one of those moments... | Autism PDD

((((HUGS))))),You are a great Mom,I am sooo sorry you have to go through all this ,I an sorry for donny also ,he is missing out on alot of things as well,I hope things get better soon,You are so lucky to have a good support system,Take advantage of it .

God bless,Linda

We have had some rough times around here, but NOTHING like what you go thru.  Especially since you don't get the good stuff from Donny, only Dad does.  All I can say is that you really DO need to take advantage of getting away if you can.  Whatever you can do to get some relief, especially if Donny can get good staff to help him, is what I would do.  "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" are among the truest words ever spoken.  You must give yourself some respite in order to continue being the best mom to Donny you can be.  I am near tears hearing about your experience, especially since we've gotten a taste of what you have gone through ourselves. But our son is hardly ever like that and NEVER nowadays.  I can't imagine what inner strength you have to continue to experience all of this.  Please accept my (((HUGS))).

 

thanks for all the support and understanding. It's always nice to talk with
other parents who "get it".

I may look into getting an aide and trying again at Special O. It will be (as
always) hard to find someone who's willing to get beat up as part of their
job though...

I've been thinking a bit today, about the folks who say that hubby and I
are "amazing people" and such for adopting Donny. I always feel like a
fake or a phony when people say that, and it's taken me awhile to figure
out why. Here's the thing, my big dark secret: I love my son, don't get
me wrong. That said, when I adopted him, he was much smaller, his only
diagnosis was autism, we knew he had some emotional baggage, sure, as
he'd been through hell and he had a lot of behaviour due to that when he
moved in. But when we adopted him, he was getting better. He had
all the potential in the world. If he'd been the boy he is today when I'd
met him, there's no way I would have adopted him. I don't know if I'd
even have fostered him, because Donny is hard.

When this realization first hit me, I felt horribly guilty, and like an awful
mother. But I don't think I am. I think it's perfectly normal. I don't think
most people, when given a choice between having a healthy, "normal"
child and a child with a disability would choose the latter. I chose
Donny, knowing he was autistic, which is a little different than the norm.
I'm comfortable and familiar with autism, and am certain I can parent a
child with autism. I didn't choose to have a kid with bipolar
disorder and everything else under the sun though.

I don't regret adopting Donny, and I'm certainly not going to give up on
him. Times are tough now and then, but on a whole, life with him is
rewarding and worthwhile. He's a great kid, underneath that prickly
surface, and has just as much value as anybody else on the planet.

Basically, I'm just in the same boat as all of you - parenting a kid who's
needs I didn't anticipate when I "signed on", and trying to make the best
of it

I'll be sure to update how the meeting goes, and thanks again.

I am so very sorry for what you had to go through with that.  You are an amazing and courageous woman...most definitely.

 

What you said about feeling bad because Donny has so much respect for his dad, and he treated you the way he did. The way I see it (and I've had some similar issues with my son), is that although I know your husband loves your son as much as you do, and I'm sure your son knows that, he acts that way with you because he knows the deep, unconditional love you have for him, and no matter what he throws at you, you'll keep loving him. A mother's love is like no other.

((hug))

Are there 1:1 aides available in Special Olympics?  I really don't know anything about it but wonder if you can go higher up the chain in Special Olympics and explain exactly what happened.  It's his disorders that are causing his behavior, IMHO they should support him.  Maybe there is some other help available that the swimming coach is unaware of.  And, I'm not putting down the coach, I'm sure he was frustrated and didn't know what else to do. 

Donny is so lucky to have you and your husband.  Your cousin is a doll and I really hope you're able to take her up on her offer. 

I hope the meeting goes well.

I second everyone...  Sorry to read this, but wow--you really amaze me.  Not only how you handled the situation (seriously, you are amazing!), but also how you spoke of it to us.  Talk about unconditional love.  You are an inspiration.  Someone else said, but it bares repeating:

YOU ROCK!!

Hope the meeting goes well.  I really hope you guys do get to go away--enjoy it!!  You will be in my thoughts. 

Mega HUgs DOnny's mom - you are an inspiration

Donny's mom,

I agree that you do need to have some help with Donny, on a more regular basis.  Someone you can trust who is committed to learn your amazing coping tactics and be trusted to care for him.  It sounds like you have a terrific support system with family and friends, but hopefully you can find someone who is trained to cope with Donny's issues.

The only understanding I can provide is this:  I am also the brunt of my son's frustration, violence (not near what you've had to endure!!

