I was wondering how difficult it is having another child after your ASD
child. What do you feel are the positive effects of having more
than one child and what are the negative effects? Dh and I come
from really big families and have always wanted more than one and we
are considering adding another child to our family but want ti hear how
others are able to do it.
Thanks in advance.
Our son was diagnosed with Autism when I was seven months pregnant with our 2nd baby. He had been suspected "delayed" around 9 months, but I was in denial for a LONG LONG time. The public school team diagnosed him as Developmentally Delayed by 18 months, but I was convinced they were wrong and sought out other diagnosis. I really did not think there was a thing wrong with him. When he was diagnosed, I became extremely depressed which I have shared before. I spent several days in bed and would not eat or talk to anyone, only getting out of bed to use the bathroom. I think I just wanted to not exist anymore. Anyway, Michael's parents & my mom helped me get myself together. We went in to find out if it was a boy or girl - and when we found it was girl I was so relieved because of the risk of having another boy with Autism.
here is the thing with siblings - IT REALLY SUCKS when you have an Autistic 2 year old and I newborn! But LONGTERM it has been AMAZING for Gage to have a little sister. He has learned so much from her.
A few things early on
-it takes time away from working with your other child
-my son HATED the baby
-the stress level is INTENSE and often overwhelming so be prepared for several years of that, but the payoff is that it gets MUCH better the older they get
-my son broke my daughter's arm when she was a baby because she kept trying to crawl toward him, and tried to strange her with a blind cord. He was very aggressive with her because he did not understand how to treat babies. It took weekly therapy and a lot of reinforcement. He got little mini Goldfish crackers if he gave her a kiss, and he was "trained" to give her hugs by getting to take down his favorite toys for a few minutes from on top of the fridge. It was self-taught ABA, and it worked wonders.
-They will always have someone else, even after you & your husband are gone, that will really "know" them like you did. They have a constant companion whom they can rely on. You can encourage closeness when they are little and just keep teaching them how important it is to have a sister or brother in their life.
For us our dd has been such a blessing to have...well she is a blessing either way, but I mean in helping Mason.
I think she is the reason for a lot of Mason's success. I have to be honest and say at times it can be very hard to watch your younger child pass milestones that your older child isn't reaching, but I assume it would be hard to watch, even if I was just comparing him to his older siblings...but at the same time I think Mason is striving to do the things that Jozlyn does and it helps him soooo much.
She can bring out things in Mason that no one else can...Mason rarely plays with toys, but my dd can get him to play with more toys than anyone else...she likes to tell him how to play (she likes to be a leader and a bit bossy at times, lol) but that helps Mason learn the correct way to do those things...otherwise he just lines things up or catergorizes them.
I'm not going to read the other replies before responding. I want to give you my honest version/opinion...
We got pregnant with our girls when Bug was just four months old - obviously, we had no idea about his Autism.
Having three kids 13 months apart is hard. Of course, It took me four years to figure out WHY it was so hard. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't take the kids anywhere (the store, the park, McDonald's Playland) - I thought it was just having three so close in age. Then, my friends all started catching up - having two kids close in age - adding a third - but they were able to take their kids everywhere...
Then... Bug was diagnosed. (Like a lightbulb!).
So, to get back to your question... It is hard. I feel very torn sometimes between the kind of parent I could be to Bug if he were an only child (so much one on one time - I can't even imagine it, honestly!)... And the not so hot issues that the girls have to deal with having a Brother on the spectrum. First of all - my girls are horribly speech delayed - I think part of that is the twin thing - but another MAJOR part is that their Brother isn't a "good" model for them. They also mimic his behavior and his play - so where having an older "typical" sibling is such a developmental advantage - having an older spectrum sibling is not so much (In my experience).
That said... I think Bug having TWO built in playmates basically his age has been good for him! I think when the girls get to school, and learn proper play skills - and their language improves - they will bring it home - and that will only help properly influence Bug. Additionally - they will be perfect "social" examples for me - to learn what the kids are wearing - what they are listening to - what are "appropriate age" Christmas and Birthday gifts - and what "typical" kids are up to. A good gauge.
