my head is spinning | Autism PDD

Sunny.....

Hi I obviously don't know your step-father but after reading your post I couldn't help but think that maybe he was just testing your devotion.....the comment "thats what I thought" makes me think he was just making sure your priority is your daughter....since you were discussing which move would be best and debating about whats better for you and whats better for her......I don't think I would be angry or sad...Maybe be a little proud because it is a thought that would never cross your mind and isn't an option and "Thats what he thought"..Maybe meaning he knew you were a good mother and would put your daughter first.....a little shocked at the thought but maybe his intentions weren't meant to make you upset.......I am guessing and you know him best but I think I always like to look more to the positive rather than the negative.....we got enough to deal with......I agree with Tammy.....we really do put alot on hold for our babies but it is so worth it all to see even the smallest steps of progress.

Keep up the good work.......your daughter needs you.

Bless you Both.

Wow! That is an awfully cold sounding remark! If he was drinking at the time, maybe he was really trying to be helpful in some wierd way. Maybe he is just as confused as you (and the rest of us at times) are. If I were you I'd probably catch him sober and just ask if he really meant it how it sounded. He probably didn't even realize how cruel such a comment is. Just tell him, "Do you know that when you asked me if I thought about adoption, it really hurt. I am doing the best I can for my child and I love my child dearly. I wouldn't give up for anything in the world. I know you probably didn't mean it the way it sounded, but I just want you to know that such comments hurt, etc..." Probably if you talk to him (while he's sober and you're both calm) you can work it out. Sometimes words spew from our mouths before our brains have a chance to say to us, "SHUT THE F*** UP A**HOLE!" LOL Maybe that is what happened here.i am a single mother of a six year old. she doesnt know her father. i live with my mom and step-dad, although i have a separate household from them. my step-dad is an alcoholic, but a mellow one. he'll sit in the garage, drink himself silly, then go to bed. because of his drinking, he's lost a lot of brain cells and isnt very bright. usually he speaks without thinking. i tend to ignore the things he says, but he said something tonight that i cannot ignore.

i was having a discussion with him about whether or not i should move to the cities to benefit myself, or stay where i live now to benefit my daughter's education. i told him that i wasnt sure of what was best, but how i'd probably end up staying here because she is a higher priority than myself. i was hoping to maybe get some sort of opinion or suggestion out of him, but instead he looked me straight in the eye and said, "have you thought about giving her up for adoption?"

...

i'm not quite sure if he meant it the way it came out, but it really hurt. i was in shock. i couldnt believe he just said that, or even thought it! i just kind of sat there... not knowing how to react... all i could do was say "why would you even say such a thing?" and he said "ok, thats what i thought." and walked away. i was left sitting there thinking, what just happened?? did i hear that right?? what have i done that could have possibly made him even think that way??

so now i sit here questioning myself. have i done something? do other people think this is an option? do people think i'm not a good mother, and that my child would be better with somebody else? i dont even know if i should be angry, or sad, or what. i'm so dumbfounded.

If he was drinking that might explain that comment. Now I did have a roommate one time say that I should put both of my kids in a group home. But he had major issues with women in general. I think I mentioned that somewhere in one of my many posts before, lol.

Unfortunately you will have to come to the realization that you do have to put your life on hold. Your child's priorities come first. Alot of moms that have kids on the spectrum stay single and with some that is not by choice. I just don't have the time, patience, or energy to play the dating game up here. And from my experience it is a game up here.

Maybe he thought you were making an issue over something that was a non issue, don't know. Alot of parents unfortunately do give up special needs kids for adoption after they get older. Maybe in some odd way he was letting you see that you will always put what is in the best interest of your child first.

Tammy

Sunny we all have moments like that. I can remember my mom saying when I was a kid we didn't realize how much she went without so us kids would have things. And you know that is true, you don't realize that until you are a parent yourself and do things like that. I guess to some of your ill informed friends it might appear you have it oh so easy. But we all know it isn't. Hey my idea of the easy life would be hummmmm maybe the Bahamas? Lol. And as the old saying goes don't judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. You will just have to get a thick skin and not let those comments get to you. And I know that is hard. But remember you are the one that has to live with your decisions not them.

Tammy

When I was younger and a single mother...I was faced w/that option.

I was then in my early 20's. I had given birth to my son (now 16). The father was just a fling I had to end my relationship w/my long time off & on abuisve love. It didn't work, during my pregnancy I was back together w/the abuser. His parents convinced me I was a rotten mother. I wasn't any good for my baby boy. I was going to do more harm than good, so on and so on.

