Divorce??? | Autism PDD
Hello All,
It seems that all I read comes from divorced parents. Is this common after a ASD diagnosis? I know that "statistics" say the divorce rate is at 50% but it seems to be very high here. Come on ladies....tell me what is really going on.
Worried Wife.
No, I think you're right Michelle...I heard 80-85%. Sad but true. I think it's just hard to deal with, single, married, dating, whatever. Takes a lot of strength and if you're married/dating...a lot of understanding and patience and working together. Like Kellie, I'm married, in love, and we're in this together too. It's damn stressful sometimes though...you just have to remember that you're on the same team AND to be each other's support.
Kim, I'm sorry, and someone may jump on me for this...but it's not always the best interest to 'stay together for the kids'....it's much better if you can role model what a relationship LOOKS like so that they know what should be acceptable behavior. Know what I mean? You don't want them to settle in relationships, romatic or otherwise...Obviously, not knowing the details...I'm just yapping...
Smiles, lesley
I don't have the best relationship with my DH, but we are determined to stay together for the kids. DH shows bipolar tendencies that I never saw before we were married. Andy is my middle child so we have one younger than him to "force" us to stay together and work our problems out.
I don't know what's going to happen when the youngest leaves home, but that's a long ways down the road.
Kim
My divorce happened before the kids were ever born. And no I didn't divorce their father. Actually I never married their father.
Tammy
Don't worry tmikucki ... divorce isn't inevitable! My husband and I are 100% in love and will never ever ever divorce. We're in this together.
[QUOTE=tmikucki]Worried Wife.[/QUOTE]i thought you posted that you were a first time dad? or are you two people sharing the same account? just curious, it can get confusing. :)
i'm not a divorced parent. i've never been married. i broke up with my daughter's father and moved out of his home when i was three months pregnant.
I agree. If things can be worked out and both partners are willing, then therapy is a great solution. I surely don't mean for a couple to throw in the towel at the first signs of trouble...LOL But if a couple is to the point of verbal abulse, etc toward eachother, the kids are gonna realize it, most likely. If two people are so sick of each other that they resort to verbal (or other) abuse, I say get out while the gettin's good, if you know what I mean.
Oh, and thanks guys!
I met dh on my 15th birthday in Feb of 88. Then, periodically, we would see each other at mutual friends houses, talk a bit, that's it. I didn't realize he liked me! I would call him to get peach shnapps for me!! LOL Well, on his 21st birthday, June of 88, I went to his party and took him some flowers...of course that night we hooked up...(NO not like that...) just started a relationship. 2 weeks into it we were officially engaged. And on August 5, 1988, we were married. A whirlwind relationship. I don't know why to this day my grandpa signed that marraige license. I'm sure glad he did though... But, Heck NO, I would not allow any of my kids to get married so young. Why? Hey, we know we are a one in a million statistic. We have had our good times and our bad times and we managed to work through them all. In fact, we didn't have kids until 10 years of marriage, which IMHO, was the best decision. We had about 8 years of nonstop parties and living wild and carefree. Then, we both started working on our careers so much, we settled down into a nice routine of normalcy. Then the babies came. Ok I will stop rattling on and on now!
luv,
Rachelle
Rachelle,Lucky YOU! DH and I were only married for just over a year before we had Luke. This was our choice, though, be/c we married when while in our 30s and we didn't want to wait too long to start a family. However, we wish SOOO much that we could've been together a lot longer before having kids -- just to travel and enjoy being by ourselves for a while. We don't regret having kids, but we wish we would've met when we were a lot younger.
Kellie
LOL rachelle. Great story! I met dh when he was 7 and I was 9. He was (is) my little brother's best friend since 1st grade. He has been in love w/ me since he was 9, but I hardly gave him the time of day until he was almost 17 lol. I mean we went to b-day parties together, played GI joes, etc. But I didn't really look at him more than friend, I mean he was my dorky little brother's friend :-D
I agree that it is very important to try to work things out if you can. Too many couples just call it quits w/out every even trying. But...I also think staying together JUST for the kids isn't always a good idea. I think it depends on the situation.
