That being said, some of our kids can be loud and even slightly scary to other kids when they hand-flap, become aggressive, etc. So that takes a good teacher/adult/parent to intervene and explain the behaviors and help the others help the child fit in. Okay, I'll wake up now!
I'm sorry you went through this. And I'm guessing it won't be the last time - we as parents will see this a lot with our kids, even the high-functioning ones (we've seen it a lot personally). You do develop a tougher skin eventually and can become more pro-active as well. Good luck and I'm glad you're here!
I am sorry this happened, I have been there.
My dd just started Kindergarten now but when she was in preschool I remember a few times she would get upset for someone being mean. I would get all worked up and call her school just to see what really happened...its VERY hard for my dd to explain anything to me. Sometimes I have no idea what she is talking about.
I calmed down a bit after she had been in school a few months because sadly, I saw this stuff ALL THE TIME. I cant believe how cruel kids are...to anyone. I also saw that child playing with my dd the next day sometimes. Kids are kids and some are not so nice. Everyone goes through it. Just teach you dc how to deal with it and hope for the best.
I taught my dd to ignore and make sure gets to do what she wants... example, if kids want her to leave the lego table, say no and tell them she is playing. Already this year a little girl did not want to share a marker and my dd was asking her over and over if she could have a turn...finally the girl said no becuase she did not want my dd to "copy" her work...well, my dd said, I want to copy you...so pass it over now. So honest:)
All kids have good and bad days...it will be ok:)
Hey trains_r_us. OUCH! thats a rough 1. I had my difficulties in elementary, but in kindergaden? Oddly, i dont remember much of kinder, tho i remember a ton about eveything else (i hope i did not repress that, heh)
I cant beleive he was treated like that, at such a young age. Definatly the mother is involved with that a bit, and i guess that kids not worth being friends with anyways perhapse its for the best.
Indeed, things socially will get considerably worse as he gets older, elementary school was rough for me. Around 3-6 grade was the hardest, everyone picked on me, fights/bahavior problems even resulted. Tho, it does toughen ya a bit, and of course, since your son is so young, as he gets older (middle and high school) he will probably become more receptive to the social thing, hell get better, hell get picked on less, hell make friends, and then, suddenly hell graduate. It took me a long time, ,middle and high school were the times when I really started learning why I was hated, and started doing something about it.
Your son, in kinder is far to young to pick up on these things, and so, hes in for a rough elementary school life, goes with the territory. Just be their for him, and dont be afriad to call the school if things get outa hand, and of course, later in the elementary career im sure they will.
Its rough, but itll motivate him later in life to 'fix' his social problems and become accepted. I hope everything works out for your son, like it did me in the end, and im sure things will.
I feel for all you parents, and i must admit, as i got older i started clamming all that inside, i stopped being open with them, like it was classified information or something, did not want them to know i was being picked on and bullied. Encourage them to tell you about their day as they get a little older, you may be surprised.
And BIG hugs to you... that must have hurt.. be strong.. ur boy does NOT need this kid or his mom near him.
I placed a lot of responsibility on the teacher in this area..my dd cant defend herself as nt kiddos can and is an easy target for mean kids comments and actions..I would talk to teacher to see what she can do to make your son more reinforcing to other kids..Sarah wasnt social at all but she could read so I asked her if she would let Sarah read a story or lesson sometimes:)
...I also asked if she could pair her with the nice and sweet kids for hand holding and sitting by her as much as possible..never to let her be last in line or alone..some teachers at this age will accomodate you easily if they understand the full picture of how important social belonging is to you and your child. I also made it known that I expected the teacher to keep her safe on the playground and would have a fit if Sarah got hurt and no one was around her..(they are supposed to have 3 teachers at outside recess so she should be protected) ..there was was one incident where the kids pushed her down the pole because she was too slow and none of the teachers knew about it or saw it!
The school's here have a zero tolerance for bullies...it is on the teachers to help in this area..best of luck:)
Can you present something to the class ... is there a BOOK geared toward that age for kids with developmental disabilities that you could share with them?
DH did a whole presentation on adoption and why T looks different from her parents and it REALLY helped.
Trying to think of a book or something but I bet someone else here will have one. Little kids WILL blindly follow what their parents say! However if told differently they LISTEN. Good luck -- that kid and his mom sound AWFUL.
Don't feel bad about not being ready to share the diagnosis with others. It's hard to tell others when you don't know quite what to think yourself -- at least it was for me. I also needed time to decide how private I wanted to be about the diagnosis. So to start with, I was just vague with other parents -- saying he has "delays" or "sensory issues" that we were getting checked out.
