Bad Second Day at Preschool
| Back to Autism Information >> Next Topic | ||
| My son has anxiety. So Dr. Greenspan said it would be alright for me or my husband or both to accompany him to his preschool, sit in the far corner of the room and make ourselves boring in attempt to help ease him into total independence.
Keep in mind that he has never been left alone with anyone, not a babysitter, nanny, not even grandparents or uncles. It's just been me or my husband for 3.5 years now. So total independence away from mom and dad for 4 hours a day may be tough for him. The first day of school was fantastic. He had a blast. He didn't cry or protest. Dad sat in the far corner of the room and he only came to see dad 3 times in four hours. But that day the teacher flipped out. She asked us not to keep coming anymore, said that it is interfering with her ability to bond with my son and that my son is repeatedly coming over to see his parent. I said the doctor said it's a good idea for us to be near him at least for a week or two until he's comfortable and secure. She was so irate that she told the Director of the preschool. The Director now tells me he's not anxious, it's just my own anxiety spilling over to my son. 
Anxiety is genetic and this is his genetic makeup. How can they refute what the doctor recommends? And how on earth does coming up to dad 3 times for just three seconds each time constitute "repeated"? This school has touted itself to have a compassionate transition program that would invovle parents being nearby kids who can't transition easily. They argue that since my son adapted so well (no tears, no protests) he's just fine. But we know my son. Today when he was actually left alone with his teacher and class for the entire four hours, I observed him from afar and saw him looking so sad. On the way home, he said, "The saddest part of my day was when I looked and couldn't find you."  And then he said he did not like preschool.
Somehow I feel that the reason teachers don't like parents to stick around is because they don't like being scrutinized. When parents are around, they're just a little more sweet to the kids, a little more patient, and a little more attentive. I saw this with my own eyes with other teachers at the school. Well, this makes me so angry. I feel like telling these teachers if they do their job the right way to begin with they shouldn't be worried who the heck is watching them. Sorry for all this rambling, I just needed to vent.I will have to agree with you on some parts. I think if your son just wants to know that you are there and it doesn't bother anybody, then you should be there. I think it is really hard for a child to be seperated like that and that is a good idea. I will say from a preschool teachers aide it is very hard to teach when a parent is in the room or nearby. Even if your the best teacher ever your students aren't always the best. If you tell a kid not to do something and the parent is there, they might think that you are to strick and not being fair to their child. It does happen and that is why it is hard to teach. I do congratulate you in putting your son in preschool. I think he will enjoy it once he gets over the seperation part. Good Luck. Um, as someone who taught pre-school for a year and having gone through leaving my son at pre-school before, I want to speak up. The teachers you are talking about may have some issues, I don't know. But we always discouraged parents from coming to the classroom and staying for the first week or two as it is VERY hard on the kids to make the transition to school and becoming more independent. Really, it does - for most kids. I'm not saying that's the case for your son, but that is what I have found for most kids. The first few weeks are very hard for a LOT of kids. Also, kids act differently when their parents are around. For instance, I'm very nervous about being the aide in my son's Sunday school class - I actually think he would probably do better if I wasn't in the classroom, but I don't feel right leaving a volunteer in charge of my son just in case something happens. But, he acts differently and has many more behavioral issues when I'm around as opposed to when I'm not. I have seen the difference MANY times - not just for him, but for a LOT of kids. In addition, it makes it very hard on the teachers as the other kids are asking why THIS child's parents get to stay and theirs doesn't. It drags out the anxiety separation for all the kids a lot. I know you are just concerned about your son - but the teachers are concerned about ALL the kids - and they should be. I welcomed parents after the first few weeks. To be honest, it does make it harder for the teacher to have a parent there as the child doesn't know who to pay attention to - the parent or the teacher. I don't think it was right for the teacher to get irate and to get all nasty about it, but I wanted to bring up a different side. It is hard to see other's points of view when you are sending your baby off to strangers - I DO get that! But, I thought you might appreciate a non-biased (well, sort of!) point of view on this... Dr. Greenspan and his nurse were telling me that most preschools are concerned first with compliance. They want obedience. But getting compliance or obedience out of kids who are feeling stressed because