I am struggling right now with trying to get Mason to do things on his own. I've spent the entire summer trying to build his confidence so he feels more secure doing things for himself. One example is dressing himself. He really started doing good last year as far as getting himself dressed and being able to put the clothes on the right way, we even got snaps (no buttons yet) down! Problem is he is very reluctant to even try...so during the school year it was hard because I would hear over and over, "I can't." And when I have to get 4 kids out the door by 7:30 am I didn't have a lot of time for arguing with him, so most of the time I ended up doing it...so it was limited to a lot of weekends and also OT.
So my goal this summer was to get him to learn that yes, he can!! (without all of the arguing of him saying he can't.) So we are 2 months into summer and I still hear I can't for EVERYTHING. With it being summer, I have much more time to let him decide when he feels ready, but I thought he would be getting better than he is.
I use so much positive reinforcement and little rewards with him, but in all honesty I don't think he really cares about that kind of stuff. So I'm looking at the things he likes and I realize there isn't much.
Do any of your kids seem to struggle with confidence? I mean, that's what this is right, a confidence problem? No matter what it is I ask him to do or try, he feels like he can't do it, and that breaks my heart! And like I said even once he does do it, he doesn't seem at all proud of himself for his accomplishments.
Any thoughts or ideas on how to help him in this area? I have his neuropsych appt tomorrow and this is on the top of my list, but just thought I would see what you all have to say and what you have all tried. Thanks all!
I should add...we do use a star program at home...he gets a sticker for all the things that he does good, whether it is getting himself dressed or trying a new food--even good playing with his sister and brothers. We have changed this over and over--adding new rewards, changing the stickers, all sorts of new ideas added to it to keep the interest going and it doesn't work as much for him. (I use it with my DD and my 9 yr old DS too.) So he sees them getting stickers and rewards, and I keep changing his rewards to keep him interested and it doesn't work. A lot of the times I praise his actions and tell him you get a sticker for that and I get "I don't want sticker."
What am I doing wrong?
So he has shown you he can dress himself, but he says he can't. Are you sure he's not manipulating you because he doesn't want to? It's nice having someone do things for you. Maybe his confidence is fine and he simply doesn't want to. I think I would be a hard nose about it before school starts.
BTW - I'm guilty of helping my son get dressed when we're in a hurry. Normally he does it on his own, but I have caved on occasion.
It does sound like a confidence issue. He seems to be looking for reassurance. My oldest son can be like that. In his case, we simply nudge him along. We went to the state fair and the boys went on the bumper cars. Well, for some reason my oldest son couldn't get his to work. He got off of the ride, came up to me and started bawling. After a lot of sweet talk, he finally agreed to give it another go. Thank goodness everything worked! He often needs to be reassured.
We've never used a star chart. The only thing we ever did was high fives and praising. Since we started ABA with our youngest, we have been using reinforcers. We have a variety of little things like candy, stamps, coins .....to reward him with. He seems to especially like having stamps put on him (they do this at school to) and getting little trinkets. So far so good.
I'm not sure what to say with Mason. I know with my oldest verbal praise has always been best. I always tell him when someone has said something complimentary about him. I also remind him of his successes. For him, he seems to need a lot of ego stroking.
I don't think it's because he wants me to do it...because we are going on 2 months and still no progress...and it's not just getting dressed...it's everything I try with him...I bought him a new puzzle the other day and we sat down to do it and he got so frustrated and angry, screaming "I can't." I calmed him down and started the puzzle-handing him the pieces that went with each other and within seconds he was grabbing the right pieces and putting it together.
He is amazing at puzzles and I knew he could do it, he just couldn't admit to himself that he could do it, so he goes into these mini meltdowns on a regular basis before he will try to do anything for himself.
Do you think he is just trying to manipulate me into doing things for him? I mean even things he is good at, like a puzzle?
Thank you Norwaymom. We have the same problem. i was trying to post about it but didn't know how to word it because it is so complex.
This is exactly the change I have to make. i thought she would be successful because I KNEW she could do it, I wasn't seeing it from her point of view.
Snoopywoman's post reminded me that we've gotten a lot of mileage from the fact that he learned to read and ride a bike. We use that as a lesson to boost his confidence and a positive attitude about trying hard.It sounds to me like he gets easily overwhelmed by tasks. One thing I would do is to teach him alternate phrases to "I can't" -- like "I don't want to" "I want help" and "I don't know where to start." Visual checklists might also help, or of course just helping to break the task down verbally.
