Hi everyone! Newbie here W/Questions | Autism PDD
Hi everyone! I was up looking for groups that offer support for parents
of autistic children and I found this wonderful messaging board. I
have a three-year-old beautiful daughter with autism. She is a
blessing to us beyond words. It is very important to us that we have
more children. We are fortunate to have many resources available to us
to have another child and still provide valuable care for our
daughter. My husband cannot have anymore children, so our next option
is adoption. We have not begun the process, but are afraid that
agencies will not allow us to adopt a child with our daughter's
disorder. Does anyone know if this is the case, especially with
international adoption, as we are looking to adopt from Mexico. From
reading posts, I think that someone may have offended other members
with their posts, and I do hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings, by
asking my question. I would not change my daughter for anything. She
has opened my eyes as to how beautiful and exciting life can be. She
loves with all her might, a trait the world could use much more of
these days! I know there are those who don't feel someone like me
should have more children, but I have never cared what people think. I
strongly believe the number one goal of humanity is to raise and care
for our children, biological, adopted, whatever their strengths and
weaknesses are! Rosy-colored glasses I know, but hey! pink's my
favorite color
We were looking into adoption ourselves...they never gave us any static over Payne's dx...international or domestic. It really depends on open or closed adoption though.
We would definitely do a closed adoption. Do you think that would be more difficult than an open one?
No. I think it actually would be easier. If your child is not severe I would try to avoid talking about it if possible though...some people don't understand autism well enough. They think that it is ALWAYS time consuming and the kids are violent and uncontrollable all the time...which there are times when that is true, but not always. IMHO. Where do you reside? I live in Florida and we took the MAP classes (required to adopt) and had even started into the home study (required as well).
Good luck, the more babies, the better. My dh and I have 4 between us, 1 with mod-severe autism/severe adhd, 1 with add/anxiety disorder and possible Aspergers, 1 with moderate adhd and 1 NT. They are all so special in their own little ways, but for 4 children who are not blood related (his 2 and my 2 that dh adopted) these kids are sooooo much alike personality wise.
Good luck with trying to adopt!!!
Keep us posted!
[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]No. I think it actually would be easier. If your child is not severe I would try to avoid talking about it if possible though...some people don't understand autism well enough. They think that it is ALWAYS time consuming and the kids are violent and uncontrollable all the time...which there are times when that is true, but not always. IMHO. Where do you reside? I live in Florida and we took the MAP classes (required to adopt) and had even started into the home study (required as well).
[/QUOTE]
She is fairly high functioning. I know it is really sad that alot of people, moms, especially, aren't educated on what autism is. We belong to a quote normal mommy group and one of the moms stopped letting her girls hang out with my daughter b/c she thought they would catch autism from her. Seriously ignorant this woman was. I have really tried to make sure she maintains a normal life with alot of mainstream children in it. It is important because I have found it brings her out of the brain fog she can get locked into. So, are you saying when we talk to the agency not to mention that she is autistic or just not mention it to people in general? Because we have gotten some info packs and they seem to want to know her medical history and aref. letter from her teacher. BTW, we live in orange county CA
Talk the agency and let them know your concern...they should be able to help guide you thru that part.
Good luck with trying to adopt!!!
Keep us posted!
[/QUOTE]
Thank you! I really feel the more the better, too. So are your children biological to you and then the two to your husband or did you adopt them all? Also, what does NT mean? Sorry, I'm still learning the jargin
NT- means neurotypical aka Normal
[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]No. I think it actually would be easier. If your child is not severe I would try to avoid talking about it if possible though...some people don't understand autism well enough. They think that it is ALWAYS time consuming and the kids are violent and uncontrollable all the time...which there are times when that is true, but not always. IMHO. Where do you reside? I live in Florida and we took the MAP classes (required to adopt) and had even started into the home study (required as well).
[/QUOTE]
BTW, are you doing international or domestic adoption, if you don't mind me asking Someone told me that international adoption is much easier, especially with the home inspection process. I know in CA you can wait up to five years for an infant or young child with no disabilities.
