Just wondering: Using the "R" word? | Autism PDD
I know exactly what Matty's talking about, that was something that was done on the playground while I was growing up. I grew up in a family that was not sensitive to anyone else, african americans were n*****, asian people were p**** monkeys, persons with disabilities were r******, despite my mom's only brother being a homosequal gay persons were qu*** and f***and anyone with a child who was unwed was a wh*** (any of those words still make my stomach churn.) God only knows how I ended up as I did (I'm dating a guy who is Jewish, one of my best friends is asian and a lesbian, and I work with and am going to school to further my knowledge in working with children with special needs.)
I have tried very hard my entire life to avoid all of those ters, and I have done so more or less successfully. When those terms are used around me, I've made it very clear to whoever's using them that that's unacceptable. I realize that some think that these terms are not on the same page as the 'r-word', but they are. Each is a derogatory term referring to a group of people, and I do view the 'r-word', as just as disgusting as the others.
*stepping off of her soapbox*
Jess
My sister has down syndrome. It hurt her feelings when people would say she was a "retard." It hurt my feelings growing up to hear people saying to their friends, "uh, your such a retard," because in essence, they were saying you are so stupid like retarded people. There is no cenesorship about saying hurtful things about eachother. People actually can say pretty much whatever they want in this country. I guess it is just up to us as parents to decide what is appropriate and acceptable and I think anything that is hurtful due to a history of being used in an offensive and hurtful manner to any group of people is something I would want to stand up and say, "I don't like it." I think that is my responsibility as a parent and role model to my children. It's not a matter of saying people can't say it, it's a matter of not condoning things that are understandably hurtful to others. And even if it's used in a non agressive way, it is still using a label that describes a group of people to describe something in a negative way. I'm betting many of us would not appreciate it if it became common place for everyone to use the phrase "what an autistic" or "how autustic" to describe something they thought was strange, stupid, or unusual.I hear the phrase " emotionally retarded" or "socially retarded" from my mom and though I understand the meaning completely it stills rubs me raw.
I truly try not to now, but it is in such common usage I think I still do occasionally. I do use a lot of profanity and non-PC language IRL -- bad habits that are hard to overcome. It used to be funny. Now I hear those words from kids' mouths, and absolutely CRINGE.
[QUOTE=jdecina]
My sister has down syndrome. It hurt her feelings when people would say she was a "retard." It hurt my feelings growing up to hear people saying to their friends, "uh, your such a retard," because in essence, they were saying you are so stupid like retarded people. [/QUOTE]
There's a mum in my boy's school who is basically a live-in mum at the school coz she'll spend A LOT of TIME during her son's break time or in between while waiting. Without realizing it, she has "prided" herself as the know-it-all mum.
So when it comes to describing my son's autism to other mums, she'll say something like this... " There...like Down Syndrome...". So shallow is her understanding on autism!!! And this is the same mum who will "announce" his boys exam grades to us..."Oh, my boy got 100 for English, 98 for Maths..." etc.
It hurts...the "R" word is so synonymous with Down Syndrome and you can see the hurt jdecina felt... what more if it is ever used to describe our own kids.
retarded and I have friends whose kid has down syndrome. I get very
offended when someone uses the 'R' word as a put down. I will not allow
it in my house and I do speak up. I will usually let them know that they
are talking about friends of mine.
Any term that discribes a minority and is used as a put down is offensive.
That has nothing to do with political correctness or cencorship. Anyone
using it just lets their ignorance show.Case in point -
THIS was on PerezHilton.com, which I used to visit just because it is cheaper than picking up an Enquirer or US Weekly LOL but it gives me a fix of celebrity gossip. After he posted this a few days ago I decided not to visit the site anymore because I was so upset. DISCLAIMER: I only post this to illustrate how loosely such things are being used, in this case it is the word "Autistic" so please do not click if you will be too sensitive to such an insult. I just wanted to show everyone this because I am not ever going to his site again! I know he gets money with each visitor and I am not going to support that anymore:
http://perezhilton.com/?p=546
I absolutely think parents should punish their kids for using the word and strongly discourage its use...kids can be so cruel. But so can adults, for that matter. =(
I know it was used around my Oldest ,(Spina bifida,Probable AS),he was not MR,and it was hard to deal with.
