Is this fair? | Autism PDD

My dad was this way..he went fishing, hunting, bowling tournaments every weekend while my mom had us 4 kids and didnt drive at home..guess what..she divorced him over it 20 years ago and he married another right away and hasnt changed one teensy bit..still very selfish, and still is gone every weekend.

 I would give him an ultimatium to be a father first and his sport will have to come later when he is not so needed at home! Good luck!

I don't have the answer but am sending you a cyber hug. 

Cyber hug - that sucks

I hear you...

My DH plays tennis 1-3x per week depending on whether or not there is a tournament, softball once (twice if "practice") per week in spring/fall, beach volleyball once per week in the summers, basketball 1-2x per week depending on the season.  He also plays fantasy football which basically kills alot of Sundays and Monday nights during football season.  He also goes skiing with his friends every year for a week to the tune of...Don't ask!  I support his love and need for athletic participation, but...

When we had no children I could somewhat balance this as I worked all the time and we usually saw a movie or did something on Saturdays.  After Andrew, he cut back on the sports schedule, but has increased and decreased all along.  When I worked 3x/week and had an in-home babysitter for those 3 days (her pay came out of MY salary), he decided that this gave him the perfect opportunity to take another nite "off" to play sports, but after I stopped working he never gave up that nite, so...

I should have stood up for myself and my marriage (I did but not in the right ways) from day one.  After our son came, I should have put my foot down (I tried but ended up backing down after a short-lived change in his behavior).  Now I just live with it.  It's like we live two different lives that only intersect with Andrew and the occasional family function.

What I'm trying to say is, do NOT wait!  Deal with this NOW before it's too late!

Blessings!

Thanks for responding all of you. Its good to have this support system.  I know I'm not the the only one in this boat and its also good to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Thanks you all, I'll be bucking up and laying it down(the law that is) Why is it that when your married and have kids, somewhere along the line your husband becomes and extra child??

You are getting the short end of the stick.  No question.  Sounds like it's time for a "division of labor" talk.

Okay, This is my vent. I took the summer off from my job because of no available childcare for the two full days that I work per week(I go back in September) I have been with both my kids all day every day. My husband works six days a week, self employed, he does construction type work. He also plays softball during the summer. This is my gripe. If he's not working on the weekends he's at a softball tournament or some other softball related thing. The tournaments are either all weekend, or from 8am Sat morning untill 10 or 11pm at night depending on how they do(they always do well). In August my husband has a all day tournament out of town one weekend, a "championship" tournament that is a out of town as well but is from Friday to Sunday, which would mean he would leave on Thursday and not get back untill late Sunday night or Monday. Then a Labor day weekend tournament that is in town but is on Saturday and Monday.

We havent taken a vacation in 2 years, due to money issues and my ASD son's age, he is not able to sleep in a regular bed yet and portacribs are too small. We are waiting untill he gets a little older and used to sleeping in his twin bed. We are also behind in our mortgage once again and due to my not working this summer money is tight.

I persoanlly do not think that this is fair to my son and mainly me. We(according to him) can't afford to take any trips but yet he can go out of town for a weekend, pay for motel accomadations, food, gas to play ball?? I know this is a man thing but I'm over it. I'm at home with 2 kids every day. When I have mentioned taking the kids to the beach on the weekend(which I would need him for because I can't chase my 4 yo up and down the beach and watch my other son in the water as well) or taking the kids to the zoo or anywhere else, Its either he has to work, doesn't have time or we don't have the money. Its usually the time excuse but yet he makes his own hours and never seems to have a problem rearranging his work schedule for Softball. I have told him about this many times and it has caused quite a few arguments because I feel like I have sacrificed and given up alot of things to take care of my kids and he has given up nothing. 

Because of the summer and the fact that my ASD child is doing alot more talking and  making progress in other areas, his stimming has increased, he has gotten into the terrible 2 stage(even though he's 4) and he is waking up more in the middle of the night for 2-3 hours, but still gets up early every morning meaning I get no sleep most nights. My other son has friends over occasionally during the day to swim(which is his right) and I feel that I am constantly watching either mine or someone elses kids. When my son naps for a couple of hours, I do housework that I can't get sone any other time of the day because of watching him. I'm burned out, p.o.'d, and stressed, tired, and feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I personally think my husband needs to spend more time on the weekends at home not only to give me a break but to spend time with his son. I also don't think its fair for him to go out of town for a whole weekend and leave me at home to take care of everything. His softball monopolizes all of his time in the summer and I think he needs to either quit it or only play one night a week. He's never home on the weekends. The last tournament he played in he messed up his knee and couldn't work for 3 days and he does physical labor so if he does something to himself then we don't get paid. It was his idea for me to stay home this summer with the kids. I need some input here, I'm not against him having his outlet but damn, at my expense?? It seems spoiled and selfish to me.   

OMG JULS!

... and I thought I had it bad that my husband MUST teach a non-credit art class EVERY Tuesday night for the rest of his life??? And go out with the guys after ...

But ... your husband has a HUGE time-commitment to his "outside interest." I think he needs some reining in!

