Have you had help from a feeding specialist at any point? I can definitely see why it would get pretty darn old still dealing with it at age 14.
I see no reason to feel guilty about going out to eat without him when invited out. Since he gets bored, it's not the right setting for him. Instead, you could maybe order his food and bring it home to him.
You've probably tried every trick in the book, but I thought I'd pass along this link anyways. It's an info sheet from an Australian autism society, that covers the gamut of eating difficulties.
http://www.autismsa.org.au/pdf/strategies/IS19_Eating_diffic ulties.pdf
Good luck with everything!
How do you decide that its time to stop including your child in activities and when do you stop trying to improve habits and characteristics?
My DS, 14, has issues with eating. He eats fast, stuffs his mouth, gets food on the table, floor, and his clothes. But he also gags himself and will spit the food out on the plate.
DH and DS get tired of me working on DS eating skills because he has not improved permanently. If I stay on him, he CAN eat better. But without the constant verbal clues – he immediately goes back to his pattern of eating. DS told me I treat him like he doesn’t know how to eat. So now we are wondering if we should include him if we eat out with other people. For the last two years, we have only eat out with one good family friend and she jumps right in with the verbal clues – probably been around us too long. She is comfortable enough with us to say – stop that it’s nasty to DS and keep eating without stopping in total shock. Now that we are getting more invitations to join others for dinner – is it wrong to exclude DS and take him to the babysitter? Most people are not aware of his eating habits and I would not want them to be surprised when he spits in his plate.
As a family, we eat out often and DS loves to eat and would want to go. However, after his 30 second meal, he would be bored and be a nuisance – picking his hair, licking his hands, picking at his nose and eating whatever he pulls out, etc.
Is there a happy compromise?
Since he's clearly verbal and is willing to talk about it, perhaps you should ask him. Of course, he definitely should come with you some of the time and you should always work on his eating habits when he's with you, but you two also need some time alone. Perhaps feeding him BEFORE he goes out might work. If he's not ravenous, maybe he will eat in a more civilized manner. You can use social stories to help inform him about how others see him and how much they are distubed. You might also practice, practice, practice at home. Of course, not everything can be "fixed." If he gets left with a sitter a few times, he might have more of an incentive to eat properly. Or maybe not. But if he's content to be left behind, that tells you something, too. I think its totally fine to have some time for yourself attendng to your and the needs of the other members of your family
I think it's totally fine to not include him when you go to dinner with others. Going out to dinner with friends is supposed to be relaxing. It's you're social outlet and a way to recharge. If you spend the entire meal working with your son and feeling frustrated, you lose the ability to relax and enjoy the company of others, it also inhibits others from feeling relaxed.
That being said, you can always make time to take you son out to dinner sepearately, with just your immediate family, and use it as a learning experience to work on his eating habits and table manners. Once he's ok eating out with immeidate family, then I'd include him with other folks.
You have the right to a nice relaxing meal too!