When people don’t believe you!!!!! | Autism PDD

OK i just had to get this off my chest. I have a neighbor whom I have hung out with a few times & I think is really great. She is a fellow single mom & started a support group for single moms in my area. The only thing is, she has mentioned several times that she doesn't think my son has Autism. She is a graduate student in Speech Pathology and she keeps telling me how she has never seen a child with Autism who acts like my son, ect ect. It has basically ruined, at this point, the potential for me to feel like she is a friend & this makes me sad. I do not know if she realizes what she is saying hurts me, but it truly hurts that she would imply that I am making all this up or something!
I am not the kind of person who goes around looking for attention - in fact I am quite the opposite. My son has had Special Education since the teacher came to my home when he was 2 years old! He has had TWO years of Special Ed preschool, private intensive speech, behavioral, and occupational therapy. He is on Melatonin to just get to sleep at night. He can't even brush his own teeth. And while he is in a regular ed classroom, he has a 2 to 1 Teachers Aid AND is pulled out for speech, OT, and to work one on one with his Special Ed teacher. Ok I could go on and on here but you guys get the idea!
He has constipation, food problems, had eye surgery, low muscle tone, gross & fine motor delays, severe stutter - medical & psychological issues.
WHY WOULD I MAKE THIS UP? WHAT KIND OF SICK TWISTED INIDVIDUAL WOULD MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP?
I feel like she is basically accusing me of being some kind of attention seeking person. I would really like to participate in the single moms group, but this issue has hurt me so much that I haven't been going to it.
I just feel like - ONCE AGAIN- no one understands. No one really understands.
The worst part is that she feels like she is MORE qualified to make these judgements about my son than the school, doctors, everyone who has known him, my family members, everyone. There is not a single person who has questioned this, not one, except my crazy Aunt but she doesn't believe in AUTISM at ALL! She thinks the kids just need discipline & stuff, hence the reason I called her crazy.
I never really realized how much it hurt until I thought about our next get together this weekend for the single moms group. I just feel like I cant face her again until I can tell her how I feel, and yet i dont really know her well enough to tell her how I feel.
Why does this bother me so much then???
Why can't I just let it go? I did try to explain everything to her but she has insisted that he doesn't have it, get a second opinion, ect - I have had about 10 opinions or more in his lifetime. MRI, EEG, genetic testing, medical evals, school evals, psychiatric evals.
On one hand this makes me happy that she thinks he is doing so well. On the other hand it is just another person who just does not understand how much my life is impacted by this. Like the other poster said, I worry all the time. I can never go through a day without thinking about this stuff.
I even got the wrong kids homework sent in my son's backpack by mistake & was forced to look at the sentences the other kids in class were working on, when my son can barely write his alphabet! If people knew. I dont want to sound like I need sympathy or anything, because I really dont want sympathy I just wish people would not ASSUME that I am so stupid that I wouldn't make SURE he didn't have it, or that I needed attention so badly I would make something like that up!
OK if you have actually read this, Thanks!!

After my nephew was born, my sister was getting a lot of questions and comments about their choice of name, which was making her second-guess herself. She found it really helped to memorize a line and say it calmly, firmly, and change the subject.

In your case, I would say something like, "my son has gone through an extensive evaluation, and I'm confident that the diagnosis is right for him."

Well, Tzyoa and Norway have given you some great tips. It sounds to me that you had been enjoying this group and this ONE person is ruining it for you. While you feel you don't know her well enough to talk to her about it, she feels she knows you well enough to diagnose your child. If you want to continue with this group, you need to get this off your chest. You'll need to speak to her between group meetings. Tell her how heartbreaking it is to find out your child has autism and that you have accepted his dx and are moving forward. Let her know that what she's saying bothers you. You can explain that he's had more than one evaluation by more than one professional and they have all come to the same conclusion. And, tell if she doesn't want to be supportive she should just steer clear of that topic.We parents of kids with autism have SO much to deal with, I choose to not try to convince others of what my son does or does not have. The LAST thing I need to deal with is their uneducated opinions. YOU know what your son has and that's enough. I would politely tell this "friend" that you don't really want to talk about this anymore with her and then change the subject. We parent must surround ourselves with truly supportive people. Not "yes" people, but people who understand. Of course, it's fine to have other sorts of friends with whom we enjoy non-autism things, but not if those friends drag us down. We need the psychic energy to focus on our KIDS, not on having to defend them. If she persists in being negative (although she may well think telling you your child is "fine" is positive, tho it's really not), I'd avoid spending much time with her or drop her altogether. You (and I and all of us) need positive input, not negative vibes dragging us down.Hey- at least she thinks your child is doing well. I'm sorry that she can't be a friend. That happens to me all the time. You get excited someone to talk to, and then they turn out to be a weirdo. Too bad we all don't live by each other. A lot of nice people here.I agree, you shouldn't waste the energy trying to convince her if she persists after explaining once. Maybe tell her that you feel she is insinuating you are making it up. Explain to her that it has taken a huge amount of work to get your son to the point he is at, and there is still a long ways to go. If she doesn't listen tell her yu'd rather she didn't offer her opinions as you have the opinions of plenty of professionals already. I would have to hold of telling her it's a worry that she is going to be a speech path who might be giving opinions to parents and professionals about whether their child could be on the spectrum, if she is disagreeing with a team of countless professionals and family on your son. But that's just me...

Good Luck with it and try not to let it get to you too much, you know the deal with your son.
I posted this before, but ONCE ( and only once) I got so fed up with someone
that I said that while I appreciated their opinion, "the UCLA neuorpsychiatric
hospital, our well-respected developmental pediatrican, and the Santa
Monica-Malibu school district all disagree with your a**esment"

yeah, I was a little bitchy that day.