W/out going into long details, I have a good friend from way back when we were in 6th grade together. I really think she should get out of her marriage. He cheats on her and even tells her he's going to see the other woman. She just keeps letting him get away w/ anything (he actually wanted her to call me and ask if my dh and I would consider switching partners for a night!!!) and basically to me she's just telling him that she's worthless and he can do whatever he wants to her. It ticks me off so badly because she can do so much better. And what I have tried to get through to her the most is that what her dd sees between her parents is what she is going to grow up looking for.
I mean most children learn love and relationship attributes by seeing how their parents are together and how they treat each other. I think that is very important. I want my children to grow up seeing dh and I doing nice things for each other and being affectionate and communicating. However I did know a couple that admited to me they really weren't in love anymore and almost never had sex or anything, but were able to stay together for the kids and pull it off quite well. They got along like really good friends. They were very kind to each other and still did things together, it just wasn't romantic. I personally couldn't live like that, but to each their own. However if the couple are not happy together, even if they think they are hiding it, the children can sense it. It's just not good in my opinion.
Amber
Maybe this will be helpful for some..... http://www.patientcenters.com/autism/news/stress_family.html
Stresses on Families
The following excerpt is taken from Chapter 10 of Autistic Spectrum Disorders: Understanding the Diagnosis and Getting Help by Mitzi Waltz, copyright 2002 by O'Reilly & Associates, Inc. For book orders/information, call (800) 998-9938. Permission is granted to print and distribute this excerpt for noncommercial use as long as the above source is included. The information in this article is meant to educate and should not be used as an alternative for professional medical care.
- Withdrawal and overinvolvement
- Burnout and respite
- Resentment
- Genetic blame
- Parental neuropsychiatric problems
- Siblings
- Lack of family support
- Community isolation
- Financial problems
- Family therapy
- Separation and divorce
- Single parents
- Multigenerational living
- Noncustodial parents
- Adoption and foster care
Sunny-
Yes, my husband decided to use my account yesterday to post a message. So no I am not a first time dad but second time mom. Dylan's diagnosis is putting a little strain on the relationship. There is Autism in Gary's family. My older son who is turning 7 had no issues. I can see where this can become a problem in my house. I love both my son's equally but the fact that the older one (which is not my husband's son) has no issues and the younger one does creates some tension. I also do not plan on having any more children so needless to say this is very troubling to my husband.
Tamika
I agree with the above statement. I really hate it when people decide to only stay together for the kids. Believe me, kids, disabled or not, pick up the subtle signs that parents don't want to be together anymore. It will eventually do more harm than good, if 2 people really do not love each other and want out. There is also no reason to torture one's self in a meaningless relationship. If 2 people can just be friends and not talk trash about eachother to the kids after the divorce, that would be better than the kids seeing the suffering parents. That can not possibly help an already stressful situation of raising ASD kids.
And to add, my dh and I are about to celebrate our 17th anniversary on the 5th. We are still very much in love and we still hold hands, etc... And as an added bonus, we still have awesome, mindblowing sex. LOL Not nearly as often, mind you, but hey, it's QUALITY NOT QUANTITY!! LOL
I also agree with the staying together for the kids isnt (in my opinion) the best of choices. Kids do pick up on it and blame themselves and then get depressed and think if they werent here mom or dad would be happier because they wouldnt have to stay together.
That's great rachelleh! Ds and I have only been together 6 1/2 yrs, but we hope to be the same as you and your dh are now many yrs from now. We know some couples who are friends to us that have been together for only a few yrs and are already falling out of touch w/ each other. Which is normal to do here and there which is called a "rut." But dh and I still hold hands and go on walks and get each other flowers for no reason and what not. We go way back as friends though because I have known him since he was 7. And yes I agree it's QUALITY! lol
And to add...my parents stayed together for us. Apparently they had been unhappy w/ the marriage since like the 9 yr mark, but didn't divorce until after the 17th year! And I really felt like my whole life had been a lie. I took it very hard at 17 yrs old. They honestly never seemed unhappy! They never argued or anything. All my friends told me I was so lucky because my parents were so happy and still together. I guess it was just all kept in the closet. And honestly, it pissed me off! I would rather have known the truth a long time ago that there were problems so it wouldn't have seemed so sudden and unexpected.