I'm (mostly) glad we didn't know about Bug's diagnosis until we had the girls - because I'm pretty sure "stoppage" would have prevented us from having another - and I always wanted a big family (4 or 5 - we have decided recently that we are done).
ETA: it is really hard, sometimes - your heart feels torn in so many directions. The girls started preschool this month - and I have to take Bug with me to pick them up (he gets dropped off first - so he is not with me when I drop them off). He screams and cries and melts down as soon as he sees them in their school. I'm working with him (I wrote a social story) - and today, I delayed walking into the school as long as possible - but what should be a happy and fun time (the girls coming out of their room, happy about their day - ready to tell me about it - say good bye to their teachers and friends, etc.) is completely taken over by Bug's "issues". I explained to the teachers that he is on the spectrum - and boy is he educating everyone quickly about what some Autism Issues are - but it is so awful feeling like I just want to get the girls and get out of there as quickly as possible (and the teachers and parents want me to, too - because Bug is screaming like he is being tortured) - and wishing I could give the girls just one "normal" life experience without him there. Sigh.
So I have moments of wishing I could give Bug 100% of my time and attention, and moments where I am SO THANKFUL God blessed me with these two curly headed girls - so I can have children in "typical" preschool - and hopefully get to enjoy the more "typical" parts of parenting, too.
Also, do a search for "more babies" or "adding to your family" - there are several related threads - one is pretty recent from me ;) moderngnome39342.8569907407I will also add that seeing other sibling sets can be very very hard. For example my friend recently sent my a video she took of her older son reading his little sister a book while she snuggled next to him on the couch. This sent me into a very bad depression for a few days. My son wouldn't even sit next to my daughter for a portrait unless he was bribed with something, like a new toy. And even then I have several pictures of them together where they are both IN the picture but their bodies are not touching at all, they are just sort of seated next to each other. This has gotten slightly better, but it can be hard to watch those tender moments with other siblings as they will never "snuggle" or anything, and Gage has no interest whatsoever in helping her with anything (one time I saw a little boy help put his little sister's shoes on when we were at McDonalds and started crying my eyes out. I know, I am overly sensitive I guess but it really hit me that he doesn't do anything like that for her). So just go into it knowing that it will not always be like you planned, sort of like when you found out about the Autism diagnosis, but that what it will be will just be different but equally special in its own ways.
our girls are 27 months apart. I really don't feel that having Nina has made our life any harder, and she is such a wonderful, joyful little girl. She has been great for Sharlet and they can often be seen happily romping on the couch together these days which is great. It has been a huge adjustment for Sharlet and Nina regularly pushes her to the edge of her comfort zone and beyond. But I think that is probably a good thing and it will help Sharlet in the long run. Her elder sibling is 6 years he senior and I think she really needed to have a closer sibling and of course that works both ways as it is wonderful for Nina to have Sharlet too. It has been very stressful wondering if Nina will also have autism and I used to worry myself sick while I was pregnant with her. But now that we have had confirmation that she is developmentally delayed, for some reason I am taking it better than I expected. We don't know yet if she actually has autism as she is too young to be evaluated in my state so we have no idea how severely effected she will be but it does feel scary and overwhelming at times to imaging going through it all again with another child. In the end though, no matter what happens I am so in love with my baby girl and I don't regret having her for a second. She is beautiful. Allegra39342.9503819444My girls are 22 months apart. We did not have a dx for our oldest when our youngest came along. It was really , really hard when the baby was born. Our oldest ran around screaming/screeching for three weeks straight. It was totally heartbreaking that she ignored her sister until about 6 months (at which time she actually deigned to touch baby parts and name them!). The older my youngest got and the more she became a "person", the more my oldest acknowledged her. Now it is to the point where they play together and interact. I think they are good for one another. Even with my oldest being on the spectrum, I think it's a good thing for my youngest. Hopefully it will teach her to be more tolerant of those who are different. I think it will keep improving and get easier the older they get. There are a lot of positive effects for them both. I can't think of many negative effects, save that my oldest is so absorbing that sometimes it takes away from my youngest. But now that my oldest is in preschool and my youngest stays home with me I can address that issue. So to answer your question...yes it's hard, especially at first. But, I think it's worth it.
