First time dad.....am i in denial??? | Autism PDD

I heard a lady talk once about the grieving process and how we go thru that when our kids are diagnosed.  It can affect us like a death. 

My son is older - a teen now and he has developed an interest in disney and the people who do the voices.  In fact he watches the credits of every movie and recalls mostly the names of the voices - which he loves to talk about.  Mine is dx as "autism" now instead of pddnos as he was earlier.  he does seem to have some similarities to aspergers in that he has a particular interest and can talk about that interest in detail.  (knows years movies weremade - when disney died as well as many "voice" people.  oddly several died this year.  He knows which movies disney saw and which he didn't and etc etc.) 

My dh has been able to be involved with this son by getting "into" what our son likes - disney movies.  My husband learns the names and my son imitates the voices - which is really fun.  He does Capt. Hook and it sounds so like the movie! Hans COnreid did that voice I think.  lol  and they talk about the timeframe of movies etc.  Other than that it's not much of a two way relationship. 

Our son has made video covers of his own and taped off a movie for a gift for dh once and made the cover.  That was saying a huge gift in our son's eyes!

We have lots of other dks - all of whom are nt so to speak - supposedly anyway. Sometimes I wonder when I see  some of the things they do! lol They've helped introduce our son to lots of things and since there have been lots of little kids here over the years there is always someone who wants to watch a disney movie! :)

IT's difficult at first - but you'll see your son and his own unique gifts as time goes on. 

 

http://www.cafepress.com/yellowpuzzle

 

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your son Dylan.  I am currently going through the very same thing with my son Joshua (also 2) who was diagnosed with severe autism about 5 months ago.  All the emotions and questions you have expressed have gone through my head too.  I'm not going to sit here and write you that everything will be fine, because I don't know that, anymore than I know that for my own son.  I hope and pray for a full recovery, and in many ways I live in that expectation, but there are times, I must admit, especially when he is having a regression or an autistic breakdown, that I begin to despair.  What I do know, however, is that God is in control and that He hears you when no one else can.  Please know that I also will pray for you.

Dylan and Joshua are precious little boys who need a father's unconditional love.  I know that I'm not even close to perfect in that regard, but I am learning about pure true love in a way I never knew it before.  I love Joshua because he is my son--nothing else.  I know you must love Dylan in the same way.  This is one lesson many people never really learn.  Hopefuly this will draw you closer together with your wife as well.

On a note of hope: there is so much we can do for our sons right now, so hold on to that hope, be thankful you caught him early, and pursue therapy.  Again, I will pray for your son's full recovery.  God bless.

Glenn

   Hello Gary, I know what your feeling my husband went through a rough period too. He wanted what society calls a normal son and we got a son with a very different plan, but the wonderful thing is after the shock wears off you will see a new normal it's a rough road but your son will give you more of a insite to what patience, quality time and strength are and trust me god gave you a gift. Our son Ryan is now 8 and I can't imagine him any more wonderful than he is. Go through your feelings and don't be afraid to be hurt or confused as why is my son this way and come out with a better understanding of he is because god saw fit for him and me to have a different but wonderful path. It is hard but you'll love more than you ever thought you would and you'll be more sympathetic to the challenges others have to face, I have found that anyway.  This forum let me know I was not alone like I felt I was and we all have thought the same thoughts.  Lot's of hope and lot's of prayers,     Tracie

Welcome,

It is nice to have you as a dad join us and get your input too!  Don't despair, it will get easier, don't give up hope for all the dreams you have for you and your son, just realize they may come slower or in different ways...you'll still have and share many many precious moments together and even if he doesn't say daddy! or not for a while anyway, you'll know he's crazy about you in his own way...you'll learn his language whle he's learning yours...for all the tears there will be joys...this I certain of, have faith! : )  And you aren't in denial, you are accepting it and that's the first step and the hardest too...