Amber
I heard about the statistic, but where I live I don't see it. Most of the parents that I have met are still married. There is a great support system here so I often wonder if that helps couples stay together.
My DH have been together for 11 yrs and married for 5 yrs. This has brought us closer because it is the first time we both agree on the treatments and methods to raise our daughter
Actually, current research shows that (unless there is abuse, neglect, adultery, or drug addiction)
staying together 'for the kids' is often better for the children than
divorcing. From the kids' point of view, they'd rather see their
parents together and arguing than splitting up the home and not getting
to see one parent (usually the father) on an everyday basis. I'm
sure I'll get jumped on for this, but it's not my opinion only ... I
read the research. 
I know I grew up with parents who didn't want to be together. They wouldnt do anything together (like yard work, house work) no vacations, they wouldn't come to school functions much less did they sit in the same room together to eat a meal or watch TV. They used so much energy up avoiding each other that My dad worked 16 hour days 6 days a week, my mother complained how he never did anything... her anger towards him always working made her question where he really was and caused trust issues. She called him a drunk and claimed he was cheating... (although I think that was just angry words) Dad's avoiding the home left her to raise the kids so her anger carried over towards us. We were worthless, just like our father, couldn't do anything right, nothing made her happy. She was so mad at him and hated him so much, but he wasnt there to yell and scream at (the kids were) and so we got most of it. She was also so miserable and angry she couldn't see us as kids and show us love or affection and didn't do mother kid things... we didnt go to the park, didnt have someone playing catch or kickball etc in the yard... none of it. Now by todays standards you might be able to call that emotional abuse, but 30+ years ago was another story.
As far as what it taught me??? Lets just say I had few friends, didn't care about my grades, I didn't want to be home either, had low self esteem, and I still have problems I face. I know I didnt learn what a good realtionship SHOULD BE either... I wasnt a problem child but lets just say if they only knew what was going on in me, it would have been a different story. I thought about running away (and worse) The day I graduated high school I moved out of the home and took off 800 miles away to another state with an abusive boyfriend...... I just wanted away from it. I know I also feel like it was my fault -
So yeah in my opinion staying together for the kids isnt best. They need to be shown not to give up at the first sign of problems sure... they need to be taught how to work as a team too, but they aloo deserve to be happy and to have 2 parents who are healthy not emotionally wrecked caring for them so they can learn what love is and feel good about themselves.
Well we arent married yet but we planned on getting married before the DX and we still plan on it! We have had a cpl spats about our daughters condition but it never went far we are happy and in love!Anyhow wasn't trying to have a bible discussion here oops. I'm just rambling as what you said made me think of that and I was just discussing it w/ one of my friends recenlty. The one I talked about earlier who's dh is a penis head. Sorry
I think it sounds like you've really tried to work things out, even though it seems to have been a rough and lonely marriage. I hope things go ok for you now. Best of luck and you are in my prayers. Amber OK...I'm gonna post now about my opinion. LOL I think everyone here can be right to a certain extent. Can couples that are not completely happy together stay together for the children and still raise healthy children???? Yes they can...but it is rare. It takes a special kind of couple that both put their children FIRST for this to happen. I'm not talking about abusive relationships either though. I'm talking about couples that for some reason just don't click anymore. These in my opinion are relationships that could be helped with therapy and the love that they share for their children can help them find that love that they once had for each other. These types of couples seem to give up too soon in my opinion and then the children do end up WORSE OFF. THere are a lot of issues in marriage that can be worked out through therapy. An abusive relationship of ANY KIND will hurt the children in the long run. Sadly the children are hurt while still in the relationship AND after it is over. It is always best to get out though if the relationship is abusive because your children can get therapy during the divorce and for years afterward. If they are left in an abusive relationship even with therapy.....the odds of them having long term problems increases dramatically. Michelle...I'm sorry that your mother was this way. It sounds to me though that