Just sad.... | Autism PDD

Thanks. I don't know if I'm really ready to "let it all hang out", so to speak, but I guess it's something I should keep in mind.

Part of it is that the carrot of 'recovery' is always in view, and we feel so much pressure to do as much as we can, as soon as we can because, of course, that 'window of opportunity' is closing. And of course, there are many brands of cure, all with claims of success, but most with little verifyable data to assess, and it becomes a mad, scramble to try everything and everything as soon as possible to avoid your child becoming even more delayed...

It's very sad, that even in this day and age, parents are made to feel at least partially responsible for their child's lack of progress, or lack of 'recovery'. It certainly doesn't ease the pain of dealing with a disorder. Sometiems, I think they whole 'autism therapy industry' is actually more of a problem and a source of stress and expense, than anything else.

fred39282.4822916667My ds was diagnosed in january and there are still many days were I feel
close to tears all day long.but they have gotten less. And my ds isthe
sweetes kid doing well in many ways and I couldn't really tell you what my
sadness is about. Maybe it's about the future being more unpredictable,
Maybe my fear is that I won't be able to meet all his needs. But truthfully I
should have the same fears for my NT kids. I guess it is kind of like
having had a heart-attack: You always knew that you were immortal but
suddenly it slaps you in the face. Same with our kids: We know that we
can't meet all their needs and that we don't have full control of what their
adult years will be like but having a special needs kid hammers that
message home.
When you are upset with yourself for being sad remind yourself that this
grief is normal no matter if 'justified' or not. I don't think there is a parent
of a kid with asd who did not go through that in some shape. If you did
not feels sadness or anger or something in the beginning you should
worry.
As I write this I am crying I really feel for you . My son is 14 years old boy its been a long road he was diagnos when he was three years old boy I was really sad and grief over this because he would be the only son I would have and of course you want them to be normal and have friends but he does not know how to interact with kids his age he has a social impairment kids at school have made fun of him call him some terrible names . He is 14 and there are times that Im very sad and bitter because nobody knows what we parents have to deal with . Hang in there !!! I do have support from my eleven year old daughter and my family .

I suppose that might be part of the problem. I am concerned he's not getting enough help, I feel guilty because I'm torn in five or six different directions at once (DH, other kids, the house, taking some kind of care of myself) that I feel like he's not getting enough of the attention he needs from me.

Which of course, makes you feel like you're neglecting your other children, too.

*sigh* I suppose there is still some pressure, there, to be the best mom ever, and of course, I feel scrutinized by all these professionals and even perfect strangers when we're out and about and Jase has a hard time...

Evie, I hope you feel better soon. You are not alone. We all have been where you are and it gets better down the road. I have no great advice and admittedly had to get on meds when Sarah got diagnosed and she was easy as pie...got full program in place in 2 weeks & speech but I was totally consumed with dispair and urgency 24/7 and couldnt get rid of it..I am alot better now but still remember vividly what it felt like in the first early years and I didnt have a board like this to come to either.. Hang in there~talk to your doctor if it doesnt subside and know we are here for you with BIG hugs and EARS!!!:)It is a natural part of parenting. After we get a dx, we kind of mourn for
some imagined future that our child won't have. We feel sad that our
child will have a harder time for others. We never feel like we're doing
enough....
And we're tired! It a potent combination, and hearing the dx somehow
has the power to make it all official.

I would reccomend a support group, or personal therapy to help you
navigate your way through these feelings. You don't have to "bare all" or
let it all hang out in front of a group. Sometimes it is just comforting to
meet folks in the same boat, who really get you. Sometimes you can
learn a lot from people who have "been there" or are going through the
same thing. Also, it's agood break for you, to focus on your feelings.

Also, I am a big proponent of crying. Get it out! You will feel better.
Jasper says that tears help take all the bad feelings out of your body, and
he is right.

you are so not alone in this.

Evie, I was also really surprised to find myself re-mourning once I had the official dx (this past May). And fred so completely described that maddening cycle we put ourselves through as we scramble and try to figure out what intervention might help our child. And the haunting though that wakes you at 2am: Are we doing enough? What more can I do?