they are left alone for the first time is not good for children. Yes, the teachers will get their compliant student, but that child is feeling enormous stress. Many 2, 3, and 4 year olds can not always express stress and can not express the depths of their stress. But my son's teacher is not concerned with that. She, armed with her teaching degree, seems to feel she has mastered the subtle complexities of the human mind and neurological disorders. Dr. Greenspan's nurse tells me that this belief of teachers and even some psychologists is an age-old but very false belief that children who are stressed, feeling scared, abandoned, will just 'adapt' with no negative effect on them whatsoever.Every child is different. Some children hopped out of their parent's car and ran into school.One or two actually told their parents "go away, go home." I saw this. They were very ready for it. My son was very anxious and still is anxious. Not every child has anxiety but if a child has special needs, the purpose of a teacher is to support his special need. If this teacher can't accept he has a special need or is unwilling to accommodate him, I will suggest to her to get out of the teaching occupation and pick an occupation that has nothing to do with children. If my son needs an aide that teacher should have opened her mouth and told us and we will provide one if necessary. But I resent teachers believing that they know my son better than I, his dad, or his psychiatrist do and they know what's best for him. Luckily my son is very verbal and can express himself better than most kids his age. So we asked him if he was upset or cried today. He said he did. I asked him why. He said because he was looking for me everywhere and could not find me. Then we asked him if he told his teacher. He said he did. Then we asked what the teacher told him and he said, "She just kept telling me "oh you're okay." " We were so angry when we heard this. Now Dr. Greenspan's office is also annoyed with this teacher and school too. I can not wait to have a few words with this teacher. Tomorrow whether she likes it or not I will be camped out in that classroom in the corner if that is what my son needs. Most parents as I understand it do not want to camp out in their kid's classroom daily. So I doubt on any given day, I would be competing for a spot in the corner of that classroom with 8 other parents. On most days it would just be me. And when a parent sits quietly and reads a book, or at least pretends to read a book, most kids will eventually also ignore that parent and will be unaffected. I believe it's the teacher who is nervous about being scrutinized. I had an OT who used to make home visits. When we started OT in her office, I sat in there for the first three sessions. Then suddenly she told me she did not want me in the room at all - despite the fact that my son NEVER once came up to me. Well, that was the last session we had with her. My husband is a pediatric dentist. He says that dentists who tell parents not to come back to the treatment room are wrong to do so. To him, and to me, too, it's a red flag. Confident and skilled people in any occupation will not be detered by the presence of a single parent sitting quietly nearby. Lots of dentists do not have the patience for treating children and especially special needs kids. They sedate them often to avoid having to use behavioral strategies to comforth them. What a crying shame that people in any field involving children feel such little empathy for children. Sorry I do not mean to offend anyone. But I have to be my son's greatest advocate. Well as I stated earlier - these teachers may certainly have issues. And you have a different situation than what I dealt with in my classroom. It sounds to me like they don't have a lot of experience dealing with children who have special needs. I refuse to take my kids to a dentist who wants them to come back alone - it simply isn't possible for either of my kids at the stages they are at. However, I would leave my son in both OT and PT as he did MUCH better when I wasn't there, trust me on this. He just acts differently when I am around. Do I like it? No. But, it's what is best for him. But he doesn't have huge separation issues and although we had occasional difficulties with it - for the most part he does okay. But, we started having other people take care of him early on and we did toddler classes that separated. He got to know the "mommy comes back" song well and by the time he started pre-school he was okay with being away from me for a while. In fact, I think it's really good for both of us to have a break from each other. I didn't say that you would be competing for space with other parents. I doubt that you would be. But, I know from experience that no matter how unobtrusive you try to be - it still affects YOUR child and it will affect others. Not all - but it will affect some and distract them. Perhaps the teacher doesn't want to be scrutinized and if that is the case - well, maybe it isn't a good fit for your son. But most places are going to try to convince you to leave your son and see how he does. In the toddler classes we attended, they would videotape after we separated and let us watch the tape. I was always amazed at how almost all of the kids would, within 2-5 minutes, be totally calmed down