Stress on your marriage!! | Autism PDD

I've had to redue some apt too bec hubby is out of town too. I do all the calling stuff but we show up as a family to apt's. Unless the services are at home or school. He's showed up to 3 of the school one last year and me 100 at least.
I'm a stay at home mom. I know that sounds cheezy but I stay home for the kids. They really need the extras.
Try a weekly date. I wish we could.

From a father's perspective and don't take this the wrong way, it is a little comforting to see people struggling with the same issues weare. At least you know you are not alone. My wife and I were lucky that she could stay home with our children and as a result she manages ALL of the appts, doctors, school, you name it. I am very grateful as it is truly overwhelming task, but at the same time I feel distanced from the day-to-day. A lot of times when she asks my opinion I just tell her to decide because I don't feel as educated as to what is best. It is especially bad when programs or treatments don't seem to be working and we're trying to find another way. And, as most of you know there are so many opinions and treatment programs and options that it seems like any decision could be the wrong or right choice.

Just so you know we struggle too, and you do realize, after the fact, that the fighting isn't over the dishes not being done or the electric bill but over your anxiety with all your family issues. Stay strong and keep your faith grounded in each other and your children. With us, it seems just when we have no way out, we find a way to push through. It must be at least similar to other relationships when something traumatic happens (loss or disability). Autism is by no means a death sentence to a marriage but no doubt you have to be stronger than most to manage the stress and life changes that come wth it. I hope you find ways to funnel your stress and get back to the reasons you love each to begin with. In a strange, ironic way, I feel our Autistic son helps us through the hard times by just being himself. Talk about unconditional love!

All the best to you,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Do you think it is possible to get a sitter for a few hours, put emotion on the sidelines and address this practically with dh? You can possibly tell him that you feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that has to be done, and that you want to sit down and figure out how to make things better together.

Make a list of everything that has to be done:

Laundry
Yardwork
Making Therapy Appointments
Paying the Bills
Washing the Dishes
Cooking Dinner
etc.

First, eliminate anything on the list that isn't absolutely essential. Then identify possible outsourcing opportunities. For example, if 2 hrs/week is spent mowing the lawn, can you pay someone else /week to do it for you? What can you afford to outsource? Then divide up the work. You both have jobs, you both want some time to yourselves. It's a big compromise.

It sounds like before ASD entered your lives, you probably had the workload divvied up ok. However now a large extra pile of work has arrived, and you are absorbing it all. Not fair. Maybe you are the right person in the relationship to take all of this on, but then some of your other regular duties need to shift to your husband to even it out.

If you can manage to organize the workload in a way that allows you each some free time, as well as some quality time together, it would be a win all around. The key is whether you can have a rational conversation about this without fighting.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you both.

remember to keep an open line of communication.

there is a book that actually helps not only with programs (ABA based) for
the child but also for the family and marriage. it is called:

helping your child with autism spectrum disorder: a step by step
workbook for families by stephanie b. lockshin, et. al.

if you want something to hold in your hands and give you some ideas it is
a good book.

Lyou know one thing all of these posts make me feel not alone and that is worth gold. I think i will try to take the advice of a "date" - have to try a sitter that she will not scare off, and then

I agree we must talk...at least we still do that

thank you everyone for your overwhelming support. I treasure this group.
missnippy/Yvonne

Brent: Provider/pays bills/cares for outside things at home/repairs on home/cars.

Rachael: Get's groceries/cooks/dishwasher/parent's laundry/cleans adults bath/bedroom/appt. setter/

Dara/Daniel: cares for own rooms/bathrooms/laundry put up/feed and water pets/trash out to road on thursdays for pick up. They both can do laundry!

Clean and take to good will what you are not useing in your home.

I can relate well Brent was uninvolved very little until we were seperated this past winter with a EPO cause the big fight we had which resulted in a Hit in the head for me by him. Brent sees a therapist every Monday now. Married 15 years 11/7/07. Brent also takes Effexer now. Doing better now. We are getting along better now. Yes there was a divorce filed but not anylonger now. I was also over medicated on my Armour dureing that time almost had a stroke. We both are lot's better now. He still has state charges on him though Brent!

