FAIL | Autism PDD
I hope you feel better in the morning:)
All I can say is that you seem to be a very worthwhile person to know and very deserving of all the things you want in life..the atmosphere and bad indulgences in things that are not good for you are going to bring you nothing but disappointments, headaches... and not much else...
I never did the bar scene but did plenty of "bad indulgences" in my younger days to fit in that I wish I could do over..I am a lot older than you..old enough to be your mama!
I would want you to know that you are very valuable and we all enjoy reading your posts and trying to learn and have some insight into your world to bring us closer to our ownkids...I would hug you and tell you that it would do you good to surround yourself with loved ones and not people that are going to crash and burn and take you with them..to find love in yourself and not in bars..join a club or something..Try going to Barnes and Noble and look in sections of books you are interested in..who knows? You may meet the lady of your dreams there:)
Take some classes you are really interested in at a community college.
Have you ever joined an Asperger/HFA group? It would be a great start~no hassles & total understanding of sensory issues and especially social.
I dont have any good answers but just know you are very young and have a whole life ahead of you still..slow down and take care of yourself and find things that will make you happy. Hobbies, pets, hiking...museums..movies, books..maybe do a dating service where you can pick out someone closer to your personality and what you are looking for and weed out all the wackos:)
Be sure and take in plenty of fluids and some advil when you wake up....your gonna need it:)
mama Shelley:)
So for 20 years my city in NY has had a celibration called Harborfest. I remember being very little and having my parents hold my hand while we walked thru the festival. I loved following them doing their thing. One day I was old enough to go out on my own, as was expected of me, i met up with friends from elementary, middle and high school to walk around. One day I was old enough to party at the fest, and so I met up with these guys, went to bars and partied, every year I try and meet a girl, its my only oppertunity, as I stopped going out on a regular basis, i hate being in crowd's. I get overstimulated, but find it nessissary to socialize, put on that NT face... It seems every year I meet an interesting girl, GUESS WHAT!?Now im not out for looks, what I want is simple, someone loving, RESPONSIBLE, predictable, RESPONSIBLE, PREDICTABLE, ROUTINE ORIENTED, RESPONSIBLE AND PREDICTABLE. I cant emphaisze what I want/need enough, and every year, I seem to meet a prospect. Ill be 25 in another mounth and a half, still young by dating standards, but I feel my time is running out every day! SO I meet her, we chill, and what do ya know, shes nice, but a party animal, young, no way can I have a family with her tonight, maby in a few years when she calms down, and I increase my efficency and productivity, now im not out to change anybody, maby she will have a positve effect on me someday and cause me to change and vise versa... well guess what, immedatly we talk, she notices my strange way of communicating/socialization, and she may be intregued, until her cell phone rings, now shes talking to ??????, meanwhile I sit their, overstimulated, I want to scream, tell everyone in the bar to SHUT UP!! Turn off all lights, kick everyone out the door and let me be alone with her NO WAIT!!! Have the band playing, i need some backround sound, but put the volume on light.
I CANT BE ALONE WITH HERRRRR!!!!!
I try to show her im intelligent, im the only person shes ever met that can explain E=MC2, how to calculate it, what it means for us, and even show pictures hundrends of thousands of light years in the past, back beyond present time and space, so facinating this concept, does she care, NOOO she just wants to smoke her little pipe and get drunk...
Now, to calm down im drinking like crazy, if not, i need illegal perscription painkillers or ill meltdown, im sedated, chemicals helped me, I found a prospect, i need to show her Im responsible, stable, want a future, and can plan for our future, does she care NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
WE drink, We smoke, we party, my friends r going CRAZYYYYYY I want to be left alone with her NOOOOO WAITTTT, i cant be alone completly, need something in the backround. Again, I cant tell her how I feel, i know how I feel, shell just laugh at me, I can tell her, I can make us a good family future, loving and supportive, never again will we need substances as long as we have eachother, no matter what!
