Stages of...grief? What is it? | Autism PDD
After dd was diagnosed with ASD early this year I fell into a deep depression, which was silly because I expected this diagnosis, but the depression happened anyway. I've pulled out of that (thankfully) but now I feel...cranky, bristly and aggressive. Is this a stage? Is it normal? Will it pass and if it does...what comes next? Can anyone share?
I think I know what you are going through...
I realized something was up with my dd at around 2 years. I didnt know what it was, but I was sure it was something. I didnt learn about the autism spectrum until right before she turned 3. The night I discoverd the red flags, I was unglued. I have been on a roller coaster ever since. She is 5 now.
The problem for me though, I cant seem to get a dx. I feel its PDD because of all the red flags in her past, mostly during the toddler years. It took so long for her to be evaluated that by the time it finally happened, she outgrew some major red flags...like pointing and using spontanious speech. She appears to have great eye contact but to me, she does not hold it long and she also appears very social but the quality of her social skills seem off. I see the signs all the time. However, the doctors who have seen her were hessitant to dx. I was told to wait and see as she gets older. Maybe AS or HFA???
That was hard for me because I have no support from my husband or my parents. They think I am crazy. They do not get the spectrum and still think of "Rainman" everytime the hear the word autism. So, to hear that she was not dx'd only made things worse for me.
I am alway hanging on her every moment questioning if she really is on the spectrum or if I am really crazy. Its hard on me and I have been on edge ever since. I go through waves of depression and major anxiety. I fight with my husband a lot and take a lot of anger out on him. I dont feel like he takes her problems seriously and he makes fun of my worry.
So, along with feelings of depression and anxiety, I am also very cranky and aggressive...I think its all a package deal.
I hope it gets better for you soon...me too and anyone else here who feels the same. I would LOVE to go back to feeling good...
Here are the classic 5 stages. You can Google them for more information. Ihope it helps.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF. A Normal Life Process; Five Stages Of Grief. 1. Denial
and Isolation. 2. Anger. 3. Bargaining. 4. Depression. 5. Acceptance. .
It's funny when we finally got the diagnosis - that I had to push for - I was relieved, felt completely energized to research, read, learn etc. But now, 6 months later, I find myself feeling gettting depressed easily. I don't understand why because he is doing so well compared to pre-therapy.
I think we all need a big hug! I know I sure could use one right now.
Tricia
im new to this whole forum thing but i came here to seek out help. I guess thats what this all is here for anyway. I dont know how im supposed to feel, but i know deep down i am depressed. my son kyle is now 13. he was diagnosed with pdd at age 2. life is going pretty good, but i find my self thinking deeply about stuff. I sit and think is he happy? i feel like he is going to miss out on so much in life. i would give anything to know how he feels. i just want him to be happy. but back to the topic i am depressed, and i find myself lately being cranky and distant to my girlfriend. i dont think its normal, i dont know what comes next but i def need to seek help for this depression i am feeling. how did you cope with yours??
How did I cope with my depression...I didn't, really. It came, hit me like a 2x4, then eased up...the better my daughter did with intervention, the better I felt. But maybe it's still here, and manifesting as aggression. I don't know. But, I do tend to look at my daughter as something beautiful, and I see her future life as full of promise, which helps. Sometimes I do teeter on the edge of despair (say, when it's inevitable to compare her to her NT peers). I try not to think of what she may or may not be missing in life. I want her to be happy too and my being happy is a big part of that. I don't feel as if hearing her diagnosis was like a death, but maybe the stages are the same regardless?[QUOTE=CAS' mom]Here are the classic 5 stages. You can Google them for more information. I
hope it helps.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF. A Normal Life Process; Five Stages Of Grief. 1. Denial
and Isolation. 2. Anger. 3. Bargaining. 4. Depression. 5. Acceptance. .[/QUOTE]
I've been through them all. I still wobble a little between depression and acceptance. It's tough accepting that this is what life has in store for you. My kids are my world, and I wouldn't change them. Both have their own unique "quirks" and gifts. It took acceptance for me to really "see and hear" my own children. I'm definitely not in denial/isolation anymore. Anger came and went with a bang. Bargaining....well I did ask God, "Why me?" I prayed for a "cure" for my son. Then I realized that there is no "cure", but there are interventions that can help him. Depression was there all along...bad relationship with my ex and all that. Acceptance really happened gradually. There wasn't one big life changing moment where I consciously said, "I accept that my child is different, and I have to adjust to that." When that started happening, I started opening up more to people about Brendon. I figured that the whole grief process would start all over with Jacob looking at a diagnosis soon, but it's not as hard. The first couple of days...depression. Now...acceptance. It seems I skipped the frist 3 this time.
