My son Max just had a mini melt down the other day, as we were going into a car wash. Another father that was standing there with his younger daughter watched, waited and then asked...Autism? He told me that his son also has autism. We may start a local meet up group for fathers in our area.Meltdowns in public places became too much for me when my daughter was 3.5 years old. I felt like everyone was staring and thinking what a horrible parent I was to have my preschooler throw a tantrum like that. So I went on eBay and found these shirts that say "Autism is beautiful", with a happy girl smiley face on it. I never got another wayward glance after that. She doesn't wear the shirt in public anymore because she's doing a lot better, but it really helped several months ago.
Again I ditto alot of what everyone said -- YOU DID GREAT! Yes, it still bothers me when my ds has a meltdown at 9 1/2 but I care less what others think now than I use to. I have been in positions as a single mom where I was unable to just pick up and go b/c of a meltdown especially if it was grocery shopping where I needed what I had in the cart. I learned to get into the 'invisible mode' where I really did not care who or what was staring at me. I would get down on my ds level - eye to eye - and let him know I knew he was having a difficult time and but TODAY we can not do or want whatever the issue was. (I would word it where I never used the word NO as they just made things much worse). I would 'try' to redirect him - for example: Oh shoot - I need to get that bread over there and I need help (and make a big deal out of it) - can you grab it for me. Knowing that he was able to help me seemed most times to turnaround the problem. Grant you -- it did not work all the time and many a times I wanted to pull my hair out right there in the isle. I now take advantage of grocery shopping on-line - where I submit the list and they shop and delivery for a very minimal charge. This way I only need to go grocery shopping when I know I only have little to get. All my big grocery shopping is done online. I really don't think my ds could stand being in the grocery store for an hour while I did the shopping then patiently wait in line. Someday I hope that to happen, but for now we make the trips short and sweet and I award both boys with both verbal praise (90% of the time) and other times special treats when we get home if the shopping goes without incident.
Sorry for the book here - but know that you did great by picking up and going. I am glad that you had ur dh there to help out. Try lil' trips with him and if he does great give him that verbal praise! Good luck to you! Marti
I have gotten really mad and said " Thanks for staring it is really helping" or "Keep staring I think you are curing his Autism" the last one is from my favorite shirt of all time.My son is 16 and, although he no longer has meltdowns, sometimes his behavior in public can be odd for someone his age (too loud, too immature, etc.) This can result in uncomfortable stares. Sometimes I still do what I did when he was little and melting down. I turn to the starer and politely say, "Sorry, he's autistic." They lay off.
Of course, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation, but long ago I decided two things:
1. It's important to do what makes life easier for US. And having people quit staring makes things easier.
2. I would use the "A" word publicly. Back in the early 1990's, when my son was small, "autism" was not whispered in polite society. People thought these kids were just head-banging oddities. I wanted people to see autism for what it really looks like and to not feel ashamed that my son was responding to his disability, not to lack of discipline. Other adults should stop being so judgemental, and saying "autism" to them helped accomplish that. I feel as though we, personally, have helped blaze the trail for bringing autistic kids out into the public arena by SAYING the "A" word and exposing our son to others. As I said, he is now 16 and we can bring him anywhere.
I always say practice at home is the best thing to do. Easier said than done, but I try to anticipate things like this. You know your son is going to ask for things in a store, so at home put his favorite toy up high where he can see but not reach. When he asks for it, sometimes let him have it and sometimes not. Practicing saying no and how to take no is very important. It won't garuntee anything in public, but at least you will know he CAN cope with no.The worst time for us was when our then 6 year old started repeatedly slamming the child-size grocery cart into the cashier's counter. He melted down because I said no to buying candy, but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. He had gotten a series of no's in the store, and was hungry, tired, and stressed.
I took a class for parents of special needs kids, with elements of life coaching, and getting over that feeling of being "on stage" was one thing I worked on. As someone else on this forum once put it, "who cares about them? they don't pay your bills." It's hard not to care, though. It really helped me to understand that I am a good mom, and to develop a plan to handle escalation and meltdowns, so I go in "professional autism mom" mode when a meltdown hits, and manage to keep my cool. Staying calm myself is key to minimizing a meltdown.
I had to develop a meltdown plan on my own, but later I found internet resources that I could have used. They're listed under the following topic on our forum, and many mothers here have told me that they're helpful, even life-changing.
http://www.autism-pdd.net/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=17134&am p;KW=meltdown+resources
Good luck with everything.
Generally I say nothing - I just get us away ASAP.Thank you for your help! You guys are great!
Donna
You did the right thing. I just keep on going. I usually don't notice unless my dh or other kids are with me and they point it out. I don't care much what other people think. No one has ever made a comment to me although my dh has said they have to him. My dh says I have this look that makes people think twice before approaching me
ETA: NT 2.5 year olds have temper tantrums and meltdowns too.
Okay, so what do you say when you are out and your ds or dd has a meltdown?
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Nothing - Most parents have been there.
Even though it's hard, I would focus on my child and try not to care what others were thinking.
Okay, so what do you say when you are out and your ds or dd has a meltdown? Luckily I was with my dh and was able to help with my daughters and finish our shopping. I had to pick up and leave with my ds because he was screaming and crying. Other shoppers were rolling their eyes and staring. I just wanted to scream at them too but I just kept talking to my son and removed him from the store. Got anything witty?
I know why he got mad. He saw a train and wanted to see it. I told him we didn't need the train and we can get his when we get to the van. He started to scream and point at it. I said "use your words" and he stopped screaming and said "train" I was happy he said "train" but he wouldn't move up in line or leave where the train was he couldn't get. When I made him leave (picked him up) that's when he got mad and started the extreme screaming, crying and refusing to move. Should I have done anything different? I don't want to give in to buying things. My dh said I did the right thing.
Thanks, Donna
Alex- 2.5 ASD, Becca- 4.5 NT, Hannah 7 NT
Ya know, when my son was little, I had an approach that can be summarized in the phrase "try anything." So I even tried spanking (a couple of sharp whacks on the butt, not beating). It worked for the moment, but it caused him to develop SUCH anger over time (and I didn't even do it much), that the price was WAY too high. I had much less guidance back in the early 1990's than we have available now. Now there is plenty of research and experience that confirms that punishment of any kind with ASD kids typically makes things worse, not better (of course, this varies from child to child). My guess is that's because our kids tend to hyperfocus, they remember the punishment, not what they did to deserve it. So they just feel persecuted and learn nothing. Also, some of our kids have such little reaction to pain that we would have to hit them HARD to get their attention. And this is besides the point that spanking, for many parents, is an off-limits form of punishment, period.
All that said, I've sometimes said to people I know who've suggested spanking (of course, no one suggests that anymore now that our son is as big and tall as a typical professional linebacker!) that if spanking could cure autism, my son would get spanked EVERY DAY until the autism went away. Of course, spanking doesn't. Who among us wouldn't try ANYTHING if it made our kids' lives better? Even spanking if it did. But it doesn't.
Though it is rough to deal with when this happens and others are rude to us by thier stares ,comments etc, I try not be rude back to them. I ussually say "forgive us please , he has autism " or " pardon us , he's having an autism moment ". Ussually the last comment lowers the tension tremendously and We often get smiles and or a pat on the back.|
One day I was in a bad mood and my pdd child started stressing out in the middle of a store. ppl kept walking by staring and one even stopped and kept looking. I looked down at her and placed my hand on her head and screamed " come out of there satan" The people went on and that brought on a fit of giggles instead of tears and tantrums. My granny would beat me if she heard what I did. LOL That'll teach them to mind their own business. |