Linda
I can agree with the original post here...I've said that word at times too, and not at all directed at someone else, just like "Oh, I'm such a retard". But I have also been more aware of myself doing it lately and am going to make a conscious effort not to do it anymore. I imagine you'd hear it a lot more in Boston too....I remember the SNL skit about the Red Sox fans and they were constantly calling each other that. Not quite as funny when you realize how many feelings that word can hurt.Words have power. But people give them power and meaning and associations...
I grew up in Philadelphia. Calling people names, or any of the ***** slurs in the post above was not allowed or even contemplated in our home growing up. My father was adamantly opposed and even spoke out at other's homes...However the "R" word, although not allowed in our house, was used alot by the kids in the neighborhood, including us, I'm sorry to say. But I somehow knew that that wasn't right or nice and I don't remember uttering that word since elementary school.
Flash to the present...I don't hear the "R" word used by kids nearly as much as I did growing up. Of course, I now live in a different city/state. But when referring to MR, I say MR or "Mental Retardation" in the context of my application for the ECDC Waiver and MR Waiver here in VA, for example...Or in discussions with other Special Needs Parents regarding various tests, services, etc. For example, "My son has classic autism. We believe he is high functioning. He may not qualify for the Mental Retardation or MR LTC Medicaid waiver because that requires a certain IQ range. Andrew cannot take an IQ test, so here in VA, it is difficult to get services under this waiver. But because he is less than 6 years old, we were approved for services under the EDCD Waiver. At some point in time after age 6, however, it must be determined whether or not he has mental retardation..."
Early intervention falls under MHMR in Virginia, and no one seems happy with how VA has named all of its programs, but hopefully these program names will evolve along with everything else!
I haven't used that word and it's not a word kids around here use. I usually hear things like "That's so stupid" or "You're so stupid." I never hear "retarded."
My DH's favorite word is IDIOT. You especially hear him use it when driving... "IDIOT!" or "What an idiot!". I have no problem with him using it in front of the kids. It's much better than the words we used before the kids came along.
I'm going to attempt to copy a really great link from you tube on the subject by a high school senior
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoqaN...related&search
I don't use that word in that context. I may occasionally have the mouth of a 'truck driver'- but growing up with a parent who was hard of hearing- I was pretty conscience of people who had any kind of needs- and didn't say that word like that....
Now, again....Gail and 'mouth of truck driver' comes to mind......i gotta stop that!!!
Gail
[QUOTE=WIMomOf2]I haven't used that word and it's not a word kids around here use. I usually hear things like "That's so stupid" or "You're so stupid." I never hear "retarded."
My DH's favorite word is IDIOT. You especially hear him use it when driving... "IDIOT!" or "What an idiot!". I have no problem with him using it in front of the kids. It's much better than the words we used before the kids came along. 
Same here.. I typically use "I'm so stupid." when I do something I view as stupid. Or if it's the case of another person, "This person is such an idiot!" But my sister used to be a grammar queen, so if you didn't use the exact appropriate word, she'd correct you and explain why (from a very young age).. And of course we all know "retard" means "slow." So idiot is more appropriate since it means "senseless" or "foolish."
If you have ever been to Boston, you will here in every other sentence. I bet I have used it 1 or twice in the past few years as an adult, but hear it daily here in Boston.
Here in Vermont- since I am a "flatlander" or "transplant"(what they call us from out of state that moved here)-
in our house, we call the people that aren't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawers around here 'WOODCHUCKS"......
just had to add that.