and playing great after the parents had gone. Once in a great while, there would be one child still crying and the teacher would come get the parent. But, the goal was always to move toward independence and separation (this was when the kids were 18 months to 3 years). By the way, I never felt that these kids just will adapt with no negative impact. I think being left by your parents on your own with people you think are strangers would be VERY hard and would change my worldview. But, as I got used to the fact that mommy or daddy comes back - it would get better. The fact of the matter is that you can't go to middle school with him and at some point separation needs to happen. Teachers who are very experienced (and by the way they didn't go to college for nothing!) know that MOST kids do better if the parents just leave (after saying good-bye of course) and the kids settle after a few minutes. Now, this is not the case with all kids and obviously you know your child better than anyone. I'm just trying to give you a different point of view. It seems to me that you have already made up your mind that this is not a good place for your son. However, I just want to caution you that a lot of places are not going to want you to camp out in their classroom for the first few weeks and that not all of them are going to be bad for your son. I guess I'm just cautioning you to keep an open mind and start to listen to what some of them have to say. Even though they don't know your son, they do have lots of experience (or should have if you're sending your son there!). But it is a two-way street - they should listen to you as well. Make sure you're not coming across quite so strong as you did in these posts though - as that is bound to turn off people and make them defensive. Just my thoughts... I can kinda see both sides, your child cannot learn well if he is under stress and the teacher cannot teach well if she is feeling under pressure. This is only a temporary situation for everyone involved and it would be unfortunate to develop into a hostile relationship with the teacher. Maybe the teacher would feel more comfortable knowing how long you would be coming to class and what supports for transition are in place ie visuals and social stories.? Perhaps she has some stories she can share with the class to address this issue that many kids may be feeling.? Hopefully you can come to an understanding. I do understand how hard it is to leave your anxious child in a place where no one knows him like you do. mama to Sam 8 yrs PDD NOS OCD ODD PPD and Alex 2 yrs A good book that teachers often read is called "The Kissing Hand". It is a very good book and my ds loved it at that age! Scholastic even makes a version where someone reads it on tape (probably CD as well).We did tell the teacher repeatedly "This would only be temporary" but she was having a heart attack regardless.It's easier to expect a fully grown adult who is a teacher to just suppress her discomfort and manage as opposed to expecting a 3 yo who has special needs to do the same. The teacher has a teaching degree, not a psychiatry degree with specialization in special needs. It is the psychiatrist that ought to say how the teacher can help the child to adapt best but he must leave it to the teacher to do the teaching. The teacher is not supposed to enforce compliance on a special needs child or any child for that matter. She is supposed to use her education to persuade the child to comply willingly. If she is trained well, she can do it. If she isn't she'll be rely on using harsher strategies to get the same result. I would love it if every preschool had those two way mirrors so that parents could go to a room to privately observe their children and the teachers without the teachers knowing. That would not interfere with the children or the teachers. I'd bet very very few teachers would appreciate that. I am pretty sure my son will not be holding my hand as he walks into middle or highschool, just as he won't be needing me to help him get his underwear on in the morning at the age of 30. But all children are different and learn things at different times. Sometimes I think we lose sight of that. And the end result is that it is soo hard on them. You're right, I am sounding way too upset here in these posts....because I'm venting. I told Dr. Greenspan's nurse that I'm too angry to speak politely now so she said to let my husband do the talking at the meeting with the teacher or Director. sunflowers,I would definitely be there for your son,It may help to make a fading schedule where you leave the class slowly as your child can tolerate ,eg day 1 ,leave the class 10 min before it ends. day 2 ,arrive 10 min after it starts day 3 leave for 20 min in the middle of the day slowly increase the times,you get the picture, this is working well for our son as his transitional Aid from his daycare ,will be leaving soon. Hope this helps,Linda Sunflowers, My son's teacher called me this morning to tell me not to accompany my son again. She was adament. I said she was welcome to have a conference call with Dr. Greenspan to find out why it may be necessary in my son's case. She said my presence there to comfort my son will prevent him from seeking out comfort from the teacher. I got mad at this point and told her that she wanted to block my