Sending you a mega hug - could you do something really nice for yourself - like a pedicure if you can afford it or something like that

No advice just sending you a hug

I know what you mean about feeling like you have another child and you already have three! Thats how I feel about my husband most of the time. I have felt like leaving before (lots of times he dosnt even know) and we almost did end it at one point but decided to give it another try and Im so glad I did. But we both had to work at it TOGETHER. He also needed to help me with our son (to a point tho because hes so absent minded!) He did change because he didnt want to loose his family and he put effort into our marriage and helping with our son.

Maybe you both could make a certain night a date night, thats what we did. Even tho you have all these things to do and app.s to go to you need to treat your marriage as a priority too because otherwise everything will go down hill and communication is they key (for us anyway) Because I found that I would get so upset at him at these (even little) things that id blow up but when I actually started sitting him down (hundreds of times a day!) and telling him everything and how it made me feel he would try to help out more and vice versa and that there showed he cared and that made me feel like trying to save our marriage was worth it. Also I found out that I thought everything was him (most of it was

So, you basically have the work load of two careers, three kids, and 3 year old triplets. No wonder ya'll are squawking at one another!

But your husband loves your autistic child, doesn't he? No matter how bad a day your kid has or how obnoxious his behavior has been, that man loves him. Do you think you would ever find anybody else who feels the way about your son that his daddy does? Do you think having only one parent in the house would benefit your kid (let's skip your NT ones for now)? Would you have less time or more time to read him stories if you were the only adult in the house?

At the depths of your anger or being overwhelmed or being frightfully exhausted, this is the one thing you KNOW is true. Your husband loves that child like nobody ever will. He adores him, and your preschooler loves his dad, too.

I know this is not much to hang a marriage upon, but it is rock solid truth that no matter how furious you are, you cannot say is untrue. So start with this.

Then think about the three things that made you fall in love with him. Is his sense of humor the same? Is his kindness the same? Is his integrity the same? When you two aren't frazzled maniacs, does he make you smile?

Marriage is work, as you well know. And with autism - the snotty little triplets you never asked for - you have more work. Just hold on to your love, communicate without anger or blame, and remember who it is that loves your kid. It will be okay!

LeAnne C39307.3755787037

I'm sorry that your going through this {{{{{hugs}}}}}}} I think we all can understand and relate to how your feeling, its hard But you can survive this and will. And your marriage can also survive this.

I can tell you what i do when things are real bad here, I always keep in mind that hubby has his stressors also and when it comes to the kids he experiences the ups and downs also [maybe not as often because he out working} But when he comes home after a 12 hour day at work and the kids are run down from the day and its noisy and caotic at times, I know that he is suffering just as much as I am . The last thing we both need is arguing or yelling at eachother. That is just compounding our problems.

When things are bad i will tell him what i need, calmly, no yelling or bickering, Men will respond better if you calmly tell them what you need. Ask him how he feels about you having one evening a week for yourself to go out with friends or just go out by yourself.

Also remind him that the 2 of you need to work together in your daily lives not against eachother. Do this in a calm way. After the kids are in bed just sit down and have a quiet conversation. I have intiated these conversations many times with my husband and recently he has started initiating them also. He will tell me what he needs. Just a couple days ago he came to me and said He really wanted us to try harder at keeping the house cleaned up, He said If You try I'll try.

Hope this helps........and best of luck to you Well, dh and I are fighting about everything having to do with dd, it seems. The stress is unbearable and we are both miserable. We both work, and there is never any time, but it seems that I am the one that is doing most of the work - setting up therapy, IEP meetings, doctors evaluations, fighting with the system, etc etc etc you know the drill. I got so angry at him that I yelled at him because dd has two appointments next week (I wrote them on the calendar) and he will be out of town, so who will do this? Sometimes I think that he is like another child - we have three - and I don't need another! Honestly, things are really really bad. I don't have time for myself, how can I have time to try to save our marriage from this wreckage. I am so tired, emotionally and physically.
Thanks for hearing me vent.
love
Yvonne/missnippy

Yvonne - BIG hug to you!