And it's hard to understand how one week the floor hockey coach wanted him to stay even though his disability was causing trouble, just so he'd get used to "new environments" and then the next week the swimming coach is kicking him out because his disability was causing trouble. 

Even though this door is shut, I hope a window will open up, with a good opportunity for Donny to shine.

Big hugs to you.  I hope you get your mini-vacation this weekend.

 

Gosh, I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I can do is echo everyone else.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time.  I really admire your strength and dedication to Donny.  He's a lucky boy.  :)  I hope your meeting goes well tomorrow, and that things will start looking up a little for you guys.

you are an awesome inspiration....YOU ROCK!!!!! I hope the meeting goes really well!! You deserve some good news!!!!and then there are those moments that lift you back up.

Like tonight, when Don was being tucked into bed by his dad. As his dad
walked out of the room, Don rolled back over and called out "Dad? I'm
sorry."

And there's also things like my amazing family and support network that I
couldn't function without. I just got a call from my cousin, who I'm very
close with. She knew I'd had a bad night, and called to INSIST that the
second weekend in October she is staying at my house, taking care of the
boys and dogs, and hubby and I are going away. I work weekends, but
my cousin is going to make sure my boss gives me the weekend off (she
supervises a different program in the same society). Will this actually pan
out? I don't know. But how nice and touching that she's so adamant I get
away for a weekend, and furthermore, she's refusing to allow me to pay
her.

If I do get to go away, it will be the first time in a year and a half that I've
gotten away from the kids, with my dh, for more than a few hours. We've
only had like 3 kid-free outings at ALL in the past year and a half.

Anyway, thanks for "listening" ((((hugs))))

You are amazing, I really can't imagine how it must feel having that directed at you by an older kid.  I can see why you are so glad you have been trained to protect yourself.  I feel down when Sharlet has severe meltdowns and gets aggressive toward herself and tries to kick or hit me.  She is a 3.8 year old little girl!!
It must be so difficult with a ten year old boy

I really am sorry that the swim team didn't happen and I do sincerely wish you all the best tomorrow with your meeting.

Take care.

jeeze, im sooo sorry for what you have been thru, you definatly deserve for things to work out well tomorrow, I hope you get something set up that can help ya out.

I must say that I too always had behavior problems growing up, and that because I saw my father as kinda the dominant one I tended to have more 'respect' for him then mom. Tho I was closer to mom then dad.

I know nothing about BP or PTSD and so my opinion is definatly un-informed. Being a kid who had issues with authority also, and miss behaving (tho inside I was a good kid, and feel im a good person) their were definatly limits that even I knew. Ill admit, the worse thing I ever did to my mom was during a meltdown I through a book at her , and am so thankful I missed. NEVER would I even think of loosing it, meltdown or not to dad. Like I said, I think my family and yours were somewhat similar, but also somewhat different, and I dont know all the facts. But is seems to me, at least coming from another guys perspetive that no matter what state of mind I was in, meltdown or not, I knew not do get physical with dad, and only slipped up once with mom. I think that you deserve to be treated with the same respect by your son that he exibits towards his father, its obvious that he does have a little control, as he only sounds like he directs his anger at you, to the point you feel horrible, to the point you have to learn how to protect yourself, and take that, it really sounds like you are one tough women, and can really take it.

Bottom line, coming from my point of view, and from my experiences, my mom would never take that. I through that book at her only 1 time. Not only did I get punished for a while for that and a nice slap from her, which she never did before, but was definatly deserved, but when dad came home from work he knocked me across the room. Never did I even think of doing such a thing again. As an adult, looking back, absoultly I deserved it. I had a problem, i was melting down, and yes, back then my parents did not tolerate that, and I suppose they were wrong by todays standards, but I did have some self control no matter what, and I learned. I know I would not take that for a second, and I dont think you should eather.

Im so glad my parents did all they had to do over the years. I could have turned out alot different, I learned the hard way alot. Indeed, growing up in the 80's and 90's their was not as much info about autism, and so they screwed up plenty, but also did alot of good things, stuff that cant be taught to parents, those were instincts.

Your son has more DX'es then I did, as I only had HFA, BP is very rough indeed, however, look at it in the future tense. Hes getting up their in age, and yet has not learned how to control himself, but has the ability to seemingly. I just think its better for you and your son that you dont tolerate that towards you anymore. Someday down the road, that will be seen as assault, battery or even domestic violence.

