Do the stares make you furious | Autism PDD
No I can handle the stares. Its comments that get me really angry. Liz
The stares make me angry at the time....but later (for the most part) I get over it cause I realize before Ali, I prob. stared just like they did. I was not sure about why a kid would behave a certain way and watched them with curiosity....not so much judgement (not every time...sometimes I did wonder if the parents were doing something to provoke the child). Now, that I have Ali, have gained understanding through her and have furthered my education in Special Education & Psychology, I usually assume (though, not always)that there is something like autism, sensory issues, ADD, just plain immaturity or otherwise as the cause, I smile at the child then caregiver and go about my business. But I was not always this person I am today...so I do forgive most people who stare. It is the rude comments that make me so angry that I could spit nails. I also get angry at people laughing at Ali (like she is some sort of entertainment) or when they go out of their way to avoid her.
Oh, and speaking of the harness, I am getting one this Friday when I get paid (thanks to the recommendation from someone here). Ali desperately needs it. Yesterday she got away from me and was running across the lot at Friendly's and nearly got hit. Thank God she is okay!
Turtle, I agree! Waiting it out works best and fastest with Ali....it is just that with everyone staring and talking about you as the parent it seems to take forever. Allisa, I would have been in tears of joy when the 2nd little girl said that. I think all parents need to educate thier children about others differences. We as a society may want to think about making diversity the 1st class kids get in school (educating them on different races and cultures and special needs)! The stares used to not bother me. But when we were recently on vacation, I think they were worse than ever. And several people make rude comments. My dh even confronted one of them. I guess when I am at home in my own element. I really don't notice, but vacation was terrible. I try very hard to ignore the stares, and i have noticed most of them come from children too. I'm not talking small children, 10 and up. I want to ask their mother if she forgot to teach them manners. Turn around and mind your own table. But the comments are the worse. And I have to take a deep breath not to bark out he has autism! Its the old ladies who think talking to them will get the tantrum to stop and that they know all their is to know about children and start to tell you what you are doing wrong. Of course it doesn't work and often makes it worse. I bought the boys harnesses at age 2. I didn't get the cute back pack ones cause I had to buy 2 and would have been too much money. So these are the plain safety first ones that look like harnesses. I got a lot of stares too, but I did notice behaviors decreased dramatically and they learned to walk with me. If I am going someplace crowded by myself I still get them out. I noticed most of the comments came from people who didn't have kids, mostly teenagers and young adults. Parents usually said oh wow I could use one of those. Oh I wanted to add, when we go to the zoo or disney now I see a ton of those animal backpacks. probably 5-10 in a day. You never use to see any. Lots are NT kids. Sounds like it is getting more accepted. I really don't understand the bias against using the harnesses that some people have. I used one with my nt daugter when she was little and it was a life saver. She was just a bright, very social, inquistive little toddler , who could get away from me on a moments notice. I used this same harness with my son as well. I didn't have to use it as often because he loved being in shopping carts and out in public places like parks - he loves holding his sisters hand and following her.But people thought nothing of saying stuff to me when she was on it like " how would you like to be on a leash ?". My feelings then and still are you have do whatever you feel necessary to keep your child safe. I can handle the stares we get when my son has a meltdown - but the mean, rude comments that we sometimes get will bring out the Momma Bear in a split second. At the park yesterday Sarah was sorta playing with a little girls on the monkey bars and all was well till Sarah had enough and stated loudly.... "Mama I just dont want to play with that girl anymore!" No particular reason for it..she was just tired of her~the little girl starting crying!
I told Sarah it wasnt nice to say that to her and it hurt her feelings and she had an instant meltdown 10x louder than the little girl..the mom was right there the whole time and staring holes in me! ... normally I would of instantly responded " so sorry...she has autism" but I gritted my teeth and told her I was sorry and she needed a nap for which the mo stated her daughter had a meltdown earlier and it was okay~ I was embarrassed but proud of myself for not disclosing her diagnoses..probably the first for me to do that...and the fact that Sarah's behavior was not excusable and I couldnt use her diagnoses to let her off so easy:) I had to manually carry her to the car kicking & screaming and took her home. She is on the cusp of nt & autism behaviors and I treat the typical ones as just...I dont want her to think because she has autism she has the right to have ill manners or hurt people feelings..which to me is a nt behavior:P There is no answer to a stare. At least if you get a remark you have something to answer to ... There is an online course for International Adoptive Parents, called "Conspicuous Families." Clearly the responses they provide are for a different audience, but it is GOOD, and FREE ... google it and see if you find it helpful. What I love is it gives three types of respomse to each common remark -- a friendly one, a sarcastic one, and a shut-down one for times when your child's and family's privacy is important. I do not know if anyone here would find the attitude helpful, but it gave me a framework for responding to a LOT of stuff! At the park yesterday Sarah was sorta playing with a little girls on the monkey bars and all was well till Sarah had enough and stated loudly.... "Mama I just dont want to play with that girl anymore!" No particular reason for it..she was just tired of her~the little girl starting crying!
