My husband and I have been married 12 years and have had our ups and downs over the years but mostly ups......anyway things started to change after having our son in 2005, and it has never really been the same since.
My husband is very involved emotionally with our son, but I feel overwhelmed and stressed after looking after Lucas all week alone especially while he is out of town working. I feel like we are always comparing "who's job is more stressful" because I stay at home and don't get raises, vacation time, sick time, I arrange and take ds to all therapy appointments and I think I "win", he sees differently.
Anyway we argue often, and our love life is getting bad. I am never interested because of all the stress. I stay at home with Lucas, and DH says if I need a break from Lucas I should get a job! Yeah, like going back to working in my field (professional counselor or social worker) is not stressful enough, as well as balancing an ASD child under the age of three with 4 types of therapies every week! I just don't know what to do. I love him very much, and it would be very difficult to make things comfortable for us all if we divorced, but I am not happy.
Any advice or similar situations? Thanks
Glad to hear it, and blessing to your family!!!
I don't expect my husband to do all the research, prep for IEP's , etc.., that I do. That is more my dept. But I do expect him to be a great Dad, which he is and he does work with our son A LOT on the floor and in public. He is not going to take it to the level that I do, but that's because I enjoy reading the books and I just relay the information to him. We've been together 13 years and for us, the autism dx has brought our family closer together. I definetly don't want to be a statistic!
Sound like you two are hard workers - including with your marriage. Keep talking and expressing your respect & thanks. Express your respect & thanks. Express your respect & thanks.
When I've had it up to here with DH, but he says something tiny in admiration of what I do, all is forgotten. When he's sick of my crud, and I say something positive about him, all is forgotten. No matter what a "jerk" the other spouse is acting like, you have to admit in at least ONE AREA, he or she rocks. Tell one another! That is the secret.
Do not let autism smash you apart, or it has won and your kid has lost a bit more. We have been married 18 years, together for 21...still in love.
Good for you...it's a VERY tough road, but the fact that he's willing to go to couseling is great. I still struggle all the time about whether to stay or go. Left once already and can't remember why the heck I came back!We are very close, have mutual respect and are best friends. Our relationship has had it's challenges for many years now, way before L came along- can't blame him. We are both head strong, intelligent and passionate people. I know we will do what is best for L in the long run, and we agreed to try counseling again and see what happens.
Dp and I have been together for 17 years and so far so good. The roughMy dh and i too have had our ups and downs throughout all of this, but for the most part we are on the same page with everything we are doing for Ryan. I was actually out on maternity leave for the last 4 months, which was right as we got Ryans diagnosis and started all of his therapies. The timing of my daughter was a blessing in disguise because i got to be right on top of all of his therapy and micromanaged the whole thing, not to mention spending way too much time on the computer, on this site and researching treatments, etc.
Well, I went back to work this week and while I was dreading it so much, it actually felt really good to have "me" back again. I feel like I have done so much for Ryan and now its up to his therapists that ive amassed to give him what he needs, with me reinforcing everything at home.
I guess what im saying is not to rule out going back to work, but in a field that you feel like you can make a contribution and feel empowered. Now that Im working again, I dont feel like autism has taken over my whole life anymore. I miss the kids so much when Im at work, but I love what i do and feel like a whole person again. My marriage is stronger because im happier.
Please dont misconstrue what im saying here- for those moms that chose to SAH with their kids, I think that is a wonderful choice and everyone needs to make that decision for themselves.
I'm soon to be a statistic....we are currently separated. Things started going downhill when I was pregnant. The autism just served as a catalyst to an already failing relationship. Some men (not all) but some feel that no matter what you do their job is always: more important, stressful, mentally draining, physically exhausting than whatever you as a woman do, even if it's working a 40 week and then coming home to dishes, apiles of laundry, dinner etc. Even if you make more money there's a reason that he'll be too busy, tired or deserving of downtime than you. Again it's not all men but some.WOW WOW WOW
This is going to be an VERY interesting thread!
9 out of 10 (YES THE NUMBERS ARE CORRECT) families divorce when a child has autism.