My dear son Nicholas is now 4 1/2 becoming more verbal and actually potty trained just recently(woo hoo! lol), he was dx w/ pdd/nos at 29 mths and it was probably the worst time of my life, my heart just broke, my fears were skyrocketting, and my husband was in denial...not a good time for any of us...like you I awaited being a parent w/ such joy...this was what I'd wanted my whole life, I was wonderful w/ kids and brought up two step children, who I love so much w/ my husband and we waited until they were older so they wouldn't feel threatened and all the wonderful things we would do as a family together...this was going to be just perfect! 

Well I'll skip a lot here, but what began as this heartbreaking journey has turned into such an eye opening experience that has taught us to appreciate every day, this little boy has taught us all so much, has brought out so much love in all of us we didn't know we had so much! lol...My dh finally accepted, poor dear, he felt like you did and felt so helpless he couldn't "fix" things that he denied it was happening and issisted that it was all in my head, and realized that okay, Nicholas may not talk now, may not go to a regular school now, but he loved to wrestle w/ daddy and he loved to be pushed on the swing and he loved music and being silly...and we went from there, he is now on board and we are a team and between us and EI, S/t, o/t, school w/ ABA our little man is progressing really well.  He says many things, and every day its something new, its adorable to hear him yell at me to "com'on!" when he wants something quicker than I'm doing it...I know I should repremand, but its so good to hear him say things I wanna laugh I swear!  He even started playing Tball and is a hell of a hitter LOL...so best to you and yours, there is always hope and even though I still have a hard time at times, I tend to focus on the now and not the future...its easier on so many different levels, and really who can forsee the future even for NT kids right?  We can only do the best we can for them and love them unconditionally...You're on the right track!!!

You take care and glad to meet you!!

Ali

Gary,

First of all welcome to the board.  I have a 3 year old son with Autism.  I think a lot of us felt and do feel the way you are describing, especially right after getting a diagnosis.  I try and focus on early intervention and that helps.  I've learned that with Adam being my 3rd child that little accomplishments that he makes are HUGE compared to my other two.  It's exciting to see him grow and improve on everything.  It also makes me appreciate everything that he does.  Your right when you say that we don't know the answers to all the questions. No one does.  I look to the positive and think....Well if we don't know the answers then that means that there is hope.  If the answers were there already for instance if they told me my son would never talk, walk, or do anything constructive in society then I would probably just accept it.  Because there are no clear answers to my son's future it makes me work that much harder to help him out of the possibility that he just might one day be more than I could ever imagine.  Thoughts like that keep me fighting for my son.  I just keep thinking that as long as I do what I can to help him  he will be ok regardless of where he is in society 20 years from now.  Take care and again....Welcome!!

Karrie

Hi Gary welcome to the board. You will find it very helpful and supportive. I know I have.

I have a 2 yr old son that is in the process of being diagnosed. He has already been in speech therapy and now has said daddy and even mama, which were words he had once said for awhile but were "lost" back when he was about 16 mths or so.

Everything probably seems very overwhelming right now. But there is life after asd. I've seen it on here, and I've seen it w/ my step brother. He is 25 and has asd. You would almost never know it. He is quirky (only talks about his obsession of dvd's and has photographic memory so he can recall any line from almost any movie). He prefers to not be social and is in his room almost all the time. But...if I am there and he comes out of his room he will say hi and talk to me and even has pretty good eye contact. He stil has meltdowns sometimes. But he has a loving relationship w/ his mother. He graduated from highschool and has had a job at a pizza place before.

Your child can still do great things and have a relationship w/ you. I don't know the severity of the autism they dx'd him w/, but w/ therapy anything is possible. He'll just need a little extra help doing and learning things than most children. It's a disability like blindness or being wheelchaired or deaf. He can still live a wonderful full life. Best wishes and look forward to chatting w/ you further.

Amber

Welcome!  Your son will give you many joys throughout life. Stop and enjoy them all!  It's nice to hear from a Dad!

 

 

Hello Gary.

