How to support friends | Autism PDD

I'm friends with a couple, and the dad just told me that their young son
was diagnosed with autism. They're now overwhelmed trying to figure out
how to proceed.

I'm quite fond of these folks (they are nice as can be). I feel very sad for
them, but also guilty for feeling sad because I'm guessing that they'd read
this sadness as a judgement on their beloved son, that he's "less" than
they wanted, and that could just bring more hurt.

I know how I feel, but am not quite sure what to say. I offered my support
in any way to the dad (whom I see more frequently), told him my heart
goes out to them, which it absolutely does.

But I wonder if anybody has any more specific suggestions on how I can
best support my friends in a way that's proactive, dignified, and
compassionate.

Thanks!well, uhhh id say first refer them to this site, here they can find hope, friendship and information on how to proceed.

secondly, and i dont know how to word this to someone using my voice obviously, but having a son with autism is not the end of the world, granted its a tough road ahead, both parents and the kid will have to work very hard, but their are a few positives to the diagnosis as well, try to look at it as a different way of seeing the universe, as opposed to a hopeless disorder.

If they do the right things, and work hard, their son, although will always have difficulty his whole life, will be able to have as normal a life as possible, and be sucessful as an adult.

Here's an article called "What do I say? What do I do? A guideline for family and friends of parents who have children with autism":

http://www.autismtoday.com/articles/whatdoisay.html

Good luck with everything. I admire your taking the time and effort to figure out the best way of showing support to your friends.

It is very sweet to be so concerned for your friends...learn all you can and be a good emphathic listener...they are few out there that truely understand what it feels like unless they have a child themselves..it would be a blessing for them for you to understand and know what they are going through:) They are lucky you care so much:) I think they will have to go through a period of shock and grief. And
during that time it is important that you let them know that you are still
there, still their friend and that their son is still first and foremost a kid.
While I have to admit that there were times when anything a friend said
was just as likely to make me mad as it was to be enourmously helpful
(depending on day), it is the friends who said nothing at all that hurt me
the most. The friends that ment the world to me are those who stuck
around and put up with my grief and anger and the fact that my priorities
were just completly focused on autism. Just be a friend like you have
always been, you can't change or fix this for them.

Read as much as you can about ASD and spend time with the child. I think the best support would be offering to "help" whenever they need it. I wish I had "help" those early years. My own parents wouldn't even watch my son for a few years.

As we are still pretty new at this (diagnosed about 7 weeks ago), I can say that it probably took some effort on their part to even verbalize it. It took us some time to actually say it out loud. I would just listen, offer help (babysit if you feel comfortable), and occasionally ask how things are going. The one thing that has hurt my feelings the most is after telling a friend they completely ignore the topic, and it is on my mind all the time, also when people say things like, "oh, I am sure he will grow out of it, he'll be fine". Just listen, support, ask how you can help, give them a date night by watching the kids (even if it is after the kiddo(s) are in bed.I think the most helpful thing someone could do for me is offer to babysit--either the one with autism or the other ones (so I could work with my son).

What I would give for a friend to call or email and just say "Hey- I was just thinking about you and want you to know I care about you and your family. Want to talk? Need a sitter? Please let me know what I can do." Just keep it simple and let them know you care. I second what everyone else is saying about self-educating and sharing this website with them- it is one of the best~probably the best for parent-to-parent and (ASD adult too) support.

The adults in my family who I appreciate the most are those who found a way to bond with my child, figure out his interest and play with him as though he were any child. I also appreciate those who tried to understand ASD and gave him gifts they thought would help and kept him in their thoughts and ask after him along with my other kids from time to time. A sympathetic ear is highly appreciated as well. Oh yes I loved those with whom I could laugh over his tricks and quirks. We laugh a lot about some of what he does, and each other's reaction. E.g once I went shopping with a girlfriend, my son takes off towards the exit. I take off after him. My friend dropped everything and chased after us. Well we had a good laugh after we caught him. Sometimes when she call she starts with: "had any good run lately?" I do appreciate her. This came a while later in the autism journey, not initially.

Concernedpa.

Call and say hello when you can, don't aviod them. That is hurtful. Listen when they talk, don't tell them every success story about autism that you have heard of. Its nice to have someone that will listen.

If you run across an article, magazine, etc, save it for them. Don't treat their child different, treat him like you always have. Maybe offer to babysit once in awhile. Parents really need a break.

You sound like a great friend, when autism comes up, you find out who is a friend and who isn't.

Wow! I really appreciate all this helpful advice. Thank you so much,
everybody. I'll keep it all in mind, and I will check back here to see what's
added.

What not to do -- do NOT blow off their concerns and tell them he "seems normal," or that you just know he will get better (even if you think he WILL).

Do not act devastated, either. As Woodsman says, a diagnosis, although it feels like it AT FIRST to parents, is NOT the end of the world or of their child! I ahd someone tell me they were sorry, as if they thought my daughter had DIED.

Help them maintain as much of their pre-diagnosis perspective of their child, as possible. That is what helped me. The more they read diagnostic stuff, and interpret what before seemed like quirky behavior as symptoms, the tougher it can get! Their kid is still the same kid, it is only their perspective that has changed and they need to balance that.

Read up -- here, books, websites, whatever you can find, that helps with diagnosis.

And YES, you sound like a great friend!