Great comebacks Leanne! I really like those!

My only suggestion is to limit time with this person. You have enough things to deal with in your life...surround yourself by what and who makes you happy!!TY everyone, I knew you guys would know the perfect things to say!!

I will definitely be giving the statements a try, and I am not going to let one person bother me that much. Especially -
OMG I have to tell you, I am at the computer and DS comes up to me and bites me really hard! I was like what the heck? He goes "I am a vampire bat". I said "OK well just pretend to be a vampires bat. Are you really gonna drink me blood?"
He says, "You'll see" and walks away ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK anyway that was so funny!

Especially when they obviously do not understand ASD, and you are right - why is it my job to explain it to her when she has repeatedly ignored my attempts to explain? TY You guys made me feel so much better about this!Give up on convinceing anyone. Not everyone one believes kids can have disorders. Other's are still used to what asd use to be known as. I can relate my own family doesn't get what this is like. My siblings can't understand anyhow they aren't parent's. I try and seem them 1 time a month at that is it.

I understand what you are going through...it's so hard because we feel, as Moms, that we have to prove what we are saying and seeing. Coming into the autism community was hard for me because I only ever knew what "classic" autism was...I didn't realize it was a spectrum...but I definitely didn't walk around saying well your child doesn't seem autistic...

Some people just don't know how to handle themselves...they think they need to give us advice, or answers, when all we are looking for is a friend. I've started saying this a lot to friends and family when I'm just trying to talk or express my feelings (especially about Mason's problems at school.) "Well I'm not looking for advice, but I just wanted to tell you that Mason was doing this at school today, and..."

I use that a lot with my Mom...I know she means well and she is a great support, but I think she feels like she always needs to help me when sometimes I just want to talk or vent. Last week we were talking about things at Mason's school and she told me "well it's not like he has real autism, he just has symptoms." I didn't even respond, just changed the subject!

But for the ones that feel the need to give me their opinions either way, I usually just avoid them...it's unfortunate because I have lost touch with a lot of people, but it's just easier that way.

Sorry you got let down! But to brighten your day a little, you still have us!!

I had GOBS of people telling me Cole was fine when he was younger - his autistic traits weren't so obvious in comparison to other kids' his age at that time. This included his OT and PT and Speech therapists! They repeatedly talked about how affectionate he is...as if they could not recognize autism unless it was severe in its impact.

Here is what I had to say to probably half a dozen distant family members and friends:

Thank you so much for being positive! I do appreciate that! The umpteen doctors and special educators we've seen however, have explained to us that autism can be mild or severe, and it can "worsen". He definitely has autism, in some degree, and his best chance of learning how to work past it is early intervention.

Listen, I know you mean well, but when you say "oh, don't worry - he's just fine!" it kind of makes me feel like you are minimizing my feelings. So can we just not talk about autism? I know you are just trying to be supportive and I just love that, but I genuinely have a bit of grief of this. Please, don't minimize my feelings...I have to work through this just like my son. Okay? Do you just hate me?

Go to your meeting, but just skip the topic if it comes up.

Odds are in any "group" that you join there is going to be a least one person that drives you nuts and you'd rather not hang out with.

I'd definitely say something to her along the lines of "I know you mean well, but my son has been extensively evaluated from age whatever and we're accepting of his dx. It was hard at first because we weren't convinced either at first it was ASD either which is why we got so many different opinions. I know you're trying to be helpful, but when you tell me you don't think my son has autism you make me feel like some kind of idiot who doesn't know what to do for her own child when I've devoted my life thus far to getting him the right doctors and the right interventions. I want to enjoy coming to this group, but I feel like everytime we talk I have to be on the defensive. Can't we just be friends and talk about something else?"

My take on all this (and this is without the benefit of knowing this individual), is that she's not so much as questioning your position on this issue, but instead trying to "show off" her abilities as an educated ST; thus appearing to be an expert and in a position of authority. In other words, this is more about making herself feel superior than it is about dismissing your position on this issue.

If I were presented with a similar situation, next time she brings it up, I would probably say something to the effect, "You know, I really appreciate your input, but I've had several other professionals tell me otherwise, and quite frankly, I don't have the luxury of not believing their a**essment of my son. If you're wrong, I will have wasted precious time in getting my son the interventions he so desperately needs during this critical window of time. So, thank you for you opinion, but for now I intend to stay the course." Then with a smile on my face I might say something like, "You're more welcome to spend a day at my house with him. I suspect that might change your mind."

Try not to waste too much precious energy in letting her get under your skin.

Don't worry about her opinion. You know your kiddo!

lOL .. my middle's son's friends mother say my son in his car seat twice, and said he "didn't appear autistic to her." LOLOLOLOL!!!! Like, what can you see in a car seat? Should he be foaming at the mouth, screaming, have crossed eyes, what? I just said "well, he is."

This is a direct quote from a senior teacher said at an IEP meeting this week: "He isn't standing in the corner flapping his hands...he obviously doesn't have autism."

I know you said she seemed like a nice person, so maybe if you tell her some of those things the other posters suggested, she'll truly feel bad for sticking her foot in her mouth. If she continues to debate you, I'd drop her like a hot potato.

OMG, with all the work, and research, and worrying, the LAST thing we need is someone trying to invalidate our DXes!!!

I have a different approach -- what are HER motives and needs? WHY does she feel the need to invalidate your son's dx, to you? I mean, really ... does she think she is going to change your mind? What is SHE trying to make HERSELF feel better about? Maybe she and her diagnostic acumen are being put down by other professionals in her workplace so needs to pull this?

I'd blow her off -- not worth it! If you can avoid the topic, she could still be an over-the-fence neighbor but I do not think a friend, really.