Hi there
As many my know I have 2 grandsons born 2 months apart to the day Devin has ASD / SID and Gavin is NT, I see both boys alot so I knew early on that something was different with Devin. When we got the dx There were no words for the dispair I felt, and still feel ( if I let myself). But you see, the dispair is two fold for me, my heart breaks for my DD. She was 20 when Devin was born, she still blames herself, she says if only I did something different... Even though she did everything by the book while she was carring him. And after he was born, she was amazing!!! She was so concerned about everything, she was even brushing his teeth BEFORE they were even in
As for what comes next ...... who knows Mona, Grandma to Devin 3yrs ASD / Sid Swanky...yes. I was angry. Angry for more than 6 months. Now...I have bcome rather "unstable" LOL. I will be retiring from a job I held for 18 years in 6 weeks. I am taking an ABA course that is being offered by a local college in November, and will be instituting my own therpay for my son after school (until we qualify for wrap around services). While Liam is at preschool, I have plans for my two year old as well...baby gymnastics at our local "y". I will be going back to college in March to obtain my nursing degree (I am a nursing school dropout with a business degree). I passed the test and am filling out my financial aid forms next week. Prior to my immersion in college...we are all going to the Carribean...not sure where....but it will be a once in a lifetime trip for all six of us and something we wanted to do before all the chickens leave the roost. All of these decisions have been well thought out...but are the nuttiest most madcap things I have done since marrying my husband six months to the day I met him. These are the types of decisions everyone advises that you should never make when grieving. They may be the worst decisions I have ever made...but...I am feeling good about my life for the first time in two years. So maybe...you'll soon be over the anger and you can then join me in never never land. Hugs to you! I agree, my kids are my world and I would not
change them. I don't feel like I was ever in denial since
I pushed for a dx. I still feel isolated
but that's just the situation, it's isolating.
For months after the dx I felt like I was drowning in a huge black pit
of depression that I could not climb out of, but gradually I
did. I didn't bargain (no use) and I
think acceptance has been there all along - ¦this is who my dd is, she needs some
help and that's okay. I want her to be
herself, I don't want her to change or feel like there is something wrong with
her. What I feel now is anger, but not
anger with the dx or the situation. It's
directed at other people (I feel really horrible for saying this but it's
true). It's like a protective response. I don't feel sorry
for myself or my dd and I don't want other people's pity. I will stare people down when I need to share
my dd's dx with them, daring them to say anything negative to me. A lot of the time my posture is
defensive. I don't want to remain in
this phase. Maybe it will turn into something else on its
own or maybe I'll need to wrestle it.
But what's next? Maybe I have not
experienced true acceptance yet. It
really would be nice to get to a place of peace. If you can channel your anger into something productive, it eases up that aggressive feeling you described...it makes something GOOD happen...and improves your sense of worth. All positive moves towards acceptance. Look, even if you simply take the time to go buy some flats of fall colored flowers, or pull out the fake pumpkins and scarecrow from the attic - whatever - do something productive and happy. Preferably something you can immediately see and that others can as well. Seeing is believing. Yes, you ought to go exercise or something truly productive, but sometimes the areas with slower progress don't serve the best purpose when you're working your way out of a funk. Even if you just use a Clorox & water mix to clean your front steps, it is something YOU did that YOU will see immediately and everytime you go in and out of the house. And then put on your running shoes to go for a walk....get one little happy project done, then get moving. We are all in the same boat...just in different degrees of wave action at any time. Good luck! I am going through a divorce right now and I know all about the stages of grief! I have experienced them through the death of my father, my grandmother, my son being diagnosed and now the loss of my marriage. It is the same no matter what the loss- anything that you lose that is important to you is hurtful and we bounce between the hurt, pain, denial, anger, hope, isolation, etc. Sometimes I bounce between all of these feelings regarding my son and being autistic in a matter of hours! I think therapy has helped me a lot and not being afraid to let myself experience those feelings helps too. I know that somedays I really hate autism, although I really love my son and would not change him even if I could. It helps to talk, to reach out to others that have experienced it as we all have. Personally, I'm all over the map on this one. I've struggled with depression for years (since I was a teen), and I'm what I guess you could call a "functional depressive". I do what I have to do, etc. Lately, though, I know I've been extremely irritable and feeling very aggressive. I don't do much with the latter...I just sometimes bite my husband's head off over stupid stuff. He is coping in his own way...putting pressure on himself to be more successful at work. The man works two jobs and is taking a full load of school besides. (Online, to clarify) I'm really more concerned about him than myself...he's taken our son's dx in stride, especially for someone who argued with me rather a lot before the dx. I think he's sort of "fronting". But there is no way I can get him to talk about his "feelings". LOL I just keep a close eye on him. :) Me, I just try to stay busy...not hard with four kids and writing a book. I just try to channel the aggressiveness I have into scrubbing and typing!
Thanks guys for your thoughts and advice.
Hugs and peace to us all.
What do you guys do when you get stuck? This tends to be a difficult time of year bacause the kids are in school, so I have time to feel sorry for myself.
through them necessarily one at a time. Like rhosyn mentioned, we can
wobble back and forth between stages, or experience different stages at
different times. It is all normal and healthy.
If you find yourself "stuck" for an excessively long time in any of the stages,
especially depression or anger--get some professional help to work through
your grief. Counseling is wonderful for all parents, in general, as well. 
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