/QUOTE] OMG that sounds SO like a TUHINA thing to say!!! I hate excusing her "rudeness" to people to whom the explanation sounds like a lame excuse, anyhow! Melody That's good to know! I haven't investigated them as we don't need one - I guess I just assumed from other people's posts and just because usually cuter things are pricier! Well, you know what they say about assuming...
Micki, I guess that leaves people in a quandary though - obviously noise will get people's attention. Most know it's not polite to stare and try not to (but still do). Also, I have had several instances of offering to help and to be rebuked by the parent. So, even though I keep trying - I'm a little more hesitant. I imagine others have had similar experiences. However, the throwing up thing - well, people should try to run and get management or at least some paper towels! Obviously the child is getting sick. There are people though who get physically sick just from hearing or seeing someone else throw up - so they might pass the child by quickly. I too get upset by all of the above but it's really a no-win situation. If people stare, I get upset and also want to ask them what their problem is. If they try to avoid staring, I wonder why no one offers to help. But then when someone offers to help - I usually refuse (politely though). Why? Well, because I'm supposed to be able to handle this myself - yet I can't. Yup - I need therapy I guess! When I worked in foster care, we were told that foster parents were not allowed to use the harnesses. At the time, I didn't have children so didn't fully understand HOW difficult it can be to keep a child with you. However, this one mom really wanted a harness for this boy who was about 8 (he looked about 6 - very small for his age). To me, that was just over the top. However, looking back - I am guessing this child was on the spectrum. He had a diagnosis of ADHD but I remember the foster mom and I both saying it was something more - we just didn't know what (this was 12 years ago). Looking back, I would bet a million dollars he either had AS or HFA. But, he would take off in stores and he was FAST. My recommendation to her was to go shopping while he was in school or at an appointment or when her dh was home. This actually was fairly reasonable given that there really was only about an hour and a half between when the child got home and her dh got home. But sometimes, you do have to get something for supper - so I told her then just get EXACTLY what you need (less than 5 items), make sure you try to involve him in finding the things and then get out AS FAST AS YOU CAN! They didn't often travel to theme parks with the kids or do much in the way of travel (they had one biological child and usually ahd 5 foster kids - and you need to get permission from all parents in order to travel with the kids). But anyway, there used to be a huge bias against them - especially in foster care. But foster parents are also put under much higher scrutiny in how they treat kids - so if you think YOU would get dirty looks, imagine what a foster parent would go through if they did that. They would most likely get reported for abuse. At least that would have happened 12 years ago. It might still today - although I think people are getting more accepting of them (I sure have!). I think the new backpack ones are better because they don't look quite as much like a "leash". But they are pricier, I know... [QUOTE=Melody][quote]I think the new backpack ones are better because they don't look quite as much like a "leash". But they are pricier, I know... [/quote] When I looked at those animal backpacks you could only get them online and they were each. They were a new idea. I didn't have the to shell out for leashes. Of course that was over 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter and I couldn't take the twins anywhere cause they would either go in different directions or one would sit down and scream while the other one ran away. LOL! It was a site I'm sure! Target only sold the kind I have then that actually look like harnesses, glad they now carry the animal ones, I think the demand grew for that kind so they started carrying them and now they are more accepted and you see them everywhere. yes, the stares make me furious. I have even told people off before, but mostly I just think to myself "ignorant asses, they haven't got a clue!" One time, when my son was about 3, we were @ Disney and I had a harness on him (it's a child's harness with a leash) since my son LOVED to run away from me and did not understand danger or getting lost yet. Anyhow, this ignorant lady, who spoke as though she were chewing her face, said "how do you like that thing?" I replied: "I love it" She said "oh, you love it!?" I said: "Yeah! It keeps my child from running off and getting lost, and he's the most important thing in the world to me." Autism sucks, but ignorance is worse. that's just my opinion.