[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]NT- means neurotypical aka Normal
[/QUOTE]
Oh, ok Thanks!
If you go to the top of this page and hit 'search' and search for 'abbreviations' it should bring up posts with what they mean.
Oh, that's neat! Great thanks for the info. I just joined about 45 mins. ago and I have already met such helpful people!!
[QUOTE=inanotherlife]
[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]No. I think it actually would be easier. If your child is not severe I would try to avoid talking about it if possible though...some people don't understand autism well enough. They think that it is ALWAYS time consuming and the kids are violent and uncontrollable all the time...which there are times when that is true, but not always. IMHO. Where do you reside? I live in Florida and we took the MAP classes (required to adopt) and had even started into the home study (required as well).
[/QUOTE]
BTW, are you doing international or domestic adoption, if you don't mind me asking Someone told me that international adoption is much easier, especially with the home inspection process. I know in CA you can wait up to five years for an infant or young child with no disabilities.
[/QUOTE]
We were going to do domestic. We were actually looking at being foster parents first and then adopting. My dh decided that he couldn't do that (seeing all the abused children going back to their abusive families) and he saw no reason for us to spend a lot of $$ adopting a baby from out of the country when so many people who want them, but can not have them would adopt them - it takes forever sometimes to adopt a baby and even then it could be VERY complicated stateside. So...we're just going to do this naturally. It's a risk, but we're prepared.
[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]
Talk the agency and let them know your concern...they should be able to help guide you thru that part.
[/QUOTE]
Ok, thank you I will. We were afraid that they would reject us, but it's worth so worth a shot.
It depends on your agency and it depends on the country you are adopting from. I used to work in adoption - but not in international adoptions. I know that some countries have very strict rules about families while others don't. I'm sorry I don't know about Mexico's, but I would suspect they aren't as strict (I could be wrong).
I would definitely talk to the agency you are working with. However, I would do a lot of investigating of every agency first - to make sure you are working with a reputable one. I have just heard too many horror stories! And, I don't know how adoptions from Mexico are, but if you are adopting from some South American countries - you better be prepared to be shelling out several extra thousand dollars at the end for "bribes". Unless that has changed in the last few years - I heard many stories of that happening because once they have got you there - they tell you they have all these other "fees" you knew nothing about.
Not trying to discourage adoption at all - I'm adopted and I'm all for it! But, didn't want you to go into it with rose-colored glasses and then become bankrupt!
As far as the autism issue, I would guess that it would be somewhat of a concern for an agency. Mainly because your biological child is going to require a lot more financially and emotionally than a "typical" child would. They should want to make sure that you are able to cope with that and, if I were your caseworker, I would request you each to do an individual psychological assessment (which should be done anyway) as well as a family psychological assessment which should be done in your home with everyone present and possibly occur over 2-3 times. Not just a home visit, but an actualy psychological assessment of the whole family. That is what I feel a responsible caseworker should do - it is nothing against you at all! They just should be trying to make sure that the placement would be a stable one and not disrupt - which is extremely traumatic on the child and terribly difficult for the adoption agency to then find a new placement for the child as people will assume the placement disrupted due to the child (which may not be the case).
That being said, if you are financially and emotionally capable of handling an adopted child, autism shouldn't be an issue. Remember that children adopted internationally can come with issues as well - varying from physical to psychological (which may not manifest until teenage years). So, you have to prepare financially for that as well - just in case! If you adopt domestically through child protective services, you can receive funding for the child. Some parents choose to take only a month, but they do that just to have the Medical Assistance coverage in case (in the long run) the child requires intense psychological treatment.
Again, I'm not trying to scare you - but adoption is not something you want to go into with rose-colored glasses. You need to be 100% committed, and also aware of what can happen. I have always wanted to adopt and I have been told I have a gift working with tweens and teens in foster care. I would love to take one into our home permanently through adoption. But, I just don't have enough emotional strength to do that and take care of my other two children. It is awesome that you feel you do - you must be one very strong person! Just make sure that you become very educated on issues surrounding adoption and make sure you know what you are getting into.
