how do you teach them patience?? | Autism PDD

Reward WAITING. Identify 3 seconds of waiting whenever it is happening and reward it with something really good do this very frequently throughout the day until "waiting" becomes a desired activity because it means a reward. I also agree with the use of a visual like a yellow wait card and/or visual timer. Finally, we often sing a song to define a short time, such as:
"John is waiting, John is waiting,
Good Job John, Good Job John,
John is waiting, John is waiting,
Good Job John, Good Job John"
to the tune of "are you sleeping?" (Frere Jaques)
This can work for young kids.

I also like using the 5 point scale for waiting time when the amount of waiting is undetermined (like how damn long are we going to wait in line at the grocery store). For this, use the numbers 1-5 on a sentence strip, and remove them one by one at random intervals counting down. When we get to 1, we are all done.

We use the kitchen timer quite a bit...it has helped. It also helped Payne with time...oddly enough. Rissa has ZERO patience. Usually if I just stop what im doing and kneal in front of her and explain how long it will take me or when exactly I will get her what she wants she tends to be ok with it and will go find somthing else to do.

I have tried a timer in the past and it was just one of those cheap timers for the kitchen...problem with that is he figured out how to move it and if I would set it for a time he would just keep moving the time!

Does anyone know of a timer that might be digital or maybe harder for him to control...when we used to use the kitchen timer he liked being able to watch it, so I want to use something that he can watch and not have to keep it up and away from him, but also don't want him to be able to manipulate.

Do they make such a thing??

Timers work great. Also NOT making them wait that long. Reward the ability to wait a short time. Then, their ability to wait will get stronger. Our kids are SO visual. However, patience is not a strong suit. My 16yo STILL whines when he's impatient. That's when I tell him EXACTLY how much time he has to wait and ask him to set the timer. I'll say, "we'll go in 20 minutes." He'll set the timer for 20 minutes and he'll be 100% patient for that time (sometimes checking the time left himself, but never whining about it because he can SEE the timer ticking down and that gives him hope that it won't be so long now. When the timer dings, I ALWAYS keep my promise. This has established trust between me and my son. When I say it'll be 20 minutes, it's 20 minutes.

About the phone -- ALL kids pester parents while they're on the phone. They are somewhat jealous of the attention being give to the caller and they also discover that we parents often give in faster while we're on the phone rather than be interrupted. My sister's totally NT kids did this until they were adults and out the door!

A therapist once recommended to me to have a book full of activities to be used ONLY when they are on the phone. At the time, my ds liked "Little Einsteins" so she was going to call it his "Mission Book". He could get that out and I could send him on missions to do something fun - collect three things that were yellow or some such thing. She wasn't able to work with us on it - had to take a personal leave. But, for the most part, I am fortunate that ds just needs one reminder that I am on the phone and he backs off. This has been the result of me having to hang up the phone several times and sending him directly to his room kicking and screaming. The only problem I have on the phone is that the kids almost always pick that time to FIGHT like cats and dogs. But, the consequences are usually pretty severe (loss of all bedtime stories) if they don't work it out themselves. I absolutely know that won't work for everyone - like I said, I know I'm lucky in this realm!

Anyway, you could try the mission book, if you want. As far as patience, the timer does work well. I would get one of those visual timers (where it shows in RED how much time is left - this is particularly useful for those kids who are more visual). They are pricey - about -25. But, when that therapist used it with my son, he responded well. He usually HATES timers.

Thank you all so much for the ideas! Yes this is so frustrating!! It was bad enough before, but now with this new screech it's HORRIBLE!!

I try to stay away from giving in to him once he starts this behavior...but usually I have already said yes, you just have to wait a few seconds. I definitely make him calm down again before I give him what he needs, and since we are working on speech I make him ask in a complete sentence...can I have_______, please?

I do have the yellow wait card, but maybe if I added green and red to it he would get a better understanding of wait actually means?!?! I am definitely going to try that tomorrow! I just knew his normal "breaks" weren't working to stop this behavior!

Shelley, I completely understand what you are talking about with your DH! Rob is very inconsistent with Mason too...it drives me crazy that I work all day long on something with Mason only to have him come home and do something completely opposite. I stress over and over how consistency is the key and he is definitely getting better, but it still happens way to often!!