regardless of whether they stayed together or not she still may have been abusive like this. I know that I was not in the best situation with my first husband and we divorced but I can tell you.....I never took out my anger toward him on my children. Thankfully he never did either. My current marriage is doing well so far. Actually it started out pretty rocky before we had Adam. Nothing major there except my own insecurities that I brought with me into the marriage. I have with therapy learned to deal with these issues and thankfully I have a very understanding and patient husband. I would never be one to say though that my marriage will last forever. You never know what the future holds. We take it one day at a time. I do hope that we are together forever but I never let it escape me that marriage is hard work. Relationships need to be fed and nurtured for them to be successful....even the ones that look to be perfect on the outside. I am so thankful that I found a relationship that CAN be worked on when it's needed. I know that working on something like marriage may to a lot of you seem silly but it's really not. If you love someone enough it becomes second nature to care enough about pleasing each other, communicating each others needs, and sharing your hopes and dreams for your children. I did not have this equality in my first marriage. Sadly my oldest two children have suffered because of mistakes that me and their father made. But I do know that in my situation that I made the right choice by leaving. My oldest two children even though still dealing with divorce issues are better off now in counseling then they would have been if we were still together. Karrie I am a never-married mom. split with ds father during my first trimester. Good thing too. He was beginning to show that he was a bit of a loon. I've learned to build a great support system. Ben will be 7 in September. He does ask question about his paternity, and I answer with just the barest of facts. I find that I am able to make a lot of lifestyle choices(when to go where, etc.) based on what works for us, there are no other kids. I do still love men and wish I had one to cuddle up with from tiime to time, and to teach Ben about healthy manhood. I wouldn't trade my little blessing for all of the spa appointments that I don't get anymore.
Your story was so interesting! I'm glad to hear you beat the statics and it reminded me of my first boyfriend (in the 80's also). We dated at the same age and were going to sneak off and get married but my parents broke us up. I really loved him and he was so good to me but the one I married at 17 (parents signed for him) was pysically abusive and NO LOVE there. Your story makes me wonder how things would have turned out with my sweetheart. Now today and I know my situation is already here. I have been unsure what steps to take with my Hubbie. Divorce is always hard and so final and I have two children with my hubbie. So with the help of the courts I got counseling ordered to see if there was anything that could help my husband and myself before I choose to end all chances of us being a family again. I know this may sound ridiculous to some of you but I am I trying to do what is best for my family and follow christain morals. I have been working so hard at my end and watching my hubbie move on and enjoy his vacation from responsibility. He hasn't offered a dime in suport and dosen't even call to ask about the children wich he is now allowed to do. He shows up for his supervised visits but always is short with me and demands possesions he left behind. I needed a heap voucher signed so I could get cheaper summer special price and he told me not til I get my pool stick (if I waited til next week I miss the special price). I did stand up to him and it's signed but I get so mad that he didn't care enough to just sign and remind me to bring the stick next time I had just forgot. Anyway I am rattling on but I have been so down because I'm seeing that I am in love with and chose to have two children with a selfish man who was never able to love me. I don't think it is healthy for a wife or mother to stay were she isn't loved. Last night I gave him one more chance to call me I even had the case worker tell him it was alright (he keeps saying I want to have him arrested but we tell him that isn't a violation now). When he didn't call to say goodnight to the kids I called him and he was at the bar playing pool with his brother. I asked him to call later and he didn't. I have decided this is the sign I need to DIVORCE him and quit torturing myself. Nelle All of you thanks. Thanks for listening and caring. The advice is good and I need to hear it. And read it and reread it. I feel so badly for ds who ADORES his Daddy. Everything to ds is Mommy and Daddy. Anyway, is it ever possible at some point to work FT again? Right now all I see is sea of appts. Tell me what you do, most of you great moms home FT? work pt/ft???? I can't imagine right now working more then I do. M-F evenings Holly, Rachelle is