Blue Sunday | Autism PDD

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Kellie,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a bad day.  I know how hard it is going in public and seeing children even younger than Adam appropriately communicating with their parents.  Today in walmart while we were shopping Adam was walking along side the buggy.  When you look at my child you see a 3 1/2 year old that behave's like a 2 year old.  He also has a funny gait about him so we are already getting stares.  His language is not appropriate so when people do talk to him they seem confused when he doesn't answer their questions. I know how hard it is sometimes.  Luke can learn...he will just learn differently.  As far as it seeming foriegn to you having a special needs child...I think that is normal for a lot of us.  I questioned myself if I would be able to handle it.  I still do sometimes.  I don't believe that all that money will be thrown out the window.  If it were for a child going to college and they never finished a degree then I would say that it would be more on the lines of throwing the money out.  I think ABA is a great thing if your able to afford it.  I look forward to hearing about the progress that I'm sure he will make with ABA.  I'm very excited for you that you are getting this started soon!!  OH about the baking.....You can still bake.  You can eat it when you are up late on the computer while everyone else is sleeping!!  LOL  When I grocery shop I have always gotten myself something to hide away for just me. LOL  Also...Adam doesn't even eat what I cook because of his pickiness so maybe you can still enjoy cooking things that you know that Luke doesn't like anyway or wouldn't normally eat?   Take care...Vent all you want..we all understand.

Karrie

I had a major crying spell this a.m. about how sick I am of dealing with all this.  I was up til 1am last night scanning online sites and blogs -- and it occurred to me to wonder what I'd be doing if my son were not autistic.  Probably either sleeping or making love with my dh.  *sigh*  Nights of a good, contented sleep & worry-free intimacy are long gone.

I was at Rite Aid earlier today buying the newspaper when I saw a mom, grandmother and 2 yr old walking along.  The 2 yr old was pointing at everything and naming them, her mother was asking her questions and she was answering, etc.  It took everything I had not to cry hysterically and run out of the store.  I know we all just wrote about what we do to "cope" but sometimes I feel like my coping isn't working.  I'm just so tired of all this.  I was NOT meant to be the mother of a special needs kid.  I don't have the patience or the strength.  We've never had anything like this in our family ... if anything, we've all been ahead of the curve!!!  Please believe me, that's not meant to brag, but just to highlight how very foreign all this business is to me.  A son who can't talk???  Who can't learn???  It's like I'm in hell.

My dh just got a raise and changed his work withholdings -- we'd be able to save so much money ... but we're a few weeks away from beginning an ABA program and all our money will go out the window.  With no guarantees except that our son will NEVER recover, will always have problems, will always be different.

Well, I'm sorry for complaining and whining -- and I know I shouldn't be/c I know some of you have things much worse than I could dream, but I'm just feeling miserable.  One thing that I enjoyed doing was cooking and baking -- and can't even do THAT with worrying anymore be/c Luke has all kinds of food allergies.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi Kellie,

it is heartwrenching looking at non-autistic children interact with their entourage, when you know you'll never really have that with your child.

I am the mother of a beautiful 3 y.o. boy with the biggest blue eyes you have ever seen!  I keep telling myself he is an angel who happens to have autism and speaks to us and expresses himself in a different manner.  Oftentimes, I also have these crying moments when I think of what might have been and how unfair the situation is.

And when I'm feeling down, my little boy come to me and gives me one of his smiles - there is so much sunshine in that little face!

This weekend, I was treated to the best gift:  he gave me a kiss and said "Love"! Just blew me away!

We have been blessed with angels; they're different, they can be difficult at times but they also can be amazing.

You're a wonderful mamma; your son is very lucky!

 

You sweet women are all so wonderful.  Thanks for the support.  I don't know if my hormones are bouncing back after childbirth or if it's be/c the weather is so dreary, or if sleep deprivation is finally kicking in, but I feel like I'm at the bottom of my reserves.  Maybe I need to take a break from all this autism stuff for a little while and forget about other peoples' children and just enjoy my own.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support & understanding.  I desperately need it today.

Hugs,
Kellie

Your note touched my heart.  I'm glad you are feeling better.  And I'm glad you wrote what you did.  It's soooo healing and validating for me to hear someone say those things.  At first, I tried some groups but they were so judgemental about my feelings of devastation.  I told a mom that I felt like vomiting when I saw an NT kid with its mother talking, pointing, etc.  The woman was really put out and said that God had blessed me with my child and why should I be hateful towards others!!  I was so freaked out that I never tried a group again.  I'd just connect one on one with parents I could relate to.  Until I found this site. 