I have seen lots of parents who have a lot of love to give think that love will conquer everything - but, unfortunately, it doesn't and those adoptions or foster care placements often disrupt - which is hard on everyone.
Good luck - sorry to sound so negative, just trying to be realistic! BTW, I don't find your post at all offensive and am wondering what posts you are referring to. I probably was involved as there have been a lot of controversial topics this past week!
Mexico ... http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/country/country_419. html
There's a description of the process.
Our homestudy Social Worker has an autistic son, and just adopted from China! I know many people who have adopted for the very reason that htey already have a child with special needs due to a genetic problem. However, it might depend on the country of origin for your child, whether they will accept a SN child already in the home or not.
[QUOTE=foxl]
I have adopted three times, internationally. India, Guatemala, China. PM me if you have any questions!
Mexico ... http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/country/country_419. html
There's a description of the process.
Our homestudy Social Worker has an autistic son, and just adopted from China! I know many people who have adopted for the very reason that htey already have a child with special needs due to a genetic problem. However, it might depend on the country of origin for your child, whether they will accept a SN child already in the home or not.
[/QUOTE]
Thank you soooo very much! That link was wonderful!! I think it answered about 5 questions I had! Wow! You are pretty amazing to have adopted from three different countries. It is hard trying to assimilate each child, while still providing traditions from their own country? Thanks again for the info!
We are having a GREAT time -- my DH is a geographer, and we love all three cultures and once you start doing comparative stuff, it is not hard at all. The hard part is dealing with the language transition -- and even that is not so bad.
It was not hard to do the three processes -- we used the same agency for all three kids and that helped! Plus there is a TON of info online ...
ETA: Snoopy -- our atty in Guatemala uses the term "Natural Parent," adn it is all through the paperwork, even. But in the US, yes, it is sometimes considered offensive. Like adoptive parents are "unnatural."
But ... Guatemala is a country where relinquishment is legal, so the birth mother is known. Many people who adopt from there maintain semi-open or open adoption and contact birth mothers later on. We are hoping to do so in a few years, but things are complicated by socioeconomic differences, etc.
If you are interested there is a forum called soul of adoption that discusses triad issues (birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted adults), including some interesting stuff about dishonesty from agencies, in medical and social records, in domestic adoptions ...
Basically, I have taken ALL medical info received with a huge grain of salt!
Well, that's a good point about medical info. But that is also why I recommend dealing with a reputable adoption agency that is licensed. I actually don't spend much time dealing with adoption issues anymore - now that I'm a stay at home mom - because personally I don't need it and professionally I've taken a hiatus!
Obviously, other countries are often going to try to make the child more appealing and may alter medical info. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen in this country! There are certainly "private" adoptions (done through attornies) where that may happen. But I hope a licensed adoption agency would not do that - there are serious consequences if they do!
And yes, other countries do use the term "natural" parent and Iowa law used that term until about 13 years ago. After the Baby Jessica case, we fought to change the laws and make adoption a better process. BTW, I knew several people involved in that case and the adoptive parents were the ones who continually broke the law. They were very good at getting good press coverage though! Anyway, the term natural parent may also be a product of translation as well - or just an out-dated use of the term that they just haven't bothered to change!
I am in favor of semi-open adoptions. I think it's good for the child to have that line of communication open just in case. But that's just me! I have done a search and they have been unable to locate my birthmother and/or she is just not responding to requests (which they strongly feel is the case). I would like to know more about my history (especially given the possible genetic issues with ds and autism). But, I have to respect her privacy as well... It wouldn't have been an issue if we had been able to have a semi-open adoption when I was adopted way back in the Dark ages!
First lesson: in the adoption community we use the word "biological parent" as opposed to "natural parent" (as that implies there is some kind of "unnatural" parent!).