I've struggled a long time to teach my 9 year old to dress himself. Earlier this year, he finally started taking the initiative to get dressed, for example when he wanted to go outside, he would simply get dressed. It helps SO much for learning when he has that built-in motivation and initiative. It also seems to help him stay on task, although he still puts clothes on backwards. He even put on his puny little brother's jacket today and didn't notice that it was too small.
An autism consultant here says kids with autism don't learn from trial and error. All they learn is that they're prone to error. It is so important to set them up for successful experiences. A failure experience can really make an impression on them, I think, and make them reluctant to try again.
To help my son experience dressing success, we had to buy several different brands and styles of socks to find ones that he could easily put on. We also started laying his clothes out so he could "crawl right in." I put the pants on the floor zipper up, and he crawls in -- the clothes stayed put, and he could put them on without them getting twisted around, or even having to pay attention to the tag (we're focusing on the tag issue now). I put the t-shirts on the floor picture side down, and he crawls in. That trick really helped stop the dressing battles and frustration at our house.
Good luck with everything.
[QUOTE=NorwayMom]
An autism consultant here says kids with autism don't learn from trial and error. All they learn is that they're prone to error. It is so important to set them up for successful experiences. A failure experience can really make an impression on them, I think, and make them reluctant to try again.
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I never really thought about that. I suppose that is why there is an emphasis in VB/ABA on errorless teaching.
I also like the idea of teaching your child to use phrases other than "I can't."
[QUOTE=WIMomOf2]So he has shown you he can dress himself, but he says he can't. Are you sure he's not manipulating you because he doesn't want to? It's nice having someone do things for you. Maybe his confidence is fine and he simply doesn't want to. I think I would be a hard nose about it before school starts.
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This is my NT son exactly. My ASD son enjoys the praise that comes from doing things himself and is incredibly independent. He dresses himself, brushes teeth, shampoos and rinses his own hair, buckles self into car, etc. My NT son however, want me to do stuff for him all the time. He is perfectly capable of dressing himself, putting on his own seatbelt, etc. but wants me to do it simply because he wants the attention. It's manipulation pure and simple in our case. I became a hard nose about it this summer and the situation has drastically improved. For example, in the car I told him "you are going into 1st grade and 1st graders put on their own seat belts - period." There has been much improvement.
It's hard to say whether it's confidence or just the fact that he enjoys the 1:1 attention and physical contact that comes from you doing things for him.
I think its a confidence issue. Haydens the same way. He wants me to do things for him all the time and tells me 'its too hard' or 'i cant DO IT' in a ear shattering peircing scream. He clearly gets very upset and hyperventilates so I know its not manipulating. Ive tried stickers too and I get the same reply as mason that he dosnt want the sticker!
This is how I know when Hayden is manipulating me and just being lazy. I get all dramatic and say "O I thought you could do that, I saw you do it before! Daddy can do and mommy can do it too" and I pull my jacket on and say "all right I guess I have to dress hayden cuz he dosnt know how to yet" Usually if I try putting the jacket on him he gets upset because he now wants to do it himself.
But lots of times if I push something hell scream and cry and then I usually do it for him. He was so good at puzzels a year ago but now he cant do one without freaking out and screaming bloody murder and throwing the peices. He used to be so good at doing them by himself but now I have to help him with it (and I suck at puzzels!) Im not sure exactly what to do since if hes crying and clearly upset if I push it what do you do? Sorry Im never much help!
We use lots of positive reinforcement. We have also used a timer that has a red part on it to let you know how much time is left. He has to try something for that amount of time (and really try or the timer gets set back however long he goofed off). I do a lot of saying, "You don't have to be able to do it - we just want you to try your best! If you can't do it, that is fine - but you need to try. That is the only way you will ever learn!" We talk a lot about practicing. It took him a LONG time to learn how to pedal a bike and now he has his training wheels off at age 6! So, I use that example a lot and he remembers how hard it was to learn how to pedal. And that if he hadn't, he wouldn't be able to do a fun thing like riding his bike now!
Anyway, I empathize. That probably doesn't help - but it's there! Oh, I have also had something set as a reward and then ds does the task and says he doesn't want it. It's like he feels he doesn't deserve it or something?