son from having access to me when he was upset in order to force him to seek comfort from a stranger. I said any kid will eventually seek the comfort from that stranger if you put him in a box and don't give him any other options. But the compassionate way is to let me comfort my son and at the same time allow the teacher to bond with him slowly. No kid wants to be comforted by a stranger instead of his parent. He has to learn in his own time to feel comfortable with the teacher. It has to be on his terms, not the teachers. I asked her why she would not defer to the opinion of a psychiatrist and how her teaching degree qualified her to make assessments about my son's psychological well-being more than a psychiatrist. I know I should not have said some of these things but I was so mad. I am ready to pull him out of this school if necessary. I just want you to know my heart goes out to you. I volunteered in a language preschool last year and we had the two-way mirror and it never bothered me. At first I felt a bit like I was in a fish bowl but quickly got over that. I think that the mirror windows help both parents and teachers because they can learn from each other. Is there a reason you want him in this particular preschool? I think I would be tempted to pull him too if I couldn't have a working relationship with the teacher. Hugs Hi Sunflowers! I can understand why you are angry. You are your child's advocate. I don't doubt your gut feelings and you only know your son best. Couple of things. My children have been going to daycare since they were 6 months old. It was so hard for me to send them and both times I cried. They were so young, they really did not even realize what was going on. Abby is 3 and Danny is 18 months old. They go through more separation anxiety now with the both of them then I ever did. The teachers are wonderful yet stern. They work with me. Even in Abby's case the are completely aware and involved with everything Abby is going through. I do agree with one point and that is I want my kids to want to be with there teachers. But in order to let go and want this you have to trust and believe in the teachers from the start and it seems like this school and it's teachers have already given you a bad taste. Most pre-school and daycare settings are going to stick by the parents not sticking around all day. But they should make you feel good about it. Your gut should always tell you. Mommy To Abby Grace 3yrs old PDD/NOS I really lost my cool in that conversation I had today with the teacher but primarily because everything I said kept falling on deaf ears. Unfortunately the director of the school was eavesdropping on the conversation. I should have known. But all I did say was that I felt a psychiatrist knows best what a child's anxiety level really is and we should defer to him. I also said inferred that their policy of not allowing me to comfort my child lacked compassion. I know, not nice... I think they got too irked with what I said and now the head of the school is telling us this may not be the preschool for my son. This is now because my son was constantly distracted and unable to focus properly. He required too much redirection and they do not have the resources for that. Initially they told me they would provide a shadow for him. But I think they got so irked with my tone in the conversation that they rethought their offer. Now they are saying it still may not be enough even if WE pay for the aide, this school may just not be for him. I feel mostly sorry for my son. He did love it there. All he wanted was his mommie or daddy to be nearby. And it would have only been temporary - for 2 or 3 weeks maximum. AFter that we would have been out of their hair for good. Why all this fighting and arguing over two weeks of my presence to comfort him? Is all of this just a power or ego struggle? Did i insult their pride? Because they are supposed to be a very good preschool in our area.I'm so sorry this isn't working out. I can see your concerns, but I can also see why the school is having issues. concerns. How much experience do they have with special needs kids? This may be your biggest problem, and you may eventually find yourself butting heads on more and more topics anyway. My child is severely disabled, and non-verbal, he is 7 yrs old and been in the school system for 4 yrs now. I understand your concerns for doing everything to make the transition to preschool as smooth as possible for your son, when your child is non-verbal it is very difficult to trust anyone, but over time I've learned, and now everyone that works directly with my child are as protective of Zachary as I am. My son had a very hard time when he began school, he also has major anxiety. What we did was start with only an hour of school, and increased the amount of time at school at a pace that Zach was comfortable with. It took over 6 months to get him to go for a full day. The school has handled the situation poorly, and they should have sat down and discussed the teacher's discomfort, and tried to work together to make it work for everyone. I can tell you wholeheartedly believe in Dr. Greenspan, and I know he has a stellar reputation, it doesn't mean he is always right. I hope things work out for your ds, and which ever preschool you remain turns out to be the perfect one for him.