I have to agree that it was difficult in the beginning too...But our situation is very similar to the above posts.
Mason was 10 months old when I got pregnant with dd...so we didn't have a dx at the time.
I'm curious to see what parent's say when there is a bigger age difference or if you knew about dx at the time.
Our spectrum kid is 10, and his sister (8) came along before diagnosis.
Imogen has been more socially sophisticated than Sam for years, and I'm
sure she' been emotionally more mature for years too. This puts her in
the strange position of feeling older and being more responsible than her
older brother. Rhiannon (2) clearly came along well after we knew Sam
had issues, although not his actual dx. I don't think having the dx would
have made us change our plans... in fact I'm sure that it wouldn't have...
we plan to try for 1 more! I will admit to feeling relief that Rhiannon was
a girl, raising Imogen being so much easier than parenting Sam made me
feel like having a boy would be a bit more scary. But again, these were
pre dx feelings.
I think the big gap between Sam and Rhiannon made it much easier for
him to adjust. He was 8 when she was born ( & Imogen 6 ), both at school
for full days and both able to wait 5 mins when asked. We plan not to do
the 2 year gap before kid no. 4.(obviously.. rhiannon is 2 now) ... tho I
don't think we'll wait till Rhiannon is 6, that would make me 40... which is
probably not good planning.
By far the hardest thing for us has been the way Sam picks the time when
I'm busy with Rhiannon (bath/settling/nursing) to steal food, or to fight
with Imogen. I don't think its deliberate, but frequently I have to move to
another room and totally disrupt Rhiannon to rescue Imogen. Imogen of
course thinks she can handle anything on her own, and won't back down
until she's in pain, and won't stay with an Adult. She has a highly
developed Banshee shriek, as her call for help... which does wonders for
my blood pressure, and is so helpful when I'm trying to put her sister to
bed!
Sam loves his sisters, they love him, and they all learn from each other. I
think all sibling relationships have their difficult moments, NT or ASD
kids. I also think siblings help each other learn earlier that they are not
the center of the universe.
I had my wonderful daughter and 15 monthes later had my son. She is mommies little helper, and going to be a therapist one day! My son loves her and they have their own relationship, but it is not like NT relationships. There were times when we had to leave somewhere earlier than we or my dd liked, but it was always just time to go, and I NEVER blamed it on ds. Sometimes I worried she would catch on if ds would be crying, but she never knew.
Things improved so much with ds that dh and I decided to have another child. It has really worked out. We had a boy anf ds loves him. The relationship is still different, but it is beautiful. I'd say if I had a baby while my son was 2-4, I would've gone nutso! He just turned 6 when he was born. I think it was a great time for us. Summers are fun and school brings some relief. My older son had to become a better communicator-my attention was not just on him! He also likes being a BIG brother, and he has been so paitient since I breast feed.
I say overall, with careful planning and social stories, it has been a nice experience. I've never wished I could devote all my attention to ds, because I can't be mom, teacher, personal aide. I am just mom, and waiting for undivided attention is just life.
Our youngest son was born well before we found out our oldest son had autism. They are best buddies. With two children, there's more to follow-up, so it is a more demanding parenting situation. But really, the only challenge has been dealing with my own guilt feelings for "neglecting" my youngest son. It helped to go to a class for special needs parents, confront those feelings, and acknowledge to myself that I'm a good mom for both our kids.
I don't know anyone who regretted having another child no matter what the outcome was.
I have two asd kids and it's worked out a million times better than I could ever of imagined. We're very blessed that they have each other and get on so very well. They've done more for each other than any amount of therapy could.