Well thanks all!! Wish me luck with the stop and go light!

Oh and P.S. Woodsman--what you wrote about things needing to flow smoothly etc. makes a lot of sense to me about why he might act this way...I definitely don't want this to become something that I need to punish him over! And it definitely helps to understand a little more why he might act the way he does.

emerald_52139294.8456481481

I too am having this problem with my son Christian (6). He is extremely demanding and will not budge an inch until he gets what he wants and truthfully, sometimes I just want the piece and quiet and acquiesce. He does not like to toilet himself and he will sit and scream "moooooom" until I go clean him up. His latest demands is for the Tranformers Movie DVD. He cannot understand why I cannot by it at the store, despite me trying to explain that they haven't been made yet etc but he turns around and blames me. He says "stupid mommy, it's all your fault". I try to ignore these comments and I feel he's just copying something he's heard. He doesn't really know what the word means (I don't think!) and I say this b/c he has just started calling my mom is "beautiful wife!". He is such a character and would do anything to be able to help him make sense of things. Only 3 weeks to go until school starts, I am dreading it. I do like the stop and go system so will try that too. He uses the same colors in class for good and bad behaviour and yellow is a warning.

I was kind of wondering about what you just mentioned Sharon...they use the 3 colors for green-good yellow-warning red-bad at school too, related to behavior.

do you think they will differentiate between yellow meaning warning and yellow meaning wait. I guess it's sort of the same thing but I don't want to confuse him into thinking he is getting a warning for something when all I really want is just some patience.

I might be able to add something to it or change something a little more so he is seeing it different that the system they have at school. It just seems like little things like that throws him all out of whack.

We had similar issues with my son.My ABA therapist taught him to
respond to verbal cue "wait"-and slowly count to ten. He started counting
with me and it really calmed him so that he could mand "I want_______".
If I needed a lot of time I would really stretch number words out.
We do not need to do this anymore, we simply say wait.
This works wonders with my toddler as well.
[QUOTE=emerald_521]

Do they make such a thing??

[/QUOTE]

Different Roads to Learning (www.difflearn.com) carries a variety of timers. They have the ones which show a field of red, as Snoopywoman suggested, and they also have one with red, yellow and green. Maybe you'll see something that will work for you.

http://www.difflearn.com/products.asp?dept=48

Niki,

Our ABA therapists taught me to never give Sarah a look, word or item whatsoever if she screamed, whined or demanded it..She learned to be calm before she got anything she wanted and to use her manners:)

It was hard to be consistent in this area especially if daddy is tired and gives in at night time and she would scream for something!

We would have to start all over the next day ignoring her demands and ahve to deal with LONGER tantrums because..hey.. my daddy gave it to me yesterday by yelling so today I will scream 10x more to get it this time!

We always had consequences to if she had real major meltdowns..she had to go to her room~she despised this because she didnt get no attn. or what she wanted.

Kitchen timers work great and teaches them the concept of one minute or 5 minutes...always count down to help with frustrations..Okay Mason...you got 3 more min. to go..now you got 2 minutes to go..ect..:) She relied on timers for transitions and parks but we faded them out before school started:)

Good luck~Be tough!!

heh, wow, everything is soooo different from when I was growing up, i think patchence is a problem for any kid, but in particular those on the spectrum, who may not be able to understand the message being conveyed to them that things in life take time. You guys all sound like u have an awsome system, making it less likly for altercations i know growing up when I was impatent I was just place in my room or on the chair, taking away any oppertunity to go outside or do what i wanted, i spent much time on the chair or in my room, u learn, but at a cost, maby i did not understand i honestly could not say, i got more angry, the punishment got worse, increased in length.

I feel like i never really understood how ppl saw me when I was impatent, everyone at work, those who on occasion ride with me, ect, see someone (and i was told this) that expected things to just flow smoothly all the time, and things to progress consitently, nicely. Life does not work this way, and too this day when stuck behind someone slow in traffic, or something not working right on the computer, and countless other examples i tend to flip my lid a bit, those around will usually tell me "jeeze... relax man!." Instant gratification, usually never occures, somethin i must work on and i hope u all can aid your kid and make them understand the problem, instead of just throwing them in their room, the punishment never worked i was in their all the time growing up and to this day still am not patent, tho getting better sence i isolated the problem. I feel u guys r on the right track, and have a better chance of fixing the problem then my parents did, maby in some cases they made it worse. God love um!You are in my shoes! Or I'm in yours one of the other. I have the same problem with my 10 yr old, I sometimes feel like his servant!

