son actually seeks him out. Lots of times hes just zoned out on the couch and dosnt hear you talking to him and it really upsets me when he does this to my son! Also he seems oblivious to problems were having alot. But im going to stop now

But ill have to say it may sound like my husbands a horrible person he isnt. I love him and hes a very loving and caring person and will help out if I ask but seems to get distracted too easily and I CANNOT deal with it certain days! Its really frustrating.

My husband is pretty great too, I do wish he was more interested in autism though. I do all the "autism stuff" but he spends a great deal of time with the kids and does pretty good with house work too. He isn't interested in reading about autism or coming to things with me, but apart from that we are all good.

just had to add that 90% of the time I do have to ask for things to be done..
Allegra39347.8003472222Most definitely the research aspect. For him to sit down and spend an hour reading a book or a website or studying up on things I bring up like a special diet or vaccinations, would just blow me away. It'd also help greatly to have another opinion that is somewhat educated when making big decisions, instead of me reasearching, going over all the options with him, etc.... Beyond that, I have no complaints. [QUOTE=snoopywoman]

Well, I for one have an awesome husband. Is he perfect? No. Am I perfect? NO! We both have issues we try to work on that the other would like improved. I have just decided that doing all the research and talking to professionals is my job - dh just simply does not have time for it and he trusts what I do - why do duplicate work, I guess? Especially since I'm good at that and have done all the legwork.

That being said - I would like more alone time with dh. This isn't his fault - it is just a matter of life. We are both exhausted at the end of the day and often need to just veg out alone. We're working on this as well.

I would love for dh to do more around the house. Although, most nights he makes dinner as that is the rough time of day for both ds and dd - so I take care of them while he makes dinner.

He also supervises baths for both kids and always reads stories to one of the kids (while I read to the other) each night.

All in all, I can't complain much! [/QUOTE]

Snoopywoman - did we marry the same guy? You just said exactly what I would have posted, with the exception of the making dinner part. I tend to do dinner while he keeps the kids occupied.

My dh does do quite a bit around the house - when I point out to him that something needs to be done. Most of the time when he doesn't do stuff it isn't because he thinks I should do it, he just doesn't see it!

Oh - I think we might have married the same guy, kristys! Because if I point stuff out to him - he is more than willing to do it. But somehow, he just doesn't see the dirty laundry on the floor or the fact that when he tried to "shoot a basket" toward the garbage can - that it missed!I personally have to edit stuff for my husband when it come to therapies for
our son. Other wise too much information leads to overload of the brain.

99% of the time, it is the Moms who are in charge of the decision making
when it comes to deciding on specifics of therapies for our children. That
being said my husband will back me up most of the time and he works a lot
of hours so we can pay for these therapies.

I do wish that my husband would research more about current studies
involving autism so all the burden is not left to me to forge forward with
what needs to be done. I am like LeAnne that I sometimes want to be like
the other PTA Mommies. Not going to happen.

I would love for dh to do more around the house. Although, most nights he makes dinner as that is the rough time of day for both ds and dd - so I take care of them while he makes dinner.

He also supervises baths for both kids and always reads stories to one of the kids (while I read to the other) each night.

All in all, I can't complain much! Glad to know you're planning on starting a new board - but I hope you don't feel that this one is not welcoming to you. We have several men on the board who are fairly actively posting. And hopefully they feel welcome and I hope you do too!

Occasionally say how much it means to him that his autistic child has such a terrific mom and fierce advocate. To say how proud he is of his wife and his child. My husband does this from time to time, and it means the world to me.

I'd rather just be selling gift wrap like the rest of the PTA mommies! But advocating, learning, building social stories, coordinating with teachers, etc. is the part time job you are saddled with, like it or not.

Bully for you, guy, for doing this for your and our kids! Fired up for ya!

As men, we are selfish, much more so than women. We are involved in our own world, we are babies when we are under the weather, we demand our alone time (or sports time or time with the guys time) yet do not remember our wives need it more than we do. We help around the house, only when asked. We 'forget' the rest of the time. We listen in great detail to the political debates, yet go to the grocery store for dw, forgetting why we are there. We want sex when we want it, yet do not always remember to make love, for it is about love, not sex. We support our wives in the autism battles, but rely on her totally for all and any info, certainly not reading ourselves about it. We need to change these things!

Thank you all for your replies. As I read your answers, I am reminded of my role with my son and what part I have played in raising him. In some cases I am guilty as charged and in others, I am the one feeling frustrated. I don't remember, if ever, sleeping in on a weekend. I let that be mommies time. I love to take him out on the weekend so my wife can sleep in. When the site is up, I'll let you all know. They say the divorce rate is 80 percent among families with autism. I don't think the autism is the main problem in most cases; it's the deciding factor. I think most men tend to be selfish in relationships and tend to be far less nurturing. Thats why they are not equipped to deal with autism. For me, the one thing that helped me with Max was to shower him with love. Anyway, I hope to get men (struggling with the whole autism thing) to see that having a child with autism can be as rewarding if not more rewarding, as having a typical child.

Thanks again,

Daniel

The things that I appreciate the most from my husband are:

1) That he is totally on board in playing the �bad cop�. I don�t mind doing the research and going to all the meetings (he does do some too), but when I hit a wall, I tell him I need him at the next meeting, and we rehearse what he has to get across, and he is the pushy, problem parent. He knows that I am a people pleaser and that it is hard for me to cause a problem, I do it when I have to, but I really appreciate that he is willing to do it most of the time.

2) When my son was little, I stayed home with him. Since I was the one doing the reading, and going to the meetings, and doing the therapy, I appreciated when my husband did not second guess my ideas about what would be best for our son.

3) My husband rough-houses with my son. My son likes rough play. When he was little, I could meet those sensory needs, but now that he is bigger, I can�t. My husband wrestles with him and generally �roughs him up� (which my son loves).

4) I appreciate when my husband listens to me vent (and not just about my son).

5) I appreciate when my husband celebrates with me (even over the tiniest thing). It is so great to have someone to call who will understand how great it truly is that my son responded to his name or said hi to a friend.