I neighbor came over to my house yesterday in a panic. Her daughter had
poked herself in the eye with something sharp while playing. They had
just moved here from China and she did not know where to go. I drove
with them to the ER and thankfully her daughter was fine. But my
neighbor was completly paralized by guilt and shame. She kept repeating
over and over 'I am at fault. I am a careless parent. I am a failure as a
parent." I was more worried about her than her daughter. She is a
wonderfult loving parent by the way and I realize some of her guilt is
cultural.
But it made me see how little guilt I felt about my kid's misadventures in
comparison. I clearly have regrets about things I should have known or
done but nowhere near that level of guilt and shame.
Anyone here feeling paralized by guilt? Where do your feelings of guilt
come from (culture/upbringing/personality/?)/?
I would say that my own sense of parenting guilt comes from two things - cultural ideals that no one can realistically live up to, plus my own personality. I hate to make mistakes, and am very hard on myself with "should haves".
[QUOTE=NorwayMom]
I would say that my own sense of parenting guilt comes from two things - cultural ideals that no one can realistically live up to, plus my own personality. I hate to make mistakes, and am very hard on myself with "should haves".
[/QUOTE]
Me too - I do this a lot
I try to remind myself that energy would be better spend on doing things rather than worrying about them but I still do
China has a strong culture of shame! And they do not understand that Americans do not. It must have been painful to see her reaction. I am glad her daughter is okay -- and, if not, her shame would have been greater.
I am grateful that I do not have feelings like that -- other than occasional twinges about the home atmosphere (ie working outside, etc.), and lack of PLAYDATES!
I can't say that I have had feelings of guilt like this....yet.I agree with NorwayMom/Kajoli/Linda - Culture plays a very significant role in shaping up expectations as & of a parent/role model and these expectations in today's world seem unrealistic at times....
I cannot say I feel a lot of guilt....at least not about such things. I do my best with Ali and try to be calm and in control and I know she is a kid and will get hurt and I am a parent and will make mistakes. However, two things make me feel very guilty where Ali is concerned: deciding not to leave my ex (who turned out to be mentally ill and abusive) when I was 2 months pregnant and found him cheating and lying once again AND having to work so much (which I have NO choice over) and not have more time with Ali.Im sure also, the change in lifestyle is a thing causing her stress, maby that was the straw on the camels back. Lets be realistic, we all want to be the best parents we can be (im not a parent, tho someday i aspire to). Things are going to happen, its life, you can be careful, cautious, thoughtful, but in the end, kids are a HUGE variable, and u cant control them 100% nor watch them 24/7 and stuff is just going to happen, so u learn, and move on. It is, im sure traumatic, but you cant blaim yourself for everything that occures in your kids life, some just happens, others, well... if u beleive in it, fate.