My cousin (12~aspergers, ODD) went to a counselor once a week for over a year to learn to deal with authority and his emotions:) He is a model kid now:) Most of his defience came from being unable to understand his and others emotions and his effects on them. The more they taught him empathy and also his confusion with his own emotions like sad/mad were the same for him..it turned him around. Hang in there:)
I certainly can sympathize. Although we don't have that level of power struggles at our house (yet?), we have regular battles over homework.
My 9 year old says "I've told you a million times. School is school and home is home" -- he feels strongly that schoolwork should not be done at home. Home should be for fun. I countered last night then well I guess there shouldn't be any fun at school, and he actually agreed! Other times he refuses candy when offered because he has a rigid concept of eating healthy.
Sometimes kids with autism experience their own feelings and sense of right and wrong so intensely and rigidly that it actually becomes self-punishment. Compliance would make life easier. Saying yes to candy usually makes kids happy. It's really a mystery why their minds work this way.
Sometimes clear rules and expectations, visual schedules, social stories, are just not enough, and it will be interesting to hear what tactics other parents have used. Here are the tactics we've used:
Meltdown strategies: Our son is usually pretty helpful and compliant. When he's not, it's often a sign of escalation towards meltdown, so I use strategies for that (see Meltdown resources here: http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=17134&am p;KW=meltdown+resources The "walk and talk" method is especially good. I take him outside and we walk. I listen, he talks (vents), and soon he's calm again and we can resolve whatever issue triggered it.
Broken record technique: For battles that hinge on a difference of opinion rather than mood instability, I sometimes use the broken record technique. No matter what he says, I repeat my position in a neutral tone of voice. For the homework issue, I've been saying "that's not the way it works" or "the grown-ups decide about homework" when he says "school is school, home is home." I go about my business and do not make eye contact -- I think this neutral body language helps. I do think direct eye contact and authoritative body language can bring out primitive dominance impulses, if you know what I mean.
Love and understanding: I think my kids have an intense need to feel that I'm on their team, and these conflicts are just as upsetting for them as for me. So I'll often say, do you need a hug? And the hug will de-fuse the tension. At least with my kids, their need to feel understood is greater than their need to get their own way (most of the time). So I also express understanding for their feelings, even though I don't back down from my position. For example, I'll say "I can see you're pretty upset. This is a tough thing for you to accept, but I know you always do your best. Should we use a little teamwork?" etc.
Good luck with everything.
... but feeling really frustrated. I know I'm lucky not to be dealing with all