marilyna Our Head Start would not let us bring siblings to class. It was the one beef I had with them - ds' mainstream pre-school would let us do that with no problem. Head Start is a good program. I highly recommend it. Sunflowers - you really seem to think that teachers as a whole are not very good. I really wish you would talk to some and get their perspectives. They are not just their for YOUR son only - they are there for the whole class. By the way, I don't have a teaching degree, I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and a masters degree in social work. I did in-home family therapy for a few years as well. I think Dr. Greenspan is great - but no one is perfect and he may not be right in every instance. And, I would guess you are not getting on anyone's good side by throwing his name around and asking the teachers to change the way they do things because of what he says. I'm not saying they shouldn't work with you - but this is something that should have been settled before the beginning of the year. This is only making things a lot worse for your son. You can catch more flies with honey... or so they say. I just think if you continue to take such an adverserial approach to everyone in your ds' life, it will only hurt him. Perhaps this isn't the right school for him, your instincts certainly could be right. But you really seem to have closed your mind and determined that teachers are bad (which they are NOT, for the most part). I think it's a great idea to have one-way mirrors. My son's mainstream pre-school had that in their "small room" where they went for art and snack and fine-motor things. Our Head Start had it as well. I had no problem not knowing if I was being observed or not, because it's good for parents to do that - and they should have the right to check on their kids to make sure everything is going okay. But being in the classroom the first few weeks really makes it tough on everybody. I do understand that you think your approach is best - and perhaps it is. But, I would try to open your mind and perhaps be open to other approaches besides what Dr. Greenspan is suggesting. You could even ask him if there are other ways of transitioning that he would recommend or could he talk with the teachers? Sorry - but this just isn't boding well for your ds and I know that's who you really care about and are trying to protect. You may want to re-think how you are going about it.... But that isn't true. My MIL is a teacher. I have enormous respect for their job as a whole. I think they are cheated in salaries and respect. I think they deserve fatter salaries than any other occupation because they are entrusted with the teaching and development of our kids. What's more important than that?It's the people who fulfill those jobs that I sometimes don't like. And that's sometimes...Hi Sunflowers: I don't post very often, but I try to when I think my situation is similar to my family's. My son also has an anxiety diagnosis from a very respectable dev ped in our area. I, too, have him in a typical preschool, but he has a shadow that sits in the corner of the classroom. When I drop my ds off at school, I tell him that if he really needs mom, then tell the teacher and she'll get me...I'll be right down the hall. I literally am. I sit in an empty classroom and peak in every 20 minutes to see how he's doing. For as much as I wanted to stay, my dh and I made a point of supporting his teachers because I wanted them to be participating members of our therapy team. My ds was the first child in the 25 year history of the preschool to have a shadow. And I think they were so receptive because I told my son that when he was in school, his teachers were the boss. It's not to say that we didn't step in and make our voice heard when we felt the teacher was out of place...we did. However, we tried to make her job as easy as possible and have our ds feel as *typical* as possible. And every though it practically kiled me to see him anxious, his anxiety subsided after a week. Now, he doesn't give me a second look (or kiss) when I drop him at school. He tells me that it's time for me to go. Ultimately, I think your staying for a couple weeks in the background may make it harder for your ds to get over his anxiety...only because he'll be more inclined to expect you to be there. While I know that Dr. Greenspan is great, I would try to be open to other suggestions. Best of luck. I wrote that because you made several blanket statements about teachers and educators. Especially about them not wanting to be observed. From your posts, it sounds like no teacher is going to be good enough for your son - at least that is how it came across to me. It is hard to let go, but you need to be less confrontational in how you are