Ok, sorry for my beligerance, IM ranting bad, never have I felt this way since Ive been posting on this site, it does not help being drunk, im drunk because im hurt, im hurt because I did it to myself, as I do every year, every oppertunity! I screw up, she talks to me, I respond with short, matter of fact phrases, she looks at me, seeking a connection, i give her a cold shoulder, i dont know how to give her what she wants, I cant even look at her eyes, i look away, keep talking... what does she want? someone to love, someone to talk to, someone to sit next to and get sloppy drunk with, resulting in a 1 night stand, well NO THANKS!!!!, meet 1 of my friends cause I dont do that, i need love b4 sex, always have, theirfor, since Ive never found any love, ive never had sex, is this a problem? NOOOOO! Im greatful to have this kind of self control, while in any other way I have absolutly none, when Im this low I cant control my drinking, I cant count the amount of illegal perscription pills (someone elses) that I have to take to not feel like my life means nothing, I cant even look at myself in the merror like I do every night b4 bed and every day b4 I wake up completly to see if I have changed, Have I gotton older???, is this another 24 hours I lost in whatever remains of my pathetic existance???
Now DOnt get me wrong, I have done exceedingly well for myself relativly speaking, so it appeares, how is it a 24 year old ownes a nice small home, lives alone with plenty of nice things, good pay, nice new car, abiltity to travel, go on vacation during the winter, its simple, im a good hard worker, who has to support only 1, myself! It hurts soooo much coming home to an empty home, I see ppl 1/2 as fortunate as I do, seemingly so, and they have a family, I did well, and I have nothing but my selfishness to show for it! SUcks so much having HFA, Im screwed for life, the only girl ill ever meet will be messed up too, not with a "disability" but with crack cocain problems, will I take her in, let her sell my life? I dont know, maby I can get an unhealthy child outa her, Would I take advantage, I doubt it, even if shell let me, and my God! Id love nothing more then my own child, disabiled or not, I would change my whole life around, do everything, provide as much as possible for him/her, but ill never see that happen at this rate.
The only thing that makes me happy tonight, even temproarily, is knowing I have cheap beer in the fridge, which im abusing at this point, and mixing with someone elses persciption medication, in a vain attempt to forget my problems just so I can wake up at noon today and be able to fufill another day on the job as if it was a normal workday. I want desperatly to go to work, to benifit more then just myself, ill put msyelf last in every way, no time, no money, no rest, no fun, and do so knowing, and hoping that the kids I may someday NOT have will be able to function just slightly better then I can!!!!!!!
I hope you are feeling better. You will find a girl who is responsible and
loves you and is smart too and wants a family. My husband is AS and he
found me. I love that he is quirky, we make it work and we have three
adorable kids. Trust me, he is far less family orientated than you too, you
sound like a wonderful guy who will make a great husband and father. you
just need the right girl, you will find her and it will be well worth the wait.
((((HUGS))))
Take care
Allegraheh, indeed mamacat, i fear soo much what the future will bring, I cant beleive how it was that a decade ago, tho with obvious problems I was always happy, one very lucky kid to have what I had, turn into someone who had constant worry, anyday now lake ontario will flood and distroy everything I own, hahahaha.
Im acting like a baby, yes... and I want to beleive that indeed, these girls I have met over the course of the years... the reason I would not engadge them, was cause they were not right for me, I have a long time a decade and a half to find her, and I want to find her being who I am, not afriad of who I am and trying to hid it, and I want the same from her.
slowing down is important, enjoying life... essentail, Ill be awake until the sun comes up today, as the celibration in my neghboorhood will go on until then, so ill be relaxin, not thinking about my worse case scinario 40th b-day alone, and enjoying my friends and neghboors who now want me to come outside and continue the party after shutting myself inside for the last few hrs, angry, and sad... thank u for your support, mamacat and shelly!
