Oooh, I know how you feel. Do I ever. And you know what -- reading this is sounds liek clinical depression.
C is only a little younger than my T -- and the resistance you talk about -- sometimes it just feels insurmountable! It is such a lot of work to be patient and get them to comply, at times.
Anyhow, I hope you find "the way in" to reach her, soon. And me, too ...
Have you read anything on floortime? It is SO motivational. If I ever feel like I can apply some of it, I know it will help!
Just need to vent. I'm feeling sad. It's been hard lately with Clarissa-- not knock-'em-down-drag-'em-out kind of hard-- to use a hard. Just a LOT of small things that are hard all at once.
I want to engage with my daughter, who's five. I find myself not be able to. There's just so much I feel is stopping me, and I want to find a solution, it just seems there are so many blocks wherever I turn. I'm trying to navigate my way through all this.
We never have any fun together. If I had to boil it down to one thing. I want to have fun with her. It's just not. The reptition. The constant attention-getting. The poor behaviour. I just get so mad. She just HAS to push my buttons. I know some of it is the product of being five years old, and a lot of it is autism.
It makes me so angry.
We can't go out to the park. Everytime we do, she HAS to ring our neighbours' doorbells in the complex. She has to rip the plants. She has to go play in their yards and bug their pets.
We can't go anywhere. I never know how she will be. It's twice as bad if we bring her sister, because she's jealous, and she bullies her.
I know that one solution is to seek to remedy every behaviour. That's the part that makes me mad. With NT kids, you ground them, you make them go time out, you take away privileges, that works.
Not with her. Almost nothing works. And it kind of destroys the purpose of having fun if every last little behaviour has to be remedied.
The basement is a mess. I want to get her to pick it up. She used to be good about it. Not any more. I just don't have the enegy to make her do it.
She's just constantly needy, always wanting to play with me: and I don't blame her. It's just not fun. I want to enjoy her. I don't that much. I feel bad for feeling that way, but that's the truth. The constant, constant repitition of everything, it just grates on my nerves. The constant need for strategizing, the constant need for a plan to do ANYTHING. I'm so sick of it. All I want her to do is go out and behave. If she could behave, we could have some fun. She could be fun to be around.
And she does things that aren't wrong, just bloody annoying. Whenever we go to the mall, there's this sign she always wants me to read about how shopping carts must be not be taken out of the parking lot. I am so sick of reading that sign. Saturday we went to the store, and I was in no mood to read it, and when I past it, it was just an absolute struggle.
It's just struggle, struggle, struggle all the time. I don't bother with so much now. It's just too time-consuming, too energy-draining. Like I would impose her bed time, but it's such a pain in the butt,and my husband is tired too at that time.
I just want to wake up one morning and have an ordinary day. No fights over the tv that she has to win or else it turns into a tantrum. No taking of toys away from her sister that I can't counter because it turns into a tantrum. No refusals to do things (or else threats of punishment actually work).
I feel guilty because I want her to know that I care, and I think the world of her, notwithstanding the fact that I don't think she's any fun right now. The fact that we're broke right now doesn't help, either. If we had some fun together, she would know on an emotional level that I care. But nothing is fun right now. It's all so boring. Same games, same books, same outings, same conversations. I try new things, it blows up in my face. For instance, I bought a kiddy pool. I asked Clarissa if she wanted to go for a dip. "NOOOOOOO" was the answer. That could've been fun. But no. I keep not wanting to play with her. It's all so numbing for me. I fear she thinks I don't want to be around her. I want to be around her, but I am so sick of the autism. I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not depressed. I can have plenty of fun. By myself. My other one is relatively easy to deal with. It's just both of them together....
Is it September yet?
I know, we are facing some of the same issuses. Last night my son wanted fruit bars for dinner!! I would not give in -- his behavior therapists suggested this route. After 20 minutes of hell I was ready to give in. I keep telling myself this is the right thing and later on I will be glad.
There are many things we cannot do and places we cannot go. I feel your frustration too.
It is really hard, and sometimes you have to do not so age appropriate things. Like I still put my 6 year old in a stroller on the way to the park. He just gets too distracted, like your daughter. When we get there, I know he will swing for five minutes, go down the slide and repeat-repeat-repeat. I always play along with him though.