As far as stares.....yes.....I HATE HATE them.....I find it is mostly children who stare, and while I try not to be angry.....because let's face it.,,,kids stare at everything !! it is saddening. I'll never forget once we were swimming at local pond and typical Erin she was climbing on the dock, walking the length, walking back, jumping in the water, and REPEAT.....all ritualistic and "talking gibberish" the whole time. Two little gilrs were watching her and one said to the other " I think she is a zombie"
To which the second girl ( I could have HUGGED her on the spot ) replied..."she's not a zombie, she just has special needs"
I used to be perky and try to educate everyone.....now I don't have the energy...and I always feel like people look at Erin and see her Down syndrome right off the bat and I feel like we "give Down syndrome a bad reputation" because the truth is....most of her quirks, behaviors and issues stem from her Autistic side more..... Anyways....just wanted to say.....yes, I'd love to join you in Nantucket on a ASD ONLY beach !! No stares, only acceptance !! When the stares do arrive, they are usually from children who are wondering why he is whining like that or making that ee-eeee-eee noise while clapping his hands. The thing to remember is, YOUR children are listening to and watching you react, so whenever you do react, it needs to be something for them to model. Even though I may be seething inside, I will turn and make full direct eye contact with a staring adult - smile like I'm Miss America, and shrug my shoulders. Then "happily" turn back to my whiner. With kids, I may say to Cole....yo! Cole! Give it up son, that's not cool behavior. I acknowledge that he's being funky, don't make a huge deal over it, but I do "reprimand" him showing that it is not okay to do. I try to be casual over it, showing that I don't let it freak me out, and hope that my son's NT brother and those other kids will treat it casually as well. When little toddlers fall down, and these hystrionic mommies go running over and saying OH MY BABY...ARE YOU OKAY???????? OH POOR, POOR SWEETIE, LET MOMMY KISS IT then guess who turns into a drama-queen/king brat who constantly seeks attention? Kids learn from us. If we don't make a huge deal over odd behavior, then neither will the kids who watch us react. Its an unpleasant lesson to be embroiled in, but when Cole acts funky in public, its a chance to educate others on how they should react. It's funny you mention children getting hurt. My mom acts like I am a bad mom when Ali gets hurt and I do not freak out. I ask her if she is okay and if she says yes I don't move and wait to see how she will respond next. If she stays calm I just casually check out the injury. If she freaks out I stay calm and go to her to assess it. If she does not respond right away or she is really flipping out I go into extra calm mode and check it out and take action if need be. The whole time my mom (we live together) is flipping out and telling me "maybe she broke it", "maybe she sprained it", "it looks bad", "you should ...", etc. You are right...kids learn or pick up on what we do. I must take after my dad.
The rest of the stares just make me sad. Mainly because of the whispers though. Normally in a public place, I will be able to stand back and watch just Daniel and tune everything out UNTIL I hear the whispering. That's when I get sad/upset.
Oh, and 100%, the harnesses do help. I guess I'm lucky at where I've gone with it. All the comments I've ever heard were from other mothers/kids saying "Look! He has a puppy just like you/me." And the mother or kid get really excited. Some people are learning that when a child feels more free, the less strain it is on the parents. Or at least that's what I've seen. Of course, to see D with it on his back, and the fact that he keeps calling it his "pack pack" probably doesn't hurt either. It shows the other people that he likes it too..
I think this is a misconception. There's one company that makes the backpack/animal kind.. They are only to buy one from Target. It's lasted my son a year and a half now. They have that dog one and a bear one. I think Walmart carries the monkey one. Plus they're even easy to wash.
I definitely see no reason NOT to get one if you have one that walks around alot. We keep it in the back window of the car, and Daniel takes it out on his own for us to put on him. So yeah, just thought I'd say that.
My ds starts whining and crying before meltdowns and I am rather sick of
'helpful' people making comments like "A big boy like you should not....' I
think for the most part people don't think he has a dissability they think
that he is just spoiled and ill-behaved.
As for the stares - once I start getting frazzled myself all of it bothers me.
If people stare I feel like saying ""Why don't you get yourself some
popcorn while you watch' And if they don't stare I feel like screaming
"Hello - I know you notice - why does everyone preted we are invisible"
I had a friend whose little toddler boy with DS started throwing up all over
the place in a grocery store once and everyone pretended they were not
noticing. Sometimes no stares are as bad as the stares.
I think this is a misconception. There's one company that makes the backpack/animal kind.. They are only to buy one from Target. It's lasted my son a year and a half now. They have that dog one and a bear one. I think Walmart carries the monkey one. Plus they're even easy to wash.
I definitely see no reason NOT to get one if you have one that walks around alot. We keep it in the back window of the car, and Daniel takes it out on his own for us to put on him. So yeah, just thought I'd say that.
[/QUOTE]
up...Hi Everyone,
I hope you are all well. We are away on vacation in Nantucket right now, and having a great time. I just can't take the stares that we have been getting when Matty stims or makes noise. We were at the beach yesterday, and for whatever reason, he started to have a meltdown (he loves the beach). I don't know what provoked it, but I think it was because it was a more crowded beach, or maybe because the water was calm (he LOVES waves). Anyway, he started a meltdown, and tried to bite me. I finally calmed him down, but people were staring and staring right at him and whispering. Of course, I felt paranoid, but I'm pretty sure they were talking about him. It was obvious.
I mean, if I see a 6 year old child acting that way, I would assume there were some issues
, it's not like he's having his "terrible two's" tantrum or anything.
Anyway, just wanted to vent
Copyright Autism-PDD.net