I cant beleive u and a few others are up at this time of night, i mean I live in NY and its 1:30am, since I work 3rd shift I cant allow myself to sleep until 4am, so ive been going in between this website and the neghboors (all collage kids who love this weekend every year). I just get so frusterated... feels like nobody is out their, i probably should not post such text on a site dominated by parents, i mean... u worry about your kids now, wait till they get to be my age, out on their own... its been tough, I feel their is so much easy for me thats hard for others, but the thing that really matters deep inside of my heart I just cant do right, its painfull, heh, ok, enough EMO... thank u for the good reply
Ya know... things go 2 fast also, i feel time itself does not allow for too much wiggle room, if u want something u better do what u gotta do to earn it, or else their is a cut off, its 2 late. My whole life my parents brought me up, well... its only half their fault, the glass was always half empty here... but uhh... I was always tought to prepair for whatever may occure, resulting in a strange "worse case scinario complex." (I wonder if Sigmund Freud saw this coming?!, hehe) My life centers around the worse possible outcome, if my house burns down I must prepair... If I crash my car I must have this on hand, if I have an kid come out of thin air suddenly 1 day I better have...
Its completly unrealistic, almost crazy, to prepair for something that absoltuly is the most horrible thing that can happen, and be able to fix it, by having something on hand. Haha, i guess its a good thing, being prepaired, maby I would make an excellent inshurance person... maby not...
Things go to fast for me, I cant miss out, and if i do i better have somethin in place, my parents r astounded how well I have done, my NT sister has yet to even show a little initiative, but she has a BF...
I was so hurt tonight, not so much leaving the bar feeling like im complelty disabled, but I saw drunk parents with little kids, I saw horrifying behavior, they let their kids be exposed to these collage kids doing this?!.... Ohh my God? How can they be allowed to be blessed with a family, a family they obviously dont know how to manage, they live off of the system, and they can have children, and how will these children end up, how will their lives be?
I had a wonderful childhood, dispite my problems, because my parents gave up everything for me and my sis, thats how i thought it should be, I saw some things ill never forget tonight while on a retreat acorss the city to the refuge of home... never will I expose my future family to that mess...
heh, sorry for such long posts, if I edit'ed it i could compress it a bit, but its such a good EMO outlet I almost cant stop, but in the mounring ill feel better, but now, its still dark outside, so ill go for a nice long walk and see what else happens tonight.
I'm
not going to judge you, as I did spend a good time of my youth drinking
and
dancing on tables.
I will warn you to try not to mix painkillers with alcohol anymore. Don't
want to shut down that central nervous system--okay?
I just want to say that lonliness is very painful. Most all of us have been
through it and emerged unscathed on the other side. You are wonderful
worthwhile, and you WILL find the good company you seek.
Probably not while you are inebriated, though. This goes for ALL people,
not just you.
Sending you some love from CA.
hehe, wow, definatly, I do feel a little better actually I relaxed for the night across the street (my neghboors are all collage kids about to move out) and so this was a special weekend because itll be the last I get to see of these guys in person anymore, dispite the hardship I found in the city earler in the night, it was a good weekend, I actually feel a little better, real tired, but went over their and chilled for a bit, and now im ready for bed.
Im so glad to have read all of everyones posts... good info, tho u may not think it, it re-ashures me alot, plenty of time.
This city is interesting, has kinda a uneque culture that is both good and bad, orginally a settlement town over 200 years ago (and a US historical place, complete with old fort Ontario where the British during the War for independence invaded and used as a base. It is today a collage town (suny oswego) and I live right next to the campus. This little city of 20000, not only has 1 of the largest celibrations in NYS (200,000 ppl estimated visited this weekend) but also, at the end of collage, we have an annual party where every collage kid races thru the city hitting every bar on the way back to the campus, their are many of them here, it is utter chaos during that time at the end of the semester and during this time, as a result, i have gotton, over the years, much social practice, if someone like me can edure surviving 16 years in a place like this, they should be good to go.
You guys sound so much like my MOM and DAD (both look down upon me going out on these special annual nights) they say I need to chill a bit, doin fine enough, enjoy the life u have and I agree, and am... and this is the cause of past arguments with my parents, that over the years, participating in these little local rituals (although fround upon) teach me much about kids my age, im fortunate, after being different in my school settings, collage and post collage have been good socally, makes me wonder if its a result of the local culture or because many my age get that much better, if so, thats good i suppose, and the future looks similar for many others that have similar problems i did 15 years ago myself.... mix it all up and this is what i have to deal with, these r the cards i play.