I know it is hard to adjust, but if you act like your having fun, your child may surprise you. She can probably sense your annoyance.
mmmm, those are some difficult days. I can certainly relate. I think the relationship thing is the hardest thing for me. The constant parenting, every single second. My ds is not an easy child. I am not my idea of the mother I wanted to be, I've had a completely different parenting experience. I've done some things to make life a little easier for me...I cleaned out both of their rooms to almost the bare necessities. I've locked the door to the room with toys. No more huge messes and wasted time trying to parent them into picking up. I've banned all electronics. TV is a treat only. Now that he's older electronics are major leverage-I love it.(((HUGS!!)))
If its any consolation you are not alone and all of us at one time has gone through this stage at one time or another or still in it:) The only advice I have is it will get better...I have to prompt Sarah for every single word, action..and she fought me all the way! The pay off is way down the road...a little blurry right now but I promise you will look back on this time with a smile that you survived it and she did too:) I learned to compromise on what I like to do and what she liked and tried to meet in the middle.. Lots of support here and hope you find some peace soon..I got on meds but more for anxiety but they would help you too if it doesnt subside. She will pick up your vibes and may act out because of it..not saying you are to blame but she will react to your emotions whether positive or negative so I would try to find some balance in the relationship...does your husband help at all? Sometimes just a another person taking over so you can go shopping or visit a friend can revive you. It will get better the more language she gets and the more she understands the rules of life:) Good luck!
My heart goes out to you - it's the worst to feel like you can't evenREPETITION... REPETITION.... REPETITION... There seems no end to it !!! Let me tell you the things I have to repeat with my boy.
When he was 5-6 years old, midway into his EI... every day, Mon to Fri after the sessions, we will make our way back home which is 15 minutes away. BUT we have to take an extended detour which doubles the travelling time, even triple on a "traffic jam" day. On the route, the car will will go through road humps... (he was actually obsessed with the road signs)... then he'll say "BUMP! BUMP!" and I will have to repeat. Then he'll say, "Now we go to Cheeseman Road bump bump"... and I have to echo the words. There are probably 6-7 of these humps at different locations.... so I had to assign names to it, landmark/road names so that I will know which hump he was referring to....in case I missed it... There were times when we missed one and I HAD TO REPEAT THE JOURNEY FROM THE BEGINNING !!! Grrrhhh !!!
So what's the point of all this ???? UTTERLY MEANINGLESS !!! But you know what?? In hind sight now... I believe by allowing myself to pamper to his obsessive repetitive needs.... it has helped him to be verbal, to be able to express his thoughts in words to an extent. I made it a point to inject in some vocab during the journey... and just as he insisted on me repeating., I also insisted on him repeating..."Look Daniel, that's an AMBULANCE".... "say again AM-BU-LANCE". It wasn't easy, I had to be in a teaching mood to do this... There were times I was tired or even sick...but I had to still force myself...to go through the ordeal...
So Epiphany, try this... next time at the mall when Clarissa wants you to read that notice, get her to say it out... maybe show her where the shopping cart is... distract her... get her to push it along. Pushing of door bells ??? Maybe intercept her before her finger touches but make the sound "DING! DONG!" just before she presses as a replacement audio stimulus. Messing around with pets... maybe tell her the pets need their rest, they are tired, they just had their meal...so don't disturb them.... I don't know if the suggestions will help you... I hope they would... it did for me... CHEERS and hope all works out and gets better
. It only gets better with time. It's soooo true with our kids. Cammi - who is 7 with autism - has changed so much in the past 3 years. It was very easy to measure some of those changes with our vacation last week. 3 years ago at Myrtle Beach we were all miserable - she hated the sand on her feet, the ocean wave noises were intolerable to her so my dh and I had to take turns taking the other two girls out and one of us always had to stay in with her. At every traffic light we stopped at she would scream (we have very few where we live so it was something new for her). This year all of those are better. She absolutely loved the ocean. She didn't want to be away from it. She played in the sand, the waves, on her boogie board, and cried so hard the night we left to come home :( . Please - just know that things will get better - almost daily it has been that way with Cammi. When she was first diagnosed at 2 years old and for years and even now, we've just had to make ourselves take her into all new situations and she has learned to adjust. Her 14 yr. old sister plays basketball and her 8 yr. old sister cheers - she would at first hold her ears and let out shrieking screams during ball-games when they blew whistles or the buzzers would go off. Now she loves going to ball-games and never does those things. Those are just a couple of examples of so many. Life is still very challenging with Cammi at times - I know it may always be that way -- but the good days, the love that she gives us, the way she looks into my eyes, comes up and hugs me, tells me she loves me back when I tell her, when I thought those things might never happen -- all of those outweigh any negatives or any meltdowns or challenges that come up. I think she would have always - if she had/had the choice - would have chosen to just stay at home and it would have been the easier choice for me also. Yes - we always have to think ahead and let her know with pictures and explanations what we will be doing and it seems there are always things that come up to disrupt our plans or add something that upsets her -- but to just stay in, in order to stay away from melt-downs and to make it "easier", then we are short-changing the entire family and Cammi herself in the long run. I'm sending hugs and prayers for you and your family :) . You are definitely NOT alone in your frustrations and concerns. Tons of hugs to you! Take care, Teresa *Cammi's the one in the middle :) .