My daughter was picked on in pre-K. Keep in mind she did not talk maybe 5 words. She kept getting bruises down her legs and I was told she was falling down the stairs or like Mr. bully who should be in K or first was pushing her down the stairs. My daughter acted it out like a mime,pointing at her leg,falling to the ground ,screaming. I caught him picking on her verbly. I starred him down for 3-5 mins. My daughter hit him in the head with a log(yep) at play time. Anyways after we had moved I found out he had chipped 2 of her baby teeth. She told me about a year later when she could talk after we had moved. I explained to her that bullies like him end up in jail as adults and not to worry.
Thanks for the hug and good wishes. It did go better this morning. Three of his mainstream classmates approached him while I was talking with his special ed teacher before school started. They wanted him to chase them. This is a favorite activity for him and his girl classmates.[QUOTE=spectrummum]
We got the communication team and the school to do an assembley expalining the problems with asd
i went in with some info and a projecter(lol)
see your head teacher and senco and see if they can do it also
if not ask his class teacher if she can adress it at carpet time but make it clear not to single him out with the conversation it needs to be aimed at the class
shell
[/QUOTE]
Hi Shell, its just a group of 4 year old preschoolers, I doubt it very much that the teacher would go through the trouble of talking to them about it. I think they might be able to udnerstand though that some children are different and when they do certain things, they are not being naughty and we should try and be nice to them. You think a grown woman would understand a somple thing like that!!! grrr
Mary
[QUOTE=NorwayMom]
I'm sure that some kids feel that my son is unpredictable, and this makes them uncomfortable. Some personality types can handle this better than others.
[/QUOTE]
I know what you mean Norway Mom, but that is it that this particular boy (and his mum) look kinda mean to me...like they do have malice. If some other child has said something similar, beleive me I would not have taken it so hard.
Sorry to hear about your son too. I hope it gets better for him. Big hug to you!
Mary
[QUOTE=alwaysworried2]
I calmed down a bit after she had been in school a few months because sadly, I saw this stuff ALL THE TIME. I cant believe how cruel kids are...to anyone. I also saw that child playing with my dd the next day sometimes. Kids are kids and some are not so nice. Everyone goes through it. Just teach you dc how to deal with it and hope for the best.
All kids have good and bad days...it will be ok:)
[/QUOTE]
Yes kids are kids, and you are probably right that I will grow a thick skin with time too. And it was ME who had the bad day, my son didn't even notice what was going on... he was as happy-go-lucky as ever. :)
Mary
[QUOTE=ShelleyR]
I placed a lot of responsibility on the teacher in this area..my dd cant defend herself as nt kiddos can and is an easy target for mean kids comments and actions..I would talk to teacher to see what she can do to make your son more reinforcing to other kids..
...I also asked if she could pair her with the nice and sweet kids for hand holding and sitting by her as much as possible..never to let her be last in line or alone..some teachers at this age will accomodate you easily if they understand the full picture of how important social belonging is to you and your child.
[/QUOTE]
Good advice Shelley. I will certainly do that. Many thanks. :)
Mary
It's upsetting that this other lad is being taught such attitudes, especially at such a young age :(. Would you be able to try and talk to the mum (just general talking, not about her son's attitude). If she knows you and your son are fine, hopefully she'll stop judging. If she doesn't, well, her son is just one of a group and if he is allowed to persist in his attitude he'll find himself alone, with no one wishing to sit with him. Usually, it's adults who set the tone for children. With a mom like that, that poor child has a rough time ahead of him. Over time you will not be bothered by moms and kids like that. My DS also gets along better with girls and they are usually nicer and more accepting of him. Sometimes we run across boys who insist on having him participate in group activities. Usually when you find kids who are outright intolerant they have their own issues to deal with. Children are like adults, people who are comfortable in who they are more accepting of others. Not all issues come with a label, but if you know what is going on with some other undiagnosed kids, you would really feel sorry for them. It still hurts though, people have given good suggestions, educating the kids is key, they are not to young to listen to a story about acceptance. I hope the teacher will be willing to work with you.
Concernedpa.
[QUOTE=woodsman25]
Your son, in kinder is far to young to pick up on these things, and so, hes in for a rough elementary school life, goes with the territory. Just be their for him, and dont be afriad to call the school if things get outa hand, and of course, later in the elementary career im sure they will.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, he does not understand anything that went on yesterday, he doesn't get these things as yet, might be for the best.