There are laws to protect you in terms of domestic adoptions, but there are always risks. If you are doing international, please make sure that the child that is placed with you has a medical history and that they (the agency) know who the biological parents are. Your child may some day want to search (and you should let him/her when s/he is an adult - it is not about not loving you, it is about finding out about themselves and who they are) and if the agency doesn't have any info on the biological parents - that will be impossible. Plus, you want to know what the child is at risk for and if for some reason, they every develop a life-threatening condition - well, you want to be able to contact a blood relative for donations.
Just lots of things to think about!
It depends on your agency and it depends on the country you are adopting from. I used to work in adoption - but not in international adoptions. I know that some countries have very strict rules about families while others don't. I'm sorry I don't know about Mexico's, but I would suspect they aren't as strict (I could be wrong).
I would definitely talk to the agency you are working with. However, I would do a lot of investigating of every agency first - to make sure you are working with a reputable one. I have just heard too many horror stories! And, I don't know how adoptions from Mexico are, but if you are adopting from some South American countries - you better be prepared to be shelling out several extra thousand dollars at the end for "bribes". Unless that has changed in the last few years - I heard many stories of that happening because once they have got you there - they tell you they have all these other "fees" you knew nothing about.
Not trying to discourage adoption at all - I'm adopted and I'm all for it! But, didn't want you to go into it with rose-colored glasses and then become bankrupt!
As far as the autism issue, I would guess that it would be somewhat of a concern for an agency. Mainly because your biological child is going to require a lot more financially and emotionally than a "typical" child would. They should want to make sure that you are able to cope with that and, if I were your caseworker, I would request you each to do an individual psychological assessment (which should be done anyway) as well as a family psychological assessment which should be done in your home with everyone present and possibly occur over 2-3 times. Not just a home visit, but an actualy psychological assessment of the whole family. That is what I feel a responsible caseworker should do - it is nothing against you at all! They just should be trying to make sure that the placement would be a stable one and not disrupt - which is extremely traumatic on the child and terribly difficult for the adoption agency to then find a new placement for the child as people will assume the placement disrupted due to the child (which may not be the case).
That being said, if you are financially and emotionally capable of handling an adopted child, autism shouldn't be an issue. Remember that children adopted internationally can come with issues as well - varying from physical to psychological (which may not manifest until teenage years). So, you have to prepare financially for that as well - just in case! If you adopt domestically through child protective services, you can receive funding for the child. Some parents choose to take only a month, but they do that just to have the Medical Assistance coverage in case (in the long run) the child requires intense psychological treatment.
Again, I'm not trying to scare you - but adoption is not something you want to go into with rose-colored glasses. You need to be 100% committed, and also aware of what can happen. I have always wanted to adopt and I have been told I have a gift working with tweens and teens in foster care. I would love to take one into our home permanently through adoption. But, I just don't have enough emotional strength to do that and take care of my other two children. It is awesome that you feel you do - you must be one very strong person! Just make sure that you become very educated on issues surrounding adoption and make sure you know what you are getting into.
I have seen lots of parents who have a lot of love to give think that love will conquer everything - but, unfortunately, it doesn't and those adoptions or foster care placements often disrupt - which is hard on everyone.
Good luck - sorry to sound so negative, just trying to be realistic! BTW, I don't find your post at all offensive and am wondering what posts you are referring to. I probably was involved as there have been a lot of controversial topics this past week!
Thank you for all your honest talk
I really appreciate it. We have actually been considering adoption for a year now when we found about my husband's condition. There is so much risk with adoption, but there is risk with having your own children, too. My background is actually severe special ed. and behavioral problems, so I am somewhat prepared for challenges that may come with adoption. I guess when I say "rosy-colored glasses" I mean that with all the challenges I have faced in my life ( I lost my mom as a teen, as well), I still remain positive and hopeful. I guess I do think that love conquers all, but you have to have a really good war plan! Thanks again. Oh! and as far the offensive posting, I just read that there were some hurt feelings from a post on the extreme makeover posting. I can't say exactly what was said, just that there were several angry threads about what was said. GOOD LUCK - KEEP US POSTED ON YOUR PROGRESS....you're doing a world of good for some kid that needs a wonderful parent. [QUOTE=snoopywoman]
First lesson: in the adoption community we use the word "biological parent" as opposed to "natural parent" (as that implies there is some kind of "unnatural" parent!).