I know exactly how you feel right now. I felt so much grief when I realized my son was on the spectrum. I was mourning like someone had died. Once as I was putting groceries in my car I looked at Noah's empty car seat and just broke down crying like he was gone. I was angry at God, I searched for reasons why this happened, I took the blame on myself. Those were some very dark months for me and it didn't help that I was pregnant with my second child when I first noticed that something was wrong and that it could possibly be autism. I had many sleepless nights where I would lie awake crying because all the plans I had for him and the person I dreamed he would be was just shattered.  But then as time has passed the sun has started to shine again and I've come to realize that he is still the same person I've always loved and always will. I'm not going to change any plans I had for him such as music lessons and sports and we are still saving for college. He is going to be fine, he's just wired a little differently. Today we took him to the playground and even though he played a little differently than the other kids he still had a blast and that's all that matters to me.

Dylan is very fortunate to have a daddy who loves him so much. Good luck and take care.

When Jeffrey was diagnosed I was still going thru a grieving process from a child that had died.  And I was also pregnant with Gabe.  So I was on automatic pilot.  Now his neuro did say that Jeffrey would probably learn to read before he learned to talk and that she doubted he would ever talk.  Well now I can't shut him up at times, lol.  So with early intervention, anything is possible.  And never give up hope.  And learn to take each day at a time.

Tammy

Gary,

(((HUGS))).  I am sorry that you and your family are going through this.  We have all been there.  Like the previous posters said, Autism is a spectrum disorder and varies from child to child.  The key is to identify and start intervention early.  He is only 2 yrs old.

We have a daughter who we learned had the red flags for Autism when she was 2.5 yrs.  She turned 3 last month and has officially been diagnosed w/ Autism.  Now when most people look at her, they generally can't tell she is on the spectrum because she can communicate her needs and is social to anyone who has something of interest to her.  We still have a lot of work to do, but she has been making good progress.  When she was 2.5 yrs, she was basically non-verbal.  She could not communicate her needs, although she could verbally identify objects and had a pretty large vocabulary.  She didn't call my DH "Daddy" until she was almost 3 yrs old...after months of working w/ a speech and language pathologist.

So don't feel sad.  You have a beatiful little boy and he was put in your care for a reason...because yoo love him and will do everything in your power to provide him with all that he needs.  Look at what he CAN do, not what he can't. 

My DH and I often giggle that we were blessed w/ our hyperactive autistic daugter because our life was not exciting enough.  Our daughter has forced us to be passionate and devoted to something.  She has forced us to enjoy life and live for the moment...we take it one day at a time.

See if you can't find a support group in your area.  It is always good to met other parents who have been there and done that and those who are right were you are.  You can get a lot of info re: the different services in your area and perceptions on different interventions.

Welcome to the board.

 

Hi Gary,

I have not been to this forum in awhile. Welcome. I feel your pain. My son is going to be 4 next month. I must say he has come a long way. Since you are starting your son early like we did, he will make strides. It depends on so many factors. If he is high end or low end in the spectrum. I have seen my son go from saying bye and hi to now speaking and telling me his wants and needs. It is a long road that does not end there are bumps and then there are days were you feel things are going in the right direction and then you hit another bump in the road. As time goes by you will learn how to raise your child alittle different from your tipical child, but for all of us it is the norm. I wish you and your family all the best. No promises can be made, but he is getting help and that is the best thing we can all do for our children and our selves.