right.... pretty much any of us will listen if you want to talk openly or privately. Your husband may be thinking hes going to take the easy road but does he plan on having visits with his kid(s)? He will have to know how to handle your son and care for him. I would make sure you have in your court papers he has to help pay the day care expenses for a special needs child (some day care centers wont take them and you have to hire someone specially trained) I would see what the dr or therapists recommend as far as his treatments / therapies and if they are extensive make sure he has to be a supplemental amount of alimony / child support too because you would be unable to work full time due to your childs needs. Make sure you think ahead as far as the fathers need for minimal contact with your child so there isnt problems of him not knowing his father to go for a visit or the sudden changes he will resist... also make sure there is something ordered for the father to have to be in contact with the schools and drs or therapists regarding your sons care so he knows what to do and how to care for him and keep the consistency during visits. I know you say you still love him and thats your choice. As Rachelle said counseling is an option for many... He may think hes going for the sweet life now but once a cheater always a cheater so this new girlfriend may make it habit to wreck a marriage and then cheat on the person she was cheating with.... also your husband may be forgetting his obligation of support doesnt stop by walking away. How does it affect our kids to be bounced from home to home? Seeing the parent with their new "love". That can't be good. My ds father is planning on leaving soon to be with someone (who iscurrently married) else with 3 "nice normal" children. A women that can work FT. ????? (((Holly & Nelle & anyone going through a hard time right now)))) I've been w/ dh for 13 years, brought up his two children as my own for 12 1/2 of those years when we moved in and got them full time..we were legally married 6 years ago, and oh I've had my moments w/ thoughts of running for the hills...w/ Nicholas w/ me of course LOL, many times, BUT I do love that man...may want to kick his butt occassioanlly but I've come to realize being together w/ him is better for me, for him and for our children...we'd be lost w/out each other...communcation is key for us, before I'd keep it all inside and now I'm learning how to tell him when he's irking the sh*t outta me...excuse my language LOL..he alway was able to speak his mind alittle too much actually, that was half the problem, but w/ age and time we are learning that there is lots of love left after those heartpounding days when you couldn't wait to wake up to be w/ each other are replaced w/ "coffee? mmmm sounds good!" LOL...hey that's life, we have a few heartpounding moments occassionally, and he's the best dad I could wish for and basically we learn to take the good w/ the bad...BUT if he was cruel to me and my children or selfish or abusive, I'd be gone for good...amen, hard as it would be I feel I would need my self esteem to survive and especially w/ our kids...we need to stay strong and not be beat down by negative forces. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope you all find strength in your decisions and situations. and now...I am stepping off my soap box LOL hugs, Ali Thanks Ali. I am very envious of you and your dh. Sad but true I love my big lug. He is leaving us because "she" works FT, she has no financially difficulties (as we do), basically he wants her life not ours. She buys him new clothes and not WalMart ones! She keeps him in Nike sneakers etc.... Her 3 kids are "normal" play sports etc..... Not that he has met them (she is still married and living with the hubby & kids). She has the new cars, nice house, gets the nail done etc...... He boiled it down to I get a FT job or he leaves. If I get a FT job now my son would no longer be eligible for his state funded ins that has been paying for all the private ST etc...... We can not afford to pay for it and dh ins does not pay for any of it. I do work M-F evenings which covers food/car ins/co pays/gas/ds ever growing feet etc..... And my days spent running ds appt to appt. Once ds gets placed in a preschool thru the IU I will be able to FT (I think?????) Just venting........ Holly, You deserve so much better than this. I'm sorry that he is using the lame excuse of you not working full time to reason with himself for wanting to leave for this other woman. Maybe he needs to be taken off that pedistal that he has put himself on. I mean....obviously this woman is not that "all about him". If she was then she wouldn't be still living with her husband. I'm sorry.....I couldn't help myself here...Your story just makes me so angry that he is doing this to you and your family. You hang in there. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime. Take care, Karrie Ahhh geez! Now I am plain old jealous! That's wonderful, give him a big old hug from me and does he have a brother?