I listened, I belived it...I was worthless. I couldn't care for my son, I wasn't capable...blah blah blah. Their son and I faught a lot and well, we broke up a lot and it was during one break up that they fed me these lies.

His parents wathced my son for me while I worked even though I wasn't dating their son anymore. Day in and day out they told me I should give them custody for "his own good".

I did. I walked into a house where a notary stood w/papers for me to sign. I signed....I walked out...empty, worthless, and alone.

A month passed and I came to realize what a mistake I had made. O.k. I wasn't a perfect mom...I didn't have a lot of money...I was single...I had problems but, I loved my son. Can you put a condition on that? Can you say that I am not good for him becaue I am not the "perfect parent"?

I asked for him back...but they wouldn't give him back, I had to go to the police, but the paper I signed put into question who had the rights to him. I had to wait for a court date. A court date that took months to come. Each day I longed for my baby. Each day I felt a hole in me that wouldn't be filled.

Then, after a judge reveiwed the case, realized I had be taken advantage of, my son was returned to me. Shortly after I had him back, my ex broke into my place and tried to kill me...to make a long story very short, he killed himself a few years later.

What I am saying here is that as a parent (single or not) we make mistakes. Big ones and small ones. It isn't wrong or right, it is just the way it is. And our children grow up understanding that imperfect parenting makes for perfect love. As long as love is the dominating factor. My son (ADHD) struggles still, and I w/him but oh God, I am thankful to have him. He is my son...I am his mom. It is as simple as that.

Mary

thanks for the kind words. i'm not angry at him right now, and not really sad either. just kind of like, "huh?!" i dont know how to feel. he hadnt been drinking at the time of our discussion. he had just gotten home from work. i know i shouldnt take it personally, because he's always saying stupid things that he doesnt mean or understand.

but i dunno, it just makes me wonder a little.

ever since my daughter was born, i have completely given up my life for her. i used to be a party girl (but not a drinker and not into drugs), had tons of friends, worked full time, had a car, had lots of money, and i always had a boyfriend. but i gave up everything once i got pregnant. she has been my world. my siblings and their SO's all think i'm a big loser. my old friends from my party days are all grown up, married, buying houses, and have careers. i hear comments all the time from people about how i supposedly live a life of luxury, living with my mother. how i'm too lazy to get a job. how it must be nice to get free money from the state. how i'm such a little girl for still living with my mommy. but i sit there and i take whatever they throw at me, because i know that my situation right now is the best i can do, and its the best thing for my child. i have always put her before me.

but this all goes back to his comment about adoption. do people think that i'd rather put myself before her? do people view me as being that selfish? generally, i dont complain about her. this is the only life i have lived as a parent. its all i know. i dont know any different. sure, sometimes i want to do things for me and put her on the backburner, but i just cannot bring myself to do that. she's too important. i think even if she didnt have autism, i'd feel the same way. and because i feel this way, it affects even the rare occasions that i do go out for a night. i always wait real late until she's sound asleep before i leave, and i make sure i'm home early enough at night so that i can get some decent sleep and be ready bright and early to make her breakfast by the time she wakes up. she never even knows i'm gone.

i thought i was being a good parent. maybe i'm overbearing? or maybe i think i'm doing good, but i'm still not doing enough? i'm not sure. heh.. as you can tell, i'm the most indecisive, insecure, unsure human being on this planet!

i am a true gemini.

now i'm just rambling. i have a lot on my mind besides just this, so i think i'm taking the stress from everything else and putting it into this, giving this subject way too much thought. i need to unscramble my head a little bit, i think.

I am new

Just wanted to say hi and I'm so happy to have found this place

Sunny Is it possible your step father had been somewhere drinking prior to coming home from work? I know of alcoholics that pack a cooler of beer and take it in the car so on lunch break they can sneak a beer and as soon as the work day is over they have a beer before even getting in the car to drive home!

If he usually not the brightest crayon in the box then I would take what he said with a grain of salt... if nothing else then because you live there and peace is easier to deal with. I would speak to him as Rachelle suggested when you know he hasn't been drinking.

You asked if people think you are a bad parent or what you may have said or done to make him say ask you about putting her up for adoption.... He probably didnt mean it as it sounded - it could be as others have said his way of basically giving you a smack of reality especially since he said thats what he thought after you responded. MAYBE (I dont know - I wasnt there) But maybe he took it as though you were complaining and he was trying to make you stop? I don't mean that in a negative way towards you but people dont realize what we go through.

