does your child have empathy? | Autism PDD

Last night my son was having some behavior ,saying things like your not a good Mommy and I hate you,we are working on this verbal stuff but it is a long road

This is so scary ,will he develop Empathy???,can you teach it?.He has always been like this.

Linda

Empathy is not like, there or not  there.  It is something that develops as kids mature.  NT kids  too.  Obviously some kids develop it earlier, others, later.

When T was 4 we were told to put my mom in a nursing home.  I cried and cried (she ended up going into Assisted Living TWO yrs later).  T thought I was laughing, and laughed at me.  I was horrified.  But, she was just not mature enough to comprehend that I was upset at the time.

Don't panic.  You can build his skills and relationship potential.

Please remember that our kids don't always react to things in appropriate manners. They don't know HOW to react so they may do something like laugh. My little guy has a LOT of empathy and will often do very appropriate things like go get someone a kleenex when they are crying. That is probably a learned behavior, but he has been able to transfer it to different situations. However, he has laughed inappropriately when I have gotten hurt or he has hurt his sister. These are the situations I am most likely to lose my cool with him and yell. I'm working on it though! My first reaction is to yell and then I usually immediately say I'm sorry I yelled and then explain to him exactly why what he did was inappropriate. I ask him how he feels when he gets hurt and then ask how he thinks dd felt when she got hurt. And then I ask if we laugh when someone gets hurt. He is able to give the appropriate answers when I ask, but his immediate reaction is laughter - although it may actually be nervous laughter because he doesn't know what else to do.

I DO think empathy can be taught. Both my dh and I have a lot of empathy - my parents always thought I was TOO empathetic and would almost feel another's pain. They're kind of right! But, from a very early age I worked with both my kids about teaching them about feelings. And I mean before they were a year old. I had books with babies' faces on them and would point and say things like "That baby feels happy. Look, she's smiling. Her mouth is turned up." This was WAY before I suspected ds to be on the spectrum. I just have always felt that stuff was really important. I think you can do it at later ages as well - I think it is just more challenging. And you have to be very consistent and use every opportunity that you can as a learning experience. You may not be able to do it at the exact moment, but try to explain appropriate behaviors and reactions as soon as possible after the incident. It may take forever, but I think at least some of our kids will eventually get it, if not most of them. But, it's a LOT of hard work!  However, things that are worthwhile are usually not easy!

[QUOTE=Faithishope]my DS shows empathy, but most everything he does is scripted, therefore the empathy may very well be as well.  When he get in trouble or is told no, he immediately goes for his sister and hits her, then immediately hugs her and says sorry.  I often grab him before the hit and try to just get the hug, but in his scripting it cannot be done that way.  He has to hit first.[/QUOTE]

Same here. His dr when he was younger told be to be a DEFINATE drama queen because he couldn't "read" me well enough. So if something hurt that he did to blow it out of proportion until he actually "got it". He is doing better now, but when his meds are off or he's sick empathy is out the window.
The girls can easily read the emotions on faces of pictures and such.  They've never had any problems deducing if someone or some character is happy, sad, scared or whatever.  Despite this, they do not seem to consider the emotional state of others and do not adapt their behavior in consideration of other peoples wishes.  Their interest in emotions seems limited to their own feelings.my DS shows empathy, but most everything he does is scripted, therefore the empathy may very well be as well.  When he get in trouble or is told no, he immediately goes for his sister and hits her, then immediately hugs her and says sorry.  I often grab him before the hit and try to just get the hug, but in his scripting it cannot be done that way.  He has to hit first.Yikes, that would scare me too. My boys don't have enough speech, so I'm not sure if they would do that or not, so no real advice on developing empathy, but my sister use to do things like that.  My mother was at her ropes end, didn't know what to do with her.  She was not diagnosed with ASD (she was born in 1960), alhtough looking back at her behaviors and medical problems something was definitely wrong. She also is an epileptic too. She could punish and punish her and she'd just laugh. Was very mean, said very hateful things and didn't care.  But as she got older she did develop some empathy. THere are times she still says things without thinking, her husband will point out you hurt your mother's feelings. Her reaction is always I did??? Oh yeah maybe that was kind of a mean thing to say. Then she would apologize. (She's 46 now) It was probably when she started middle school (about 4th and 5th grade if I remember right) and started getting picked on that she developed empathy. Kind of sad thing to have to happen to understand empathy. It grew as she matured, although she still occassionally says things without realizing she is hurting someone's feelings. Its much better though.

He knows how to try to manipulate like a typical kid. That's promising!

I personally wouldn't allow him to tell me those things. "Those things are untrue and unkind! Do NOT say them anymore!" often might help.

 