I usually start falling asleep around this time, but i still have another day ahead of me tomorrow, sunday the fest ends, i return to work, i had a few hours to think and drink lots of water and cool off a bit, and its nice..
have yourselfs a good day, thankx all!!!
I am sorry you are having such a hard time! I can't say I exactly understand what you are going through but I will tell you at times we all feel isolated and lonely. I remember when I used to go out to clubs or bars with my friends I never felt like I quite fit in. I also believe most people in their twenties, whether they have a disability or not struggle with the notion that they may never find the "right one".
I think everything you are going through is "normal" and you will find someone when you least expect it. Just take a deep breath and remember that there is someone out there for everyone! You will find her or maybe she will find you, just let it come naturally. It seem this is just a stressful weekend for you with all those people. It will get better
I really don't know you but from what I have read you sound like you are a good person with a lot to offer. If I was your mom I would be super proud of you!!!
so sorry to hear things didint go well i felt your frusetration in the past im 21 on tuesday and no girl for me in sight yet
(well maybe the hooters girls)
JK
anyway dont feel to bad it didnt work out sometimes things just come later in life for people like us it dosent mean they wont happen though
i personally agree with allegra i believe you will be a great husband and daddy some day
also I wanted to thank shelly
for her kind words to you they were touching to read
it makes me happy that asder when in times of need can rely on all of the great parents here for help and advice and vice versa
im familiar with being overstimulated like you describe and im sure ill run into these kinds of enviorments myeslef when i move out and start clubbing im glad that you were able to hold yourself together though
just dont drink too much ill probably go with a 2 beer limit on tuesday night and thats it
as everyone else said im also very proud of you dave owning my own house and car would be quite an accomplishment for me too
and i hope i can be as cool and successfull as you have been
hehe, thankx rainman, ya... we definatly have a difficult task ahead, should we choose to accept it, and the inevitable roughness that will result, indeed, everyone was very supportive, i did continue on until mounring, but with higher spirits, every girl i have met, i mean they were nice and all, but not exactly someone that would probably make a good life partner, maby thats why it always goes like that, we got a while to perfect the craft, or at least try and get down some of it, theirs someone out their for us, we dont wanna put the bar down to low, i mean, we seem like nice guys, no reason to pick up just some random drunk girl, which probably had other issues as well, id love nothing more then to meet someone down to earth, loving, supportive, future oriented, unfortunatly nobody is out their at our age like that, everyone lives for the moment, thats good and bad i suppose, ive never been able to do that, always planning ahead, and its difficult to say the least. I was just a year or 2 older then u when i got my stuff together, when u move out man, u will have it rough for a while, new routine, new environment, new challenges, took me a while, but i moved very quickly (too quickly) rushed into obtaining the accomodations i have now, and while everyone else my age gets to have fun, i must always work, or prepair to work, weekends r a release from that routine, for now
ok... enough rambling, i know well find fortune someday, whatever our idea of it will be, we must be willing to make a few changes tho. Heh, to be honest, i cut way back on the clubbing, rairly (special occasion only) do i do it, id prefer to go outdoors, and being on here has also deminished the time i have to do that, never brought me much joy, did it mainly to fit in, do what everybody else did, find a good girl, brought nothing but anger, frustration, some saddness, and on occasion, i loose track, resulting in over doing it and loosing all my $$$, not good...
i have a feeling after a few years u will get sick of that too, my friends seem like they can do it forever, but i really wanna find something more important to focus on, heh...
have a good 1, im off to work shortly, this weekend was wild, definatly a break from a normal weekend routine, im soooo glad im back to the normal routine...
Indeed, the pressure to fit in, coupled with all the chaos of that weekend in my city definatly put me on edge, first meltdown in a long time that night, then came my internet rant, heh. Currently, ive been talking to an old high school friend, i went to the prom with her and we just started talking after a few years, thats much better then the alternative, the route i clearly choose that night.
I suppose in the end i was rushing to acomplish something that not only should not be rushed but is not even nessissary, ill be 25 in 3 weeks, and have a good decade, more then to do all i want/need to do before worrying about that, ill let nature take its course.