One thing that has helped me feel better in the last month (in addition to this board) is meeting in person with some parents of ASD kids - for fun. Yes, for fun. It gave me this huge sense of relief that I can not quite put into words.

I hope you find the thing that gives you comfort and calm soon.

I am thankful for this board! I don't want to burden my family with my whining about this...my aunt lost her son (same age as my oldest) this past spring due to cancer...this is absolutely nothing compared to that.

I try to keep that in my mind...no matter how I feel, I have to feel lucky, too, that I haven't had to suffer something like that. Makes Jason's issues feel much more insignificant, in comparison. I just have to suck it up, and keep on keepin' on, kwim?

I don't think you have to suck it up. Your aunt's son dying does NOT diminish the issues you are facing. There is no comparison. Your grief is still valid. Grieve. Otherwise you won't learn how to be strong. You've got to get it out. And it will take years. Maybe the grief never really goes away. But my son is 16 -- I don't feel the grief any more. Is he like other sons? No. But he is MY son. And he's done his personal best. That's all we can ask of them and that's all we should ask of ourselves. Our personal best. Your aunt lost her son but she had many days of normalcy with him, too. You will never have a single day of normalcy with your son (except the personal normalcy you two have developed together). Every day, autism will be there, too. This IS something to mourn about. And if you DON'T mourn, you won't get to the place where you can truly, truly help your son become the best he can be. And you won't be able to enjoy him for the person he is instead of the person you had wished for. I know. This has been a long journey for me, too.

Evie

I agree with Shelly: the dispair and urgency is 24/7 , at least is was for me. The dispair is almost gone now but Autism is always on my mind. I read everything I can get my hands on, I talk to anyone who will listen, but the biggest source of comfort is HERE. asking questions, venting , knowing everyone on here cares.

I hope you can find comfort in all the replies, and know that we are all here for you

My goodness -- who could be HAPPY about autism? We are happy to have our children, of course, but it IS a sad thing that they will always be faced with such terrible challenges. Of course, it's not THE END. Getting a diagnosis is THE BEGINNING. However, we still mourn. Yes, you may have know your child was "different," but knowing and KNOWING are two different things. Don't deny yourself the mourning process. It will slow down your ability to actually help your child.

Evie, I felt the same way 2 years ago when my son was diagnosed. That first year I felt so lethargic. I only had enough energy to keep up with my obligations, and definitely didn't take time to cry.

I only started feeling better after I took a 6-part class for parents of special needs children, focusing on feelings and values surrounding the parental role. There was a support group element to it, and I left feeling empowered and feeling more like my old self.

It is definitely worth setting off some time to get the heaviest part of the grieving over with. They're complicated feelings -- like you, I didn't really see anything to feel sorry for myself about, but the grief feeling is real.

Good luck with everything.

It's really weird. Lately...okay, since we got the diagnosis, I've been really sad. I don't really know why, either. Jason is (as far as we know, right now) otherwise healthy, he just has autism. He's improving a little bit with some things, though treading water is pretty much where he is at, right now.

He's not deathly ill, he's starting to receive services, and I'm doing what I can to get him referred to an Autsim Spectrum Disorders Center in a nearby medical center, so I've pretty much done all I can to get things in place that will help him.

He has some challenging behaviors, sure, but nothing I can't handle, so far. I don't feel like I'm mourning the child that might have been, because I have always felt there was something different about him, anyway, so I've never really had any expectations like that for him. My husband and family are supportive, we have (or are getting) the means and the knowlege to help him in every way that we can.

So why am I so sad?! It doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I'm fighting back tears all the time (I hate, hate, hate crying), and I'm tired all the time. I guess I'm probably depressed, but I can't think of any real reason for me to be that way. Everything that's going on now is being addressed in one way or another, so why can't I just get over myself? I am at my wit's end here, I'm being such a baby, and for no good reason!

Any advice? I'm tired of feeling like this! I feel like a freakin' drama queen!