Sorry to not be all "poor mommy" in this post, but it takes TWO to have fun. I have NEVER ever been this strongly worded before in a post, but get off your backside and come up with something. Just because HER idea of fun isn't YOURS, why is yours the correct one? Imagine how SHE feels next time you're having the pity party. Nothing her mother does is any fun...how sucky is that? If she could bemoan her condition to her friends online, she'd be saying the same thing about you. News flash - your kid is autistic. Her fun is different than other people's. Your job is to find out what it is. Who is the parent - who is directing the show? Don't ask her if she wants to take a dip. Go buy the blasted 12 dollar pool and fill it up, chuck in some bath toys, and turn on the sprinkler. Get out a tub of Cool Whip, some boxes of powdered jello, paper plates, and plastic spoons. Haul them outside to the back yard and make jello-Cool Whip "paint" and slather it on the plates. Bring out animal crackers and make them cross the frozen tundra of Cool Whip snow. Sprinkle powdered sugar on the mess like snow. Then haul out the hose and wash everybody off. Let her squirt your hair off...let some mud squoosh between her toes. Go get some Palmolive and a bucket and some sponges, and start washing your car. Ask her if she wants to help, sure, but just DO IT. Kids say yes when they mean no, and vice versa. She may have some fun when she sees you having some fun. You sound sick of the situation, but it is not her fault. Swallow your anger or disgust or self-pity and be a parent. The rest of us are. Sorry, but you hit a button with me. I'm sorry, but going shopping is not fun for me either. I understand your frustration, but I agree with LeeAnn in that for 2 people to have a fun experience together, they both need to be sharing that fun. The best experiences I have with my kids is when we share the fun together. I go in the trampoline with them, we all jump in the pool together, and ride bikes together, etc. We went to build a bear and I made a bear too (they were very careful in helping mommy pick the right accessories for her "girl bear"). When it's arts and crafts time I make one too and hang mine up with theirs. The key is doing it together, and them seeing that I'm having fun too. Last night I helped them build a fort and then we all climbed in it together. Tonight I promised them we'd build a "lego world." Find your inner child! Also, if you can find a way to incorporate her interests even better. You mention that she likes to read signs. Find a nature trail and go on a hike, stopping to read each of the signs. If she likes the cart sign at the mall so much, go to the craft store, buy wood and paint, and help her make one just like it to put in her room. I hope you are able to find ways for the two of you to have fun together. I just wanted to elaborate about having fun. It's not that I think it's my job to have fun. But it's like Dr Phil says-- if all you do is try to "solve problems" in a relationship, and deal with problems, and problem this and problem that-- you have a problem relationship. With Clarissa, if it's not behaviour it's another, you know how it is... I think you have to create good experiences to create a good relationship. That's what I was really aiming for. Clarissa was just diagnosed with another condition-- Development Co-ordination Disorder *on top of* her PDD. This condition is making it difficult for her speak. Because judging from what the professionals are saying, she has this unusual thing about her: she has trouble just processing and producing speech on a physical level that is unusual even for someone with PDD. She has trouble putting words in a sentence together, although she seems to be able to understand how words are put together. Once information DOES sink in, she seems far more intelligent and cognizant than her test scores indicate. I would just love to be able to have a conversation with her. Just talk about things she likes. Or what she did today. A few weeks back we talked about animals and their young and what they eat. That was *soooo* gratifying. It just gets repititive once she gets on to a topic. The DCD gets in the way of fun. What happens is that she has trouble taking in information, processing it, planning out the actions in her brain, then executing them. It's like working with a real old computer-- it's slow to take in the input, then slow to execute the action, if it does at all, and if there's too much input, or it's too complicated, it crashes. That's what she's like. So talking is a physically tiring thing for her. So is a lot of play. For example, she agreed to play Lego blocks, which is a new thing for her. That was a bit of a relief. But she wouldn't put the pieces together. It's too demanding for her. It takes up too much neurological activity. So she plays vicariously through me,so to speak. I suppose you're right I shouldn't be so self-piteous, but I feel that way anyway.
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