 

Gary, it's always to great to see a post from a father.  So many of them just let the mom's do all the tough stuff and are not vocal (or post) their wishes, want's and concerns.  Your son is one step ahead and lucky for you to be in his life!   Cry and scream a little, let off some steam, it helps, but then like the others have posted, every child is different and they all have great moments.  At 2 yrs. my son was very unemotional and couldn't care less as long as he was clean, fed, and was left alone to do as he pleased.  He didn't say, mommy, daddy, nothing of importance, no emotional bond, no trust in us.  Tantrums constantly, (melt downs) very small vocabulary, and we were told he was deaf, retarded and we were in for a ton of disabilities by his doctor.  We finally had him properly diagnosed last Nov. so our diagnosis is fairly new to us also.  It was just a couple of weeks before his 3rd birthday.  I've had ton's of guilt because he was born with birthdefects Zach was an unplanned pregnancy, and I'm type 1 diabetic and have Graves disease.  He has Chordee (surgically fixed & a skin graft), Hypoplastic heart, Rt. ventricle is large and Lft. ventricle is small, hearing loss from birth, tubes placed at 4 mo. old, brain bleed at 2 mo., pink diaper syndrome (kidneys), breathing probs. (asthma, shortness of breath, low o2), juandice, we spent his first year in and out of the hospital.  6 mo. after his diagnosis, ton's of therapy, a lot more patience on my part and dh's, dh off of work for 6 mo. and home helping with this(laid off) play groups, and swimming lessons (parent tot), just playing with him and working with him in general, he is now a happy 3 1/2 yr old, that will laugh and giggle, says mom, dad, sis, eat, no, hugs, and just reciently gives kissies!  They are rare hugs and kisses but they are great!  He is NOT deaf, actually very little hearing loss, his tubes must have worked.  He tunes us out we found out and he's very good at it.  He has some savont ablilities, and we didn't discover them until dh was off of work in January and we hooked up our video game system to sit and play on cold days.  Zachary can play video games and much, much better than most adults!  Dh and Zach can sit and play for hrs. and I've encouraged dh to talk to Zach during this time and about the game.  So I will hear "all right, I got it, OH NO!" and so on.  We have also discovered Zach has great hand eye coordanation and can hit a ball like crazy, great balance, he swings from the monkey bars with no fear.  So don't think those days of sports are not going to be there, you just never know! 

Ok, I've rambeled long enough.  LOL, but I'm sure you are getting the picture, that even though kids with Autism have a rough road, you appreciate the getting there and the small steps.  Love your son for who he is and what he CAN do not what he can't.  In NT children we don't look at what they can't do so we should treat our spectrum kids the same.  I learned this the hard way with my epileptic daughter.  Yes my hands are full but so is my heart! 

 

Gary

Hi Gary Welcome to the board, .......... The autism dx hit many of us in the way you describe. Unfortunately there are no clear answers to your questions. Each child on the spectrum is unique and will learn differently than the next child. But with alot of love, patients, and consistency as well as all the therapies and Early Intervention services you can get your child will have the best chances at being able to overcome many of the daily struggles and challenges he faces. Soem kids on the spectrum are able to progress well enough that they become indistinguishable (to the untrained eye) from their peers.  Hang in there! I hope you will find as much support here in the board as so many others have!

Hi Gary and welcome to the board.  I'm sure we all can empathize with how you're feeling.  Our son Luke is 2 as well and we always thought everything you thought about what it would be like to have a son ... and were completely sideswiped when we got this diagnosis.  That was about 3 months ago.  Luke still doesn't say many words (consistently, just Mama, Dada, yeah, and nununu [for 'no']), but he communicates pretty well.  Especially better since we've begun therapy -- and we've been told by all his therapists that he WILL talk, it's just a matter of when (which no one can tell us).  It's a long road ahead and of course no one can give you any guarantees.  It's extremely important to get your son involved in THERAPY a.s.a.p. -- speech, OT and PT (if he needs it).  Some people swear by applied behavioral analysis (we're looking into beginning that ourselves for our son), but it's very expensive, not covered by insurance, time consuming and, again, no guarantees.  Of course, I don't know how involved your child is, but for now it'd be too pessimistic for you to give up dreaming of your son playing sports, excelling in school, and being sociable, etc.  He's only TWO!   Where there's Life, there's Hope ... you sound like you love your son very much.  He already has a head start with parents who love him and support him.  There's no telling what happy surprises God has in store for you all.  Hang in there and keep us posted with his progress!

Kellie

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