Thankx for the reply's they were needed that night and gave me much to think about, and even today, things in the area are improving already, just was going about it alll wrong, i should listen to you all more often, i could learn something!![/QUOTE]
youre welcome woodsman/dave i think that we all have alot to learn from you as well
prersonally i find you to be one of the coolest people on here
the fact that you own your own house and car is awesome to me you have definently made it my freind
currently i still take the bus i may drive someday though i will tell you though once i finnally move into my apartment
ill be able to consider myself as awesome and as successfull as you
i think for alot of autistics independent living really is the final frontier ( corny quote from star trek)
woodsman25, I can only hope my own son turns out as wonderfully as you. You sound like a normal 25 year old. You will find ms. right. thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always find them so insightful..Use your disability to help others who suffer from the same thing as you do. Ex. work at a summer camp maybe for those with ASD. Life is hard but we all can just do the best we can with what we got dealt in life from god. Use your strengths to help your weaknesses. I know how you feel i was known as a geek in school from haveing had Petimal epilepsy. Middle school only! The rest of the time I atteneded private ld schools in Dallas. I have never cared what others thaught. I didn't get married until 25!hello! Heh, wow, ya i remember this post, harbor-mess anger caused me to write all this. Indeed, God does work in mysterious ways, and im not about to challenge how he put things in place. Thinking about the night(s) more clearly from this stand-point, i can see, its probably for the best, as everyone commented, that things went the way they did. I dont wanna settle, but rather, find someone, not outa desperation!! Yes, I decided not to persue ppl like that anymore, in fact, recently ive decided not to go out and do that anymore, i just cant have a good time doing it, and only go cause im being dragged by friends.
Indeed, the pressure to fit in, coupled with all the chaos of that weekend in my city definatly put me on edge, first meltdown in a long time that night, then came my internet rant, heh. Currently, ive been talking to an old high school friend, i went to the prom with her and we just started talking after a few years, thats much better then the alternative, the route i clearly choose that night.
I suppose in the end i was rushing to acomplish something that not only should not be rushed but is not even nessissary, ill be 25 in 3 weeks, and have a good decade, more then to do all i want/need to do before worrying about that, ill let nature take its course.
Thankx for the reply's they were needed that night and gave me much to think about, and even today, things in the area are improving already, just was going about it alll wrong, i should listen to you all more often, i could learn something!!heh, i found an old video that came out in 1995, i remember it when it came out, i was in middle school, and was thinking about it just today, looked it up on youtube and laughed, realizing hes singin about the same problems im always havin, its funny that 12 years after the fact the song still kinda spoke to me, as im sure it did for many growing up in the 90's. Old school rap without the violence, foul language, just a funny video and a song that will rock forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxRnWHOVEmc
and yes... the beginning is him dressed as forrest gump!
You are a special Person. I don't know if you believe in God, I do. I have seen my share of crap, and I know that there must be a loving God somewhere because I am still here, clothed and in my right mind. That is what the old folks used to say in the church I grew up in. At any rate, God made you special. He didn't do it to be mean to you. He made you for His own self for communion with Him and for His glory. He loves you on purpose. He loves you uniquely and specifically. He loves you in particular. He won't barge in on your life. he will wait for your invitation. There other places to find companionship and bonding. Your friends that think they can party forever don't bring out the best that you are. I am another one old enough to be your Momma (I'm 49). Have you tried book clubs, or other groups that share your special interests? They would all be on the same page as you and appreciate the things that you appreciate. They will even respect your brain and talents. I am a member of the geekiest and most loving church. These folks, especially the guys are really smart and the foundation of geekdom. My son fits in here for that reason, even though we are only 2 of the maybe 10 Black people in the congregation. Ben can perseverate on Star Wars or LEGOs and none of the college guys find him strange or odd. They love to talk to him. They all seem to relax around my HFA kid. h'e almost nine. :) I will be gald when they all come back for the Fall semester. Church might be fun again. I pray that you will find a place that is healthy and wholesome and supportive of who you are and your special giftings.Dave my boy seems like you found yourself a lady freind
dont worry im sure that things will go just fine
keep us posted on your new girlfreind im very proud of you.