I am a single parent with 3 kids. My oldest has some pretty nasty behaviors to say the least, Tyler has autism and my little one alot of the time falls through the cracks becaus ethe other 2 are so needy so she whines and clings to me. I dont have a support system, family or friends who help..... I am unable to work right now due to an injury that will likely require at least 1 more surgery as well as the fact I have no available daycare in our school district and I have been unsucessful in finding in home daycare so far. POINT BEING I sit here with no money to go anywhere or so anything... I stare at the damn 4 walls day after day... I have no adult conversation day after day after day.... no break from the kids,,.... and all the stresses and struggles of daily life, financial problems, raising kids, raising special needs kids, the fights with the school, SSI, the jobs and family services office,.... its endless.......

When I did have this guy I had been dating what did I have to talk about? I didn't get out... what did you do today? Well we went to OT appt then he had a meltdown over the sun being too bright, tried to stop to get milk on the way home but he had a meltdown over my not buying him a pinwheel he saw.... took 1 1/2 hrs to get him in strapped in before I could go he was biting himself banging his head....after I got him home his little sister threw a fit because he was running through the living room and bumping into her trying to watch a video, then he started screaming and banging his head because he needed to watch his favorite cartoon.... I made lunch but he threw that because it wasnt on the right plate...... so it was a 45 minute struggle to make him help me pick up the food on the floor. Then the teen came in screaming and slamming the door because I didnt have the money to give her to go to with friends out to lunch.....

Anyway you get my point... Most of us can understand someone elses day because we live it... it isnt complaining --- THEY ASKED what I did today. I can say nothing since i did nothing FOR MYSELF or I can tell them the life as a parent of special needs child and then its constrewed as complaining..... anyway needless to say that relationship didnt last long, he told me I was always complaning! LOL Possibly if this is a subject thats talked alot about or maybe if you we're stating the pros and cons and what your friends have vs what you have just to gve a comparison to paint a picture he may have taken it as complaining and with his comment been trying to say well this is your life with your child you have 2 options deal with it or change it .....

thanks you guys. really. i'm feeling a lot better today, especially after reading all these great responses.

and i just want you all to know that when i post something and you guys give me a negative response (as long as its not down right insulting and argumentative) i will try not to take it the wrong way. i have a very open mind towards others opinions and i take everything as constructive criticism. sometimes my view on things is clouded and others can see things that i cannot. i welcome people who can show me other sides of things.

i'm really not mad at my step-dad. he means well, and he loves my daughter so much. she is not his granddaughter biologically, but he does more for her than he does for any of his other grandkids. he's very protective of her and only wants whats best for her. he has done so much for us. he knows i'm on a budget and cannot afford everything we need. he has gone out of his way to get extra money to put extra locks on doors. he is the one that built her special bed. you should see the playground he built for her in the yard! all the other kids call it "the park" lol!

i guess i didnt think about it last night, but i'm sure he had a few beers before coming home from work. its part of his routine. he always stops at our neighborhood bar right after work to have a few and chat with his buddies. he certainly wasnt drunk, but i'm sure he had some alcohol in him. i should have known something was up when he walked in the door and asked if i had gotten the mail. i told him yes. then he asked where my mom was, i told him she was at the neighbors. then he asks "did you get the mail today?" he asked the same question within 30 seconds!

this kind of thing is very typical of him.

he's a good guy, really. he's done so much for me. we have had our share of bad problems (grrr at alcoholism) but for the most part we get along ok. i cant hold this against him. i think i was just so shocked last night, and i was emotionally charged from everything else that i've been going through right now.

i want to thank you guys again. you have helped to settle my fears.

Ali... LOL your post had me cracking up! thats just what i needed!

hi there,

i too really want to move to a state where homes are more afordable but when i factor in my ds i have to stay,(education) and try to figure something out is what i tell my self. I am sure wa ever decision u make will be the best for u both.

sonia

(((((Sunny)))))

hmmm...so can you give up your step dad for adoption? grrr...sorry for the cocky remark, its not against you hon, I kinda have a family member like that, we almost ignore everything they say, but then they have a lucid moment and you may forget how off they are and tell them something or ask their opinion and then WHAM...you get floored by the off the wall comment they give you...

The other day that memeber of my family told me to ask the doctor for something to give my son so that he would eat more or different foods...and then that they heard of an herb that would increase his appetite...lol, yup I think in my younger days I knew where you could get that herb too God fogive me lol...ANYWAY...what I wanted to say to you was just let it slide off your back, no one would think that of you...he probably thinks you are really stressed or overworked and maybe he because of his lack of understanding thought it was a good option...obviously NOT...but just ignore him...he's in his own suffering and the effort and love you give your little one is probably way out of his comprehension...bless you and hope you know never forget what a good mom you are...good mom's always strive to do better and even question if they are doing enough once in awhile...its normal, its healthy...big hugs to you hon!

Ali