I think someone needs to understand at least two things for empathy:
He needs to be able to read a persons emotion - seems like your ds kind
of did. Next time (okay-hope there is not a next time) you could connect
the facial expression with a feeling for him. "Crying means I feel very sad
and hurt". I like to take photos and when my ds was 4 I made a big poster
with close ups of different expressions and talked with my son about
what feelings they showed. I think it really helped (and that was before
his dx - i just knew something was not right).
The other thing is theory of mind. He needs to understand that whatever
he feels inside at any given time is not what someone else thinks or feels.
You can just practise that whenever - pointing out at dinner how
everyone likes different food, ask everyone what their favorite part of the
day was, just talk a lot about how people are different and like different
things, belief different things, feel different things. I went to the store the
other day and my ds wanted to buy some crappy little toy with his money
and I said 'But it is really ugly' He looked at me and said "What is ugly to
you might be beautiful to me. Everyone is different" I was sooo happy that
he knew that I started tearing up rigt there.
Also - my ds sometimes laughs when his sisters get hurt while rough-
housing. It drives me nuts. But I finally understood that sometimes
laughing for him is not about joy but to cover a strong scary feeling.
When his sister screams and he is afraid to get in trouble it is a little to
overwhelming emotionwise and he laughs.It may come eventually fred. My ds just the other week saw someone get hurt and ran over to them. He said, "Oh, I bet that hurt. I fell down just like that a few days ago and it REALLY hurt." I cannot tell you how happy I was to first, see him go over to the other boy and then empathize with the "I bet that hurt" comment and then to relate his own similar experience on top of that! HUGE! Next step - asking if the other child is okay and then offering help. Which is what I prompted him to do and he did it. I do a LOT of modeling and making sure that ds understands (or at least listens!) what I'm saying and doing. I'm sure you do as well - but it may come with your girls. They have made a lot of progress. It is frustrating being so consistent and explaining every little thing, but the pay-off can be huge!Anthony does show empathy.  It's actually something they mentioned on his "report card".  If someone falls down, Anthony will run over and pat their back and say "Are you ok?"  He will also hug his little brother if he's crying.  Although, he also will hit someone and then try to console them

Linda

Yes, yes, yes! J is 11 and YES...They mature and it develops- at least it did with J.

 

Linda, he is so young -- many NT kids do not have much empathy by 5.  The rote answers may seem mechanical, but the feelings may jsut come in later.

Zachary is actually drawn to Babies ,there was a Baby visiting Yesterday and he was totally awesome with her,Of course he was smelling up a storm , most Children don't like to be sniffed,He has Learned Babies don't mind.

foxl,I hope your right ,maybe it will develope over time, he is still young.

God bless,Linda

my son has empathy cause if he see's someone crying or sad he asks why you sad or crying and even says dont cry ,smile mommy!  sometimes he doesnt understand but he is doing ok with that. cant complain!

Now that she is older, her recognition for others emotions is much better.  She did not react to alot when she was younger, she ignored ALOT.  Now she is more aware of what others are feeling.

Last night we were watching a Winnie the Pooh movie.  Tigger (who is the favorite!) lost his stripes and was crying/singing about it.  Asher starting puckering and sobbing.  I didn't know what was wrong with him until Tigger got his stripes back and then Asher starting jumping (how appropriate!!) and laughing.  It was a great moment!When I am upset or angry my son says "squeeze?" and gives me a hug. He likes to be sueezed when he is upset so he figres it will work on me- and you know what a lot of times it does calm me down and I stop shouting. Gage has lots of empathy. I guess because he is high functioning, but I have heard that high functioning kids lack empathy too so I just don't know why he has it. But he does not like babies at ALL and will get upset with them if they come near him, so I guess it depends on the age. He also does that hitting and then saying "Im sorry! Im sorry" and trying to console them  Babies are more unpredictable and try to take things away. They don't follow the "rules" our kids have in place. In addition, babies cry and for kids with auditory issues (like BOTH  my children) - that is hard on their senses. Both of my kids aren't terribly fond of babies. Whenever they hear a baby cry, they always say, "Their mommy or daddy will take care of them." This comes from the several THOUSAND times I have said that to them as they get worried when babies start crying.

BB seems to have this, but sometimes it is hard to tell.

If Mommy or Daddy is upset and crying he will say, "Mommy, You ok?  Daddy, You ok?"  "What's Wrong Mommy/Daddy?"  And then he will give a hug.  If a stern voice is used and it apparent that someone is upset about something he will do the same.  Last week this happened and I had raised my voice a bit (not yelled, but louder than normal for which I am ashamed, but I was at my wits end).  I instructed him to do something in this voice and he snapped to!  I turned around as I thought I was going to cry and he came running up in front of me, wrapped himself around my legs and looked up saying, "Daddy, Daddy, You Ok?"  "Daddy, Pick me up."  He and then he hugged me tightly.  I really needed that and I apologized to him for raising my voice (That was a really crappy morning).  This seems to be a show of empathy and he will do this when he senses a mood change as well, but note:

He too will hit and then hug like many here have mentioned.  He did this to me last night and seems to NEED to do the hit first and then hug and has recently (every once and a while) added the line, "You're silly Daddy/Mommy" right after he does this and while he is hugging.  It is almost as if he is saying, "I know what I did was silly, but I cannot help it."  My usual response is, "What did you just do?  We don't hit.  Gentle hands," but at this time we are in the midst of a hug so it makes it difficult to be upset when he is hugging me.

His reasoning is coming along pretty well (knock on wood) and I think with that processing comes an understanding of emotions.  I know that sounds antithetical...the pairing of logic with emotions as they seem diametrically opposed, but at the same time if you think about it pragmatically right now he is wholly concrete (see Piaget).  If he can understand how to recognize then he can adjust how he responds.  I don't want things to be totally scripted, but this is much of how ANY child (not just ASD kids) learn at this age.  We are even using some "emotion flash cards."  "Is she happy or angry?  Is he Sad or Happy?"  These have had an effect.  Again, I don't want the scripting, but I am hoping he will get to learn to recognize and label emotions and then internalize an appropriate response based on a more natural sense of...empathy.

Camusa, at 3, it sounds like BB is doing GREAT for empathy!!! Adn yes, I think keeping things less scripted makes the empathy more real.
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