also thank you for your kind words as well they meant alot to me
well... i did my shower, looks much nicer, not done yet tho. Also, i had my 'date.' She was very nice, we hung out for a few hrs, we decided against bowling or dinner, instead we came to my house and watched survivorman. I hope i did everything good, she was interested in chillin again (next weekend). I feel, i may have been more talkative then i should have been, watching survivor man, im learning new things, and hope i did not dwell on that topic too long, or get to in deapth with how the show was. We had some nice conversations. We have not hung out in a few years, prom was a disaster, i did not know what i was doing, too much going on around me, too many ppl, i was overstimulated, highly stressed, and confused as to the propor way to 'dance.' She never forgot how 'weird' i was then, but seemed happy while she was here.
I was nervious, but kept cool, usually i get off the couch and move around, look out windows much. This occures whenever I have company, on weekends usually. I get this way because someone is in my 'living space.' Im not used to sitting so close to somebody, always been very distant, dont like sitting on couches with others. I sit in the chair, this time i was on the couch, had a laid back apperence (i did this on perpose). I have never had just me and my 'date' together alone in my house, since collage (and that was in the dorm). Never have I been more prepaired, never have I been so concerned with how I appear. She was dressed up nicly. We talked half the time and watched tv the other half. I asked her many questions about her over the years, ppl we knew, her life, she asked relativly few. But we talked and I learned alot about her, I was open, but not as much as I feel in my head I should have been about a few things. I fear she found out I was in special ed in elementary but was afriad to ask me why. If she asked, chances are I would lie, and i feared she might.
In collage, everytime I hung out with a ladyfriend, we would always be drinking, bad collage habbit, it helps me relax, this is the first time i purchased no drinks to bring home. We were sober. I did it without being artifically relaxed and more interested in talking. I feared it would look negativly on me and, well... im sick of the bar thing, and being at home, just the 2 of us, i figured, for our first meeting in years, it would be appropriate to chill for a few hrs, have TV and the computer functioning and of course, their was no akward silences, i get that alot when with a girl, even while drinking. It was laid back, i feel positive about myself and that shes a good girl for me and not someone at the bar or in collage.
As much as I can pass for an NT, its this situation when I truly beleive the autism that I have really comes out, I have always failed because of it, but i feel good about things, i dont think i came across as the same person, in fact, i showed her that over the years I have changed considerably. I really hope we get together next weekend, this time ill leave my confort zone, I just could not try and hang out with her and 'date' bowling where their is 100 ppl, her coming over helped me out alot start things off right.heh thanks all. Im happy to report tomorrow I have a date, i mean its nothing major, bowling, perhapse a movie and dinner, with an old friend, ive known her since I was 13, even went to the prom with her, shes a good girl and i hope everything goes good tomorrow and we have a good time. Itll be a long day before that ill be installing a shower with my dad, a new 1 to replace the old one I have at my place. Kinda upgrade this place a little, want it to look nice, especally since I figure its good to make a few small changes if I want to have a date over. Clean up a bit, nice new addition and ill be wearing a nice pair of cloths, its getting cooler out tomorrow, and ive wanted to break out the EMS stuff tomorrow. Never have I prepaired for an encounter with a GF before. I have not had one in years."woodsman25, I can only hope my own son turns out as wonderfully as you. You sound like a normal 25 year old. You will find ms. right. thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always find them so insightful.."
Heh, I appreciate the comment, indeed, my parents are proud, all of their hard work motivating me, actually all of our work over the years have paid off. I am happy where I am but still want a more suitible job in the future.
I think many of these kids have it in them to find their niche in society. I think many will live successful lives and be independent. However, I hope that their journey their is less bumpy then mine was. My parents were concerned, and looking back I can see that I had drifted away in the late teen years, and it was questionable the kind of life I would have by now. Also, when I was little, it sure looked rough, at school, at home, i got better with time. I hope when these kids get in their teens they listen to you (parents) more then i listened to mine. I hope they use their brians more then I did, and i hope, overall they make better choices.
I hope your kids turn out better then I did, and perhapse they will.
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