I love dh with my whole heart. Thought he was best thing since apple pie. Gave him my heart, my soul and every penny I ever had! Well that has come back to bite me in the @$$! Oh Holly! I'm sorry you have to go through this! It sounds like your hubby is going through mid life crisis. He says to you to get a FT job or he's out. That is a lame ass excuse. He KNOWS you can't get a FT job and you won't jeopardize your child's funding for it. So this is his easy way out. He puts it off on you so he feels less guilty. He thinks he wants the "easy life" with this other girl. Well, you know what? Let him have it. Soon he will see that she has no intention of leaving her husband for him, that he's just a booty call she can dress up. He will then know how it feels to be shat upon and you can say a big ole' I TOLD YOU SO! Once that happens, there are a few choices you have: 1. Take him back and make sure he and you get some serious counciling. Work through these things so they don't come back to haunt you. 2. Tell him to hit the road and find someone else; you are done with him all together. 3. Tell him your relationship as a couple is over, BUT you wish to remain friends for the good of your child and work out solutions to visitation and financial responsibillity. This is just my take on it, I am only going by what I am reading here, so if I am way off base, I'm truly sorry. Remember we are all here for you and you can PM just about any of us anytime. luv, Rachelle Wow, This was not the response I expected. Holly your man will so get what he deserves. What a jerk. I didn't realize so many of the moms here did not work. I am a full time working mother and it is hard as hell. My older son goes to school not far from where I work but with juggling therapist (ABA, Speech, OT,PT) and his appointments, some days I work from home. You could possibly look for a job that allows you to telecommute a few days a week. They are out there. Not getting a job for that jerk but for yourself when your son starts school. Just a thought. Thank for all the input. Tamika I don't know how you do it! I hope to find a job that I can work from home. Between running ds to appts I also have my elderly parents to look after. Neither drive anymore. Somedays it is a juggling act to get everyone to where they need to be and me to work in the evening. But it somehow always works out. I agree dh will get his day. Just wish I could fast forward my life a bit. Once ds is settled into a program/preschool I know things will get better. I am afraid that ds is going to have a hard time going back and forth between us when that times comes. I wonder if he will regress or what? WELL I was with my ds daddy for 4yrs. before he was born and we had a house wen I was 3months pregnant.NOW I have his house.lol..we broke up in oct02 when CHRISTIAN just started early int. inhome services.He the SPERMDONOR was getting into drugs off n on when son was only a year n half old.So i kicked him to the curb.He was at the development ped. in MAY 03 THE DAY HE WAS dx'D AND THEN FEW WKS LATER AT THE ADOS TESTING he then realized something was wrong with our son (HIS SON) after that he downspiraled into a ugly world of drug abuse, he still to this day cant get it straight if there is a problem really w/son or its b/c of our breakup, we technically together for 8yrs.total.Some days I wish it was different and if son wasnt ever havin AUTISM or problems would we have worked out..but thats neither here nor there.I dont dwell on it anymre.I do it all alone and AM A PROUD SINGLE MOM TO MY AUTISTIC CHILD b/c I get every bit of help thats out there for my son,whether daddys involved or not.98% IM THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER.But I did see SPERMDONOR GO DOWN HILL INTO DRUGS AFTER CHRISTIANS DX.GEE, WHAT AN EXCUSE..NOT!!!!!!!! BREAKUPS OR DIVORCE IS ALL SAME TO ME..BUT IM GLAD I DIDNT MARRY HIM.
What an awful situation your man put you in! I feel so bad for
you and for all the women on here struggling with bad
relationships. As if it's not hard enough dealing with a special
needs kid, I can't imagine the emotional burden of having to try to
handle either a loveless marriage, a selfish spouse, or
whathaveyou! Sounds like your hubby, Holly, wants a mother, not a
wife! (Someone to buy his clothing, etc.) I wish you and
everyone else ... single moms and non-single lonely moms ... and even
we wedded and happy moms (and dads!) ... all the strength in the
world. Good luck with your decision. It's a toughie. :/
Kellie
wonderful years, and have always approached everything as a team,
including providing our children with every opportunity available to them.
DH has worked at home since 1996 so that I could continue to persue my
career while someone would always be available to take Connor to
doctors appts, sports, etc. When Connor was diagnosed HFA in 2001,
DH's responsibilities increased ten-fold, and he has never once
complained. He squeezes in as much work on a daily basis as possible,
never misses a deadline, is always available to tend to a sick kid, takes
Connor to whatever appointment he may have, occasionly cooks dinner,
almost always washes the dishes, and even finds time to rub my feet at
the end of the night. I always marvel when I get home at night with DD in
tow, and he always finds time to play with her, take her outside to look
for bugs or give her a bath. He's the best, and I just love his guts out!
that there are a few good ones out there. Hang in there, baby!
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