approaching teachers. And, communicate that this is what you would like to do - and ask how they feel about it. In addition, if they don't think it's a workable plan, find out (in a NICE way) why they think it wouldn't work and what they suggest in place. Believe me, I have fought long and hard for my son. But, I didn't start out that way. If you go in with both guns blazing, you are going to make people defensive no matter HOW nice they are or how good of teachers they are. The school doesn't sound like it fits you or your son. I would look at alternatives, but go in with an open mind. Not all teachers are mean people who want to take your son away from you. But these teachers have a lot of experience with parents who have a hard time letting go of their children. These people probably could have handled this better - and you should feel comfortable in what their plan is. But no matter what, it is hard to let go and you will not feel totally comfortable because that is part of the letting-go process. Try to find a place you are more comfortable than this one - but start out in a non-aggressive way. Like I said you can catch more flies with honey... Oh - and I agree with CAS'mom - Most of the time even our kids will settle in after a week or two. It is VERY hard to see your child anxious. We have been going through this with my ds the last two weeks. He started all-day kindergarten a week ago Tuesday. It is hard to hear him say, Mom I just want to go to school for a half day not ALL day! But, we are hearing this less and less and he is adjusting. This is what I kept telling myself, "This too shall pass. This too shall pass. And ds WILL get used to this and it is in his best interests to continue on this path." I've said it OVER and OVER to myself. See, I needed convincing as well! But, I have had enough experience as both a teacher and a parent (and I've talked so much to other parents of both NT kids and kids on the spectrum) that I know it will get better. And, it has - at least a little. The teachers report he is doing well. We've seen more escalation of behaviors at home - but I expected that at the beginning of the year - that is his time to release the pent-up energy and anger from the day. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as defensive or accusative in my posts. But, I guess I'm trying to get through to you that, while some of this may be that the program isn't a good fit for your family - another part may be that you may be causing the defensiveness in the teachers with your attitude. Maybe you don't come across to them like you are saying in your posts, but if you are - I would get defensive too. I may not react like they did, but you need to back off a little. Don't assume that everyone is not operating in your son's best interests. A lot of them are - but they may not know how to. That is why we as parents can try to educate people. However, in this instance, I think you will be increasing his anxiety in the long run by staying in the classroom. He will adjust quicker if you back off. Especially with our kids - if you start out in the classroom, they will EXPECT you to be there every day. I wasn't surprised at all that your son said he was sad on the second day because he looked around and you weren't there. You set up that expectation for him. This is NOT easy - I am in no way saying that. It isn't easy for anyone - teacher, parent or child. But it is something that needs to be worked through. Before you attempt this again, though, everyone needs to be on the same page BEFORE he gets put in a classroom. Otherwise, it just won't work. Good luck to you! I feel for your as a mom. I've been in that position. I also have taught preschool for over 10yrs. So I also see the side of the teacher. There are lots of parents who feel it "better" if the child has an adjustment time of a day, two or week. However, in my experience, it works best to just "kiss and go". I often use the illustration of pulling off a band aid fast or a little at a time. It all hurts both the parent and child. It's better (in my experience) to go quickly. Staying just makes the child feel used to you being there, then it's traumatic when you aren't. However, most of the schools/centers I've worked at have strongly discouraged parents staying. But these were not set up with special needs children in mind. When you have a medical doctor stating what would work best, then I see no harm in a parent hanging out. Maybe offer to help out? I'd love an extra pair of hands helping. That way your child gets to see you, but you are mixing with the other kids too?. Best of Luck. It doesn't sound like this is the best place if they aren't compromising. kelly |
||
|
Copyright Autism-PDD.net
|
I can certainly understand your frustration.