My husband and I, when the diagnosis first came, had HUGE ups and downs, well...mostly downs. We were DETERMINED, however, not to be a statistic. We have had some really rough spots and even went to counseling for a bit, with the thought always in our mind that WE WILL NOT DIVORCE.
Well we made it - so far - and it is VERY HARD - and many nights we literally do not even get to speak to each other, because of our very high need little guy.
I guess I think if at all possible, work things out! If you have to get counseling, go for it. It can only help, even if you go alone.
I feel deeply for you and hope and pray things can work out, your picture of you ad your ds is so very sweet - I want him to have his daddy and mommy!
Please keep us posted!
Whoops! Sorry, totally spaced out there...anyone know where the statistic comes from?I am separated also, but the problems came along WAY before my kids did. Our kids add stress to our lives, but I think the marriage was ruined long before they came - so I won't really blame them. It just had to get to the point where I couldn't take any more...which was extremely overdue.
I still don't know what to do. It's an extremely difficult decision. My advice is to think about it, long and hard - and be good to yourself. But if you ever are seriously considering divorce - be smart and plan ahead. Make sure of how you and your son will make out.
A big hug to you!! (That IS a great pic, by the way!!)
Patty
Mom to Jeffrey (5) and Erika (3 1/2) both ASD kids.
I found the following press release dated June 12, 2007 from the National Autism Association regarding divorce rates. Apparantly they are doing a survey to see if the 80% rate is accurate.
http://www.nationalautismassociation.org/press061207.php
DH and I have been together for 18 years, and married for 14 of them. Autism has just made us tighter as a team. My DH is a very laid back guy, and having 2 kids on the spectrum doesn't phase him one bit. Because he's so nonchalant about it, there's never really any tension. It's not a perfect marriage, but it works for us.
edited to add: babyboy - I hope you and your DH can work things out. You've been together 12 years with lots of good times. Your ds is still awfully young and this is all still fairly new. Give it some time. I found it harder when the kids were little. As they got older and things with them got better, other things got better too.
I heard the stat at an autism conference - also have heard it from a developmental pediatrician at Denver Childrens - I think autism speaks or NAA uses the 9 out of 10 as well -
even if it is "ONLY" 8 out of 10 it is still soooooo high, with the national average being 4/5 out of 10.
Our lives have changed dramatically. I stress out alot over our son all the time. My husband on the other hand likes to be positive and looks at things in a much better light than I do. I stay at home as well but because of of our sons issues. Yes divorce sounds nice because you would get a break for the days they would be visiting the other parent. However, that would only provide temporary relief as my husband would put it. My husband and I work through how we are going to raise our kids together. The last thing we need is another step parent adding there 2 cents and making it more complicated for the kids. I am blessed as my husband stayed home with our boys for a year. He also has them on Saturdays for most of the day while I attend school. He knows that work is stressful but you can always shut the computer off or put your phone on voicemail to get that needed break. The stay at home parent can not. We can't even go potty in peace.
I also see a very good therapist to get my issues about my son out. It is my time to vent and it really helps. I only do it once a month and it has saved my sanity.
Good luck! There are days that I can do it anymore but a family is what I have always wanted and they count on us to keep it that way.
My husband and I are really on the same page too. I can't imagine life without him, but if we were at odds about everything, I would really consider divorce. As if having a kid with special needs isn't enough.
It sounds like he is stressed about being the sole provider, and I don't nessecarily think he thinks he is more important. It sounds like he feels like a failure. Guys take the diagnosis a lot harder. Maybe try to poen up the conversation next time he brings up you going back to work. Ask, do you really want me to go back to work? Do you think we need more money? Do you think you are missing out on things you'd like to have b/c of money? Are you under a lot of pressure at work?
Don't fire all these questions at once, but maybe see if there is something deeper. My husband asked if I was going to get a job, and he eventually admitted he felt a lot of pressure being the sole provider. After we talked, he neever mentioned it again. I think he just needed to get it off his chest.
Babyboy 2005,