I applaud you for the way you handel things, again, not knowing much about any other disorder, and still learning about HFA, but someday if it continues you could get hurt as he gets older, he could be arrested or other things can occure outside the home. Im sure you already thought about all this, I just wanted to give my 2 cents, everybody is different, Im just looking at it thru the lense of my experiences growing up. Only you and DH know what is best.

I wish ya luck, and I hope things get better, for the both of you!Donny's mom,

You inspire me! You stand up as a model to all of us as to how to love our
kids unconditionally.

Hugs to you!

[QUOTE=Donny's mom]ugh

Well, geez...after the evening you just described, I have NO CLUE why you are feeling down.... sworn at, abused, spit upon... nope, no reason at all!

Given what you've been through - not just now, but over the past several months , I'd say you have a right to take a few minutes and have a bit of a sulk.  You're certainly entitled.  Indulge yourself.  I know you'll put it away and keep going - you're that kind of mom and you believe in your son, but you also have the right to hurt for a bit.

Good luck in your meeting tomorrow.  Hopefully, you'll be able to come up with a workable solution that will help Donny.  I'll keep fingers, eyes, and toes crossed.

 

I'm so sorry to hear this!

An aide might help if that is an option...maybe they would be willing to try that.

Hope things look up soon!  Take care!

Man, after the day you had, you're due for a fantastic meeting tommorow.  I hope it goes really well!

ugh

Donny just got kicked out of Special Olympics. Not just floor hockey, but
swimming too. The coach was really nice about it, and had good, valid
points, but geez can't we ever catch a break? It's an extracurricular
for people with disabilities, and Don doesn't even fit in there

He was being a brat during the swim tonight, not listening, not
participating, and thinking it was all a big joke. Taunting the coaches,
laughing when they'd try to catch him or direct him, slapping at them and
shrieking whenever they did. After about 15 minutes of that, the coach
caught him and brought him to the pool edge, which led to much
screaming and struggling of course. The coach asked that Donny not
come to Special O anymore, as he cannot focus all his time on one
athlete, and Don was disruptive. Totally true, I get it. It just sucks. I was
really hoping Don could have this ONE thing, you know? It's so
frustrating too, that I KNOW he COULD do well in it, if he'd just apply
himself. But Donny does what Donny wants, and doesn't ever think or
care about the consequences. He has serious, serious issues with
authority.

Anyway, when he was put out of the pool, it turned to a big nasty
meltdown, all directed at me of course. I held him on the bench on deck
with me for a few minutes, hoping he'd calm down a bit and walk off the
pool deck (versus trying to get back in the pool). Thank goodness I'm
trained in non-violent crisis intervention and know how to hold him and
defend myself. Even as it was, he spat all over me, was trying to scratch
and head-butt me, and managed, at one point, to grab a mouthful of my
ponytail in his mouth, bite on, and give it a good yank Finally, I
managed to signal to someone outside the deck area to come and open
the door to the change room for me so I could get him off the pool deck.

Then it was another 20 minutes of him repeatedly coming at me, me
deflecting and diverting. The spitting thing is new, and I do NOT like it.
He was horking back and letting it fly in my face That was his
approach when he realized I wasn't going to let him punch or kick me.
And through it all he's screaming at me, telling me he hates me, he's
going to put bombs in my car and on my house, calling me a Bi#$%, a
moron, and so on. For a kid who's barely verbal, he sure can speak
clearly when it counts...

Finally he was calm enough to get him out to the car, still in his swimsuit
of course, because everytime I passed his towel he'd throw it at me, and if
I tried to help him change, he'd kick me. So I guided him out to the
lobby. He balked, started trying to punch me again, and so another
couple minutes of me blocking and turning him in a circle, before he'd
finally walk.

Got him loaded up, and had the pleasure of him tooling on my car and
screaming his head off the whole way home.

Pull in the driveway, he sees his dad, and knows the game is up.

The last part almost makes me maddest - his dad and I are 100%
consistent in how we handle him, and yet dad gets ultimate respect, and I
get treated like dirt...

Once he calmed down, I explained to him that he's "off the swim team"
because of his behaviour. He cried about it for a minute, then got over it.

Yeesh. I don't really know what to say. I'm feeling really down right now,
which is sooooo not me.

Tomorrow I've got the meeting with the school district and Community
Living BC to talk about setting up a staffed dayprogram for Donny instead
of school...wish me luck. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now.  That is terrible that they kicked him off the team. Is there any way he could get a one on one aid while doing the special olympics stuff.  I am sorry that you are going thorugh such a hard time with him right now.  I hope that it gets better and that you are able to set up the day program for him.
Keep us posted.


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