Yep it seems spoiled and selfish (and a few other things like immature,
egocentric, mean...) to me too. I think it is also not that uncommon that
if there is something overwhelming to deal with - like autism- that one
partner steps full-force up to the plate while the other pretends like
nothing has happend.
I am not sure what to advise you. I know some women here have layed
down the law and said that either you need to step up to the plate or walk
out the door. And for some that has worked but unless you mean it you
wouldn't want to be called on the bluff. You could book a weekend away
for yourself and just let him deal and hope that he gets some insight from
that. But he might just get a relative to take over and have a huge fight
with you. I guess it comes down to you knowing your dh's inner though
process best. But I agree that the way things are right now are damaging
to you, your kids and your marriage.
Don't give up, find some way to get through to him. He will be resistant
because stepping up is hard and requieres the ability to get-over-oneself
but you and your marriage deserve that.

Hey Juls, long-time no talk!  I hear your frustration and know it all to well.....Your right, it isn't fair to you or the kiddos either. Let me tell you, what I do to give my husband a heads up---I leave at different times to run arrands or visit with a friend. I stay gone for a few hours and leave him in charge and once every other weekend, I take a full day to do whatever.  I'm not trying to punish him, but you have to make time for yourself.  A lot of other families, encounter the same problem. I have found sometimes, one spouse is stronger than the other and one escapes......I don't like to do separate things from my hub, but he ventures off without me sometimes.

Men are different and deal with stress differently sometimes taking a mental break.  I stay at home myself and I have resented my husband at times as he seems to be more freed up than I.    We're getting better at giving each other a break, only after I left him home several times to hold down the fort.  Each spouse needs to see what they go through, but also compromise on future plans as a family. Call for a family meeting and try to schedule your time and the families. I'm sorry your exhausted and upset. I hope things improve soon!!

Take care and God Bless,

JOY 

Julie...I am so sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I do know what you are going through...my DH and have been having some problems lately and that is definitely one of them...I am a SAHM and he works and somehow got it into his head that I do NOTHING and he deserves "his time" because he works all week.

Now don't get me wrong, he works HARD and A LOT,  but I need time too.  His thing is coaching football...which takes up EVERY night from the beginning of August until the end of October.  Plus, anytime I ask him to help with something around the house I hear, "It's my weekend."  What is that crap???  When is my weekend??

Anyway, I know exactly how you feel, hang in there and hopefully someone will have some good advice for us!

joyful -- GOOD to give him a taste of it!!! Very important and can be done civilly without anger or unpleasantness!I right with yuo on this one.BUt my DH is working all the time almost 16 hours everyday and 8-10 on the weekends.And we never see him which is hard cause he is the one person my DS really loves to be around.I have been trying to find ways to get him to stop working so much. Good Question!!!

[QUOTE=juls35inva]Thanks for responding all of you. Its good to have this support system.  I know I'm not the the only one in this boat and its also good to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Thanks you all, I'll be bucking up and laying it down(the law that is) Why is it that when your married and have kids, somewhere along the line your husband becomes and extra child??

I hear you lol.  I got rid of my extra child rofl. 

 

((HUGS))

I think it's really easy to fall into the trap of one parent doing all of the kid work and the other parent maintaining a pre-kids lifestyle.  I've managed to avoid that by having my own activities.

Similar to what others have said, I don't curtail dh's extracurricular activities, but I make sure I have some of my own.  For years, dh played in his work golf league 1 day per week after work.  This year my company started a golf leage too so I joined.  He golfs Wed after work and I golf Thursdays - works out great.  Once per year he goes away for 4 days for a "guys golf weekend" so I organized my college friends for a "girls getaway" each year too where we fly to a random city and hang out, shop, spa, gamble, etc.

My gripe is a bit different - we both make time for each other to have our own activities, but it's hard for us to ever do anything together outside of home.  We have fun at night when kids are asleep (watch movies, talk, etc.) but we never go out together.  We both work and leave kids with sitter during the week, so we feel guilty doing a sitter on the weekend.  We each have fun in our own activities, but it's such a tag team operation if you know what I mean.

My advice, for what it's worth, is that if you just "lay down the law" about dh's activities, he may just react poorly, given that the child in all of us comes out when we feel someone is trying to take away our fun.  You may want to broach it in the tune of "Honey, I am starting to get really burnt out.  I feel like all I do is take care of the kids and I need some more time for myself.  You seem so much happier because you have all of these activities you do that are a distraction and it makes you so much more balanced.  I need that in my life too."  Then you can figure out how to compromise so that he has "his time" and you have "your time."  Tell him what you want to do (join a health club, quilting class, etc.) and put your schedules together and figure out how to make it work.  He may realize on his own, when you calendar it out, that he may have to give up some of his activities to allow you to have some, so that you have more balance.  Of course, I don't know you guys, so this may be the completely wrong approach, I'm just throwing out ideas.

Take care.

[QUOTE=Rhosyn

  I got rid of my extra child rofl. 

/QUOTE]

Ha!  My extra child walked out before I could get rid of him!

Juls,

Concernedpa. 

Juls- I have  aLOT of the same feelings...wish I had advice, just know you are not alone!

Hi Juls! I have missed you!    Well that stinks that he has not been willing to ease up on the base ball for you and the kids.  I am hoping he sees you need alone time and time with him.  (And he needs to spend time w/ your boys.)  Maybe he can free up some work time ??  Or a little less baseball time???

Good luck Juls!

Janis

To answer your question...NO IT's NOT FAIR.

Maybe a discussion is in order and let him know how this makes you feel. And ask how he would feel if he were in your shoes?  Maybe it can be as simple as that...non confrontational discussion.  Take care,

Karrie

Nope, not fair.  Hope it works out for you.
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