I never use that word and I would never, ever allow my children to use it either. If someone else says it I just very politely say, "sorry to be a pain, but that word really bothers me, it would be great if you wouldn't say that around us." I never try to embarrass the person but it is my opinion that not saying anything is saying it is OK. If people really stopped to think how offensive it is, to be used in the way that it is used, you might not hear it as often. I even have heard teachers say "I'm such a retard" I think that is so sad. I look at it like, if someone was using a blatently offensive word about someone's race or religion I would never just smile and nod. I don't think those that have tested as slower learners deserve any less respect.I agree that it is best to stop using the "R" word as a common day slang expression. I taught students with the TMH and EMH label for many years and the word does hurt. Personally, I feel that there's more to a word than it's definition. To me, it's the CONTEXT in which it's used that determines how I react to it. I would never, ever want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I feel that the "politically correct" thing has become another thinly-veiled attempt at censorship...and that scares me. The "R-word" is not the only word people are trying to "phase out" and I wonder: where will it end? Granted, it's an ugly word whether you're mentally handicapped or not, but not everything in the world is meant to be beautiful. If you are calling ANYONE by that word, you deserve whatever's coming to ya, but if it's used in a non-aggressive manner to describe an event, thing, or opinion, I see no real harm. In the old days, people said whatever they wanted, often to the detriment of others, and you just dealt with it, but nowadays, you can't say ANYTHING for fear of being labeled homophobic, racist, sexist, misogynistic, or some other hideous, disgraceful thing...and it's getting out of hand. That's just myMy sisters and I will sometimes say "That's retarded" and roll our eyes. Or I will do something embarrassing by accident, being the klutz that I am, and say out loud "I'm so retarded" if there is someone who saw me do it or whatever.
Well anyway lately the R word has been really bothering me. Almost to the point where I have said something to friends & family, but I bite my tongue because once again I will be on my soapbox about something and I know people are sick of hearing about my feelings. I don't use it very much anymore, but every once in a while I will catch myself doing it. Now, my son is not technically Mentally Retarded/ handicapped in THAT way. But he has been called the "R" word by mean kids at the playground
(by the way I ripped those kids a new one and they took off running!)So I don't want it to be used by myself or other people we are around anymore. Do you guys think I am overreacting? How should I approach the subject with people we are around without making them annoyed or feel bad if they say it thinking it is OK to say around us?
I have two sons who are MR, and my own niece has repeatedly used that word as a putdown. I have said, "You know, your cousins are mentally retarded, and I would appreciate if you stopped saying that." To which she said, "They aren't retarded!" Umm, yes, they actually are. So, she has been "trying" to stop saying it. I don't have any problem with the use of the word retarded in the clinical sense, but it is hurtful when people use it as a putdown. I also hate when people say, "Are you deaf?!" And "That's so lame!"
I copied this post that I wrote last years on this topic and there is a whole lot of info in that thread.My late eldest brother was a victim of an incompetent medical staff decision at his birth resulting in him becoming profoundly mentally retarded. This was his clinical diagnosis from his birth in 1946 to his death in 2005. The is no shame or stigma when it is used to refer to the medical condition of Donnie.
Our children on the other hand have an ASD which may or may not contain mental retardation as a component.
Using any clinical term without the benefit of the knowledge of what it actually means is flat out wrong. I haven't experienced this personally about my son yet but he is only 5 so I got a long road out in front of me still. I guarantee that I will feel like Brent if I ever encounter some little SOB refering to my son as retarded or some other derogitory term.
We enrolled him in a preschool gymnastics class. When my wife signed him up they made a big deal about his PDD/NOS. His TSS must be here for Ty to be in this class we were told and my wife said, "No, I will be here". The first class went really well. Tyler loved the activity and the two teachers were cool and had no problems with him. After the class my wife thanked them and told them that his PDD wasn't too much of an issue and both teachers said, "Tyler is autistic?, his name tag isn't written in blue". Apparently this is a code at this gym to enable the staff to see if they may have a problem with a child and how to react to one. Well my wife said that since when they signed up that his ASD was a big deal to the staff member that signed him up, would they handle Ty any differently now that they know what he's like? They said that he is just like any other 5 year old in the class, but stronger.
My step kids use the word R and I do not like it. They are told we do not use that word here. Thier mother oks it at her house. When I was growing up we did not use that word either.
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