Also I don't want to get too ahead of myself and think about the possible bullying or teasing that might take place at school, its too hard dealing with other issues as it is. Thanks for your response. :)
Mary
[QUOTE=foxl]
Can you present something to the class ... is there a BOOK geared toward that age for kids with developmental disabilities that you could share with them?
DH did a whole presentation on adoption and why T looks different from her parents and it REALLY helped.
[/QUOTE]
The thing is that we haven't even received the official dx yet, its that new for us. I have barely started to accept this myself, I used to cry every day last month, and I am certainly not at the place where I am comfortable talking to people about it. His kinder teacher knows obviously, but we haven't told any parents. They can tell by the immature ways of my son I am sure.
The other children have no way to be wary of my son. He doesn't hit them, or go in their space. He likes certain toys to play with and most importantly I am there with him until the aide starts working with him in 4 year kinder in Feb 2008. Sorry for my ramblings but I can't discuss my son's dx with other mums at the kinder. I hardly get a chance to talk to any of them anyways and I don't have any friendships there also. Apart from this isolated incident, I never felt any need to tell anyone but its changed now.
Mary
[QUOTE=MamaKat]
There was one little girl at Jasper's OT who ( and I hate to say this) But she
was really awful. She looked straight at me and said "he's weird!" She was
5!! I seriously wanted to shake her silly.
Next week she comes in with her mom for the first time (usually comes with
her sitter) and the mom was truly horrible! Chastising her kids every
second, threatening them for every bad behavior. She was loud and abrasive
and just plain mean. And I saw why this child was the way she was. I was
sad for the whole family....
[/QUOTE]
Don't you just feel like hating these people AT FIRST, but along the way start to have pity for them instead? They need so much education.
Mary
[QUOTE=143hayden]
I would really have a talk with the teacher about that. That child is still going to keep acting like this toward your son if his mother is like that too. Hes learning it from her! Too sad. Maybe she could put her son in a different class if it bothers her so much?
[/QUOTE]
He can't go to another class, its just one group and he will probably be in the same group for the next year as well. I do not have a problem with that, HE seems to be the one having a problem with my son. (Next year there will be an aide working with my son so its not like there would be problems between him or other children that cannot be sorted out)
I think I would definitely talk to the teacher if something like this happens again. Thanks for your advice.
And thanks to everyone who replied. I really appreciate it.
Mary
Haven't read the responses - swamped.
But a friend of Jacks said the same thing about Cole one day at a play date. We were at Turner's house, Cole and Jack had baked the cupcakes, and when the only seat left at the kiddie table was next to Cole, B said "I don' want to sit next to him!"
His mother, who either doesn't pay attention or lets her kid work out their own issues, said nothing. So I said, "well B, when you have bad manners like that, NOBODY wants to sit next to YOU either. But Cole will tolerate you because he has good manners. Now sit down and eat the cupcake he baked for you."
Don't know if you were there or not, but there is nothing wrong with speaking to another child in the same way a teacher might. YOU have to educate the kids around your son, because their parents and teachers often don't.
It also sets an example to your child not to take crap without a polite retort. One day, he WILL stand up for himself, so its better for him to learn how to do it firmly but in a gentlemanly way. Just my opinion.
We've been in this situation ourselves. Most of us here probably have been at some time or another.
With our son, his main time with being by himself is at recess. I think it tends to bother us, his parents, more than it does him. He seems perfectly content to spend most of his recess alone. When he does join in, he's more of an observer than an actual participant. For example, he's been asked to play basketball from time to time, but he acts as the "coach" most of the time. Usually if he does play with kids, it tends to be girls. I have to wonder if it's due to his sister being his main playmate or if it's because the girls tend to be more accepting. It's probably a mixture of both.
His teachers have been very good over the years as far as assigning groups in class, instead of letting the kids choose their own. He's in fifth grade this year, which is the middle school here. During lunch they still have assigned seating. However the sixth grade and higher get to choose where they want to sit. I can picture him sitting by himself during lunch for the next few years. I also know that assigned groups are are going to be gone soon, too.
He still has times when he gets upset by some of the other children. But, for the most part, his classmates tend to be very accepting of him, so far. He's been with the same group of kids since kindergarten and some since preschool. There have been a handfull of kids he's had some problems with, but even some of them got friendly with him during the following years. Kids can be downright nasty, but they can also be some of the most accepting people out there.
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