There are laws to protect you in terms of domestic adoptions, but there are always risks. If you are doing international, please make sure that the child that is placed with you has a medical history and that they (the agency) know who the biological parents are. Your child may some day want to search (and you should let him/her when s/he is an adult - it is not about not loving you, it is about finding out about themselves and who they are) and if the agency doesn't have any info on the biological parents - that will be impossible. Plus, you want to know what the child is at risk for and if for some reason, they every develop a life-threatening condition - well, you want to be able to contact a blood relative for donations.
Just lots of things to think about!
[/QUOTE]That is all true and, yes, "natural parent" was the wrong word, I just had brain freeze. We are absolutely open to the child finding their adoptive parents when they are older. We would never deny them that. We just feel, like a lot of adoptive parents I have met, that we want the chance to develop a close bond with our child, without the possible risk of harassment from a possibly mentally unstable biological parent. I definitely agree with you on the medical background, as well, but do you think a lot of agencies have a lot of medical info on their orphaned children? That seems pretty advanced for a third world impoverished country. Thanks for the great insight!
[QUOTE=Payne's Mom]GOOD LUCK - KEEP US POSTED ON YOUR PROGRESS....you're doing a world of good for some kid that needs a wonderful parent. [/QUOTE]
Thanks! Good luck to you, too
Thanks.
Well, lack of medical info is and/or info about biological parents is one reason why I am cautious about international adoption. I'm not saying that people shouldn't adopt kids who have none of this - but that it makes a possibly difficult situation that much more difficult. I'm talking from my perspective - if I were adopting, that is what I would do. Since I already have a child with special needs, then I try to make other things in my life easier - not possibly more challenging!
Good luck to you all!
[QUOTE=foxl]We are having a GREAT time -- my DH is a geographer, and we love all three cultures and once you start doing comparative stuff, it is not hard at all. The hard part is dealing with the language transition -- and even that is not so bad.
It was not hard to do the three processes -- we used the same agency for all three kids and that helped! Plus there is a TON of info online ...
ETA: Snoopy -- our atty in Guatemala uses the term "Natural Parent," adn it is all through the paperwork, even. But in the US, yes, it is sometimes considered offensive. Like adoptive parents are "unnatural."
But ... Guatemala is a country where relinquishment is legal, so the birth mother is known. Many people who adopt from there maintain semi-open or open adoption and contact birth mothers later on. We are hoping to do so in a few years, but things are complicated by socioeconomic differences, etc.
[/QUOTE]That is great. The language barrier is what my husband is having difficulty with. That maybe they won't be able to pick up the language, but he is silly b.c he speaks Spanish well, as he is half Mexican - hence why we would like to adopt from. He was raised in the culture, so he understands it and that will help our child assimilate. So, do you have a biological child, as well, and does that child have autism? If so, was it difficult for the child to adjust to siblings? Thanks for all your great insight!
No bio kids -- my oldest adopted daughter is the one who is on the specturm. BARELY ...
Adopting the second was GREAT -- she was ECSTATIC to have companionship! (What does this tell you?). But ... she let him dominate the relationship, initially, and called him her OLDER brother!
Getting her a little sister was harder b/c of the whole Daddy relationship thing. I took her to China to pick up her little sister, last Sept. It was stressful and yet, they play VERY WELL together. We went through a period of her crying and saying "I wish she had stayed in CHINA!" But it was brief.
As far as cultural/language transition goes, they learn the second language SO quickly before about 5 yrs. It is just that you have to make sure you use a lot of exaggerated non-verbal gesture, to make emotional intent clear.
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