The questions and stories and heartache and triumphs are gifts I get now everyday. So Kellie thanks for the gift of helping an old wound of mine heal.  I'm so glad you are turning your day around.

pat 

Kellie,

Just one blessing to keep in mind you have met and made alot of friends here who understand you also have encouraged alot of other Mommies. I personally don't know one other mother of a child with a spectrum disorder in my small backwards County, so this board is wonderful. It's so refreshing to see such a wonderful group of parents working so hard to do whatever needs done for their kids.

Nelle

 

 

I was just thinking this also. One of my very best friends is pregnant with her first and we are very excited for her. I was just thinking that if DS didn't have autism- we would so happy and relaxed. We would likely be trying for our second - maybe my friend and I would have been pregnant together. We would be planning together and shopping for all the cute babygear. 

Instead my life is full of ABA, ST, OT, vision therapy, IFSF and soon to add RDI. Sometimes I think I'm biting off more than I can chew with these therapies. It's just so stressful- physically, mentally and financially.

I also think I was not meant to be a mom for a special needs child. I have no patience. DH and I are both physicians and we're of the mind set that if you just work hard enough- you should be able to fix it! LOL!

But I am also enjoying those little moments with DS. He is of course way behind. He just started pointing this week- about 18 months late- but hey I'll take it.

Everyone has these moments-so don't feel bad. But I do think things it get easier with time. The pain never quite goes away but it not quite so new and raw.

Take care of yourself!

 

aww Kellie,

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time of it............we all do from time to time........but i want you to know that  Sweetie, you are definately cut out to be a mom to a special needs kid or you wouldn't have one ........God doesn't  make mistakes.............and he gave you two beautiful little boys.............each one special and unique in his own way............the mother and toddler you saw at rite aid in all probability have a different set of problems......everybody has some time of trial in there life............ours happens to be raising special children......it is hard and it is scary..........but chin up girl you will and he will be just fine.........let those tears fly.......cry as much as you want......you need to vent........sand we are all here for you........God bless Honey.......it will get better..........there is always sunshine in another day..............

Kellie,
I'm sorry too that you're having a bad day...I know how it is, all of sudden it all hits you at one time and it's really overwhelming. 
Here's my take on you (hope you don't mind me doing some assuming

I have to tell you though, he's only 2.  By 3 Riley had only 5 words, right now, almost 6 years later, he never stops talking.  I know some kids will be different, and I know it's not the same as "NT" kids, and no he doesn't always make sense...but he has come SO far and accomplished SO much since starting therapies at age 3.  It is still hard for me too to see him around other kids his age, it is different, maybe it always will be.  But  these little guys are so amazingly strong and willful, I still have no real idea how far he'll go, and whatever happens, I'm still the one who's blessed.  He's definitely the strongest person I know.

It's OK to cry and mourn what "could have been"...I was told once that it is an ever-changing cycle from mourning to proactive madness (certainly true for me)....but I don't doubt for a minute that Luke is in the best possible hands. 

Hugs, Lesley

P.S.  My husband is a chef, so he's never home before 10:30 at night....I make time very late at night to just sit and talk with him for at least 10 minutes...  without it we'd both go mad.  Take 5-Kellie, you've certainly earned it....I'm raising my big-a$$ margarita to you and yours! 

(speaking of baking, waiting stressfully last week for my older son's visit to the hematologist, and Riley's Upper GI, I made 4 loaves of french bread, 4 dozen soft pretzels, and 8 dozen cookies...it's a great therapy for me too! - Don't give up on it, it just sounds like you have to start up a "test-kitchen" for revised recipes!  And Luke can help with some...as we say here "Making cookies is a very messy job!" )

Kellie,

               Hang in there better days are coming!!! All of the emotions and things you are feeling are ok I am sure we have all felt them!! You will be surprised at how much the ABA will help him!! Especially starting him at such a young age!!! I am thinking of you!
                                       Nita

Thank you again, everyone.

After completely ignoring me all morning (very little eye contact and humming just two notes of some song), as I was changing his poopy diaper, he pulled me down to his face and gave me a HUGE kiss.  That made me feel so good. :)  Realistically speaking, I guess most of our kids have good days and bad days (even the NT ones) and I should just get over it and get used to the fact that some weeks Luke will make huge strides of progress and some weeks it'll be like he's gone backwards.  And, of course, you are all right about with continued therapy he will eventually move much further forward.  I CAN'T WAIT to begin ABA!!  (LOL ... then I'll be on here complaining about THAT! LOL)

Pat: I'm so glad I could help.  I, too, always feel so comforted when I read someone writing things here that I can completely relate to (and had previously thought I was the only one thinking or feeling!). 

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