I think most of us (if not all) have faced times such as these. Having a child with a disability makes couples a LOT more likely to divorce - for all of the reasons you listed and more. It depends on a lot of factors, but if there were problems in your marriage BEFORE you had a child with a disablity - all of those are magnified by 100 AFTER you have that child.

It is very hard - have you tried couples counseling at all - would your dh even be willing to do that? And would you even be able to somehow fit that in?

Do you have a relative, friend or good sitter who can come watch your child(ren) for a few hours so you can get a break? Sometimes that can work wonders - just to have time away! Look into grants and trying to get a Personal Care Attendant for your child - that will help ease the burden on you so that you can do extra things that need to be done (like taking care of YOURSELF, for instance!).

Keep us posted and I'm glad you're here. You came to the right place!

Counseling over the phone? While it sounds convenient, I think that would be difficult to do. Having been an in-home family therapist, I would think that would be the best way - having someone come to your home. Because that way, trust me, the therapist gets to see a much more realistic picture of what family life is like! You can describe it until you turn blue, but the therapist won't actually totally believe it until s/he sees it. I worked with foster families and their caseworkers often wouldn't take them seriously until I came into the home and confirmed, yes, this child WAS doing such-and-such (fill in the blank with whatever the behavior was). It's sad - but it's human nature.

But, if there is funds to pay for the services and I wouldn't have to go anywhere and wouldn't have to get a sitter - well, there is something to be said for that!

[QUOTE=LeAnne C]

I know this is not much to hang a marriage upon, but it is rock solid truth that no matter how furious you are, you cannot say is untrue. So start with this.

[/QUOTE]

I should print this out, enlarge it and hang it where I can see it every day. So true!!! Extremely well said.

Mary

Your marriage is like your ASD Child,if you leave it alone ,don't engage, leave it to survive without Intervention, It will Never be successful.

Try to put in Programs that will help your relationship, eg..for 1 week try to say "thank you ,Good job" to each other for anything you do,eg..putting the kids to bed ,doing dishes, driving to appointments, ect..I know it sounds Corney but Knowing the other person notices what you do ,helps alot.

Week two,add something else ,Like ABA for your Marriage

This is our second child with a disability, and we lost a child ,all three things are supposed to lead to divorce,We just had our 27th anniversary.

God bless,Linda

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch.

Marriage counseling is available from the National Autism Association. I haven't used the services myself, but found out about them a few months ago through www.autism.about.com. Here's what they had to say about it. (Note: they also offered grants for autism therapy/services for the child, but the funding has already been used up for the year):

<quote>

An interesting press release crossed my desk today. Sent from the National Autism Association, the press release announces a new service: marriage counseling for couples coping with autism. Having heard from so many couples who are having a tough time managing their relationship in the wake of an autism diagnosis, I thought this sounded like a great idea.

While I haven't personally tried the service, from the description it sounds helpful. Not only does it make available counselors with experience working with families with special needs - but it also provides that counseling by phone, at the couple's convenience. And not only does it provide the counseling - it also makes available need-based grants to PAY for the counseling!

On a related note, the National Autism Association's Family First program also offers grants to support families in need of funding for therapies and other autism-related services. This one of the only family grant programs I've ever heard of. Kudos to the National Autism Association for its progressive thinking!

Need more information about couples, marriage, and autism? Here are just a few, featuring responses to reader questions from Drs. Rob Naseef and Cindy Ariel, specialists in serving families with special needs:

I did therapy on the phone, I hid nothing about our home life. The therapist knows we have a Special edication kid. I quit cause he told us spank the kids for bad attitudes/mouthing. He also told us to cut back on things to afford more. We need more money. I told him you can only make cuts before more money is needed. Finally Brent sees only get what is needed!

The thing about "phone therapy" (and I did crisis phone counseling for several years as well) is that you can't see the person's face. One-on-one that may be okay - but couples counseling or family counseling would be quite difficult, I would think - especially long-term.

But, it's something worth looking into if you need it, in my opinion!