I like the idea of the traffic light colors that Mimom3 has. I'll have to try that.

Karrie

Mason has never had any patience for anything...he thinks he should get everything the second he asks for it...if he wants to talk, he talks, doesn't wait until someone else is done. And OMG, when I am on the phone, if he wants something he literally acts like it is the end of the world if I can't do whatever it is he wants, that second! Even making his dinner, he is all over me until I am setting that plate in front of him.

Well I have always dealt with it. We use the boardmaker wait card...sometimes it helps, but most of the time it doesn't...now the problem is he has started this high pitched scream...MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM...MOOOOOOOOMMMMM. Until I get him what he wants. It is so loud and ear piercing!! I show him the card and he just continues to bellow. We use a "break" system with him when he is acting up...he has 3 stop signs and I show them, 1,2,3 and then the break card and he needs to go to his room for 5 minutes. Well this system isn't working with the yelling that he is doing...it is just turning into a huge temper tantrum in his room. I have even tried telling him I can't understand him when he yells at me, and I am not going to get what he wants until he calms. He starts off asking nicely for what he wants, he just can't seem to wait the few seconds it usually takes to get what he needs.

What should I be doing to get him to understand that it may take a few minutes or even a few seconds in his case, because the bellowing starts seconds after he asks for something!

This is usually happening when he is asking for something that I am going to do for him, like getting him a drink, or getting the computer ready, getting ready to leave the house...he knows he is going to get what he is asking for, he just can't be patient enough to even wait...He did it earlier today when I was giving him a bath...he wanted to get out and because the towel I grabbed ended up soaked before the end of the bath I needed to grab a new one...the 10 seconds it took me to grab another towel, he had screamed my name at least 5 times!

He has yet to transfer this over to when he wants something and doesn't get it, thankfully. But that is probably going to be the next step, right...then I am going to have him screaming at me all day long!

Any advice on how to get him to understand this? Is this a patience issue? Or is he just being sassy and expecting his demands to be met instantly? Either way, I need help on getting him to stop this horrible sound emitting through my house!!

Thanks all!!

Can you make him receiving the thing he is requesting contingent upon him sitting quietly for a some reasonable length of time, and not giving in if he doesn't comply? If he's making these loud demands and then you're giving him what he's after (without requiring him to cease the demands for some length of time), then I'd imagine he thinks that his strategy works pretty well! The girls do well with this thing that our tutor taught them 'quiet hands'. When the girls get all uppity wanting something, we demand that they sit at the table with 'quiet hands' and will not honor their request until they comply. It works pretty well with them pestering for things. I still haven't found the answer on how to stop them from talking over anyone trying to make themselves heard.We had both the kitchen one and one like a stop watch timer from the sporting goods store..we used that one for kinderkids and the park..outings. It was very small and didnt bring attention to her..fit in the palm of your hand:)

- MASON figured out how to speed up time relative to everyone else! Jeeze, and even figured out how to do it without traveling at nearly the speed of light!

Haha, thats funny, timer manipulation, why did i not think of this in elementary when I was always in the 'bad chair,' heh, brings back memories, the teacher (who i still have contact with to this day, says im 1 of his success stories, saddly 1 of his few..) used to use the timer, I wish i was as smart as mason in 3rd grade to learn to manipulate it, but if i got caught would probably just dig the whole deeper.

Yea, indeed, i love when things flow smoothly, orderly, logically (according to mine, forget everyone elses

) and yes, its a big problem, id have no idea how to teach it to a kid, im just now learning to accept the fact that others will not draw the same conclusions as I am, and they r not automacicly wrong for doing so (common sence is merily a series of prejudices aqwired during a lifetime) I beleive ALbert Einstine said something similar, guess he did not have it, and neather do I, but to a degree, and it goes hand in hand with patence perhapse, as 1 would assume that things in life should just prgress 1 step 2 the next... sometimes the steps r giant leaps that take time...

www.Abilitations.com

they also have a timer wrist watch which is really good. It displays with a sweeping hand to show how much more time is left.